Affliction, chapter 1
Were we holding hands when my wrists bled?
No.
The compassion is a lie. Why did I believe you when you said 'I Love You?'
I can barely lift my head; the mass of it is all too much. When I asked for a light, I didn't know it would happen like this.
Do you still care about me? I know I care about you. I know too much of this not too.
Wish me beauty when I die. Wish me love when I lie. I wish for you to be with me. Love me, I love you.
*
"Morning, what would you like for breakfast? Coffee and toast as usual?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Something wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Okay," I looked at the one I held so close. Does he not feel the same way? "Mike?"
"Yeh?"
"Do you... love me?"
The question took the bassist by surprise. He looked at me with powder blue eyes. "I...I...Shawnee... I love you." He stood up and took my hands, his frame standing a whole five inches taller than mine. "You saved me, I love you." I looked up at him, his eyes so pure, untouched by pain. My dark blue eyes held secrets, and pain of the past, tiredness found rarely.
We stood in the kitchen, holding hands. I let go, only to get him his coffee. I wished for the pain to go away. He numbs it. I love him. I put two sugars in it, and buttered the toast. I didn't eat, as I didn't feel the need to. Handing him his breakfast, I wished for only a moment Allan was here. If he didn't run away with Alex. I might still like him. Alex was my best friend. Running away with him put her in my books. I looked over at Mike, my whole, my all. But that's what I said about Allan. Can I trust myself not to make the same mistake? I hope so. Living my life has taught me a lot, like never trust a guy who claims he loves you.
I felt Mike leave a kiss on my cheek. "See you in a bit, k? Gotta go meet the guys at the studio."
"Kay. See you in a while." I watched him leave. About five minutes later, I popped in my favorite CD, Warning into the player. As I sang and danced to the music I wondered what had become of myself. Did I really live in a hotel room? Was this all just a dream? Oh dear I hope not. I grabbed a joint from my purse. About seven minutes later I was stoned as fuck. After I had something to eat, I went for a shower. Since I am an aggressive shaver, I got cuts and razor burn. All I did was laugh, seeing as how that's all I could do. I grabbed some extra bandages and wrapped up my legs. After my shower, I decided to write in my journal. I was pretty baked, so I just wrote what I was thinking. I got something else to eat and decided on a nap.
*
I awoke to Mike re-entering the room. My eyes were open a crack, just enough to see he had brought someone with him, probably just Tre or Billie. I scrambled out of bed, to realize that I was in a t-shirt and panties. My eyes were fully open now, and I couldn't recognize the man Mike was talking to. I could see he was wearing a tuxedo and had a solemn look upon his 'detailed' face. Was this guy a lawyer? He was carrying a briefcase. But he could also be one of those guys that tries to get the band to change their record company. But if he was, Mike wouldn't have brought him here. Racking my brain for who it could be, I didn't notice they were both staring at my green and pink panties.
My eyes wide in fear, I dove under the blankets in embarrassment. I grabbed the whole bedding and covered myself, walking towards the dresser, my face burning red. I rummaged through the top drawer with one hand, using the other to keep the blankets covering me. I grabbed one of Mike's Ramones t-shirts and my favorite pair of jeans. Scrambling to the bathroom to change, I tripped over the blankets. I ended up dropping them, and sprinting to the bathroom that was two feet away. I didn't notice Mike and the other guy weren't paying attention. After getting changed and slopping some eyeliner on, I walked coolly back out of the bathroom, to be presented with Mike crying. I practically jumped on him.
"What's wrong?" He looked at me with those eyes.
"My mother... she's... she's..." he said between sniffles. If it was any other day, I would have thought it strange for someone of his maturity to be crying. I tried to console him.
"Who are you?" I directed my glare towards the guy in the suit.
"I am Frederick Homes attorney and will specialist." I looked at this guy with my 'I don't give a fuck' look. I was almost sitting on my Mike, trying to comfort him.
"I see you are together... anyway I came here to tell you that your mother left you something in her will" 'Freddy' said. Mike and I looked at each other.
"You are to receive this after the funeral," he said and handed Mike a letter. "I will be leaving," He said, and showed himself out.
