Butterflies and Steel, chapter 23
I hopped into my Neon, for once fully away at 5 AM and ready to drive to the airport. I couldn't wait until I got to New York to see Tre and the look of surprise that he would have on his face. He had no idea I was coming--the only other person other than Adrienne and myself that knew was Billie, who had agreed readily to pick me up at the airport. I smiled to myself as I turned a curve, glad to have such a good friend.
In all my life, I couldn't remember one distinctly happy moment. Before Joey and Tre and the whole gang, I existed. I swam in self-doubt and self-pity, and I couldn't get my head out of the past. Now, all I could think of was the future. My future with Tre, my future writing songs for Darryl and my future happiness.
I was so happy when Darryl had told me about getting signed to the record label. She was finally getting what we all knew that she had really wanted, and I knew that she would be successful. I was also flattered that she had specifically asked me to continue writing songs for her, and I would be accredited for all of my work. I couldn't wait to share this with Tre, provided Mike hadn't already said something. It didn't matter--it would make me happy just to talk to him.
It was more that I had ever hoped for, being happy, and nothing in this world could ruin that. Nothing.
As I came around another corner, I barely noticed the orange Camero coming up on the highway from a side road. Instead of stopping at the stop sign they ran on through, and I was powerless because they were already pulled out in front of me when I slammed on my brakes.
I had to have been going at least sixty-five, and I smashed into the Camero's side. I had braced myself for the impact, closing my eyes and praying that this was a dream. The sound of crunching glass and grinding metal penetrated this thought violently and filled my ears. The force of impact had slammed me against the seatbelt, and I cried out as I felt ribs break, pain searing up and down my entire body.
Up became down and vice versa as this surreal moment slowed everything down to a painful and confusing blur. Complete vertigo grabbed my throat before I realized that my Neon was flipping upside down. I was completely disoriented, in pain and unaware of what was going on. Salty sweat and blood ran down into my eyes, and it seemed like this feeling might go on forever.
Faintly I could hear the sound of metal grinding against asphalt as I realized that my car was sliding on it's roof. I forced my eyes open, and through the blood and sweat, I saw the light pole coming at me. I was unable to move my arms and brace myself against the impending impact.
That was the last thing that I saw before the world faded.
***
Billie glanced down at his watch and looked around. Carrie was no where in sight, and it was a half an hour past the time that she said she would be there. He sighed, knowing that he should invest in some patience. The flight was probably delayed anyway.
He waited twenty more minutes before checking up with information. The clerk smiled at him forcefully. "Can I help you, sir?" the elderly woman asked. Billie returned the forced smile.
"I was wondering if the flight from Berkeley, California to here was delayed," Billie said. The clerk turned moodily to her computer and scanned a list.
"No sir," the clerk said. Billie frowned. "What flight number are you looking for?"
"Flight 682," he replied. Maybe Carrie had gotten off the plane and got lost in the terminal. He wanted to believe that, but he wasn't liking this at all. The clerk stopped scrolling and looked back at Billie worriedly.
"Flight 682 arrived about an hour ago," she replied slowly. "Try checking exit gate 49."
"Thanks," Billie said as he walked to a directory to find exit gate 49. While he was checking the board, his cell phone rang. "Hello?" he answered distractedly while reading the sign.
"Oh my God," Adrienne replied from the other end. Billie stopped cold, knowing by her voice she had been crying hysterically. "Baby, she--oh God--"
"Adie, what is it?" Billie asked as calm as he could, but feeling panic beginning to rise in his throat.
"Car--she--" Adrienne stopped and broke into small sobs. He gave her a minute to compose herself. "Carrie was in an accident."
"Is she--?" Billie asked, unable to add the word he had intended on using. All he could think about was Joey and Tre and the hurt they would have when they found out.
"She's in critical condition," Adrienne continued through sobs. "You need to get Tre here. The doctors won't tell me anything--" she paused, taking in a shuddering breath. "Baby, it's bad."
"I'll be home soon," Billie promised before hanging up. He walked over to the counter to buy plane tickets, and luckily the next flight left in the next hour and a half. He called Mike and told him and Tre to get their shit and come to the airport. Mike could tell that there was something wrong, and he tried to get Billie to tell him what was going on. Billie only repeated himself and hung up. There was no way in hell that he could have told them over the phone, especially not Tre.
