Butterflies and Steel, chapter 2
"This is my dad," Joey introduced. I looked at him, hiding my shock well. Honestly, I didn't know what to think. It was definitely a surprise to see a celebrity standing in front of me, especially when it was from a band that was extremely famous. I was only glad that I wasn't a big fan.
"Hi, I'm Billie," he said politely. I shook his hand and smiled.
"Carrie," I replied. Introductions really weren't necessary, at least on his part, and I think he was quite aware that I knew who he was. He still smiled though.
"She's really cool," Joey interjected. Immediately I saw a sort of change come over him. Instead of that mature sense about him, it was a carefree boyishness that took its place. It was almost like being with his dad made all of his troubles disappear. I smiled down at him.
"Is she?" Billie asked, more looking at me. It felt like a scrutinizing gaze, and honestly it was a little uncomfortable. I looked away, suddenly feeling extremely judged. I couldn't stand getting those looks, and it didn't help that they came from a complete stranger whose thoughts were extremely foreign to me.
"Yeah," Joey kept on, "she even likes the Ramones."
"Awesome," his dad laughed. I felt stupid for not saying anything, but hell, what was I supposed to say? I struggled in my mind for some words.
"Your son kept me company," I interjected. "He's an awesome kid. You're lucky."
"Thanks," Billie said. I could tell that he was feeling a good bit of fatherly pride.
"I'd love to stay and talk, but I've gotta run. Things to do," I said, more than ready to go home and forget about this whole awkward thing. Most people would have loved to be standing in front of Billie Joe Armstrong. I, on the other hand, could care less about famous people. I felt uncomfortable to be in his presence, almost afraid to be judged unfairly.
"Well, it was nice meeting you," Billie said. I nodded and looked down at Joey, who I almost forgot was standing there.
"Maybe I'll see you again some time, kiddo," I said. I smiled warmly at him. He was an amazing kid, and I could tell that even though I had barely known him for an hour.
"I hope so," he replied sincerely. His dad put an arm around him and looked down.
"Where's Jakob?" Billie asked. Joey shrugged.
"Dunno," he replied. "I'll go find him. He's around here somewhere."
"Okay. Hurry though. Tre's in the car and he wants to see you guys," Billie smiled. Joey brightened even more and went to go find his brother.
"Bye Carrie!" he said quickly before running off. I was almost home free. I even went to go to my car when Billie called out my name.
"Carrie," he said. He walked up to me. Again, I felt awkward, but I couldn't exactly run. I turned around. "I want to say thanks for keeping Joey company. I was a little worried because I came late. I just got back and their mom was picking me up so-"
"No problem," I cut him off. He was babbling like most parents do when they had avoided one of their worst fears. It almost sounded like he was justifying his late appearance. "He's a great kid."
"I know," Billie agreed, looking off into Joey's direction. He had apparently found his brother, which I didn't even know he had, and he was just as cute as Joey.
"Cute kids," I commented. "Didn't know he had a brother."
"Yeah," Billie nodded. "Joey usually does his own thing when he can. Usually Jakob hangs around him a lot, though."
"Ah," I said, for lack of anything better. I was never good at small talk or conversation with strangers. I think he must have picked up on that.
"I'll let you get going, then," he said. I had to stop myself from visible relief. "Thanks again."
"Don't mention it," I nodded. Quickly I got into my car and left.
***
"Uncle Tre!" Jakob squealed with delight as he saw his godfather. Tre gave him a hug and proceeded to question him about girlfriends and school. Billie took this time to ask Joey about that woman who had been talking to him at the park.
"So, how did you meet her?" Billie started. At first he was a little worried to see that a strange woman was talking to his son, but she seemed nice enough. A little withdrawn, sure, but not a potential threat. Billie always had a tendency to worry irrationally about his kids, and he supposed it was what parents do.
"She was sitting by herself, so I went over to talk to her," Joey said. And to avoid an argument about talking to strangers he added: "She looked lonely."
"How old was she?" Billie asked, still wanting to learn more about Carrie.
"Twenty five," Joey said. Tre looked over at Billie with a lop-sided grin.
"Only eleven and the kid is already a pimp," Tre laughed. Billie rolled his eyes but couldn't suppress a laugh.