I glared at his back, hoping to burn holes in his twenty dollar suit. I bet every night he goes home and laughs at all the people he made cry that day. What an asshole! I looked at Mike, who was still crying; just seeing him so sad tore my heart. I reached for the letter 'Freddy' handed him. Mike pulled himself together somewhat, and managed to open the letter. In it was a piece of paper folded in half, with the name Michael at the top:
Michael
If you are reading this, I have passed away. I hope my lawyer wasn't too intruding.
I know this is a very sad time for you. I'm not here anymore, and there is no one to
Take care of you... not that you need it; you are a very mature young man. I'm sorry,
Michael that I wasn't a better parent, but it was a rough time for me, and I just wasn't
Smart enough to pull myself together. I hope you find the right someone for you, and
That she (or he) takes care of you. You deserve the best, and I regret that I couldn't
Give it to you. Please, take care of your children better than I have taken care of you.
After my funeral talk to Frederick, he will give you something for your children.
Make me proud son, I love you.
Mike's lips quivered as he read the last line over and over again, his mind racing. He wasn't close to his mother, but her leaving wasn't something he was ready for. He took her for granted, and now she was gone.
"She... she's really gone," I looked into Mike's bloodshot eyes, still fresh from crying earlier. It made me sad to see him so vulnerable. I wanted to hold him and get rid of all of his problems. I wish I could, but I knew I couldn't. I'm not magic any more than the Ramones were great. I cupped Mike's hands in mine,
"Mike, we'll make it through this," he nodded, sniffling occasionally. It tore me to see him like this. Mike looked at me, his eyes telling me he had a thought, a thought of hope. I kept eye contact with him as we leaned in for a kiss. My mind was racing a million miles an hour, my brain was stew. I wanted to protect my love with my heart and soul.
"Shawnee?" Mike asked after he had broken away from the kiss.
"Yeah, babe?"
"I want... never mind," he lowered his head, only for it to be lifted up again by my hand,
"Mike... I love you." His eyes said more than words, his mouth turned into a warm smile. I embraced him, never letting go.
No.
The compassion is a lie. Why did I believe you when you said 'I Love You?'
I can barely lift my head; the mass of it is all too much. When I asked for a light, I didn't know it would happen like this.
Do you still care about me? I know I care about you. I know too much of this not too.
Wish me beauty when I die. Wish me love when I lie. I wish for you to be with me. Love me, I love you.
*
"Morning, what would you like for breakfast? Coffee and toast as usual?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Something wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Okay," I looked at the one I held so close. Does he not feel the same way? "Mike?"
"Yeh?"
"Do you... love me?"
The question took the bassist by surprise. He looked at me with powder blue eyes. "I...I...Shawnee... I love you." He stood up and took my hands, his frame standing a whole five inches taller than mine. "You saved me, I love you." I looked up at him, his eyes so pure, untouched by pain. My dark blue eyes held secrets, and pain of the past, tiredness found rarely.
We stood in the kitchen, holding hands. I let go, only to get him his coffee. I wished for the pain to go away. He numbs it. I love him. I put two sugars in it, and buttered the toast. I didn't eat, as I didn't feel the need to. Handing him his breakfast, I wished for only a moment Allan was here. If he didn't run away with Alex. I might still like him. Alex was my best friend. Running away with him put her in my books. I looked over at Mike, my whole, my all. But that's what I said about Allan. Can I trust myself not to make the same mistake? I hope so. Living my life has taught me a lot, like never trust a guy who claims he loves you.
I felt Mike leave a kiss on my cheek. "See you in a bit, k? Gotta go meet the guys at the studio."
"Kay. See you in a while." I watched him leave. About five minutes later, I popped in my favorite CD, Warning into the player. As I sang and danced to the music I wondered what had become of myself. Did I really live in a hotel room? Was this all just a dream? Oh dear I hope not. I grabbed a joint from my purse. About seven minutes later I was stoned as fuck. After I had something to eat, I went for a shower. Since I am an aggressive shaver, I got cuts and razor burn. All I did was laugh, seeing as how that's all I could do. I grabbed some extra bandages and wrapped up my legs. After my shower, I decided to write in my journal. I was pretty baked, so I just wrote what I was thinking. I got something else to eat and decided on a nap.