An hour later Mike and Tre showed up at the airport. They immediately shot Billie a million questions. Neither of them even knew why he had been at the airport in the first place, so the had no clue that Carrie was even on her way. Or was on her way.
Billie couldn't help but look at Tre sadly. He had no idea that his girlfriend had been in a car accident miles away in another state. The news would hurt him, and he didn't want to say it. He was hurt himself and Carrie hadn't even been that close to him. All he could think of was Joey, and what he was going through. Tre could read the look on Billie's face enough to know that something was incredibly wrong.
"What happened?" he whispered, barely audible. Billie swallowed hard, fighting back all of his emotions.
"Carrie was in an accident," Billie said softly. Tre opened his mouth to start another round of questions, but Mike laid a hand on his arm. "I don't know what kind, but it's serious. Our flight leaves in five minutes." Tre nodded and swallowed, worry painting his face. He went deathly silent after that, lost in thoughts of worry and panic. Mike and Billie exchanged worried glances.
***
As soon as Billie pulled up to the hospital, Tre was out of the car without a word. So many things were running through his mind, and not one of them were good. He knew that it was serious by the way that Billie had acted, but he had to keep telling himself that it was alright. Everything would be alright.
No matter how many times he told himself that, it didn't ease the fear that kept his stomach clenched. Every step that he took towards her room built up further anxiety, and when he finally got there, the look on Adrienne's face didn't help. Adrienne was a strong woman, and she had clearly been crying. She looked up at him with a sad face and gave a weak smile.
"Is she okay?" were the first words that escaped his lips. Adrienne let out a sigh and looked towards where she was in operation.
"I don't know," she answered softly. "The fucking doctors won't tell me shit." Tre nodded and glanced down, seeing Joey leaning against his mother, asleep. His face and eyes were red and puffy, and he could still see the tear streaks that worn a path down his face.
"Tre?" a voice said behind him. He turned to see Mike and Billie with Darryl, and it was Darryl who had addressed him. She walked up and pulled him into a shaky embrace. He could tell that she was trying to keep herself calm. He envied her for her composure, but at the same time he was thankful. Someone had to keep it together.
"What happened?" Tre questioned. Darryl pulled away and let out a small breath, obviously not wanting to tell him. "Darryl," he urged, "what happened?" His voice was a little more panicked, but he kept it under as much control as he could muster.
"She was in a car wreck," Darryl answered slowly. She glanced at Mike, who had put a comforting arm around her. "From what I understand a car pulled out in front of her... " she trailed off, not wanting to go on, the tears welling up in her eyes. She looked up at Tre with an expression that broke his heart. "She wrapped her car around a telephone pole."
The words hit him hard, and swallowed down a lump that had been forming in his throat. It was really hard for him not to freak out; he knew how serious that kind of wreck was. That kind of wreck was fatal. He pushed that thought far from his mind, not even wanting that to be a possibility.
"Mrs. Nesser?" Tre heard a doctor address Adrienne by her last name behind him. He turned and walked to stand beside Billie, who was trying to comfort his wife. Without knowing it, he had reached out and grabbed Darryl's hand and squeezed it reassuringly. Everything was going to be okay.
"Yes?" Adrienne said, nodding. The doctor glanced at the rest of them and took off the doctor's cap that he had on his head.
"Carrie Miller died on the operating table," he said. Tre was hit hard by a ton of emotions at once, and knees gave out beneath him. He sat hard in a chair, barely hearing the cries of the others. He hated that doctor for telling him that, especially in that indifferent doctor's tone of voice. He hated that he had been thousands of miles away when the wreck had happened. But most of all, he hated the fact that he didn't even get to say goodbye.
The tears fell from his eyes, burning his face. Everyone was trying to say comforting words to him, but comfort for him was no where to be found. He felt like he had nothing, and he lost the only thing that he was completely sure of. The woman he loved was gone.
***
The cool wind blew through the cemetery, making the stifling hot day a little easier to bear. The words of the preacher droned on, and Tre found it hard to focus on much of anything. He stared at the red casket, knowing that Carrie was inside. Tears came to his eyes again as another realization hit him hard; he would never see her again.
