Vein, chapter 2
5th November 2006.
Dear Mom,
How is everything going? Are you happy there? Has Herald been nice?
I went to the library today and guess who I saw? Mrs. Ebertson. I haven't seen that woman leave her house in two years! She was looking some old book and she was clearly enjoying it. Laughing to herself. It made me a little sad. I don't know why.
I wish you would come home, because it's really boring. At least you understood me. And I'm hungry. Dad can't make good food. I have eaten vegetables and fruites for two days now. Dad is obviously miserable. He's not so enthusiastic of his job anymore. And he is drinking even more than usually. He is home before I am and he is so quiet that I think I can hear his heart beating.
Please Mom, I miss you.
Dad misses you.
Edvard misses you.
I really would like you to come home.
Or do you want to take the blame that we starved to death?
I'm lonely Mother. I have no friends. You know that, do you? I have no one to talk to. Except Edvard. But it's not the same. I want someone who answers back. I just want to say that, whatever yo decide, whether you stay there or you come back, you're my mom and I love you. But I am angry at you right now. And this is my last letter to you. After this I won't bother you and Herald. I don't know exactly what happened between you and dad, but it couldn't have been that horrible. You can forgive him. And dad will forgive you. Right, Mom? I don't want you to think that I may take the blame for what happened, or that I may turn suicidal. I won't. I know it's not my fault. It was your decision to leave. So it's your fault. I don't want it to be your fault, but for now, I can't think otherwise. I need to hear what's your point of view. I haven't heard dad, because he won't speak to me. So I really need your help. Some say that it's better not to know, but I NEED to know. So I can live with myself. I don't want to hear any excuses and lies. I want explanation. A reason for all of this. I want you know that I am not bitter. I am just angry and disappointed. I can move on with my life. But it's not going to be easy. I'm just worried about dad. I'm not sure he knows what happened. Or he's just in shock. Anyway, if I don't get a reply, let's say, seven days from now, this will be my goodbye to you. It's your choice.
Say hello to Herald.
Bye,
Your Daughter.
And there I was, sitting in my secret place at the attic, writing a letter to my mother. I had to stop writing for a few times because I started to cry. I was sad and lonely. I just hoped and prayed to get through the following days. I was angry and hurt.
Crying made my head ache, and it didn't help at all that I was a thinker. I thought a lot of things, and my mind was exploding of all the things where I didn't get an explanation. I needed fresh air and out I went. I walked in to the forest and all the while calculating and solving hard equation called life. I didn't get an answer from the hollow trees and a little moment I was mad at them.
Although there was one thing that comforted me. Green Day. Remembering that song gave me hope. I don't know how and why. But it did. Maybe I thought that I'm not the only one who is having a rough time. There is someone out there who's things are in more terrible state than mine.
I am selfish.
No I am not.
Yes you are.
Those little devils that just won't stop are arguing inside my head. So what if I care about myself. So what if I once in my life have the nerve to think how I am.
At the end of the walk, I still couldn't decide am I selfish or not.
Dear Mom,
How is everything going? Are you happy there? Has Herald been nice?
I went to the library today and guess who I saw? Mrs. Ebertson. I haven't seen that woman leave her house in two years! She was looking some old book and she was clearly enjoying it. Laughing to herself. It made me a little sad. I don't know why.
I wish you would come home, because it's really boring. At least you understood me. And I'm hungry. Dad can't make good food. I have eaten vegetables and fruites for two days now. Dad is obviously miserable. He's not so enthusiastic of his job anymore. And he is drinking even more than usually. He is home before I am and he is so quiet that I think I can hear his heart beating.
Please Mom, I miss you.
Dad misses you.
Edvard misses you.
I really would like you to come home.
Or do you want to take the blame that we starved to death?
I'm lonely Mother. I have no friends. You know that, do you? I have no one to talk to. Except Edvard. But it's not the same. I want someone who answers back. I just want to say that, whatever yo decide, whether you stay there or you come back, you're my mom and I love you. But I am angry at you right now. And this is my last letter to you. After this I won't bother you and Herald. I don't know exactly what happened between you and dad, but it couldn't have been that horrible. You can forgive him. And dad will forgive you. Right, Mom? I don't want you to think that I may take the blame for what happened, or that I may turn suicidal. I won't. I know it's not my fault. It was your decision to leave. So it's your fault. I don't want it to be your fault, but for now, I can't think otherwise. I need to hear what's your point of view. I haven't heard dad, because he won't speak to me. So I really need your help. Some say that it's better not to know, but I NEED to know. So I can live with myself. I don't want to hear any excuses and lies. I want explanation. A reason for all of this. I want you know that I am not bitter. I am just angry and disappointed. I can move on with my life. But it's not going to be easy. I'm just worried about dad. I'm not sure he knows what happened. Or he's just in shock. Anyway, if I don't get a reply, let's say, seven days from now, this will be my goodbye to you. It's your choice.
Say hello to Herald.
Bye,
Your Daughter.
And there I was, sitting in my secret place at the attic, writing a letter to my mother. I had to stop writing for a few times because I started to cry. I was sad and lonely. I just hoped and prayed to get through the following days. I was angry and hurt.
Crying made my head ache, and it didn't help at all that I was a thinker. I thought a lot of things, and my mind was exploding of all the things where I didn't get an explanation. I needed fresh air and out I went. I walked in to the forest and all the while calculating and solving hard equation called life. I didn't get an answer from the hollow trees and a little moment I was mad at them.
Although there was one thing that comforted me. Green Day. Remembering that song gave me hope. I don't know how and why. But it did. Maybe I thought that I'm not the only one who is having a rough time. There is someone out there who's things are in more terrible state than mine.
I am selfish.
No I am not.
Yes you are.
Those little devils that just won't stop are arguing inside my head. So what if I care about myself. So what if I once in my life have the nerve to think how I am.
At the end of the walk, I still couldn't decide am I selfish or not.
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