*
I awoke to Mike re-entering the room. My eyes were open a crack, just enough to see he had brought someone with him, probably just Tre or Billie. I scrambled out of bed, to realize that I was in a t-shirt and panties. My eyes were fully open now, and I couldn't recognize the man Mike was talking to. I could see he was wearing a tuxedo and had a solemn look upon his 'detailed' face. Was this guy a lawyer? He was carrying a briefcase. But he could also be one of those guys that tries to get the band to change their record company. But if he was, Mike wouldn't have brought him here. Racking my brain for who it could be, I didn't notice they were both staring at my green and pink panties.
My eyes wide in fear, I dove under the blankets in embarrassment. I grabbed the whole bedding and covered myself, walking towards the dresser, my face burning red. I rummaged through the top drawer with one hand, using the other to keep the blankets covering me. I grabbed one of Mike's Ramones t-shirts and my favorite pair of jeans. Scrambling to the bathroom to change, I tripped over the blankets. I ended up dropping them, and sprinting to the bathroom that was two feet away. I didn't notice Mike and the other guy weren't paying attention. After getting changed and slopping some eyeliner on, I walked coolly back out of the bathroom, to be presented with Mike crying. I practically jumped on him.
"What's wrong?" He looked at me with those eyes.
"My mother... she's... she's..." he said between sniffles. If it was any other day, I would have thought it strange for someone of his maturity to be crying. I tried to console him.
"Who are you?" I directed my glare towards the guy in the suit.
"I am Frederick Homes attorney and will specialist." I looked at this guy with my 'I don't give a fuck' look. I was almost sitting on my Mike, trying to comfort him.
"I see you are together... anyway I came here to tell you that your mother left you something in her will" 'Freddy' said. Mike and I looked at each other.
"You are to receive this after the funeral," he said and handed Mike a letter. "I will be leaving," He said, and showed himself out.
I glared at his back, hoping to burn holes in his twenty dollar suit. I bet every night he goes home and laughs at all the people he made cry that day. What an asshole! I looked at Mike, who was still crying; just seeing him so sad tore my heart. I reached for the letter 'Freddy' handed him. Mike pulled himself together somewhat, and managed to open the letter. In it was a piece of paper folded in half, with the name Michael at the top:
Michael
If you are reading this, I have passed away. I hope my lawyer wasn't too intruding.
I know this is a very sad time for you. I'm not here anymore, and there is no one to
Take care of you... not that you need it; you are a very mature young man. I'm sorry,
Michael that I wasn't a better parent, but it was a rough time for me, and I just wasn't
Smart enough to pull myself together. I hope you find the right someone for you, and
That she (or he) takes care of you. You deserve the best, and I regret that I couldn't
Give it to you. Please, take care of your children better than I have taken care of you.
After my funeral talk to Frederick, he will give you something for your children.
Make me proud son, I love you.
Mike's lips quivered as he read the last line over and over again, his mind racing. He wasn't close to his mother, but her leaving wasn't something he was ready for. He took her for granted, and now she was gone.
"She... she's really gone," I looked into Mike's bloodshot eyes, still fresh from crying earlier. It made me sad to see him so vulnerable. I wanted to hold him and get rid of all of his problems. I wish I could, but I knew I couldn't. I'm not magic any more than the Ramones were great. I cupped Mike's hands in mine,
"Mike, we'll make it through this," he nodded, sniffling occasionally. It tore me to see him like this. Mike looked at me, his eyes telling me he had a thought, a thought of hope. I kept eye contact with him as we leaned in for a kiss. My mind was racing a million miles an hour, my brain was stew. I wanted to protect my love with my heart and soul.
"Shawnee?" Mike asked after he had broken away from the kiss.
"Yeah, babe?"
"I want... never mind," he lowered his head, only for it to be lifted up again by my hand,
"Mike... I love you." His eyes said more than words, his mouth turned into a warm smile. I embraced him, never letting go.
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