A small hand slipped in his lovingly. He looked down at Ramona, who had flown all the way from New York to be with him. Her eyes brimmed with the same tears as her father's, and he pulled his daughter closer to him.
"It'll be okay," she whispered to him. He smiled wanly at her and bent down to kiss her forehead. He glanced around, seeing all the faces of Carrie's friends. Darryl and Mike, Seth, Billie and Adrienne, Joey...
He looked at Joey, who was holding the small notebook in his hands like always. A solemn expression aged his face, and it looked like he was refusing to cry. He was being strong for Carrie. Tre moved over to him and slipped an arm around him, knowing that he and Carrie had shared something special. Joey looked up at him cheerlessly, but let him know that his comfort was appreciated.
The preacher has stopped talking, and all was silent in the cemetery. Suddenly, Darryl stepped out of the crowd of mourners, tears falling freely down her cheeks. She opened her mouth and hesitated, shutting her eyes. Finally, she let the words come.
The world around in pain
Fake joy everyday
Kiss the hand of fate
Give your soul away
Butterflies and steel
Do we really feel
The words were shaky, but they held all of the emotion and meaning that Carrie had wanted. Tre was speechless, admiring Darryl's bravery. He knew the song and its meaning, and he listened as she continued after a small pause.
The child cries in vain
In this broken home
What happened to the better days
When we weren't alone
What happened to the world
Weeping in defeat
The lies that take their toll
Drowning in deceit
He listened as she repeated the chorus, this time a little stronger. He was having trouble standing, and he felt another small body move beside him. Ramona had walked to share his other side, giving him a source of strength. In between Joey and Ramona, he listened.
Candy and mistakes
Missing what we lost
Bittersweet and faint
Judgment has its cost
Joey was crushed, listening as the chorus repeated. He had lost what had been his best friend, and he felt like no one would ever understand how he felt like Carrie did. So he was the son of a rock star. Was that supposed to mean that everything was easier for him? Carrie never thought so.
Butterflies and steel
Do we really feel
How many times have we
Given up our lives
In pursuit of dreams
Of delusions and lies
Butterflies and steel
Do we really feel
The song stopped, and Darryl found herself falling into Mike's arms. Carrie had given her so much, and now she wasn't there. Her best friend, who had been there for her through thick and thin was gone. The quiet songwriter and tattooist who wasn't so quiet towards the end, was gone. The constant that Darryl could always count on, was gone.
Mike kissed Darryl's cheek, brushing some of the tears away. He pulled her away to look her in the eyes. "You did beautifully," he said, pulling her into a hug again. He could feel her shaking in his arms, and he knew that he would have to be there for her even more now. In the short span of time he knew Darryl he cared for her. She was an amazing and unique person, and he had Carrie to thank for introducing them.
Billie and Adrienne had moved beside Joey, pulling him to them. Neither of them knew exactly how big of an effect that Carrie had on him, but they both knew it had been important. Billie kissed his wife, slipping an arm around her waist. She smiled over at him as warmly as possible. She had liked Carrie a lot, and for her to go so suddenly was painful beyond many measures.
***
Two years later, Tre stood in front of Carrie's grave with a bouquet of flowers in his hands. The wind blew similarly as it had on her funeral day. He had visited her grave the year before as well, and the year that she had passed he visited he grave more times that he could count.
He set the flowers down at her grave, taking the old flowers that had been there and tossing them aside. It still hurt after all this time, even though he had moved on. He was engaged now, and he couldn't help but feel a little guilty for it. He knew that Carrie wouldn't have wanted it that way, so he pushed those feelings away.
"I miss you," he whispered, placing his hand on the headstone that he had gotten for her. He stood there in silence before he felt a hand brush his arm.
"You okay, Dad?" Ramona asked softly. Tre looked at her and nodded, putting an arm around her. She had grown so fast in two years, and she was now a teenager. She put her arms around him too, hugging him tightly.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he said, kissing her on the cheek. She pretended that it was gross, but really she didn't mind. She looked at the grave silently for a few moments.
"I miss her too," she admitted with a sigh. In truth, she missed her a lot. All of the other girlfriends before Carrie had been downright bitches, except for maybe Claudia. Carrie had gone out of her way to make things good between them, and for that Ramona had accepted her. Not to mention the fact that she could see how much Carrie had loved her dad.
