In A Daze, With Far Away Eyes, chapter 3
"BILLIE!"
I sat up quickly and looked up at Tre.
"Dude, were you asleep?" he asked.
"Must have been." I rubbed my unshaven face. I hadn't shaved in a few days. Didn't see the need too.
"Well, at least you're getting some sleep, since you don't do it at night," Mike said, sitting down at the chair next to me. We were in the studio working on our newest album American Idiot.
"I just can't stop thinking about her," I said.
"You mean Adie?" Tre asked. "Why her? You two haven't really spoken to each other in years."
"Yesterday would have been our 12 year anniversary. 12 years, man."
Mike and Tre looked at each other. Just then the door to the studio opened and there was my son Joey. "Hi dad."
"Joey? What are you doing here?" I asked as he gave me a hug.
"I just got back from the park."
"Ok cool. How's Jakob?"
"He's got the flu. He's getting better though."
"And how's Adrienne?"
He didn't answer right away. He looked up at Mike and Tre.
"What?" I asked.
"Well, she's kind of-" he paused. "Engaged."
I couldn't speak.
"To this complete dick, dad, I swear if she seriously marries him I'm moving in with you."
"Engaged?" I said dazily.
"Yeah, since last Saturday." He looked down at his shoes.
I don't know why I was so concerned. We divorced years ago. We've moved on. Well, she's moved on...
He checked his watch. "I promised Mom I'd be home at 5. I have to help with dinner for Dan." He said smugly. He hugged me again. "Don't worry about mom, dad. I'll take care of her." He smiled.
I smiled back. "I know, son. Tell Jakob I said I love him."
He nodded and left the studio.
"So, what are you gonna do, Bill?" Mike asked. He knew I wanted to get back with Adrienne.
I sighed. "Nothing."
"What?" Tre said. "This is your last chance, man."
"I know. If she's happy, then I'm happy." Which was complete crap. She could be as happy as she could possibly be, but I wouldn't be. I'm not the one making her happy.
That night I sat in my apartment, playing my guitar when the phone rang.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Dad, it's me."
"Joey? You ok" he sounded scared.
"He's been hitting her!"
"What?"
"Dan's been hitting mom! She's bruised up. I swear to god, dad if he ever lays a hand on her again-"
"Calm down, son. Where is he now?"
"He's working at the hospital tonight and tomorrow."
"You wanna come over here tonight? You and Jakob?"
There was a pause. Then he said, "Ok."
"Ok. I'll be over there in a few." I hung up and ran a hand through my hair.
I reached the house a few minutes later. Adie was home. I went up to the door and knocked. Jakob opened the door. "Dad!" he hugged me. "I'll go get Joey." He ran up stairs and Adie came into the foyer. She stopped and turned around quick. I walked in to where she was.
"Adie, Joey called me earlier and said-" she turned around and I saw what Joey was talking about. She had a bruise on her cheek and a few on her arms. I ran my thumb across her cheek but she pushed my hand away.
"He hits you." I said.
"Don't be ridiculous. I was in a minor car accident. I'm fine."
"Adie, Joey called me practically crying! He hits you, doesn't he!?"
"Billie what does it even matter to you!?" she yelled.
"I still love you, Adie. The only reason I haven't tried to get you back is because I want you to be happy."
She started to say something but the boys came back downstairs. Joey's eyes were red and watery.
"Joey, baby, are you ok?" Adie asked.
"Fine," he said shortly.
We went out to the car and got in. The drive home was quiet because Jakob fell asleep. I glanced over at Joey. He was staring out the window. It was scary how much he looked like me.
"She looked terrible." I said. He nodded.
"How do you know he hits her?"
"I've seen him do it. He hits Jakob too."
My body heat rose a couple of degrees. Nobody hits my kids.
"Jakob told me last night. He was so scared he slept with me."
We pulled up at my apartment. I told Joey to leave their stuff and we'd come back and get it. I carried Jakob to my bed and me and Joey kept talking.
"He's never hit you, has he?" I asked, sitting him down on the couch.
"Just the one time. Mom forgot to call him about something and they got in a fight. He was about to hit her and I punched him in the back. He backhanded me and walked out. As long as he didn't hit mom, I didn't care." Tears were coming up in his eyes. He was so much older than his years. I hugged him. "It's ok."
