Secrets are for keeping - My Daddy's gay, chapter 1
[u] SECRETS ARE FOR KEEPING - MY DADDY'S GAY[/u]
Joseph Armstrong
I wandered along in a daze, feeling warm tears dribbling down my face. Normally I'd be a bit worried about going out on my own but at the moment I'm too sad to think about that. I don't suppose I'll be along for long anyway. It depends how long it'll take Dad to get dressed again and then for him to come out and find me.
More hot tears spilled out as the scenes played over in my mind... they didn't even stop when I walked in. It took them about 3 minutes to notice I was there, and even then they didn't try and hide or make excuse. They just sat gawping at me whilst T ran out, but not before throwing up all over the floor.
It really was disgusting. Well, I say 'yuck' whenever Mum and dad kiss, but I'm only joking really. I wasn't even too phased my sex ed. a few months ago...but they never showed us anything like that...
What gets me is that they still made the noises and everything, but it's the 'normal' way, is it? So...they shouldn't be, really.
I wish Mum were here. Actually, I don't. She'd get upset if she'd just seen what I did. Unless she already knows...If not, what's going to happen when she finds out? I don't want my parents to split up...what'll happen to me and Jakob? Will we have to stand up in court and choose who we want to live with?
It's just not fair. Why can't my family be normal? No rock star father that's hardly around, no having a 'secret' address, no bullying at school, certainly none of what I just saw...why can't he just be an accountant and do DIY like everyone else's Dads?
Right now, I'd choose Mum.
I've sat down on a bench facing the road. I'm still crying, but I don't feel so sick anymore. Hmmm...well, just in case, I've scooted close to the bin beside the seat.
Maybe I could leave home forever. I could be like the Saint Jimmy dude from that song! Only...without the suicide. I'll be the patron saint of the denial with an angel face and a taste for...uhh...apple strudel? That kinda rhymes... He sure does have a hard job, writing songs all the time. It's not easy at it looks.
I can't even stand to say we're related anymore.
If only I'd stayed at Tom's house for a bit longer and hadn't come home looking for 'him'. I might have been spared my mental stability. I'll probably be scarred for life now...I hope he's proud of himself when I'm one of those people locked up in a white padded cell. It might be all right if I could tell someone about this, but no. I've got to suffer in silence. How would I go about telling someone anyway? "Hi! I saw my Dad doing something really strange the other day! Yeah, he was riding another man! Weird, huh?"
Even in my head it sounds stupid...and disgusting...and...
Oh.
I can see our car driving down the street.
I wanted to hide behind the bench, but I couldn't move. It suddenly struck me how real this all was. I think a part of me still hoped that it was some sick dream I was having that I'd wake up from...
The car pulled up and window wound down. I couldn't bare to look at his face, so stared hard at my shoelaces.
It was uncle Tre that spoke. He must be driving.
"Get in little buddy, we need to have a chat. Come on home."
I obediently got into the car, but didn't look at either of them as we drove back, still glued to my feet. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Dad was giving me worried glances. Well...let him worry, it's his fault I'm going to end up crazy. Actually, he's lucky I haven't had a panic attack, courtesy of his genes of course.
Wait, I forgot. We aren't related.
I still hadn't met eyes with either of them when we were in the living room. I was gently pushed onto the sofa and 'he' knelt down in front of me, taking my hands in his. Tre hovered in the background.
"Joey..." Dad sighed.
I gazed at him silently.
"You shouldn't have had to see that."
I sniffed. "But I did...and whether I saw you or not, you still did it." I choked slightly on the lump in my throat.
"I know, I know." he sighed again. "When you're older you'll understand-"
"Explain it now!" I demanded. "You can't just...just let me see...and...just..." I couldn't carry on, dissolving into tears.
"Shhh, it's ok-"
"You're supposed to love Mum!" I exploded through the crying. "You wrote her all those things! You love her not him!" I threw Tre a dirty look. "This is all your fault!" I spat at him.
"It's no one's fault." Dad said calmly but firmly. "These things happen."
"Not like that they don't!" I hissed pulling my hands out of his grip. "What was that anyway?"
Dad looked a bit embarrassed and exchanged looks with Tre. "It's the way...happy people...well, you know..."