"Come on," Tre said, taking one last look at the grave. "I better get you to the airport." Together they left, both of them with memories filling their heads.
In all my life, I couldn't remember one distinctly happy moment. Before Joey and Tre and the whole gang, I existed. I swam in self-doubt and self-pity, and I couldn't get my head out of the past. Now, all I could think of was the future. My future with Tre, my future writing songs for Darryl and my future happiness.
I was so happy when Darryl had told me about getting signed to the record label. She was finally getting what we all knew that she had really wanted, and I knew that she would be successful. I was also flattered that she had specifically asked me to continue writing songs for her, and I would be accredited for all of my work. I couldn't wait to share this with Tre, provided Mike hadn't already said something. It didn't matter--it would make me happy just to talk to him.
It was more that I had ever hoped for, being happy, and nothing in this world could ruin that. Nothing.
As I came around another corner, I barely noticed the orange Camero coming up on the highway from a side road. Instead of stopping at the stop sign they ran on through, and I was powerless because they were already pulled out in front of me when I slammed on my brakes.
I had to have been going at least sixty-five, and I smashed into the Camero's side. I had braced myself for the impact, closing my eyes and praying that this was a dream. The sound of crunching glass and grinding metal penetrated this thought violently and filled my ears. The force of impact had slammed me against the seatbelt, and I cried out as I felt ribs break, pain searing up and down my entire body.
Up became down and vice versa as this surreal moment slowed everything down to a painful and confusing blur. Complete vertigo grabbed my throat before I realized that my Neon was flipping upside down. I was completely disoriented, in pain and unaware of what was going on. Salty sweat and blood ran down into my eyes, and it seemed like this feeling might go on forever.
Faintly I could hear the sound of metal grinding against asphalt as I realized that my car was sliding on it's roof. I forced my eyes open, and through the blood and sweat, I saw the light pole coming at me. I was unable to move my arms and brace myself against the impending impact.
That was the last thing that I saw before the world faded.
***
Billie glanced down at his watch and looked around. Carrie was no where in sight, and it was a half an hour past the time that she said she would be there. He sighed, knowing that he should invest in some patience. The flight was probably delayed anyway.
He waited twenty more minutes before checking up with information. The clerk smiled at him forcefully. "Can I help you, sir?" the elderly woman asked. Billie returned the forced smile.
"I was wondering if the flight from Berkeley, California to here was delayed," Billie said. The clerk turned moodily to her computer and scanned a list.
"No sir," the clerk said. Billie frowned. "What flight number are you looking for?"
"Flight 682," he replied. Maybe Carrie had gotten off the plane and got lost in the terminal. He wanted to believe that, but he wasn't liking this at all. The clerk stopped scrolling and looked back at Billie worriedly.
"Flight 682 arrived about an hour ago," she replied slowly. "Try checking exit gate 49."
"Thanks," Billie said as he walked to a directory to find exit gate 49. While he was checking the board, his cell phone rang. "Hello?" he answered distractedly while reading the sign.
"Oh my God," Adrienne replied from the other end. Billie stopped cold, knowing by her voice she had been crying hysterically. "Baby, she--oh God--"
"Adie, what is it?" Billie asked as calm as he could, but feeling panic beginning to rise in his throat.
"Car--she--" Adrienne stopped and broke into small sobs. He gave her a minute to compose herself. "Carrie was in an accident."
"Is she--?" Billie asked, unable to add the word he had intended on using. All he could think about was Joey and Tre and the hurt they would have when they found out.
"She's in critical condition," Adrienne continued through sobs. "You need to get Tre here. The doctors won't tell me anything--" she paused, taking in a shuddering breath. "Baby, it's bad."
"I'll be home soon," Billie promised before hanging up. He walked over to the counter to buy plane tickets, and luckily the next flight left in the next hour and a half. He called Mike and told him and Tre to get their shit and come to the airport. Mike could tell that there was something wrong, and he tried to get Billie to tell him what was going on. Billie only repeated himself and hung up. There was no way in hell that he could have told them over the phone, especially not Tre.
An hour later Mike and Tre showed up at the airport. They immediately shot Billie a million questions. Neither of them even knew why he had been at the airport in the first place, so the had no clue that Carrie was even on her way. Or was on her way.
