Cancer
So, I'll bet you guys have heard of this disease from SOMEWHERE. You know, charity funds, Billie's dad, maybe even through a friend or relative. And you guys probably know what it does, slowly kill the individual who has the disease through infected cells. It's a very painful and slow death, but in all honesty, no one can understand the effects of the disease without knowing someone who has it.
I'm not trying to make a sob story, here. I'm trying to inform people through my own experiences, that maybe someone might get something out of it. If there's anything I could NEVER stand, it would be complaining about myself and, in general, acting like a martyr. I'm no emo, people. See, I know the effects of cancer to their FULLEST. My dad was diagnosed with cancer four years ago, and life in my home has never been the same. Essentially, it screwed with everyone in my family. My mom turned into a control freak around the house, most likely stemming from her inability to control all the chaos going on at home, my grandma found another way to pity herself, and that's only WHAT I KNOW.
I live a double life, you could say. Most people who know me on here think I'm really spontaneous and funny, the Caption Contest Master, I guess. XD I used to be carefree like that in my regular life, but ever since my dad was diagnosed I changed. I suddenly developed all these strange phobias; I don't know the technical terms, but I developed intense fear of needles and any bug with a stinger, heights, and tornadoes. I live in California. We don't get tornadoes. I'm scared to death of them and have recurrent nightmares about them. I'm deathly afraid of the dark and I feel like someone's out to kill me every night and I freak out at the mere sound of my cat tiptoeing in the halls. I freak out when I see cars stop near our neighborhood and I don't know who they are. I have a pretty bad social phobia, I'm incredibly worried that I'll say something and people will shun me. I used to have panic attacks over really small things. I turned into a perfectionist. If I make a mistake in a sport, even though I did fantastic, I belittle myself to the point where I have ZERO self-confidence. Oh, yeah, I usually have very little self-confidence. I only get good grades so my parents will be proud of me so I can relive their stress.
Except for the perfectionist bit, which I already explained, most of my problems are linked to one thing: Fear of the unknown. I had none of that before my dad was diagnosed, and a year after he was, all that shit started popping up. All those things I'm afraid of... well, didn't you notice they have SOME link to pain, risks, or possible death? I'm afraid of life because I'm afraid of death.
No one in my family or my friends know this. They all think I'm fine, but I can honestly say that I can really be a basket case if I were to not control all those emotions. I have to stay strong for my family. Cancer is related to stress - stress can actually give the cancer an advantage because one's mental barriers are weakening. The cure to cancer, it's all the mentality I'm telling you. My dad was supposed to die two years ago, and he's managed so far. Imagine if I just said, "fuck it! I can't take it anymore," and just let my fears and emotions get the better of me. I'd probably fail school, lose what friends I have, and I would cause tension in my family. My dad has enough stress in his life, that would burden him tenfold.
But this kind of stuff... you know, people who have cancer or have close relatives with cancer deal with this, it's not just me. Or any disease, really. It's awful, watching my dad, who was an athlete and very active man, get to the point when it pains him to walk and he's constantly hunched over. It pains me to see when he wants to help and tires himself out. It pains me to see him in pain. That's the worst part about these diseases. It's not so much death itself, but everything leading up to it. As selfish as this sounds, I'd rather just let the disease take its course so my dad doesn't have to suffer. It's painful enough for my family to watch our most important person die, I can't even imagine what it must be like for my dad to accept leaving HIS most important people!
I wanted to bring it up because there's so much more we could be doing. I mean, we'll turn on the television and see an ad for something about cancer, and we'll watch it. Afterwards, we say, "Aw, poor guys" and change the channel. Why? Because it doesn't pertain to our own lives. What if you knew someone with a disease like that, and saw some program? I bet it would deeply move you that some people would CARE enough to try and get something started, and it would probably want to make you DO something about it. It's not just cancer, there's plenty of other horrible diseases out there, but so many people are just too self-absorbed or unaware to take notice.
My point: Be well read. Find out what's going on in the world, and find out ways to help. We can't all do things ourselves, we're gonna need some help from others, you know. I know I got a little carried away, because something just popped up with my grandpa getting cancer, and I'm on a roll, you could say. I guess I wrote this as much for you as for me.
I'm not trying to make a sob story, here. I'm trying to inform people through my own experiences, that maybe someone might get something out of it. If there's anything I could NEVER stand, it would be complaining about myself and, in general, acting like a martyr. I'm no emo, people. See, I know the effects of cancer to their FULLEST. My dad was diagnosed with cancer four years ago, and life in my home has never been the same. Essentially, it screwed with everyone in my family. My mom turned into a control freak around the house, most likely stemming from her inability to control all the chaos going on at home, my grandma found another way to pity herself, and that's only WHAT I KNOW.
