Secrets are for keeping - My Daddy's gay, chapter 2
[u] Joseph Armstrong [/u]
It was easier to pretend than I'd thought it would be. If I ignored Dad and barely spoke to Mum, I wouldn't feel guilty for either of them and life would just...go on.
I consequently spend my whole days locked away in my room and that makes things even easier because I don't have to talk to anyone at all!! Apart from a certain annoying younger brother that can't read 'Do not disturb' door signs.
"Jo-ey," Jakob moaned for about the 100th time. "I'm booored..."
"So go play with Dad," I snapped irritably, barely looking up from this diary. I've decided that writing it all down will help me sort my thoughts out, so far...it hasn't done too great a job... but I'm hoping things will get easier with time.
Jake sighed. "Dad's 'creating'."
"I'll bet he is."
"What's the matter, Joey? You've gone really weird!"
I shrugged but didn't say anything.
"Tell me," he pleaded. "I don't like it when you're all moody and quiet."
"I don't like it when you're bugging me," I retaliated.
"I'm not! I'm just asking if you're OK!"
"Stop 'just asking' me then!"
Jake stuck his tongue out. "Make me."
With a sigh, I tried to get back to my writing. I think the hardest thing for me is keeping these things from Jakob. He's too young to see that when Mum and Dad smile they're eyes look sad, and even if he did see it, he wouldn't understand why.
There was a brief moment of silence. Then, "JOEY! YOU'RE NO FUN!"
"So go and entertain yourself!" I said, exasperated.
"But HOW?"
"I dunno! Go and...see how well you can make yourself look like Mum." It was a sarcastic suggestion, but Jake didn't catch on.
"With make up and heels and everything?"
I shook my head in disbelief. "If you like."
"Ok! Is there a time limit?"
"No."
"When I come back, you'll be calling me Mum!" he promised, jumping off my bed. "And maybe Dad will try and kiss me!!"
"Imagine that." I muttered as Jake left, firmly pushing the images to the back of my head. I really don't want to go down that road. It's bad enough that the scene replays itself in my dreams; I don't need it haunting my daytimes any more than it already does.
I have considered writing to an Agony Aunt or something, but with no way to describe what I saw, I never get very far. Sometimes it's even hard to write in my diary...
"Jake, what have you DONE??!!" I heard Mum shriek from next door.
I allowed myself a small smile before a tired looking Mum came in, dragging a heavily made up Jake behind her. How he managed to get lipstick up his arms I have no idea, but I'm guessing he must have broken just about every item in Mum's make up bag.
"Joey, what did you do?"
"Nothing!" I objected, "I was only joking, he's the one that decided to go and do it!"
Mum sighed. "You shouldn't put ideas in his head like that."
"Why not? It was a JOKE!"
"Just...don't, ok?"
And because I felt sad bad for Mum, I gave in and nodded. "Sorry." I muttered.
"Right, so we'll get you cleaned up little man and then we can all go and visit Nanna!"
"I'll stay here, if that's ok."
Mum looked surprised. "Well...if that's what you want to do...Are you working on a project for school?" she gestured towards this book on my lap.
"Yeah," I said quickly, jumping at the excuse, "Loads to do. It's really complicated."
"I'm sure Dad will be able to help out, if you get stuck."
"Hmmm..."
Despite the fact that she'd been smiling when she said about dad, she hadn't half looked bitter.
"Come on Jake, let's scrape that eye shadow off you..."
I had about 10 minutes peace after the door slammed before he-who-must-not-be-named decided to barge in on me. No, I'm talking about Lord Voldemort, idiot...
"Hi!" he said brightly, "Mum said you needed help with something."
"It's fine." I said crisply, looking past him. If there's one thing I've got good at over the past few weeks, it's giving people the cold shoulder.
"In that case we can go do something together! Hang out, go and do guy stuff!"
I pretended to think. "That depends."
"On what?"
I fixed him with a steady gaze. "Whether Tre's coming too."
Dad's face instantly fell. "We've talked about this..." he murmured softly.
"Yeah, we have."
"I thought we'd sorted it."
I rolled my eyes. "If you say so."
"What should we do then?"
