Wish You Were Here, chapter 2

The flight was long and arduous and I couldn't settle. At least the woman and her kid alongside me had left me alone, I really didn't want to speak to anybody right now. I rummaged through my bag to look for something to keep me occupied to pass the time away from the long flight. I listened to my iPod for a while had a short nap then read some of my book but I couldn't be bothered with anything at all really. Then for some reason I got out my diary and just flicked through it. Today's date read 11th July 2004. I flicked forward to September, 23rd 2004. On it I had written WEDDING DAY in thick black felt pen with a love heart next to it and a wedding bell.

I hastily fumbled for a biro in the zip pocket of my bag and quite angrily crossed through the wording, then suddenly felt guilty thinking of Clive and the wonderful wedding we had organized together and the surprise honeymoon that he had planned. The 23rd September 2004 was the day that I would have been walking up the aisle with my father giving me away and Tre, his beautiful children and Adi's two boys walking behind me.

The feeling of apprehension passed over me about how I was going to explain to Tre what had happened. I knew I'd get the blame; he always blamed me even though he didn't like the guys that I went out with and hardly ever listened to the full story. Only this time it wasn't my fault at all. It was all Clive's doing but I could kind of understand why he had made the decision even though it hurt like hell. Hurt because I felt it was my last chance at my age to finally settle down. Yes I could understand his decision but him making that decision and the reasons for it meant entirely that he could never have really loved me at all. Anyway this all had to be put into the past. Here I was, going home, home to my parents and friends.

The difference between Tre and myself was that I'd loved each and every one of his wives and girlfriends and I never could understand why he'd split up with them but I didn't go on about it and say that it was his fault. I didn't judge him at all and just comforted him by saying that these things happened. I'd been his shoulder to cry on and I never really asked him what had happened, didn't pry or push at him to tell me, I just let him heal and move on.

He could never be like that though, he went on about it for months saying that I'd never find anyone I'd be too old to have children and all that. God did he go on sometimes. Thinking about his ex wives I realised that I hadn't seen Claudia for ages either and that she had become quite a good friend over the years and Lisea, well we exchanged Christmas cards and birthday cards but that was about it and occasionally I had seen her when there had been a family event and Ramona and her were there. Tre had always included me but I suppose I was like family and he always came to my family events anyway as my parents adored him. The sun shone out of his backside as far as they were concerned.

I closed my eyes but my eyes ached and sleep wouldn't come, the seat was uncomfortable and I shifted uneasily. Reaching down for my book I decided to give it another read but the pages blurred in front of me. The woman in the book was taking her daughter to the circus. I smiled remembering Tre again...

Mendocino Hills, 1982 - 2 weeks later

"What you got to eat?" Said Tre as I approached him.

"Is that all you ever think of?" I said laughing and clambering down the side of the hill to what had become known as 'our spot'.

"Yeah, most of the time," said Tre. He had that knife again and it always made me feel uneasy. He was carving something into the huge tree that overhung the lake.

"I've got some chicken, bread and cheese," I said slipping down the bank and pulling my rucksack round. "Oh and some fruit cake that Mum made, you'll love it."

"I'm sure I will," said Tre, standing back to admire his handiwork. "Hey what do you think?" He said not looking at me but at some carving that he had done on the tree.

I went over to see what he had been doing all morning and there carved out into the dark brown trunk of the tree was the word TRE in jagged squared off lettering and today's date, 05-05-82.

"That's destructive," I said suddenly. "I hate when people do that."

"Oh stop being so stuck up, loads of people do it around here. I've wanted to do it for ages and it's taken me so long, look my fingers are all red and sore." He said holding them out to show me.

"That's your own fault," I said, not sympathetic at all but they did look a little red and blistered.

"I'll carve your name there too if you like?" He said coming towards me and spitting on his hands to cool them down.

"No, its fine," I said but kind of changing my mind and thinking yeah I would like my name carved into a tree.

"Go on... I know you want to," said Tre getting up close to my face just to annoy me into submission.

He knew me well already. I rolled my eyes as I got out a picnic blanket, it had a tartan pattern and Tre always took the piss out of it.

He spent another half hour carving away while I laid out some food and played with Jip.

"There, its done," he said. "Do you want to finish off the very last bit; I've left a little for you. My fingers are so sore I can't do any more."

"OK." I shrugged walking over towards the tree and there, written on it was the word JULES with the last bottom part of the S unfinished.

"Oh, no-one has ever called me Jules before," I said turning to him.

"Well... it kinda went wrong so I changed it to Jules. I like it. Jules. It suits you," he said handing me the knife. The handle felt red hot from his handling it.

"I like it too," I said taking the knife from him and finishing off the letter S. I was just finishing the carving when the knife slipped and caught the soft fleshy skin between my thumb and forefinger of my left hand. It stung and started bleeding immediately.