Billie couldn't help but look at Tre sadly. He had no idea that his girlfriend had been in a car accident miles away in another state. The news would hurt him, and he didn't want to say it. He was hurt himself and Carrie hadn't even been that close to him. All he could think of was Joey, and what he was going through. Tre could read the look on Billie's face enough to know that something was incredibly wrong.
"What happened?" he whispered, barely audible. Billie swallowed hard, fighting back all of his emotions.
"Carrie was in an accident," Billie said softly. Tre opened his mouth to start another round of questions, but Mike laid a hand on his arm. "I don't know what kind, but it's serious. Our flight leaves in five minutes." Tre nodded and swallowed, worry painting his face. He went deathly silent after that, lost in thoughts of worry and panic. Mike and Billie exchanged worried glances.
***
As soon as Billie pulled up to the hospital, Tre was out of the car without a word. So many things were running through his mind, and not one of them were good. He knew that it was serious by the way that Billie had acted, but he had to keep telling himself that it was alright. Everything would be alright.
No matter how many times he told himself that, it didn't ease the fear that kept his stomach clenched. Every step that he took towards her room built up further anxiety, and when he finally got there, the look on Adrienne's face didn't help. Adrienne was a strong woman, and she had clearly been crying. She looked up at him with a sad face and gave a weak smile.
"Is she okay?" were the first words that escaped his lips. Adrienne let out a sigh and looked towards where she was in operation.
"I don't know," she answered softly. "The fucking doctors won't tell me shit." Tre nodded and glanced down, seeing Joey leaning against his mother, asleep. His face and eyes were red and puffy, and he could still see the tear streaks that worn a path down his face.
"Tre?" a voice said behind him. He turned to see Mike and Billie with Darryl, and it was Darryl who had addressed him. She walked up and pulled him into a shaky embrace. He could tell that she was trying to keep herself calm. He envied her for her composure, but at the same time he was thankful. Someone had to keep it together.
"What happened?" Tre questioned. Darryl pulled away and let out a small breath, obviously not wanting to tell him. "Darryl," he urged, "what happened?" His voice was a little more panicked, but he kept it under as much control as he could muster.
"She was in a car wreck," Darryl answered slowly. She glanced at Mike, who had put a comforting arm around her. "From what I understand a car pulled out in front of her... " she trailed off, not wanting to go on, the tears welling up in her eyes. She looked up at Tre with an expression that broke his heart. "She wrapped her car around a telephone pole."
The words hit him hard, and swallowed down a lump that had been forming in his throat. It was really hard for him not to freak out; he knew how serious that kind of wreck was. That kind of wreck was fatal. He pushed that thought far from his mind, not even wanting that to be a possibility.
"Mrs. Nesser?" Tre heard a doctor address Adrienne by her last name behind him. He turned and walked to stand beside Billie, who was trying to comfort his wife. Without knowing it, he had reached out and grabbed Darryl's hand and squeezed it reassuringly. Everything was going to be okay.
"Yes?" Adrienne said, nodding. The doctor glanced at the rest of them and took off the doctor's cap that he had on his head.
"Carrie Miller died on the operating table," he said. Tre was hit hard by a ton of emotions at once, and knees gave out beneath him. He sat hard in a chair, barely hearing the cries of the others. He hated that doctor for telling him that, especially in that indifferent doctor's tone of voice. He hated that he had been thousands of miles away when the wreck had happened. But most of all, he hated the fact that he didn't even get to say goodbye.
The tears fell from his eyes, burning his face. Everyone was trying to say comforting words to him, but comfort for him was no where to be found. He felt like he had nothing, and he lost the only thing that he was completely sure of. The woman he loved was gone.
***
The cool wind blew through the cemetery, making the stifling hot day a little easier to bear. The words of the preacher droned on, and Tre found it hard to focus on much of anything. He stared at the red casket, knowing that Carrie was inside. Tears came to his eyes again as another realization hit him hard; he would never see her again.
A small hand slipped in his lovingly. He looked down at Ramona, who had flown all the way from New York to be with him. Her eyes brimmed with the same tears as her father's, and he pulled his daughter closer to him.