He pulled back. "No it's not! She's gonna marry that asshole and he's gonna do it all the time! I can't stand him, dad!"
"I know, son," I said, completely ignoring the fact that my 12 year old son just said asshole. "There's nothing I can do."
"Yes there is! Talk to her!"
"She won't listen to me, Joey, I tried tonight and she just shoved me off."
"Then try harder! She's not happy. She hasn't been happy since you left."
This was defiantly news to me. I had had the impression since the night I drove out of my driveway that she hated me with every fiber of her being, but I guess I was wrong.
The phone rang. I got up and went to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Billie! Tell Joey and Jakob that I'm coming to get them and we're going to Lisa's."
"What? Adie, what's wrong, you sound upset."
Joey gave me a worried look, but I gestured for him to stay were he was.
"Dan got off tonight and he was drunk. He's going crazy about something so I left."
"Adie, you're staying here tonight."
"No, we're going to Lisa's."
"Lisa's not even home, remember? You don't need to be alone."
"She left me her key and we'll be fine."
"I don't want that bastard hitting you or my kids, Adrienne! You guys are gonna stay here. Just for tonight."
There was a pause. Then a sigh. "Fine. But this is for the kids."
"Ok. See you in a few."
She hung up, as did I.
"Dad, he didn't hurt her, did he?"
"She didn't say. She's coming here and you guys are gonna stay with me. He's drunk."
"Tell me something new." He rolled his eyes. I sat next to him on the couch and draped an arm around his shoulders. "She'll be ok. All of you guys will be ok. Maybe now she'll wise up." Joey and I sat there for a minute when I finally realized he had fallen asleep. I got up carefully and laid him down on the couch, not stirring him. I went downstairs and got their stuff. Adrienne pulled up just as I was about to go in. She had a new bruise forming her arm and a small gash on her chin. I couldn't look away.
"So are we going in or are you just gonna stare at me?" she snapped. I nodded and we went up to my apartment. The boys were still asleep. She picked Joey up and took him to my room and lay him on the bed next to Jakob.
"You three can get my bed. I'll sleep on the couch." I said, taking their stuff into my room.
"Fine." She crossed her arms across her chest. I looked at her for a second then asked, "Why have you let it get this bad?"
"He hasn't been like this."
I ushered her into the living room and closed the bedroom door. She sat on the couch, still crossing her arms.
"I don't like this one bit, Adie. Our kids are scared of him. He hits you. He hits them. You guys don't deserve this."
"Billie, should you really be talking!?" she asked angrily, finally uncrossing her arms.
"I know. I, unlike Dan, feel guilty. I wish everyday of my life that I could go back to that moment and just tell her to fuck off, but I can't. All I can do is say it meant nothing! And it did, it meant absolutely nothing. And I would do absolutely anything to prove to you that it was nothing. I still love you, Adrienne. It kills me every time I see you to know that I'm not living my life with you."
Adrienne's eyes went soft. She looked down and sighed.
"I'm engaged. I love Dan."
"How the fuck could you love someone who beats you?"
"But how the fuck could I love someone who cheats on me?" Her eyes were beginning to water.
"I have to live with that every fucking day, Adrienne! That guy doesn't even care that he's bruising you!"
She got up and headed for the bathroom. I grabbed her arm and turned her back around to face me.
"Adrienne, please! You can't marry him." My eyes were beginning to water now, too.
She looked at me for a second then shook her head and pushed me away and ran into the bathroom. I leaned against the door, my forehead resting on it.
"Adrienne." I called her name. She didn't answer.
"Adie. I think about you every second I breathe. It's killing me to see you this way. You may not deserve me, but you defiantly don't deserve to be abused. You deserve happiness."
I heard the lock click and I backed away a bit. She came out, tears still streaming from her eyes. I reached out to hug her and she fell into my arms. I missed this so much. I ached for her for so long. I lead her over to the couch and continued to comfort her. She cried for almost half an hour. After a while she calmed down.
"Thank you for letting us stay here. Well, telling us we were staying here."
I smiled. "Anytime." I looked into her shining eyes. I placed my hand on the back of her neck and slowly pulled her in for a kiss. She didn't pull away. She fell into the kiss almost immediately. She leaned back on the couch and I followed, never breaking the kiss. Her hand traveled through my hair and my hands traveled other places. She still had that way of sending chills up my spine with one touch. It started getting more heated and she had slid my over shirt off. I sat her back up and started tugging at the buttons on her jacket. We finally got it of and she took my shirt off. I began kissing her neck.
