uVaLa WhO

well theres not much about me...im human i live and i breathe much like you and i write, alot.how ever unlike most of you i dont approve of love at leats i didnt for a long time the following is an excerpt from one of my many journals and my old yet not so distant feelings on love....read what you will think what you will this is me......
i realy cant believe how much time i waist missing him.in all reality its rather pathetic.i tell myself this but nothing changes and at times i miss him more.i mostly dont like these feelings because i fear he doesnt feel the same. i dont want to like him because im terrified of love.when you love some oneyou suddenly enter this horrible world where people can suddenly see all your fears and anything else they can hold asgainst you. you are now more vulnerable than ever before.true, this is just me blabbering cheap second rate philosophy from an extremely pestimistic point of view when i have no room or reason to speak on being as i have never realy been in love. further more my intake on love is rather well warped.the most horrible part is while you may be in love and have entered this whole new world and demension there is this horrible chance that you are the only one there and what you are feeling and think to know is nothing more than a cruel demented illusion. true you may love some one but they may not love you. then this wonderfull world you've been creating collides with reality and it becoms a sickening black whole that has no bottom and no top.then your punging to the bottom yet some how desperately trying to claw your way back out for the rest of your life. you will never reach reality though you may think you have:in your desperate attempt to get back to earth and find even ground zero you create a new illusion which is now more of a delusion. you create your own world where you think everything is fine and you think you have rejoined the other 12 billion disgusting creatures we call humans.but you havent.you created your little world with the little bit of survival instinct that you still possessed.BECAUSE IN THIS WORLD YOU CAN PRETEND AND MAKE EXCUSES WITH OUT EVER FACING THE REALITY THAT YOU ARE INFACT ALONE. you lie to your self and put on a pathetic facade that says they love me, IM STUPID FOR NOT SEEING IT.or the ever so popular they love me IM THE INCOMPITENT ONE FOR NOT FEELING IT.or some how deep down knowing THEYLL SOMEDAY SOME HOW FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY ARE MISSING.....the problem is your still inlove with some one from 20 yrs ago not the twacked out junkie before you today. SEE? love is warped. love is demented. while it is the greatest thing known to our pathetic race it is the greatest flaw in our genetic design. the thing you may fail to see is all people, good-evil,rich-poor,smart-dumb, areself preserving. when the junkie comes back to you its for your couch because they need a place to crash or barrow money for rent which is code fortheyre next fix. when they touch you you may shiver all over from past emotions,thoughts, feelings. and you feel all is right theyre fucking me because they love me......NO! wrong again my friend,they just want some one they can fuck and pass the latest AIDS mutation to.


to be continued....