"It's not like that," Joey snapped, even though he knew that Tre was only joking. Billie glanced at his son in the rear-view mirror. It looked almost like he had formed a strong bond with the woman in the short time that he had talked to her.
"Easy, little man, I was only joking," Tre laughed. He poked Joey in the side, but Joey was already in a mood. Definitely like his dad. "Looks like someone has a crush."
"Shut up," Joey said. Billie almost laughed, even though he should have said some kind of bullshit about respect to elders or something. And would have, provided that Tre wasn't mentally the same age as Joey. This made him smile even more.
"Then why do you like her so much?" Tre continued. "I mean, I saw her, she was a fox."
"For one, she doesn't talk to me like a kid," Joey spat. Billie sighed. Tre looked a little shocked at this sudden flair of temper.
"Leave him alone," Billie whispered to Tre. "You're annoying him." He reached down and turned the radio on. Tre heeded Billie's advice and began to pick on Jakob.
***
After I got home I grabbed a beer out of my fridge and sat down. I tried to think about anything else than Joey or his dad. I hated this so much. Seeing such a great kid like that only further reminded me of the love that I would never have. I didn't know why I tortured myself everyday by going to that park. I realized that it was more than inevitable that some kid would end up talking to me; I just didn't think that the kid in question would have had such a big impact.
I wasn't sure what it was that made me care so much about Joey. Maybe it was the fact that I was reminded so heavily of me as a kid that it hit too close to home. But really, Joey wasn't like me. Joey had a great dad, and I could see that just by the way that his face lit up whenever he looked at him. It was also apparent that he had a great life and childhood, which was so different from myself.
Nevertheless, despite the reality of it all, the tears came. The salty rivers spilled down my cheeks as I sobbed, hating everything that I was and would never have. I never had a loving childhood or good parents, and I would never have any kids to give the love that I never had to. I basically wallowed in my own self-pity, shamelessly, wishing I had a little Joey of my own.
Forcefully, I stopped the tears and wiped them away furiously. There was no point in crying over it, I realized. There was no point in wanting what I would never have. Of course everything that I didn't have would seem more appealing to me than if I had the ability to have them.
I decided that the best thing to do at that point would be to go to bed.
"Hi, I'm Billie," he said politely. I shook his hand and smiled.
"Carrie," I replied. Introductions really weren't necessary, at least on his part, and I think he was quite aware that I knew who he was. He still smiled though.
"She's really cool," Joey interjected. Immediately I saw a sort of change come over him. Instead of that mature sense about him, it was a carefree boyishness that took its place. It was almost like being with his dad made all of his troubles disappear. I smiled down at him.
"Is she?" Billie asked, more looking at me. It felt like a scrutinizing gaze, and honestly it was a little uncomfortable. I looked away, suddenly feeling extremely judged. I couldn't stand getting those looks, and it didn't help that they came from a complete stranger whose thoughts were extremely foreign to me.
"Yeah," Joey kept on, "she even likes the Ramones."
"Awesome," his dad laughed. I felt stupid for not saying anything, but hell, what was I supposed to say? I struggled in my mind for some words.
"Your son kept me company," I interjected. "He's an awesome kid. You're lucky."
"Thanks," Billie said. I could tell that he was feeling a good bit of fatherly pride.
"I'd love to stay and talk, but I've gotta run. Things to do," I said, more than ready to go home and forget about this whole awkward thing. Most people would have loved to be standing in front of Billie Joe Armstrong. I, on the other hand, could care less about famous people. I felt uncomfortable to be in his presence, almost afraid to be judged unfairly.
"Well, it was nice meeting you," Billie said. I nodded and looked down at Joey, who I almost forgot was standing there.
"Maybe I'll see you again some time, kiddo," I said. I smiled warmly at him. He was an amazing kid, and I could tell that even though I had barely known him for an hour.
"I hope so," he replied sincerely. His dad put an arm around him and looked down.
"Where's Jakob?" Billie asked. Joey shrugged.
"Dunno," he replied. "I'll go find him. He's around here somewhere."
"Okay. Hurry though. Tre's in the car and he wants to see you guys," Billie smiled. Joey brightened even more and went to go find his brother.