I resisted the urge to scream. I hate it when he just changes the subject! Why doesn't he have the guts to talk stuff through??!!
"I dunno."
"It's your choice! We can do whatever you want!"
"I dunno."
Dad's eyes narrowed. "I bet I could whip your ass on Play Station."
My competitive and stubborn streaks had a brief battle for power over my attitude, with my strong competitive instincts coming out tops. Damn the genes I get from my dear father!!
"Dad, last time we played you spent about 15 minutes wondering which button 'X' was."
He grinned, clearly pleased that I'd dropped the argument. "I've been practicing!"
"No you haven't!" I argued, but I was already turning on the T.V and loading up whatever game was in there.
It was actually quite fun, even if it kills me to admit it. Dad still kept spazzing out when he didn't know what he had to press and it was really nice to insult him for it. It was just like old times, before all the complicated gay stuff got in the way.
"Dad?" I asked slowly whilst we waited for the next level to load.
"Yeah?"
"Have you...talked to Mum...?" I tried to sound casual, but it turned out more pleading.
"No," he said briskly.
"Why not?!"
"Because."
I sighed. "That not an argument. Or an excuse."
"Well...hey look! All loaded up now!"
I paused the screen and because dad is such a dunce, he couldn't un-freeze it, so he had to talk to me.
I tried to use the voice Mum puts on when she asks/orders me to tidy my room. "You've got to say something."
"No I don't," he snapped, folding his arms like a sulky toddler, "I don't 'got' to do anything."
"Right, so you're happy living a lie?"
"I'm not 'living a lie'. Jesus, you're so dramatic..."
I rolled my eyes. "Dad, I walked in on you having gay sex with your best friend and you're seriously telling me that being married to a woman at the same time is perfectly normal?"
"Well...no, but-"
"No. My point exactly."
He sniffed. "How do you expect me to bring it up? Slip it into awkward conversation? Oh yeah Adi, the weather's lovely and me and Tre are going to be bum-"
I hurriedly interrupted him before he could finish that sentence. "Just...you know...tell her you're not happy."
"She knows! Hell, the only reason we still live under the same roof is so that you and Jake get a bit stability!"
"To be honest I'd rather you got divorced than lied to each other all the time."
Dad sighed. "Love's such a fucked up emotion. You wouldn't understand, but once you start loving someone you don't just stop. They're always there with you, and if you're unhappy it hurts...You cannot imagine how much it hurts..."
"But," I ventured, "If you love Mum, why don't you let her go and then she can find the love she deserves..."
"No," he mumbled, "No one's ever gunna be good enough for her...I was a dick for thinking I could be..."
Not liking the way the conversation was going, I tried to pick it up a bit. "Let's play a different-"
"You know what though? You're totally right. I've gotta tell her. Tonight."
"That's what I mean, you need to...-wait, WHAT?!"
Dad seemed to have gone into a daze. "Yeah... Tell her tonight... sooner the better..."
Sure, I wanted him to talk to Mum but...tonight seemed very definite. Like the make or break situation, the ultimate end...
"Don't you think you'd better-"
"I'm really glad we had this talk, Joey." he smiled and hugged me tightly. "You're such a great kid, I've put you through so much...but it doesn't matter. I'm sorting it out now. You've put me straight."
If only...
"But Dad..." I opened and closed my mouth a few times, completely lost at what to say.
"Thanks Joseph...I love you. Loads." He kissed my forehead, stood up and left, leaving me doing my goldfish impression.
Damn me and my stupid conscience! I just HAD to go and force Dad into taking action, didn't I?? And now I've got the distinct impression I just set myself up for more heartache...
Whoop whoop! Go Jo!
As I fell asleep that night, I pretended I couldn't hear the shouting drifting up from beneath my floor. Somehow, I managed to kid myself that it was laughter and we were all sitting on a beach together- a proper happy family. Dad was teaching me to float on the waves whilst Mum sat with Jake, helping him with his sandcastle and collecting shells to decorate it with...
Is it a memory, dream or just wishful thinking?
Someone shook me back into the real world, and I grudgingly returned there.
"Joey! Wake up!"
"Huhmmm...?"