"This is crazy. I'm engaged."
I stopped and sat back.
"Adie, you know you miss this. You miss being held and loved, I know it!"
"I don't know anymore, Billie! I'm so confused!"
The bedroom door opened and Joey stood in the door. He had a shocked look on his face, but then he sorta laughed.
"Sorry if I interrupted anything." He turned back around and went into the bedroom again.
Adie smiled and looked back at me. "After all of this, he still seemed to have gotten your gutter brain." I smiled. It was silent for a moment.
Then she said, "I have missed you, Billie. And what just happened there is something I have been longing for so long. But Dan has so much going for him-"
"I'm a fucking rock star, Adrienne. What I had coming for me has already come and is still hanging around. That's not even the reason you're with him is it?"
Her eyes began to water again. "I've been alone for 7 years, Billie. And with the boys growing up they need someone around."
"Not someone who treats them and you like shit!" Was she just desperate?
"He wasn't like that!"
"Well he is now. That's what you are gonna have for the rest of your life. I know what it's like to live with abuse, Adrienne, and you don't deserve it!"
"What do you know about it?!" she began to shout.
"My stepfather once beat me with a broom handle because I was helping Alan with his share of the chores! One time he threw me out of the car on the way to school because I smarted off to him! Everytime he would get upset with my mom and I tried to stop him he knocked me against the wall and held me up by my throat while he gave me a screaming lecture on how he could make my life a living hell! You want more?!" I had stood up somewhere in the process of telling the ghosts of my past and Adrienne had begun crying again. I calmed down a little bit.
"This guy sounds just like him. And I swear to God, Adrienne, if that man ever lays another hand on Joey or Jakob or you again and I hear about it, I'm gonna strangle him with my bare hands. So just think about that and I'm going to bed in the spare bedroom."
I grabbed my shirt and over shirt and headed to the spare room. I stopped. "Love you."
She looked up at me. I could tell she wanted to say something but she was choked up too much. I didn't expect her to answer me back, so I turned and went into the bedroom.
I sat up quickly and looked up at Tre.
"Dude, were you asleep?" he asked.
"Must have been." I rubbed my unshaven face. I hadn't shaved in a few days. Didn't see the need too.
"Well, at least you're getting some sleep, since you don't do it at night," Mike said, sitting down at the chair next to me. We were in the studio working on our newest album American Idiot.
"I just can't stop thinking about her," I said.
"You mean Adie?" Tre asked. "Why her? You two haven't really spoken to each other in years."
"Yesterday would have been our 12 year anniversary. 12 years, man."
Mike and Tre looked at each other. Just then the door to the studio opened and there was my son Joey. "Hi dad."
"Joey? What are you doing here?" I asked as he gave me a hug.
"I just got back from the park."
"Ok cool. How's Jakob?"
"He's got the flu. He's getting better though."
"And how's Adrienne?"
He didn't answer right away. He looked up at Mike and Tre.
"What?" I asked.
"Well, she's kind of-" he paused. "Engaged."
I couldn't speak.
"To this complete dick, dad, I swear if she seriously marries him I'm moving in with you."
"Engaged?" I said dazily.
"Yeah, since last Saturday." He looked down at his shoes.
I don't know why I was so concerned. We divorced years ago. We've moved on. Well, she's moved on...
He checked his watch. "I promised Mom I'd be home at 5. I have to help with dinner for Dan." He said smugly. He hugged me again. "Don't worry about mom, dad. I'll take care of her." He smiled.
I smiled back. "I know, son. Tell Jakob I said I love him."
He nodded and left the studio.
"So, what are you gonna do, Bill?" Mike asked. He knew I wanted to get back with Adrienne.
I sighed. "Nothing."
"What?" Tre said. "This is your last chance, man."
"I know. If she's happy, then I'm happy." Which was complete crap. She could be as happy as she could possibly be, but I wouldn't be. I'm not the one making her happy.
That night I sat in my apartment, playing my guitar when the phone rang.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Dad, it's me."
"Joey? You ok" he sounded scared.
"He's been hitting her!"
"What?"
