Confidence.

They say that everyone is good at something. This is very likely to be true. After all, I'm not the smartest person alive but I'm pretty damn good at writing. I am awful at drawing, but I can play three instruments. I am comfortable writing and playing music. It's what I do. My friend, who is an amazing artist and takes lessons in an art studio, says that a real craftsman (or woman) is never truly satisfied with himself. I disagree.

But this leads to a very important question. How much of our talents, our skill is proportional to the confidence we have in ourselves? Can we truly be good at something if we do not believe we can be? Or does confidence have nothing to do with it at all?

My curiosity began last week. I've been taking vocal lessons for about a year now. My voice started out very shaky, very small. According to my teacher, I wasn't letting my voice out. When I have to sing quickly, my voice quickly drops in volume. When I am not sure of the notes, I sing softly and shaky. Recently, I started a very difficult lesson. It involves...well, I'm not sure what the word is in English. But you hit the note and kind of blend it/shake it with the next/previous note. I cannot do this. I have a good amount of difficulty.

I try to avoid it. I keep telling my teacher I can't. Today, my voice became shaky and small again. I was on the verge of tears. It got me thinking. I began to wonder if I can't do it because I think I can't.

For a very very long time, I have been told that my voice was not good enough. That I could not sing. I was rejected from the choir every year of elementary school. When you're 8 years old and all you want to do is sing, that really hurts. But I began to accept that I was simply not a singer. I took up piano, enamored after I heard my friend play. And I stopped listening to the radio. I started listening later, but that's different.

My voice has been shaky. I do not believe I can sing on my own. I will sing loudly with my CDs, I can harmonize fairly well. But I cannot sing alone. I do not know if I am scared or I know that I just don't sound good. But I have a hunch that it is because I am not confident. My friend in school tells me my voice is nasaly.

My brother makes fun of my singing. And I still hear my third grade classmates mocking me because I didn't make it into "Special Choir". I will not hide the fact that I have wanted to sing for practically forever. This is why I take lessons. There's a song I once heard that struck a chord with me.

Sing me something soft,sad and delicate
Or loud and out of key, sing me anything.
Sing like you think no one's listening.
You would kill for this, just a little bit.
You would, you would


I would.

But my own insecurities about my voice are starting to dominate. So I close this blong with a question: Hypothetically, if I manage to raise my confidence, can I sing loudly and clearly?
Posted on May 2nd, 2007 at 10:23am

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