Apples and Porcupines, neither of which has to do with this story, chapter 1
Billie slapped Mike. Mike slapped Billie. Adrienne buried her face in her hands and cursed. Tre got another beer.
"Aw, come on, you little bitch," Billie chided. "You can do better than that." His face was red from the game he and Mike had been playing for the last ten minutes. Mike's was slightly darker and he glared at Billie as he slapped him again.
"Boys, knock it off," Adrienne said once again, readily accepting the beer Tre offered her. "Joey and Jakob are going to be playing this game for weeks if they come down here."
"But we can ground them," Billie said, voice slightly slurred. He slapped Mike again, yawning. "I'm tired."
"You're quitting," Mike said gleefully.
"Am not!" Billie protested.
"Yes."
"No!" Billie threw himself at Mike, causing both of them to fall over the back of the couch and onto the coffee table, which loudly protested and cracked.
"Billie Joe Armstrong! Michael Ryan Dirnt! You two knock it off this instant and clean this mess up!" Adrienne snapped, standing up and putting her hands on her hips.
"Are you going to ground me?" Billie said, making no movement to get up.
"No. But I won't fuck you for a week." Adrienne nudged Mike with her shoe. "And I'll kick you in the balls."
Three sets of eyes widened.
"Adie, you can't just threaten to kick a guy in the balls," Billie said, standing up and offering Mike his hand. "That would be like Mike threatening to light all your shoes on fire."
The woman snorted. "Uh-huh. Now clean up the God damn coffee table while I get more beer." She disappeared into the basement, leaving the three men to look at each other.
"You are brave, my friend," Tre said gravely, clapping Billie on the shoulder. "She gets evil when she's drunk."
"Shut up!" Adrienne yelled from downstairs.
"Good in the sack though." Billie said in a low voice, winking. Then he slapped Mike again. "Help me clean this shit up, bitch."
"Your mom's a bitch." Mike muttered.
"Billie Joe's mom is the king of all the—" Tre began to sing.
"Shut up!" Billie, Mike, and Adrienne—who was coming up the stairs with a twelve pack of beer—said at the same time.
The woman emerged from the kitchen a few minutes later, draping herself over her husband. "Baby, do we have any tequila? I wanna do body shots," she asked, batting her eyelashes.
* * *
Tre slapped Mike. Mike slapped Tre.
"Get up, sleeping beauty. It's nine in the morning."
"Go fuck a cow."
"Billie already did that last—"
"Watch it!" came a voice from Billie and Adrienne's bedroom, quickly followed by a series of moans.
Billie slapped Adrienne's ass. Adrienne slapped Billie. "Harder, bitch!"
Mike yawned and rolled over on the dead coffee table. Tre turned the recording feature of his phone on and stood next to the door.
* * *
Adrienne slapped Tre. Tre slapped Billie. Billie pulled Adrienne's hair. Mike shot the three of them with the little sprayer thing on the side of the sink. Tre spit on Mike. Adrienne sighed. Billie shoved her against the fridge and began to kiss her.
"Get a room," Mike said, still spraying Tre.
"We did that," Adrienne said. "Tre recorded it, fucking—" Billie cut her off by shoving his tongue down her throat.
Tre grinned, obviously proud of his handy work. Then he picked up an orange and threw it at Mike. Mike threw a bottle of soap at Tre, which hit the floor and promptly exploded.
"Mike!" Adrienne yelled, managing to pull herself away from Billie's vacuum-like liplock.
"Slip and slide!" Tre yelled, stepping into the pink liquid with his three hundred dollar shoes, quickly falling on his ass. He pouted, then grabbed Mike's leg and pulled him into the puddle of goo. "Care for a bubble bath?" he asked in a husky voice.
"Not on your life." Mike said, putting his hand over Tre's puckered lips.
"Don't you love me?" Tre asked in a muffled voice, although it came out more like, "Donoouveee?"
"Not as much as he loves your mom." Adrienne said, wrapping a leg around Billie's waist.
"Your mom eats ham." Tre said from the floor.
"Your mom fucked the surgeon general."
"Your mom danced on the moon with a cat."
"Your mom tap-dances for NASA."
"Your mom licks bacon."
"Your mom humps shoes."
"Your mom reads lice bedtime stories."
"Your mom fucked me."
"Why wasn't I informed of your brief trip to Lesbian Land?" Billie interjected.
"Because you were just a baby." Adrienne teased, patting his head.
"Oh, shut up." Billie said, openly pouting.
"Baby." Mike said from the floor, trying to stand up only to have Tre latch onto his waist.
"Don't leeeeeave meeeeeeeeeeee." he said dramatically, planting kisses all over Mike's face.
"RAPE!"
"Awww." Adrienne smiled. "Billie get the camera. Tre's about to deflower Mike in a puddle of pink dishwashing soap."
"Go to hell, Adrienne." Mike managed to choke out, still trying to fend Tre off with all four of his flailing limbs.
Billie emerged from the refrigerator with a camera in his hand, looking confused. "I wanted beer."
