Current mood: scared

Life in general is not very fun lately.

Some days I wish I had never moved back to the United States. It's when my life started its long spiral to chaos. I had no friends. I had no life. All I had were memories.

Now I'm here and high school is about to end. I'm scared. I'll admit it.

I sometimes wish life would go back to how it was. I used to care about school and grades; I used to have motivation. Now I don't do anything but get high. I just want to forget everything. I'm so far gone off the path I was once on that I don't know if I can ever get back.

So here I am, standing in the tangled overgrowth with nothing, not even hope.

Where did that innocent girl, so full of life, love and happiness, go? I miss her. She used to know where her life was going. She used to make good decisions. She had things under control.

I'm stuck now. Stuck in a place with nowhere to go. I wish I had never moved here. I wish I had never started smoking. I wish I had never gotten involved with drugs.

But most of all, I wish I had never fallen in love.

Because now I know how ugly the world can be, and is. People are what this world would be better off without. Because people are what make this world such an ugly place. Especially teachers that lie to your parents.

What could be uglier than a lie?

I'll admit I have lied in the past, and I will probably continue to lie. But my lies do not affect someone else's life in a big way. They don't make your parents doubt you. All I wanted to do was please my parents when I was younger. All I wanted was for them to love me.

But now I am pushing everyone I care for away from me. I don't want to let anyone in. It scares me, because in the past all it has done is hurt me. I let someone in and they broke my heart. Falling in love once is enough to last me a lifetime.

I don't ever want to fall in love again.

I realised today that the reason my life is falling apart is because I let it. I dropped the ball. I don't step up to the plate when I need to the most. I have an excuse for everything. Everything can wait until later. I want to change, but I have no idea where to start.

I'm about to crack and I know it. I'm not even sure I can graduate at this point. I'm throwing away my future.

I'm stuck.

I want to go back. I want to go back to when things were simple and easy. I want to go back and become that girl I once was. I was so in love with life and living; so in love with the way things were going. I had friends that cared and were always there for me. Now I don't even have them. I feel like I don't have anyone.

And at school all I hear is negativity. No one believes I can pull up my grades in time. People have thrown food at me saying that I need to eat. They look at me with disgust at smoking weed everyday. The past month or so is all one blur. I can barely remember anything.

Fuck this.

I'll show everyone I'm not a failure. I'll show my parents I will pull through. I'll show those people that think I'll fail out of college and have to marry for money. You know who you are. I'm going to show the world who I am and how successful I will become. I will.

I will not crack under all the pressure bearing down upon my shoulders.

I will not fail high school.

I am going to make it.

I am going to succeed.

Watch me.

Posted on May 16th, 2007 at 03:27pm


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