"Dan's been hitting mom! She's bruised up. I swear to god, dad if he ever lays a hand on her again-"
"Calm down, son. Where is he now?"
"He's working at the hospital tonight and tomorrow."
"You wanna come over here tonight? You and Jakob?"
There was a pause. Then he said, "Ok."
"Ok. I'll be over there in a few." I hung up and ran a hand through my hair.
I reached the house a few minutes later. Adie was home. I went up to the door and knocked. Jakob opened the door. "Dad!" he hugged me. "I'll go get Joey." He ran up stairs and Adie came into the foyer. She stopped and turned around quick. I walked in to where she was.
"Adie, Joey called me earlier and said-" she turned around and I saw what Joey was talking about. She had a bruise on her cheek and a few on her arms. I ran my thumb across her cheek but she pushed my hand away.
"He hits you." I said.
"Don't be ridiculous. I was in a minor car accident. I'm fine."
"Adie, Joey called me practically crying! He hits you, doesn't he!?"
"Billie what does it even matter to you!?" she yelled.
"I still love you, Adie. The only reason I haven't tried to get you back is because I want you to be happy."
She started to say something but the boys came back downstairs. Joey's eyes were red and watery.
"Joey, baby, are you ok?" Adie asked.
"Fine," he said shortly.
We went out to the car and got in. The drive home was quiet because Jakob fell asleep. I glanced over at Joey. He was staring out the window. It was scary how much he looked like me.
"She looked terrible." I said. He nodded.
"How do you know he hits her?"
"I've seen him do it. He hits Jakob too."
My body heat rose a couple of degrees. Nobody hits my kids.
"Jakob told me last night. He was so scared he slept with me."
We pulled up at my apartment. I told Joey to leave their stuff and we'd come back and get it. I carried Jakob to my bed and me and Joey kept talking.
"He's never hit you, has he?" I asked, sitting him down on the couch.
"Just the one time. Mom forgot to call him about something and they got in a fight. He was about to hit her and I punched him in the back. He backhanded me and walked out. As long as he didn't hit mom, I didn't care." Tears were coming up in his eyes. He was so much older than his years. I hugged him. "It's ok."
He pulled back. "No it's not! She's gonna marry that asshole and he's gonna do it all the time! I can't stand him, dad!"
"I know, son," I said, completely ignoring the fact that my 12 year old son just said asshole. "There's nothing I can do."
"Yes there is! Talk to her!"
"She won't listen to me, Joey, I tried tonight and she just shoved me off."
"Then try harder! She's not happy. She hasn't been happy since you left."
This was defiantly news to me. I had had the impression since the night I drove out of my driveway that she hated me with every fiber of her being, but I guess I was wrong.
The phone rang. I got up and went to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Billie! Tell Joey and Jakob that I'm coming to get them and we're going to Lisa's."
"What? Adie, what's wrong, you sound upset."
Joey gave me a worried look, but I gestured for him to stay were he was.
"Dan got off tonight and he was drunk. He's going crazy about something so I left."
"Adie, you're staying here tonight."
"No, we're going to Lisa's."
"Lisa's not even home, remember? You don't need to be alone."
"She left me her key and we'll be fine."
"I don't want that bastard hitting you or my kids, Adrienne! You guys are gonna stay here. Just for tonight."
There was a pause. Then a sigh. "Fine. But this is for the kids."
"Ok. See you in a few."
She hung up, as did I.
"Dad, he didn't hurt her, did he?"
"She didn't say. She's coming here and you guys are gonna stay with me. He's drunk."
"Tell me something new." He rolled his eyes. I sat next to him on the couch and draped an arm around his shoulders. "She'll be ok. All of you guys will be ok. Maybe now she'll wise up." Joey and I sat there for a minute when I finally realized he had fallen asleep. I got up carefully and laid him down on the couch, not stirring him. I went downstairs and got their stuff. Adrienne pulled up just as I was about to go in. She had a new bruise forming her arm and a small gash on her chin. I couldn't look away.
"So are we going in or are you just gonna stare at me?" she snapped. I nodded and we went up to my apartment. The boys were still asleep. She picked Joey up and took him to my room and lay him on the bed next to Jakob.
"You three can get my bed. I'll sleep on the couch." I said, taking their stuff into my room.
"Fine." She crossed her arms across her chest. I looked at her for a second then asked, "Why have you let it get this bad?"
