Lost and Found: love from the other side, chapter 2
"Billie told me on that night not so long ago that, his heart broke because her's did. We were on tour when we got the call. Adie had gone into labour and we had to get a move on if we were going to get there. It was a three hour drive. Not for one moment did Billie calm down. He was just a bundle of anticipation and total excitement. Even though he was focused on driving us there, Tre seemed to share the excitement also. But even then, there in that car, I didn't feel the nerves or the excitement of the others. I just felt... " Mike paused.
"You just felt?" the psychiatrist mimicked.
"I felt nothing. None of it. Just a thin film of worry... unease. Through which I felt cut off and were now seeing the other two through. As we finally arrived at the hospital this atmosphere increased. Unfortunately so did my senses. It was almost a fear by now. But I shook it off and rushed after Billie and Tre and into the hospital. I would never call myself psychic or anything like it. You could say I have an incredible gut instinct though. Like a moral compass. I live by my senses. Which in this case were telling me that something about this whole situation was terribly wrong."
"And were you right?" the psychiatrist asked foreseeing the next stage in events.
"I wish I hadn't have been. But yes I was," Mike answered now looking down at his hands.
"What happened Mike?" the psychiatrist asked him straight out this time.
Mike took a moment. "She had died before we even got there. Apparently she had gone not long after she had given birth. Maybe ten minutes or so. So she was gone by the time we got there an hour later. We got the reception desk and told them who we were. At that moment I knew I was right. The look in the nurses eyes said everything and nothing all at the same time. Before anymore was said we were taken into a separate room. Billie's excitement was now sheer panic. Then she told him. 'She fell asleep' that's how they put it. When in reality her heart had just stopped. Obviously they had tried to bring her back, but as they say it was just too late. Billie just fell to the floor when he heard the words, like he had been hit by a bolt of lightening. He was there on his knees. He screamed and he cried and he thrashed. Tre had to pick him up, pulling him into a hug. Which just made him cry even more. If that's was possible."
"I remember just looking at the floor. My eyes just couldn't meet anyone else's I was afraid what they might give away. 'What about the baby?' I asked the nurse suddenly. I seemed the only one in a fit state to ask. She told me that he was doing ok. I turned around to offer this information as some consolation to Billie. But he was still in no state to receive it. His tears now soaking Tre's shirt. He sat Billie down in a nearby chair. Billie wiped his eyes and tried to form a sentence but it just wasn't coming to him. I mean someone tells you your wife has died after giving birth to your child, how do you handle that?"
The psychiatrist took his glasses off and looked at Mike and then asked "How did Billie handle it?"
"Not how I expected him to handle it. If I'm honest." Mike replied.
"Well you do know that people don't often meet others expectations," the psychiatrist stated rather matter of factly. Looking back down at his clipboard.
"We were all devastated about Adie but Billie was something else. After the funeral he even became someone else. But we'll get to that. Of course he locked himself away and just cried himself to sleep every night. As you would kind of expect someone grieving would do. But somehow it changed into something else. It took over him, like a disease. By the time thing turned out the way they did and he was locked away, he couldn't sleep anymore. He was on the sleeping pills and plenty of drink to wash it down. He just drank to black out. I suppose if he wasn't conscious he couldn't think, he couldn't feel."
"And why would that be important above all else to him at that time?" the psychiatrist challenged.
Mike thought seriously about his answer. "Because thinking and feeling is what Billie is all about. Unlike myself who lives by his intuition or the likes if Tre who just lives for anything in the name of having a good time, Billie lives for his thoughts and his feelings. He constantly over analyses everything and is slave to his emotions. He lives by them and for them and those who satisfy them. Or so I believe anyway. That's how it appears."
"Meaning?" the psychiatrist pressed trying to find the point that Mike was making.
"Meaning that this retreat into himself was just not what you would expect. that's it meant that Billie was rapidly no longer being Billie. He rejected his sons and even tried to push me away. That hurt you know. The more I tried to reach him the more he pushed away. But like I said I'm a practical man and the kids had to be looked after and quite obviously Billie was now in no state. So like always good old reliable Mike had to take over."
"You sound somewhat bitter about that," the psychiatrist cut in.
"Maybe I was," Mike answered slightly off hand. "I resented the fact, maybe still do, that Billie thought he was the only one suffering. She was MY friend, she was Tre's friend, but most of all she was Joey's and Jacob's MOTHER!!! And if he couldn't put it together for his friend or himself surely he could pull it together for his kids, his sons. But no it seemingly made no difference to him. Billie was the only one that was hurting, Billie was the only one that mattered," Mike answered bitterly.
Carrying on before the psychiatrist could interrupt his thoughts. "But by far the worst thing that happened was the grief that now appeared doubled. I now felt like I'd lost a friend and now I'd lost Billie as well."