"Get out of bed and pack."
"What?" I mumbled.
"Just do it!"
I squinted over in the direction of my alarm clock. "Dad, it's 2:34 am! Why are we packing?!"
"Er...surprise holiday!"
My heart skipped. A holiday...to the beach? Maybe it was a premonition!
A yawn burst forth at that moment, so I couldn't question him.
Dad dashed out again whilst I stumbled around my room, throwing stuff into my school rucksack. I didn't need much; a few clothes, my well-thumbed copy of Harry Potter, this book and Sooty.
Yeah, you can laugh. I'm an eleven-year-old boy that still has a teddy. Think I don't know how ridiculous it is?!
Dad burst in again, looking slightly wild.
"Ready?" Maybe if it wasn't so dark, I would've noticed the excitement he showed was fake.
"Uhm..." I mumbled, nodding and dragging my bag towards him.
"Good boy! Let's get going!"
He took my rucksack and practically ran down the stairs and out of the front door. I followed him and sat in the car, trying to work out why something didn't feel right...
"Where are Mum and Jake?" I asked slowly.
"Oh...They...already left," Dad said, quickly pulling out of the drive and speeding away from the house.
I frowned. "But we all fit in this car fine."
"Mum and Jake got the bags."
"But...this car's bigger than the other one, why didn't they take this one?"
"They just didn't."
"But why?"
"Just...because!" Dad snapped and under the orange light of the streetlamps I noticed his knuckles where white on the steering wheel and the tear trails that ran down his cheeks.
"Dad?" I choked out eventually. "We're not going on holiday are we?"
He didn't answer, so I continued. "On holiday you come back...but this holidays permanent, isn't it? And...Mum and Jake aren't coming."
Dad sniffed, hard. "I don't know. Joey, I just...don't know."
I swallowed. "Ok then."
"I'm sorry Joey, I'm so sorry..."
"It's ok," I lied, turning away from him and pressing my forehead against the cold glass window.
I hoped he didn't see me crying. I wanted to be the great, strong kid that he'd said I was, rather than the small, desperate boy that I knew I was.
Maybe he'd think my eyes only watered because I was tired...
It was easier to pretend than I'd thought it would be. If I ignored Dad and barely spoke to Mum, I wouldn't feel guilty for either of them and life would just...go on.
I consequently spend my whole days locked away in my room and that makes things even easier because I don't have to talk to anyone at all!! Apart from a certain annoying younger brother that can't read 'Do not disturb' door signs.
"Jo-ey," Jakob moaned for about the 100th time. "I'm booored..."
"So go play with Dad," I snapped irritably, barely looking up from this diary. I've decided that writing it all down will help me sort my thoughts out, so far...it hasn't done too great a job... but I'm hoping things will get easier with time.
Jake sighed. "Dad's 'creating'."
"I'll bet he is."
"What's the matter, Joey? You've gone really weird!"
I shrugged but didn't say anything.
"Tell me," he pleaded. "I don't like it when you're all moody and quiet."
"I don't like it when you're bugging me," I retaliated.
"I'm not! I'm just asking if you're OK!"
"Stop 'just asking' me then!"
Jake stuck his tongue out. "Make me."
With a sigh, I tried to get back to my writing. I think the hardest thing for me is keeping these things from Jakob. He's too young to see that when Mum and Dad smile they're eyes look sad, and even if he did see it, he wouldn't understand why.
There was a brief moment of silence. Then, "JOEY! YOU'RE NO FUN!"
"So go and entertain yourself!" I said, exasperated.
"But HOW?"
"I dunno! Go and...see how well you can make yourself look like Mum." It was a sarcastic suggestion, but Jake didn't catch on.
"With make up and heels and everything?"
I shook my head in disbelief. "If you like."
"Ok! Is there a time limit?"
"No."
"When I come back, you'll be calling me Mum!" he promised, jumping off my bed. "And maybe Dad will try and kiss me!!"
"Imagine that." I muttered as Jake left, firmly pushing the images to the back of my head. I really don't want to go down that road. It's bad enough that the scene replays itself in my dreams; I don't need it haunting my daytimes any more than it already does.