"He hasn't been like this."
I ushered her into the living room and closed the bedroom door. She sat on the couch, still crossing her arms.
"I don't like this one bit, Adie. Our kids are scared of him. He hits you. He hits them. You guys don't deserve this."
"Billie, should you really be talking!?" she asked angrily, finally uncrossing her arms.
"I know. I, unlike Dan, feel guilty. I wish everyday of my life that I could go back to that moment and just tell her to fuck off, but I can't. All I can do is say it meant nothing! And it did, it meant absolutely nothing. And I would do absolutely anything to prove to you that it was nothing. I still love you, Adrienne. It kills me every time I see you to know that I'm not living my life with you."
Adrienne's eyes went soft. She looked down and sighed.
"I'm engaged. I love Dan."
"How the fuck could you love someone who beats you?"
"But how the fuck could I love someone who cheats on me?" Her eyes were beginning to water.
"I have to live with that every fucking day, Adrienne! That guy doesn't even care that he's bruising you!"
She got up and headed for the bathroom. I grabbed her arm and turned her back around to face me.
"Adrienne, please! You can't marry him." My eyes were beginning to water now, too.
She looked at me for a second then shook her head and pushed me away and ran into the bathroom. I leaned against the door, my forehead resting on it.
"Adrienne." I called her name. She didn't answer.
"Adie. I think about you every second I breathe. It's killing me to see you this way. You may not deserve me, but you defiantly don't deserve to be abused. You deserve happiness."
I heard the lock click and I backed away a bit. She came out, tears still streaming from her eyes. I reached out to hug her and she fell into my arms. I missed this so much. I ached for her for so long. I lead her over to the couch and continued to comfort her. She cried for almost half an hour. After a while she calmed down.
"Thank you for letting us stay here. Well, telling us we were staying here."
I smiled. "Anytime." I looked into her shining eyes. I placed my hand on the back of her neck and slowly pulled her in for a kiss. She didn't pull away. She fell into the kiss almost immediately. She leaned back on the couch and I followed, never breaking the kiss. Her hand traveled through my hair and my hands traveled other places. She still had that way of sending chills up my spine with one touch. It started getting more heated and she had slid my over shirt off. I sat her back up and started tugging at the buttons on her jacket. We finally got it of and she took my shirt off. I began kissing her neck.
"This is crazy. I'm engaged."
I stopped and sat back.
"Adie, you know you miss this. You miss being held and loved, I know it!"
"I don't know anymore, Billie! I'm so confused!"
The bedroom door opened and Joey stood in the door. He had a shocked look on his face, but then he sorta laughed.
"Sorry if I interrupted anything." He turned back around and went into the bedroom again.
Adie smiled and looked back at me. "After all of this, he still seemed to have gotten your gutter brain." I smiled. It was silent for a moment.
Then she said, "I have missed you, Billie. And what just happened there is something I have been longing for so long. But Dan has so much going for him-"
"I'm a fucking rock star, Adrienne. What I had coming for me has already come and is still hanging around. That's not even the reason you're with him is it?"
Her eyes began to water again. "I've been alone for 7 years, Billie. And with the boys growing up they need someone around."
"Not someone who treats them and you like shit!" Was she just desperate?
"He wasn't like that!"
"Well he is now. That's what you are gonna have for the rest of your life. I know what it's like to live with abuse, Adrienne, and you don't deserve it!"
"What do you know about it?!" she began to shout.
"My stepfather once beat me with a broom handle because I was helping Alan with his share of the chores! One time he threw me out of the car on the way to school because I smarted off to him! Everytime he would get upset with my mom and I tried to stop him he knocked me against the wall and held me up by my throat while he gave me a screaming lecture on how he could make my life a living hell! You want more?!" I had stood up somewhere in the process of telling the ghosts of my past and Adrienne had begun crying again. I calmed down a little bit.
"This guy sounds just like him. And I swear to God, Adrienne, if that man ever lays another hand on Joey or Jakob or you again and I hear about it, I'm gonna strangle him with my bare hands. So just think about that and I'm going to bed in the spare bedroom."
I grabbed my shirt and over shirt and headed to the spare room. I stopped. "Love you."
She looked up at me. I could tell she wanted to say something but she was choked up too much. I didn't expect her to answer me back, so I turned and went into the bedroom.