I live a double life, you could say. Most people who know me on here think I'm really spontaneous and funny, the Caption Contest Master, I guess. XD I used to be carefree like that in my regular life, but ever since my dad was diagnosed I changed. I suddenly developed all these strange phobias; I don't know the technical terms, but I developed intense fear of needles and any bug with a stinger, heights, and tornadoes. I live in California. We don't get tornadoes. I'm scared to death of them and have recurrent nightmares about them. I'm deathly afraid of the dark and I feel like someone's out to kill me every night and I freak out at the mere sound of my cat tiptoeing in the halls. I freak out when I see cars stop near our neighborhood and I don't know who they are. I have a pretty bad social phobia, I'm incredibly worried that I'll say something and people will shun me. I used to have panic attacks over really small things. I turned into a perfectionist. If I make a mistake in a sport, even though I did fantastic, I belittle myself to the point where I have ZERO self-confidence. Oh, yeah, I usually have very little self-confidence. I only get good grades so my parents will be proud of me so I can relive their stress.
Except for the perfectionist bit, which I already explained, most of my problems are linked to one thing: Fear of the unknown. I had none of that before my dad was diagnosed, and a year after he was, all that shit started popping up. All those things I'm afraid of... well, didn't you notice they have SOME link to pain, risks, or possible death? I'm afraid of life because I'm afraid of death.
No one in my family or my friends know this. They all think I'm fine, but I can honestly say that I can really be a basket case if I were to not control all those emotions. I have to stay strong for my family. Cancer is related to stress - stress can actually give the cancer an advantage because one's mental barriers are weakening. The cure to cancer, it's all the mentality I'm telling you. My dad was supposed to die two years ago, and he's managed so far. Imagine if I just said, "fuck it! I can't take it anymore," and just let my fears and emotions get the better of me. I'd probably fail school, lose what friends I have, and I would cause tension in my family. My dad has enough stress in his life, that would burden him tenfold.
But this kind of stuff... you know, people who have cancer or have close relatives with cancer deal with this, it's not just me. Or any disease, really. It's awful, watching my dad, who was an athlete and very active man, get to the point when it pains him to walk and he's constantly hunched over. It pains me to see when he wants to help and tires himself out. It pains me to see him in pain. That's the worst part about these diseases. It's not so much death itself, but everything leading up to it. As selfish as this sounds, I'd rather just let the disease take its course so my dad doesn't have to suffer. It's painful enough for my family to watch our most important person die, I can't even imagine what it must be like for my dad to accept leaving HIS most important people!
I wanted to bring it up because there's so much more we could be doing. I mean, we'll turn on the television and see an ad for something about cancer, and we'll watch it. Afterwards, we say, "Aw, poor guys" and change the channel. Why? Because it doesn't pertain to our own lives. What if you knew someone with a disease like that, and saw some program? I bet it would deeply move you that some people would CARE enough to try and get something started, and it would probably want to make you DO something about it. It's not just cancer, there's plenty of other horrible diseases out there, but so many people are just too self-absorbed or unaware to take notice.
My point: Be well read. Find out what's going on in the world, and find out ways to help. We can't all do things ourselves, we're gonna need some help from others, you know. I know I got a little carried away, because something just popped up with my grandpa getting cancer, and I'm on a roll, you could say. I guess I wrote this as much for you as for me.
I know you probably don't want sympathy.. but I'm really sorry about you having to see your dad in that condition. As selfish as it may be, I'd agree with you on sometimes wanting him to just.. go. It's not a surprise you'd think that way because I know that it's so hard to see people you love in pain. Hang in there. You're dad seems like a strong person to still be alive today.
threeam., February 4th, 2007 at 12:35:56pm
My grandfather had esophagus cancer. It was horrible. I was young and scared. No one ever held me and told me it would be okay. No one ever talked to me about it. I've never even told anyone that he had it. It was so scary. The hospitals. God all the doctors. If you ever need or want to talk, I'm here.
TMTCR, January 29th, 2007 at 06:45:23pm
I know you don't want a sob story anyway, but I wanted to say, I hope your dad can be strong and hold out as long as possible (without suffering tremendously just to do so) It's hard to lose the most important member of the family. My grandmother was the most important person in my family. She was the only one who had any sense of direction and what had to be done. She was the peacekeeper and everyone's caretaker pretty much. Then we lost her my senior year.
I understand how you feel. I had an aunt who had cervical cancer, she didn't last much longer than a year.
I didn't develop any fears or phobias of any sort until my mum herself, was told she had a (possible) cancerous tumour, or mass of some sort on her adrenal gland. Although it was a misdiagnosis and there was no tumour as later discovered, for the time we thought it was, I became paranoid. I regretted anytime I ever treated her badly and I was scared to death that something would happen to her before I could fix my mistakes and regardless of her problems and all the bad she'd ever done in her life, she is still mum.
I agree, people need to get up and do something. This ties into what I always say about people just sitting and complaining about the problems in the world, but they're too caught up in themselves to get up and have something done. It's just like, don't just talk about it, get up and do something.
It's wonderful to see people like you writing about how people oughta do something, about how you take notice of peoples' self-absorption.
Insurgentes, January 29th, 2007 at 12:51:39pm
That's one of the most sad things I've ever read. I hope ya dad will get stronger. Send him my luv
Shenanigan123, January 29th, 2007 at 01:10:51am