I have considered writing to an Agony Aunt or something, but with no way to describe what I saw, I never get very far. Sometimes it's even hard to write in my diary...
"Jake, what have you DONE??!!" I heard Mum shriek from next door.
I allowed myself a small smile before a tired looking Mum came in, dragging a heavily made up Jake behind her. How he managed to get lipstick up his arms I have no idea, but I'm guessing he must have broken just about every item in Mum's make up bag.
"Joey, what did you do?"
"Nothing!" I objected, "I was only joking, he's the one that decided to go and do it!"
Mum sighed. "You shouldn't put ideas in his head like that."
"Why not? It was a JOKE!"
"Just...don't, ok?"
And because I felt sad bad for Mum, I gave in and nodded. "Sorry." I muttered.
"Right, so we'll get you cleaned up little man and then we can all go and visit Nanna!"
"I'll stay here, if that's ok."
Mum looked surprised. "Well...if that's what you want to do...Are you working on a project for school?" she gestured towards this book on my lap.
"Yeah," I said quickly, jumping at the excuse, "Loads to do. It's really complicated."
"I'm sure Dad will be able to help out, if you get stuck."
"Hmmm..."
Despite the fact that she'd been smiling when she said about dad, she hadn't half looked bitter.
"Come on Jake, let's scrape that eye shadow off you..."
I had about 10 minutes peace after the door slammed before he-who-must-not-be-named decided to barge in on me. No, I'm talking about Lord Voldemort, idiot...
"Hi!" he said brightly, "Mum said you needed help with something."
"It's fine." I said crisply, looking past him. If there's one thing I've got good at over the past few weeks, it's giving people the cold shoulder.
"In that case we can go do something together! Hang out, go and do guy stuff!"
I pretended to think. "That depends."
"On what?"
I fixed him with a steady gaze. "Whether Tre's coming too."
Dad's face instantly fell. "We've talked about this..." he murmured softly.
"Yeah, we have."
"I thought we'd sorted it."
I rolled my eyes. "If you say so."
"What should we do then?"
I resisted the urge to scream. I hate it when he just changes the subject! Why doesn't he have the guts to talk stuff through??!!
"I dunno."
"It's your choice! We can do whatever you want!"
"I dunno."
Dad's eyes narrowed. "I bet I could whip your ass on Play Station."
My competitive and stubborn streaks had a brief battle for power over my attitude, with my strong competitive instincts coming out tops. Damn the genes I get from my dear father!!
"Dad, last time we played you spent about 15 minutes wondering which button 'X' was."
He grinned, clearly pleased that I'd dropped the argument. "I've been practicing!"
"No you haven't!" I argued, but I was already turning on the T.V and loading up whatever game was in there.
It was actually quite fun, even if it kills me to admit it. Dad still kept spazzing out when he didn't know what he had to press and it was really nice to insult him for it. It was just like old times, before all the complicated gay stuff got in the way.
"Dad?" I asked slowly whilst we waited for the next level to load.
"Yeah?"
"Have you...talked to Mum...?" I tried to sound casual, but it turned out more pleading.
"No," he said briskly.
"Why not?!"
"Because."
I sighed. "That not an argument. Or an excuse."
"Well...hey look! All loaded up now!"
I paused the screen and because dad is such a dunce, he couldn't un-freeze it, so he had to talk to me.
I tried to use the voice Mum puts on when she asks/orders me to tidy my room. "You've got to say something."
"No I don't," he snapped, folding his arms like a sulky toddler, "I don't 'got' to do anything."
"Right, so you're happy living a lie?"
"I'm not 'living a lie'. Jesus, you're so dramatic..."
I rolled my eyes. "Dad, I walked in on you having gay sex with your best friend and you're seriously telling me that being married to a woman at the same time is perfectly normal?"
"Well...no, but-"
"No. My point exactly."
He sniffed. "How do you expect me to bring it up? Slip it into awkward conversation? Oh yeah Adi, the weather's lovely and me and Tre are going to be bum-"
I hurriedly interrupted him before he could finish that sentence. "Just...you know...tell her you're not happy."
"She knows! Hell, the only reason we still live under the same roof is so that you and Jake get a bit stability!"