I was shocked, to say the least. "You're gay?"
"Not exactly...it's hard to say, you're too young." I noticed Dad was crying too. "You shouldn't have had to see...never. Eleven, you're only eleven! I would never..."
Tre moved forwards to comfort Dad, but I shouted, "Stay away from him!" He (wisely) did as I said.
I turned back to my father. "What about Mummy?" I whispered. "What are you going to tell her?"
"Joey, we're not telling her anything. This our secret, just the three of us."
"But that's lying!" I objected. "How much more of 'that' can you want behind her back?"
Dad cried harder and I found myself feeling a bit sorry for him. "I don't know. I've just...fucked it all up...We're not happy together anymore."
"So you did it with him?!" I shrieked. "That's not going to help!"
"It makes you feel better," Tre murmured.
I spun towards him, eyes wild. "Shut up! ShutupshutupshutUP! Stop making him gay!"
Tre went to retaliate, but Dad cut across. "Just go, I'll catch you up later."
"Oh I bet you will." I spat as Tre walked out, looking crestfallen.
"Joey please, hear me out."
He looked so sad that I stopped talking, but tears still poured down my cheeks. He took a shuddering breath. "Me and Mummy are having trouble right now. What I did wasn't a way to solve thing, like you said, but I need to figure myself out. It...it might be the end for me and your Mum."
"No..." my fears were realised.
"But no matter what, I will always love you. You and Jakob."
"But not Mummy," I murmured.
"I'm so sorry...I just mess up everything...I've ruined it all..." he took me in his rams, hugging me tightly.
No matter how angry I was at him, how upset I felt, he was still my Dad. My Daddy that taught me how to ride a bike and bought me a guitar and makes me laugh on bad days...
"I love you too daddy." I sobbed and he cried harder too. We cried together.
"I'll tell Mum when I'm ready," Dad sniffed after a while. "Can you keep it secret for me until then?"
I nodded. I may have to be locked up in a padded room for the rest of my days, but he's my father...I love him, and I trust him to tell Mum himself.
I'll keep his secret to the grave, along with the images of him and Tre together. It shouldn't be too hard to pretend. I can play happily families if Dad can. After all, secrets are for keeping.
Joseph Armstrong
I wandered along in a daze, feeling warm tears dribbling down my face. Normally I'd be a bit worried about going out on my own but at the moment I'm too sad to think about that. I don't suppose I'll be along for long anyway. It depends how long it'll take Dad to get dressed again and then for him to come out and find me.
More hot tears spilled out as the scenes played over in my mind... they didn't even stop when I walked in. It took them about 3 minutes to notice I was there, and even then they didn't try and hide or make excuse. They just sat gawping at me whilst T ran out, but not before throwing up all over the floor.
It really was disgusting. Well, I say 'yuck' whenever Mum and dad kiss, but I'm only joking really. I wasn't even too phased my sex ed. a few months ago...but they never showed us anything like that...
What gets me is that they still made the noises and everything, but it's the 'normal' way, is it? So...they shouldn't be, really.
I wish Mum were here. Actually, I don't. She'd get upset if she'd just seen what I did. Unless she already knows...If not, what's going to happen when she finds out? I don't want my parents to split up...what'll happen to me and Jakob? Will we have to stand up in court and choose who we want to live with?
It's just not fair. Why can't my family be normal? No rock star father that's hardly around, no having a 'secret' address, no bullying at school, certainly none of what I just saw...why can't he just be an accountant and do DIY like everyone else's Dads?
Right now, I'd choose Mum.
I've sat down on a bench facing the road. I'm still crying, but I don't feel so sick anymore. Hmmm...well, just in case, I've scooted close to the bin beside the seat.
Maybe I could leave home forever. I could be like the Saint Jimmy dude from that song! Only...without the suicide. I'll be the patron saint of the denial with an angel face and a taste for...uhh...apple strudel? That kinda rhymes... He sure does have a hard job, writing songs all the time. It's not easy at it looks.
I can't even stand to say we're related anymore.