"It'll be okay," she whispered to him. He smiled wanly at her and bent down to kiss her forehead. He glanced around, seeing all the faces of Carrie's friends. Darryl and Mike, Seth, Billie and Adrienne, Joey...
He looked at Joey, who was holding the small notebook in his hands like always. A solemn expression aged his face, and it looked like he was refusing to cry. He was being strong for Carrie. Tre moved over to him and slipped an arm around him, knowing that he and Carrie had shared something special. Joey looked up at him cheerlessly, but let him know that his comfort was appreciated.
The preacher has stopped talking, and all was silent in the cemetery. Suddenly, Darryl stepped out of the crowd of mourners, tears falling freely down her cheeks. She opened her mouth and hesitated, shutting her eyes. Finally, she let the words come.
The world around in pain
Fake joy everyday
Kiss the hand of fate
Give your soul away
Butterflies and steel
Do we really feel
The words were shaky, but they held all of the emotion and meaning that Carrie had wanted. Tre was speechless, admiring Darryl's bravery. He knew the song and its meaning, and he listened as she continued after a small pause.
The child cries in vain
In this broken home
What happened to the better days
When we weren't alone
What happened to the world
Weeping in defeat
The lies that take their toll
Drowning in deceit
He listened as she repeated the chorus, this time a little stronger. He was having trouble standing, and he felt another small body move beside him. Ramona had walked to share his other side, giving him a source of strength. In between Joey and Ramona, he listened.
Candy and mistakes
Missing what we lost
Bittersweet and faint
Judgment has its cost
Joey was crushed, listening as the chorus repeated. He had lost what had been his best friend, and he felt like no one would ever understand how he felt like Carrie did. So he was the son of a rock star. Was that supposed to mean that everything was easier for him? Carrie never thought so.
Butterflies and steel
Do we really feel
How many times have we
Given up our lives
In pursuit of dreams
Of delusions and lies
Butterflies and steel
Do we really feel
The song stopped, and Darryl found herself falling into Mike's arms. Carrie had given her so much, and now she wasn't there. Her best friend, who had been there for her through thick and thin was gone. The quiet songwriter and tattooist who wasn't so quiet towards the end, was gone. The constant that Darryl could always count on, was gone.
Mike kissed Darryl's cheek, brushing some of the tears away. He pulled her away to look her in the eyes. "You did beautifully," he said, pulling her into a hug again. He could feel her shaking in his arms, and he knew that he would have to be there for her even more now. In the short span of time he knew Darryl he cared for her. She was an amazing and unique person, and he had Carrie to thank for introducing them.
Billie and Adrienne had moved beside Joey, pulling him to them. Neither of them knew exactly how big of an effect that Carrie had on him, but they both knew it had been important. Billie kissed his wife, slipping an arm around her waist. She smiled over at him as warmly as possible. She had liked Carrie a lot, and for her to go so suddenly was painful beyond many measures.
***
Two years later, Tre stood in front of Carrie's grave with a bouquet of flowers in his hands. The wind blew similarly as it had on her funeral day. He had visited her grave the year before as well, and the year that she had passed he visited he grave more times that he could count.
He set the flowers down at her grave, taking the old flowers that had been there and tossing them aside. It still hurt after all this time, even though he had moved on. He was engaged now, and he couldn't help but feel a little guilty for it. He knew that Carrie wouldn't have wanted it that way, so he pushed those feelings away.
"I miss you," he whispered, placing his hand on the headstone that he had gotten for her. He stood there in silence before he felt a hand brush his arm.
"You okay, Dad?" Ramona asked softly. Tre looked at her and nodded, putting an arm around her. She had grown so fast in two years, and she was now a teenager. She put her arms around him too, hugging him tightly.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he said, kissing her on the cheek. She pretended that it was gross, but really she didn't mind. She looked at the grave silently for a few moments.
"I miss her too," she admitted with a sigh. In truth, she missed her a lot. All of the other girlfriends before Carrie had been downright bitches, except for maybe Claudia. Carrie had gone out of her way to make things good between them, and for that Ramona had accepted her. Not to mention the fact that she could see how much Carrie had loved her dad.
"Come on," Tre said, taking one last look at the grave. "I better get you to the airport." Together they left, both of them with memories filling their heads.
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