"Ouch," I said tears brimming my eyes but not wishing to cry in front of Tre. He'd probably laugh at me.

"What have you done?" said Tre. He was over by the picnic blanket slugging some water from a bottle. He face was red and shiny from his tree carving.

"Cut myself," I said holding the cut and not wanting to look at it and pretending that it wasn't much at all.

"Let me see," he said coming over. "That knife is sharp, you have to be careful with it you know." He took my hand into his and took a look. I still couldn't look at the cut so just glanced away.

"Hey that's nothing much," he said then he took my hand and sucked the wound clean for me without even thinking. I kind of thought it was gross but felt contented inside that he felt he could do that to me without it grossing him out.

"It should be okay now," he said going over to the picnic basket and helping himself to a chicken leg.

"Thanks," I said. I didn't even feel embarrassed at all but just went and joined him over on the picnic blanket. He handed me another chicken leg and we lay back on the log looking up at the trees swaying in the gentle breeze with the sun filtering through them.

"Hey what do you want to do when you're older?" Said Tre all of a sudden.

"I haven't really thought about it, either work with children or perhaps a hair stylist?" I said. "You can be my first client, this needs chopping off," I said grabbing a piece of his hair that was hanging over his eyes.

"No way are you coming near me with scissors, I've just seen you with that knife," laughed Tre tearing a piece of chicken from the bone. "I think you'd be better working with children, I've seen you with those Hamilton twins. You're great with them."

"What about you, what do you want to do?" I said sitting up and taking some cheese out of the picnic basket.

"I think I want to join the circus or may be play drums. I'm hoping to get a drum kit for my birthday; mum kind of says it'll have to be for my birthday and Christmas as they're quite close together," he said reaching for some bread and putting far too much butter on it.

"Are they?" I said to him. "How close?"

"9th December," he said getting butter all around his mouth and wiping it with the back of his hand.

"No way," I said. "That's the same day as mine, the 9th December 1972 I was born."

"Me too. I've never met anyone with the same birthday as me, ever" said Tre. "What time were you born?"

"I'm not sure. I'll find out this evening and tell you tomorrow." I said to him. We shared a birthday. We were born on the very same day on opposite sides of the world. I had never met anyone that shared my birthday either.

"I was born at 2pm in the afternoon. You'd better not be older than me," said Tre cramming his mouth full of cheese...


...I'd hired a small car and turned up at Tre's with my bags in the back. I had been trying to get hold of Sara, hoping to stay with her but she had her phone switched off. No matter I'm sure I would get hold of her later, the night was still young. I got out from the car with this sudden nervous feeling sweeping over me. Shit, why was I nervous, this got worse each time I had to explain. Anyway, I said holding my head up, I don't have to explain all the details; I'm just going to tell him.

It was a Friday and Friday's used to be poker night when we all hung out together ages ago but, no, surely they didn't have poker night still?

I rang the doorbell. This was it, no going back now.

I heard the inner door open and saw a shadow loom behind the panel of coloured glass, a click of the lock and light streamed out onto my face. There he was smiling as usual with his hair sticking up, hair that I'd tried millions of times to tame, being a hairdresser and all. I noticed it was darker than I remembered, he'd often got me to bleach it so many times I'd told him that the ends would break off but he never listened, always wanting to try different colours. I'd lost count of how many shades of green we'd discovered between us.

"Jules! I don't believe it!" said Tre, drawing her into an easy hug. He smelled of whisky.

We drew back from our hug and Tre shouted out. "Hey everybody, look who's here. Come on through," he said quietly turning to me.

I suddenly felt great and wondered why on earth I had been worried about coming here. It had been a while but, this was Tre and I knew the ins and outs of him. I felt stupid to have been worried about seeing him again.

"I don't believe you still have Friday Poker," I said entering the dining room.

"Yep. And anyway we could do with another sucker," said Tre taking her through to the dining room. Smoke hung in a cloud below the ceiling lamp and there they were, the guys. Billie and Mike sitting there like I'd only seen them just yesterday. Billie rolling up his usual joint and Mike sitting on two chairs, well sitting on one chair and his long legs lounging over onto another. They stood up then and greeted me and I sensed that Billie kind of knew that I was coming. Him and Adi, of course she'd told him, why wouldn't she have.

Tre pressed a glass of whisky into my hand and I sat down in the spare chair, just as if it had been waiting for me.

"You've grown," said Tre.

"Fuck off," I said. "So I've put on a little weight, but only a stone," I had always been underweight and scrawny. Everybody back in Scotland said the extra weight had suited me. Trust Tre to bring it up.

"It suits you," said Mike "its just a shame that we can no longer call you skinny bitch," he laughed.