"Please tell me Mike, and what is Billie to you?" the psychiatrist persisted now getting to the heart of the problem. Mike lapsed into silent thinking once more then answering.
"Billie to me is...
"You just felt?" the psychiatrist mimicked.
"I felt nothing. None of it. Just a thin film of worry... unease. Through which I felt cut off and were now seeing the other two through. As we finally arrived at the hospital this atmosphere increased. Unfortunately so did my senses. It was almost a fear by now. But I shook it off and rushed after Billie and Tre and into the hospital. I would never call myself psychic or anything like it. You could say I have an incredible gut instinct though. Like a moral compass. I live by my senses. Which in this case were telling me that something about this whole situation was terribly wrong."
"And were you right?" the psychiatrist asked foreseeing the next stage in events.
"I wish I hadn't have been. But yes I was," Mike answered now looking down at his hands.
"What happened Mike?" the psychiatrist asked him straight out this time.
Mike took a moment. "She had died before we even got there. Apparently she had gone not long after she had given birth. Maybe ten minutes or so. So she was gone by the time we got there an hour later. We got the reception desk and told them who we were. At that moment I knew I was right. The look in the nurses eyes said everything and nothing all at the same time. Before anymore was said we were taken into a separate room. Billie's excitement was now sheer panic. Then she told him. 'She fell asleep' that's how they put it. When in reality her heart had just stopped. Obviously they had tried to bring her back, but as they say it was just too late. Billie just fell to the floor when he heard the words, like he had been hit by a bolt of lightening. He was there on his knees. He screamed and he cried and he thrashed. Tre had to pick him up, pulling him into a hug. Which just made him cry even more. If that's was possible."
"I remember just looking at the floor. My eyes just couldn't meet anyone else's I was afraid what they might give away. 'What about the baby?' I asked the nurse suddenly. I seemed the only one in a fit state to ask. She told me that he was doing ok. I turned around to offer this information as some consolation to Billie. But he was still in no state to receive it. His tears now soaking Tre's shirt. He sat Billie down in a nearby chair. Billie wiped his eyes and tried to form a sentence but it just wasn't coming to him. I mean someone tells you your wife has died after giving birth to your child, how do you handle that?"
The psychiatrist took his glasses off and looked at Mike and then asked "How did Billie handle it?"
"Not how I expected him to handle it. If I'm honest." Mike replied.
"Well you do know that people don't often meet others expectations," the psychiatrist stated rather matter of factly. Looking back down at his clipboard.
"We were all devastated about Adie but Billie was something else. After the funeral he even became someone else. But we'll get to that. Of course he locked himself away and just cried himself to sleep every night. As you would kind of expect someone grieving would do. But somehow it changed into something else. It took over him, like a disease. By the time thing turned out the way they did and he was locked away, he couldn't sleep anymore. He was on the sleeping pills and plenty of drink to wash it down. He just drank to black out. I suppose if he wasn't conscious he couldn't think, he couldn't feel."
"And why would that be important above all else to him at that time?" the psychiatrist challenged.
Mike thought seriously about his answer. "Because thinking and feeling is what Billie is all about. Unlike myself who lives by his intuition or the likes if Tre who just lives for anything in the name of having a good time, Billie lives for his thoughts and his feelings. He constantly over analyses everything and is slave to his emotions. He lives by them and for them and those who satisfy them. Or so I believe anyway. That's how it appears."
"Meaning?" the psychiatrist pressed trying to find the point that Mike was making.
"Meaning that this retreat into himself was just not what you would expect. that's it meant that Billie was rapidly no longer being Billie. He rejected his sons and even tried to push me away. That hurt you know. The more I tried to reach him the more he pushed away. But like I said I'm a practical man and the kids had to be looked after and quite obviously Billie was now in no state. So like always good old reliable Mike had to take over."
"You sound somewhat bitter about that," the psychiatrist cut in.
"Maybe I was," Mike answered slightly off hand. "I resented the fact, maybe still do, that Billie thought he was the only one suffering. She was MY friend, she was Tre's friend, but most of all she was Joey's and Jacob's MOTHER!!! And if he couldn't put it together for his friend or himself surely he could pull it together for his kids, his sons. But no it seemingly made no difference to him. Billie was the only one that was hurting, Billie was the only one that mattered," Mike answered bitterly.
Carrying on before the psychiatrist could interrupt his thoughts. "But by far the worst thing that happened was the grief that now appeared doubled. I now felt like I'd lost a friend and now I'd lost Billie as well."
"Please tell me Mike, and what is Billie to you?" the psychiatrist persisted now getting to the heart of the problem. Mike lapsed into silent thinking once more then answering.
"Billie to me is...
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