"Bye Carrie!" he said quickly before running off. I was almost home free. I even went to go to my car when Billie called out my name.
"Carrie," he said. He walked up to me. Again, I felt awkward, but I couldn't exactly run. I turned around. "I want to say thanks for keeping Joey company. I was a little worried because I came late. I just got back and their mom was picking me up so-"
"No problem," I cut him off. He was babbling like most parents do when they had avoided one of their worst fears. It almost sounded like he was justifying his late appearance. "He's a great kid."
"I know," Billie agreed, looking off into Joey's direction. He had apparently found his brother, which I didn't even know he had, and he was just as cute as Joey.
"Cute kids," I commented. "Didn't know he had a brother."
"Yeah," Billie nodded. "Joey usually does his own thing when he can. Usually Jakob hangs around him a lot, though."
"Ah," I said, for lack of anything better. I was never good at small talk or conversation with strangers. I think he must have picked up on that.
"I'll let you get going, then," he said. I had to stop myself from visible relief. "Thanks again."
"Don't mention it," I nodded. Quickly I got into my car and left.
***
"Uncle Tre!" Jakob squealed with delight as he saw his godfather. Tre gave him a hug and proceeded to question him about girlfriends and school. Billie took this time to ask Joey about that woman who had been talking to him at the park.
"So, how did you meet her?" Billie started. At first he was a little worried to see that a strange woman was talking to his son, but she seemed nice enough. A little withdrawn, sure, but not a potential threat. Billie always had a tendency to worry irrationally about his kids, and he supposed it was what parents do.
"She was sitting by herself, so I went over to talk to her," Joey said. And to avoid an argument about talking to strangers he added: "She looked lonely."
"How old was she?" Billie asked, still wanting to learn more about Carrie.
"Twenty five," Joey said. Tre looked over at Billie with a lop-sided grin.
"Only eleven and the kid is already a pimp," Tre laughed. Billie rolled his eyes but couldn't suppress a laugh.
"It's not like that," Joey snapped, even though he knew that Tre was only joking. Billie glanced at his son in the rear-view mirror. It looked almost like he had formed a strong bond with the woman in the short time that he had talked to her.
"Easy, little man, I was only joking," Tre laughed. He poked Joey in the side, but Joey was already in a mood. Definitely like his dad. "Looks like someone has a crush."
"Shut up," Joey said. Billie almost laughed, even though he should have said some kind of bullshit about respect to elders or something. And would have, provided that Tre wasn't mentally the same age as Joey. This made him smile even more.
"Then why do you like her so much?" Tre continued. "I mean, I saw her, she was a fox."
"For one, she doesn't talk to me like a kid," Joey spat. Billie sighed. Tre looked a little shocked at this sudden flair of temper.
"Leave him alone," Billie whispered to Tre. "You're annoying him." He reached down and turned the radio on. Tre heeded Billie's advice and began to pick on Jakob.
***
After I got home I grabbed a beer out of my fridge and sat down. I tried to think about anything else than Joey or his dad. I hated this so much. Seeing such a great kid like that only further reminded me of the love that I would never have. I didn't know why I tortured myself everyday by going to that park. I realized that it was more than inevitable that some kid would end up talking to me; I just didn't think that the kid in question would have had such a big impact.
I wasn't sure what it was that made me care so much about Joey. Maybe it was the fact that I was reminded so heavily of me as a kid that it hit too close to home. But really, Joey wasn't like me. Joey had a great dad, and I could see that just by the way that his face lit up whenever he looked at him. It was also apparent that he had a great life and childhood, which was so different from myself.
Nevertheless, despite the reality of it all, the tears came. The salty rivers spilled down my cheeks as I sobbed, hating everything that I was and would never have. I never had a loving childhood or good parents, and I would never have any kids to give the love that I never had to. I basically wallowed in my own self-pity, shamelessly, wishing I had a little Joey of my own.
Forcefully, I stopped the tears and wiped them away furiously. There was no point in crying over it, I realized. There was no point in wanting what I would never have. Of course everything that I didn't have would seem more appealing to me than if I had the ability to have them.
I decided that the best thing to do at that point would be to go to bed.