"I can call you fat bitch now and mean it," said Tre inhaling his cigarette. Then handing the packet over to me so that I could take one.

"Sorry," I said waving him away. "I don't smoke any more."

"But you'll have one of these right?" said Billie waving a spliff in front of my face.

"Nope, but I haven't given up the alcohol," I said taking a slug from the glass. "Right," I said placing the whisky glass back on the table. "Who's dealing? I'm going to whip your asses," I said glancing over and watching Tre blow smoke rings. My thoughts wandered again, back to those old days...


Mendocino Hills, July 1983

The weather had changed slightly and it was absolutely roasting hot, the kind of hot where you don't know what to do with yourself. I'd been sitting on 'our' log for about an hour now waiting for him. He was late and I was getting overheated. The lake looked evermore tempting the hotter I became but I'd resisted up until now.

Ten minutes later and I was in. I'd had enough of the heat and the cool water was just so inviting. I only paddled hesitantly at first then decided to go for it and dropped down letting the cool water wash over my shoulders and I splashed my arms. I swam out to the centre of the lake where I trod water. I was only in my bra and knickers but didn't care; Tre had seen me in these before as we'd often had the occasional swim.

"Hey, you could have waited for me," said Tre stroppily as he appeared from behind a tree.

"I waited for ages and I got too hot sitting on the log, anyway, what took you?" I said.

"My parents took me shopping at the last minute, we were checking out drum kits for my birthday. I've seen the one I want Jules and if I get all my chores and homework done without complaining over the next month they said I could get the drum kit early. Then when we got back I had to mow the lawn," he rolled his eyes "in this heat, but of course I couldn't complain."

He started whipping off his t-shirt and shorts and then without even thinking he'd taken off his underpants and was running towards the water, his thingy bobbing about. I turned quickly embarrassed. That was the first time I'd seen a... thingy.

He dived in the water then surfaced next to me.

"Tre! You're naked," I said, not looking at him, knowing that he was naked.

"Yep, butt naked because that's what skinny dipping is all about, you should do it sometime," he said face to face with me.

"No way Tre, there's no way that you are seeing my... boobies," I said to him covering them over even though I had a bikini top on. He laughed and dived under the water again.

We got out dripping wet and lay in the sunshine to dry off. Thank goodness he'd put his pants back on. We lay there for a while then suddenly he was up and over to his trousers and brought out a tin. It looked like a tobacco tin. He clicked open the lid and inside was about twenty rolled up cigarettes.

"Disgusting," I said. "My Dad smokes those and he stinks." I said turning way, not believing that he was about to have a smoke.

"Try one," he said offering me the tin.

"No way, it gives you bad breath, you should smell my Dads." I still wasn't impressed.

Tre laughed, took himself out a cigarette then sparked a match up on a rock and lit his cigarette and inhaling deeply laid himself back on the rock. Actually the smell of the match being lit was quite nice, the cigarette not.

"I didn't know you smoked Tre. How long?" I said.

"Ages but you're so stuck up I didn't want to let you see me smoke." He said exhaling smoke all over me.

I felt offended then. Was I that stuck up? Surely not.

"I'm not stuck up," I said cross with him and waving his smoke away from me.

"Sometimes you are," said Tre looking over at me. I think he realised that he'd upset me slightly and he put his hand out on my shoulder. "Hey, Jules, watch this," he said and blew about four smoke rings, one after the other. We lay back and watched them together as they disintegrated into the warm summer air...


We played poker for quite a while and I realized how relaxed I felt in these guy's company. The male conversation washed over me, companionable and familiar. The happiest years of my life had been spent in male company, these guys company. There wasn't any slyness that you got with women, no prying questions or competitiveness, just sport, jokes, music and sex talk. At one point they had a debate on whether they thought a certain talk show hostess was hot or not leading onto a general conversation about the type of women they preferred. Not this again I thought laughing. They were so predictable.

"Lots," said Tre "with big mammas," he said gesturing with his hands.

"Brunettes with gorgeous eyes," said Billie obviously meaning his wife.

"Blondes with long legs," said Mike "and they have to be self sufficient but not taller than me," as he was tall enough.

"That would be right Mike," I said "we all know that every man's ideal woman would be about four foot tall with a flat head so you'd have somewhere to put your drink," I snorted sarcastically.

They laughed. "So Jules," said Mike, "What's your ideal man?"

"Oh...one that's not afraid of spiders," I said smiling to myself and suddenly laying down a card but not really thinking about my ideal man right now. My fear of spiders was well known amongst this lot, they'd all been spider catchers for me at some point in my life.

"I'm folding," said Billie.

"She's bluffing," said Mike who was already out.

It was just Tre and Jules now left in the game.

