My Only Refuge: The Life I Have and the Life I Want. Well, Here It Is!, chapter 4
Mara opened her eyes. She had heard Billie Joe playing his guitar and singing a new song. She hadn't heard the lyrics properly, but the tune was stuck in her head. It was sort of haunting... it strangely reminded her of the tracks, her special place. But soon tiredness got the better of her and she fell asleep.
**
It was Christmas day, 1987. Mara woke up to the excited shrieks of Billie Joe's little brother and sister who were running around the house like crazy. Billie's mom, Ollie sleepily came into the living room and said to Mara "Hey, Hun, merry Christmas!" then Billie Joe came into the room and sat on Mara, who was still lying on the sofa.
"Umpfh!" she grunted.
"Thanks for the present, Mars! It rocked!" said Billie Joe. She had given him a Ramones t-shirt.
Mara saw a pile of presents next to her. She grinned. It was the first time in her life she had gotten real Christmas presents. She picked up Billie Joe's.
"I kinda lashed out, I hope you like it," said Billie Joe and got off her.
Mara sat up and opened the present. She screamed and jumped up. She hugged Billie Joe and said "YES! YOU ROCK! I LOVE IT!" it was a new skateboard. Exactly what she wanted! It had the anarchy "A" on the bottom and said "The Sex Pistols" underneath it. Mara was stoked.
**
That day Mara and Billie went to the tracks again.
"Wow," Mara said to Billie, "life is so awesome living with you; it's hard to believe how shitty it was when I lived with my mom,"
Billie Joe smiled and looked at the ground. He sat in silence for a few minutes, then stood up. "We better be getting home. Mom will want us to be there for dinner."
Billie Joe was about to open the front door when he saw something fall in front of him. It was a small leaf. Mara had noticed it too and they both looked up. "Look, mistletoe," said Billie Joe.
"Ah, what the hell... "
**
Almost a year had past since the day Mara and Billie had kissed under the mistletoe. Mara and Billie had both since celebrated their 16th birthdays; Mara's being exactly one month after Billie Joe's. Everything had been going great; the Sweet Children had started playing regularly at the Gilman, Mara and Billie Joe had been going out for 9 months, but yet again Mara had slipped into depression. Deep, dark and self-absorbed. The dark cloud was above her again, and each day Mara felt more of a desire to cut...
One day Mara went to the tracks alone. She sat there and turned a razor blade over and over in her hands, wondering wether she should...
Drip. A bright spot of blood joined the dark ones on the metal track. Drip. Drip. Mara's salty tears stung as they fell onto the fresh cuts she had made on her wrist. She dragged the blade along her skin. With each drop of blood more emotional pain escaped her. With each tear that fell a memory was forgotten. The years of abuse erased themselves from her memory as she bled. If words were knives, there would have been a thousand cuts on Mara's soul. She remembered all the times her mother had called her a whore. She remembered every time the jocks and cheerleaders had told her she was unwanted. Mara started to feel dizzy. Yes, she was losing a lot of blood. Soon it would all be over...
"MARA!"
**
Billie Joe arrived just in time. He found Mara lying by the tracks, her wrist covered in blood. He didn't know what to do. He wrapped his jacket around Mara's wrist to stop the bleeding. His breath started becoming faster and shallower. He couldn't breath! "Calm down, she will die if you lose it now!" he told himself. Oh god, he was having another panic attack. "No, no, not now!" finally he controlled his breathing and checked Mara's pulse. He could feel a faint beat. Billie Joe picked Mara up and set off towards home. The next hour or so was a blur but the next thing he knew he was anxiously pacing up and down in the ER waiting room.
**
Mara opened her eyes. Was she dreaming? This place seemed familiar... She was in the emergency room again. But this time there was someone standing next to her bed. Billie Joe.
"Oh, thank god!" he said, 'what the fuck were you doing? You... why didn't you say anything... "
Mara closed her eyes. She didn't know why she hadn't told Billie Joe that her depression had returned. She had always been able to tell Billie everything... but... there was one thing she hadn't told him. There was one thing she hadn't been entirely truthful about. When she told Billie Joe about the scars in her wrists so long ago she didn't tell him about Christie.