If only I'd stayed at Tom's house for a bit longer and hadn't come home looking for 'him'. I might have been spared my mental stability. I'll probably be scarred for life now...I hope he's proud of himself when I'm one of those people locked up in a white padded cell. It might be all right if I could tell someone about this, but no. I've got to suffer in silence. How would I go about telling someone anyway? "Hi! I saw my Dad doing something really strange the other day! Yeah, he was riding another man! Weird, huh?"
Even in my head it sounds stupid...and disgusting...and...
Oh.
I can see our car driving down the street.
I wanted to hide behind the bench, but I couldn't move. It suddenly struck me how real this all was. I think a part of me still hoped that it was some sick dream I was having that I'd wake up from...
The car pulled up and window wound down. I couldn't bare to look at his face, so stared hard at my shoelaces.
It was uncle Tre that spoke. He must be driving.
"Get in little buddy, we need to have a chat. Come on home."
I obediently got into the car, but didn't look at either of them as we drove back, still glued to my feet. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Dad was giving me worried glances. Well...let him worry, it's his fault I'm going to end up crazy. Actually, he's lucky I haven't had a panic attack, courtesy of his genes of course.
Wait, I forgot. We aren't related.
I still hadn't met eyes with either of them when we were in the living room. I was gently pushed onto the sofa and 'he' knelt down in front of me, taking my hands in his. Tre hovered in the background.
"Joey..." Dad sighed.
I gazed at him silently.
"You shouldn't have had to see that."
I sniffed. "But I did...and whether I saw you or not, you still did it." I choked slightly on the lump in my throat.
"I know, I know." he sighed again. "When you're older you'll understand-"
"Explain it now!" I demanded. "You can't just...just let me see...and...just..." I couldn't carry on, dissolving into tears.
"Shhh, it's ok-"
"You're supposed to love Mum!" I exploded through the crying. "You wrote her all those things! You love her not him!" I threw Tre a dirty look. "This is all your fault!" I spat at him.
"It's no one's fault." Dad said calmly but firmly. "These things happen."
"Not like that they don't!" I hissed pulling my hands out of his grip. "What was that anyway?"
Dad looked a bit embarrassed and exchanged looks with Tre. "It's the way...happy people...well, you know..."
I was shocked, to say the least. "You're gay?"
"Not exactly...it's hard to say, you're too young." I noticed Dad was crying too. "You shouldn't have had to see...never. Eleven, you're only eleven! I would never..."
Tre moved forwards to comfort Dad, but I shouted, "Stay away from him!" He (wisely) did as I said.
I turned back to my father. "What about Mummy?" I whispered. "What are you going to tell her?"
"Joey, we're not telling her anything. This our secret, just the three of us."
"But that's lying!" I objected. "How much more of 'that' can you want behind her back?"
Dad cried harder and I found myself feeling a bit sorry for him. "I don't know. I've just...fucked it all up...We're not happy together anymore."
"So you did it with him?!" I shrieked. "That's not going to help!"
"It makes you feel better," Tre murmured.
I spun towards him, eyes wild. "Shut up! ShutupshutupshutUP! Stop making him gay!"
Tre went to retaliate, but Dad cut across. "Just go, I'll catch you up later."
"Oh I bet you will." I spat as Tre walked out, looking crestfallen.
"Joey please, hear me out."
He looked so sad that I stopped talking, but tears still poured down my cheeks. He took a shuddering breath. "Me and Mummy are having trouble right now. What I did wasn't a way to solve thing, like you said, but I need to figure myself out. It...it might be the end for me and your Mum."
"No..." my fears were realised.
"But no matter what, I will always love you. You and Jakob."
"But not Mummy," I murmured.
"I'm so sorry...I just mess up everything...I've ruined it all..." he took me in his rams, hugging me tightly.
No matter how angry I was at him, how upset I felt, he was still my Dad. My Daddy that taught me how to ride a bike and bought me a guitar and makes me laugh on bad days...
"I love you too daddy." I sobbed and he cried harder too. We cried together.
"I'll tell Mum when I'm ready," Dad sniffed after a while. "Can you keep it secret for me until then?"
I nodded. I may have to be locked up in a padded room for the rest of my days, but he's my father...I love him, and I trust him to tell Mum himself.
I'll keep his secret to the grave, along with the images of him and Tre together. It shouldn't be too hard to pretend. I can play happily families if Dad can. After all, secrets are for keeping.
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