"Go on Jules, slaughter him," said Billie

"I am going to slaughter him, watch me," Jules said.

"Bet you don't," challenged Tre

"Bet I do."

"If you win this hand... " said Tre blowing out smoke. "I'll... "

"You'll what? Fly me off to the Caribbean? Give me an autograph?" I said laughing at him.

"I'll take you out to Cosmo's for your birthday treat," said Tre.

"But that's ages way," I said.

"So?"

"You'll forget, because its your birthday too."

Tre's blue eyes danced. "Oh yeah... I forgot, we always spend our birthdays together, except last year, somehow you weren't around," he said. This had obviously pissed him off at the time but I ignored his comment.

"I accept the bet anyway, so you can take me out on our birthday and you're paying," I said.

"If you lose, you're paying." Said Tre

"Of course." I said without hesitation.

I laid down my cards, confidently.

"Shit," Tre slumped over the table with mock despair and flipped his cards to show his hand.

"I owe you dinner," He said simply looking up at me with his blue puppy dog eyes.

"I know you do and I won't let you forget." I said then laughing. I'd missed these guys; whatever was I thinking staying away for so long.

--

Tre came back in with some coffees. He was wearing his old Ramones T shirt that he'd had for years, his good old faithful, he'd done so much whilst wearing that T shirt. He'd slept in it, gigged in it, shagged in it probably. It was once black but was now a sort of greyish washed out colour and un-ironed. He wore his comfortable long shorts that I'd seen so many times before, his feet were bare and he had a joint tucked behind his ear. I couldn't help smiling; it was so good to see him but I wouldn't tell him this knowing how big headed he was.

"So how's Cliff?" said Tre laying the tray out on the table.

"You mean Clive." I said. Shit, why had he brought Clive up, I wasn't ready to talk about Clive.

"Whatever. Do we gather that he's let you out to play for a while, being allowed out of his sight from bonny Scotland?" That crappy accent again, he never did perfect it.

"What kind of a question is that?" I said looking up at him. He could b so annoying sometimes.

"Only we haven't seen you hardly since you and he got together?" He said pouring out the coffee but spilling half of it.

I crossed my arms and looked at him defensively. I wasn't going to let him get to me and I wasn't going to let him see me get upset.

"Is he still 'super'?" said Tre

"Didn't you know that nobody says 'super' and nobody in England or Scotland has said 'super' since about the late forties." I said to him.

"Getting snappy aren't we," said Tre concentrating on pouring the coffee. "Poor old Cliff is probably glad to get rid of you for a while." Suddenly Tre felt like he'd had too much to drink

"Its CLIVE," I said glaring at him.

"Ooh look you're flaring your nostrils now," Tre said "you look like a camel. A fat bitch camel." Tre felt like he'd definitely had too much to drink.

"Oh fuck off Tre." I said and playfully shoved him on his arm I didn't want to explain about me and Clive here. Wrong time and place.

My luck had ran out at the poker and the play got more and more aggressive and raucous. My pile of chips dwindling to nothing so I folded early then took my phone out into the hall to phone Sara, she must be home by now.

"You have reached the number of Sara Martinez, please leave your name and number and I'll get back to you."

I groaned and spoke into the phone. "Its me, I need you, call me on my mobile when you hear this. Please," I begged practically.

When I got back to the table the guys were talking about someone I didn't know. He had a weird name.

"Daft name," I said reminding them that I was still there but they were talking like I wasn't there. I reached for the whisky but it just fuzzed my brain up a bit more and the smoke was hurting my eyes. I realised suddenly that after travelling all day all I wanted was my bed and I then realised that I didn't have a bed to go to. Where were you Sara?

"Excuse me I have to make another call," I said. Tre was watching her, wondering why she had to go outside and make calls all the time.

"Fucking thing," I said coming back into the room. I couldn't make any more calls for some reason.

"What are you doing?" said Tre.

"Fucking phone, I can't get the buttons to work," I said. I banged it on the table in frustration and tried again.

"That's because you're trying to make a call on a pocket calculator," said Billie dryly wondering what on earth had got into Jules.

I saw Tre grinning wildly at me and I lost my temper and threw the calculator down, knocking it into his glass and splashing whiskey all over the place.

"Jules what do you think you're doing?" said Tre open-mouthed.

"Fuck off Tre, it didn't even touch you," I said looking at his annoyed face.

"She's drunk," Said Billie.

"Fuck off Billie, I'm not drunk,"

"Lets get her a cab," Billie said.

"Fuck off Billie, I don't need a cab,"

Something weird was happening in the room, it was spinning and then someone was bending down over me.

"Are you alright Jules?" said Mike.

"Fuck off Mike, I'm just fine," I mumbled then passed out.

"She never could take her whisky," said Tre and they all laughed.