Adrienne snatched it from him, preserving memories of Tre raping Mike with kisses in a pink puddle of soap.
Billie disappeared back into the fridge for beer, throwing various things out behind him. "Barbie doll. Eye patch. Wooden leg. Wig. Panties."
"Hey, I've been looking for these." Adrienne said, catching them. She glared at Tre who blushed. "My refrigerator is not your personal treasure chest."
"What else do you use them for?"
"Beer." Mike and Billie said in unison.
"Food." Adrienne said, rolling her eyes. "Boys."
"Girls." Billie shot back.
"You love girls, though."
"Only one."
"Lying whore."
"Moi? Honestly, Adrienne, I'm surprised at you."
"No, you're not." Mike said.
"Fuck off. Tre keep raping Mike."
"Happily." Tre said, running soapy hands through Mike's hair before returning to mouth-raping him.
"You're in trouble." Billie said to Adrienne. "Contradicting what the man of the house has to say." She snorted. "I'm just going to have to bend you over the counter and—"
The doorbell rang. Adrienne rolled her eyes at her husband, shaking her ass as she walked to the door. She cursed when she opened it, then signed a paper, returning to the kitchen with a huge cardboard box.
"Ooh, Super Woman." Tre said, apparently impressed by her strength.
"He's a wuss." Adrienne said, nodding at her husband.
"Am not!" Billie protested, trying to open a pickle jar and failing.
Adrienne rolled her eyes and opened the box, revealing two puppies and a large canary.
"Puppies!" Billie ran over to the box, picking them up. "We can name this one Paperclip and this one Porcupine."
"Billie, we are not naming puppies after office supplies and other animals." Adrienne said, shaking her finger. "We're naming the canary Licorice."
"So you can eat him?" Mike said from the floor, free from his attack of the Tre.
Tre was now trying to stand up, eager to get to the puppies. However, he was slipping in the soap and pouting openly about it. "Biwwie. Help me." he said in a child-like voice, batting his eyelashes.
Billie's eyes widened. "No! My puppies."
"Now, boys," Adrienne said, walking over to help Tre up, "you're going to have to share."
"Mine!" Billie repeated, holding them tight. "They got sent to my house! Not yours!"
"Puppies!" Tre insisted, pulling on Billie's hair. "I want one! Give me a puppy, bastard!"
"Billie Joe Armstrong, you better share," Adrienne said with a warning tone in her voice as she put paper towels over the puddle of soap Mike was now out of.
"No!" he said. "They're mine."
"You're grounded."
"You're mean."
"You're a bitch."
"You're a bitch."
"Want to fuck?"
"Maybe."
"Aw, come on, you little bitch," Billie chided. "You can do better than that." His face was red from the game he and Mike had been playing for the last ten minutes. Mike's was slightly darker and he glared at Billie as he slapped him again.
"Boys, knock it off," Adrienne said once again, readily accepting the beer Tre offered her. "Joey and Jakob are going to be playing this game for weeks if they come down here."
"But we can ground them," Billie said, voice slightly slurred. He slapped Mike again, yawning. "I'm tired."
"You're quitting," Mike said gleefully.
"Am not!" Billie protested.
"Yes."
"No!" Billie threw himself at Mike, causing both of them to fall over the back of the couch and onto the coffee table, which loudly protested and cracked.
"Billie Joe Armstrong! Michael Ryan Dirnt! You two knock it off this instant and clean this mess up!" Adrienne snapped, standing up and putting her hands on her hips.
"Are you going to ground me?" Billie said, making no movement to get up.
"No. But I won't fuck you for a week." Adrienne nudged Mike with her shoe. "And I'll kick you in the balls."
Three sets of eyes widened.
"Adie, you can't just threaten to kick a guy in the balls," Billie said, standing up and offering Mike his hand. "That would be like Mike threatening to light all your shoes on fire."
The woman snorted. "Uh-huh. Now clean up the God damn coffee table while I get more beer." She disappeared into the basement, leaving the three men to look at each other.
"You are brave, my friend," Tre said gravely, clapping Billie on the shoulder. "She gets evil when she's drunk."
"Shut up!" Adrienne yelled from downstairs.
"Good in the sack though." Billie said in a low voice, winking. Then he slapped Mike again. "Help me clean this shit up, bitch."
"Your mom's a bitch." Mike muttered.
"Billie Joe's mom is the king of all the—" Tre began to sing.
"Shut up!" Billie, Mike, and Adrienne—who was coming up the stairs with a twelve pack of beer—said at the same time.
The woman emerged from the kitchen a few minutes later, draping herself over her husband. "Baby, do we have any tequila? I wanna do body shots," she asked, batting her eyelashes.
* * *
Tre slapped Mike. Mike slapped Tre.
"Get up, sleeping beauty. It's nine in the morning."
"Go fuck a cow."
"Billie already did that last—"
"Watch it!" came a voice from Billie and Adrienne's bedroom, quickly followed by a series of moans.
Billie slapped Adrienne's ass. Adrienne slapped Billie. "Harder, bitch!"