"To be honest I'd rather you got divorced than lied to each other all the time."
Dad sighed. "Love's such a fucked up emotion. You wouldn't understand, but once you start loving someone you don't just stop. They're always there with you, and if you're unhappy it hurts...You cannot imagine how much it hurts..."
"But," I ventured, "If you love Mum, why don't you let her go and then she can find the love she deserves..."
"No," he mumbled, "No one's ever gunna be good enough for her...I was a dick for thinking I could be..."
Not liking the way the conversation was going, I tried to pick it up a bit. "Let's play a different-"
"You know what though? You're totally right. I've gotta tell her. Tonight."
"That's what I mean, you need to...-wait, WHAT?!"
Dad seemed to have gone into a daze. "Yeah... Tell her tonight... sooner the better..."
Sure, I wanted him to talk to Mum but...tonight seemed very definite. Like the make or break situation, the ultimate end...
"Don't you think you'd better-"
"I'm really glad we had this talk, Joey." he smiled and hugged me tightly. "You're such a great kid, I've put you through so much...but it doesn't matter. I'm sorting it out now. You've put me straight."
If only...
"But Dad..." I opened and closed my mouth a few times, completely lost at what to say.
"Thanks Joseph...I love you. Loads." He kissed my forehead, stood up and left, leaving me doing my goldfish impression.
Damn me and my stupid conscience! I just HAD to go and force Dad into taking action, didn't I?? And now I've got the distinct impression I just set myself up for more heartache...
Whoop whoop! Go Jo!
As I fell asleep that night, I pretended I couldn't hear the shouting drifting up from beneath my floor. Somehow, I managed to kid myself that it was laughter and we were all sitting on a beach together- a proper happy family. Dad was teaching me to float on the waves whilst Mum sat with Jake, helping him with his sandcastle and collecting shells to decorate it with...
Is it a memory, dream or just wishful thinking?
Someone shook me back into the real world, and I grudgingly returned there.
"Joey! Wake up!"
"Huhmmm...?"
"Get out of bed and pack."
"What?" I mumbled.
"Just do it!"
I squinted over in the direction of my alarm clock. "Dad, it's 2:34 am! Why are we packing?!"
"Er...surprise holiday!"
My heart skipped. A holiday...to the beach? Maybe it was a premonition!
A yawn burst forth at that moment, so I couldn't question him.
Dad dashed out again whilst I stumbled around my room, throwing stuff into my school rucksack. I didn't need much; a few clothes, my well-thumbed copy of Harry Potter, this book and Sooty.
Yeah, you can laugh. I'm an eleven-year-old boy that still has a teddy. Think I don't know how ridiculous it is?!
Dad burst in again, looking slightly wild.
"Ready?" Maybe if it wasn't so dark, I would've noticed the excitement he showed was fake.
"Uhm..." I mumbled, nodding and dragging my bag towards him.
"Good boy! Let's get going!"
He took my rucksack and practically ran down the stairs and out of the front door. I followed him and sat in the car, trying to work out why something didn't feel right...
"Where are Mum and Jake?" I asked slowly.
"Oh...They...already left," Dad said, quickly pulling out of the drive and speeding away from the house.
I frowned. "But we all fit in this car fine."
"Mum and Jake got the bags."
"But...this car's bigger than the other one, why didn't they take this one?"
"They just didn't."
"But why?"
"Just...because!" Dad snapped and under the orange light of the streetlamps I noticed his knuckles where white on the steering wheel and the tear trails that ran down his cheeks.
"Dad?" I choked out eventually. "We're not going on holiday are we?"
He didn't answer, so I continued. "On holiday you come back...but this holidays permanent, isn't it? And...Mum and Jake aren't coming."
Dad sniffed, hard. "I don't know. Joey, I just...don't know."
I swallowed. "Ok then."
"I'm sorry Joey, I'm so sorry..."
"It's ok," I lied, turning away from him and pressing my forehead against the cold glass window.
I hoped he didn't see me crying. I wanted to be the great, strong kid that he'd said I was, rather than the small, desperate boy that I knew I was.
Maybe he'd think my eyes only watered because I was tired...
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