**
It was Christmas day, 1987. Mara woke up to the excited shrieks of Billie Joe's little brother and sister who were running around the house like crazy. Billie's mom, Ollie sleepily came into the living room and said to Mara "Hey, Hun, merry Christmas!" then Billie Joe came into the room and sat on Mara, who was still lying on the sofa.
"Umpfh!" she grunted.
"Thanks for the present, Mars! It rocked!" said Billie Joe. She had given him a Ramones t-shirt.
Mara saw a pile of presents next to her. She grinned. It was the first time in her life she had gotten real Christmas presents. She picked up Billie Joe's.
"I kinda lashed out, I hope you like it," said Billie Joe and got off her.
Mara sat up and opened the present. She screamed and jumped up. She hugged Billie Joe and said "YES! YOU ROCK! I LOVE IT!" it was a new skateboard. Exactly what she wanted! It had the anarchy "A" on the bottom and said "The Sex Pistols" underneath it. Mara was stoked.
**
That day Mara and Billie went to the tracks again.
"Wow," Mara said to Billie, "life is so awesome living with you; it's hard to believe how shitty it was when I lived with my mom,"
Billie Joe smiled and looked at the ground. He sat in silence for a few minutes, then stood up. "We better be getting home. Mom will want us to be there for dinner."
Billie Joe was about to open the front door when he saw something fall in front of him. It was a small leaf. Mara had noticed it too and they both looked up. "Look, mistletoe," said Billie Joe.
"Ah, what the hell... "
**
Almost a year had past since the day Mara and Billie had kissed under the mistletoe. Mara and Billie had both since celebrated their 16th birthdays; Mara's being exactly one month after Billie Joe's. Everything had been going great; the Sweet Children had started playing regularly at the Gilman, Mara and Billie Joe had been going out for 9 months, but yet again Mara had slipped into depression. Deep, dark and self-absorbed. The dark cloud was above her again, and each day Mara felt more of a desire to cut...
One day Mara went to the tracks alone. She sat there and turned a razor blade over and over in her hands, wondering wether she should...
Drip. A bright spot of blood joined the dark ones on the metal track. Drip. Drip. Mara's salty tears stung as they fell onto the fresh cuts she had made on her wrist. She dragged the blade along her skin. With each drop of blood more emotional pain escaped her. With each tear that fell a memory was forgotten. The years of abuse erased themselves from her memory as she bled. If words were knives, there would have been a thousand cuts on Mara's soul. She remembered all the times her mother had called her a whore. She remembered every time the jocks and cheerleaders had told her she was unwanted. Mara started to feel dizzy. Yes, she was losing a lot of blood. Soon it would all be over...
"MARA!"
**
Billie Joe arrived just in time. He found Mara lying by the tracks, her wrist covered in blood. He didn't know what to do. He wrapped his jacket around Mara's wrist to stop the bleeding. His breath started becoming faster and shallower. He couldn't breath! "Calm down, she will die if you lose it now!" he told himself. Oh god, he was having another panic attack. "No, no, not now!" finally he controlled his breathing and checked Mara's pulse. He could feel a faint beat. Billie Joe picked Mara up and set off towards home. The next hour or so was a blur but the next thing he knew he was anxiously pacing up and down in the ER waiting room.
**
Mara opened her eyes. Was she dreaming? This place seemed familiar... She was in the emergency room again. But this time there was someone standing next to her bed. Billie Joe.
"Oh, thank god!" he said, 'what the fuck were you doing? You... why didn't you say anything... "
Mara closed her eyes. She didn't know why she hadn't told Billie Joe that her depression had returned. She had always been able to tell Billie everything... but... there was one thing she hadn't told him. There was one thing she hadn't been entirely truthful about. When she told Billie Joe about the scars in her wrists so long ago she didn't tell him about Christie.
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