Mike yawned and rolled over on the dead coffee table. Tre turned the recording feature of his phone on and stood next to the door.
* * *
Adrienne slapped Tre. Tre slapped Billie. Billie pulled Adrienne's hair. Mike shot the three of them with the little sprayer thing on the side of the sink. Tre spit on Mike. Adrienne sighed. Billie shoved her against the fridge and began to kiss her.
"Get a room," Mike said, still spraying Tre.
"We did that," Adrienne said. "Tre recorded it, fucking—" Billie cut her off by shoving his tongue down her throat.
Tre grinned, obviously proud of his handy work. Then he picked up an orange and threw it at Mike. Mike threw a bottle of soap at Tre, which hit the floor and promptly exploded.
"Mike!" Adrienne yelled, managing to pull herself away from Billie's vacuum-like liplock.
"Slip and slide!" Tre yelled, stepping into the pink liquid with his three hundred dollar shoes, quickly falling on his ass. He pouted, then grabbed Mike's leg and pulled him into the puddle of goo. "Care for a bubble bath?" he asked in a husky voice.
"Not on your life." Mike said, putting his hand over Tre's puckered lips.
"Don't you love me?" Tre asked in a muffled voice, although it came out more like, "Donoouveee?"
"Not as much as he loves your mom." Adrienne said, wrapping a leg around Billie's waist.
"Your mom eats ham." Tre said from the floor.
"Your mom fucked the surgeon general."
"Your mom danced on the moon with a cat."
"Your mom tap-dances for NASA."
"Your mom licks bacon."
"Your mom humps shoes."
"Your mom reads lice bedtime stories."
"Your mom fucked me."
"Why wasn't I informed of your brief trip to Lesbian Land?" Billie interjected.
"Because you were just a baby." Adrienne teased, patting his head.
"Oh, shut up." Billie said, openly pouting.
"Baby." Mike said from the floor, trying to stand up only to have Tre latch onto his waist.
"Don't leeeeeave meeeeeeeeeeee." he said dramatically, planting kisses all over Mike's face.
"RAPE!"
"Awww." Adrienne smiled. "Billie get the camera. Tre's about to deflower Mike in a puddle of pink dishwashing soap."
"Go to hell, Adrienne." Mike managed to choke out, still trying to fend Tre off with all four of his flailing limbs.
Billie emerged from the refrigerator with a camera in his hand, looking confused. "I wanted beer."
Adrienne snatched it from him, preserving memories of Tre raping Mike with kisses in a pink puddle of soap.
Billie disappeared back into the fridge for beer, throwing various things out behind him. "Barbie doll. Eye patch. Wooden leg. Wig. Panties."
"Hey, I've been looking for these." Adrienne said, catching them. She glared at Tre who blushed. "My refrigerator is not your personal treasure chest."
"What else do you use them for?"
"Beer." Mike and Billie said in unison.
"Food." Adrienne said, rolling her eyes. "Boys."
"Girls." Billie shot back.
"You love girls, though."
"Only one."
"Lying whore."
"Moi? Honestly, Adrienne, I'm surprised at you."
"No, you're not." Mike said.
"Fuck off. Tre keep raping Mike."
"Happily." Tre said, running soapy hands through Mike's hair before returning to mouth-raping him.
"You're in trouble." Billie said to Adrienne. "Contradicting what the man of the house has to say." She snorted. "I'm just going to have to bend you over the counter and—"
The doorbell rang. Adrienne rolled her eyes at her husband, shaking her ass as she walked to the door. She cursed when she opened it, then signed a paper, returning to the kitchen with a huge cardboard box.
"Ooh, Super Woman." Tre said, apparently impressed by her strength.
"He's a wuss." Adrienne said, nodding at her husband.
"Am not!" Billie protested, trying to open a pickle jar and failing.
Adrienne rolled her eyes and opened the box, revealing two puppies and a large canary.
"Puppies!" Billie ran over to the box, picking them up. "We can name this one Paperclip and this one Porcupine."
"Billie, we are not naming puppies after office supplies and other animals." Adrienne said, shaking her finger. "We're naming the canary Licorice."
"So you can eat him?" Mike said from the floor, free from his attack of the Tre.
Tre was now trying to stand up, eager to get to the puppies. However, he was slipping in the soap and pouting openly about it. "Biwwie. Help me." he said in a child-like voice, batting his eyelashes.
Billie's eyes widened. "No! My puppies."
"Now, boys," Adrienne said, walking over to help Tre up, "you're going to have to share."
"Mine!" Billie repeated, holding them tight. "They got sent to my house! Not yours!"
"Puppies!" Tre insisted, pulling on Billie's hair. "I want one! Give me a puppy, bastard!"
"Billie Joe Armstrong, you better share," Adrienne said with a warning tone in her voice as she put paper towels over the puddle of soap Mike was now out of.
"No!" he said. "They're mine."
"You're grounded."
"You're mean."
"You're a bitch."
"You're a bitch."
"Want to fuck?"
"Maybe."
