What's this doing to me?
It's the 25th. November the 25th. It would have been 10 months now. And look at me, see how helpless I am sitting here in this bed. No I don't want anyone's pity. Go away if it's only that that you have. I just need to write this down, or else I'm gonne explode inside.
As the tears run down my face I'm wondering how this could have happened. I'm asking myself why I have been this stupid. I'm asking myself why I haven't been more consistent. I'm asking myself why I was so blind, why I sacrificed everything so stupidly. The only reason I know is: it's what love does to us. It's what love did to me.
I've tried my best to "get over it". I went out, met friends, dated guys, but it only helps for a little while. As soon as I'm back in my room, all those thoughts in my mind come back. Every time I see him log into msn my heart is having a roller coaster ride. It starts beating really fast and my stomach gets sick.
And even in my dreams it is haunting me. I dream of driving to his town again. I dream that I am walking through the streets. And even at daytime I find myself recognize places from there in my own town. I walk through some streets and feel as if I am back at the place where I spent so many happy days with him.
You probably think I'm whiny and stupid and pathetic. But you can't feel what I feel. And to be honest, I dislike how whenever you talk about something that gets you down, people tell you you're "whiny" and "emo" and to "get over it" . I'm not emo or whiny, I'm hurt.
I just wanna live again. I've tried so hard. I don't want to feel this burden anymore. Every day I keep on wondering what he's doing when he's not on msn, if he maybe has a new girlfriend, even though he broke up with me for not wanting to be committed. What is he thinking about me now? I feel like I'm nothing special anymore. I'm just a random stupid girl to have some good sex with. Thats how I feel.
And I want to tell him so many things, I want to tell him how much this actually hurts, how much I have sacrificed for him, what I have gone through for him, but it wouldn't change or help anything. He doesn't know so many things. He doesn't know how much I've actually cried in the past weeks of our relationship. He doesn't even know that I had my one and only panic attack during that time. I should be pissed at him, but this whole year he was my world, he was everything to me. I would have done anything for him and what have I ever gotten back?
Yet I would love if we could go back to being best friends, like we used to be. I'm trying my best, but my heart doesn't let me. It hurts more than anything. Can you blame me?
To be honest, right now I could kick myself for letting this get me down that much. Where is the happy, always smiling sunshine girl Susi gone? Goddamnit, he's just a boy, I should move on! Why can't I????
I've never felt like this in my life before, and I'm scared I might not get it work again. Time heals all wounds but what if it rips open new wounds? I'm scared I won't find myself again. I'm out of ideas of what to do. It is so hard to just forget about it and move on.
I don't even want to know what it would be like if I wouldn't have the support of all my friends. Jen, you have absolutely no idea how much you always help me. I don't think anyone on the internet has ever been here that much for me, has ever cared that much about me. I wished I could do anything in return but nothing would be enough to thank for all that you have done for me. Every time I'm feeling down I read your letter. Your words cheer me up so much. I want to thank you for everything you have done for me. I love you so much. And please know that I'm always there for you.
Now I'm sitting here and I don't even know why I'm writing all this or what I am actually writing at all. I wonder if anything I wrote actually makes sense. Maybe it doesn't but nothing in my head seems to make sense lately.
Maybe you should just ignore this blog, it's none of those "great, amazing, oh my god, best blogger" blogs. It's not meant to be that anyways. It's a cry for help.
Now I rest my head from
Such an endless dreary time
A time of hopes and happiness
That had you on my mind
Those days are gone and now it seems
As if I'll get some rest
But now and then I'll see you again
And it puts my heart to test
So when are all my problems
Going to end?
I'm understanding now that
We are only friends
To this day I'm asking why
I still think about you
As the tears run down my face I'm wondering how this could have happened. I'm asking myself why I have been this stupid. I'm asking myself why I haven't been more consistent. I'm asking myself why I was so blind, why I sacrificed everything so stupidly. The only reason I know is: it's what love does to us. It's what love did to me.
I've tried my best to "get over it". I went out, met friends, dated guys, but it only helps for a little while. As soon as I'm back in my room, all those thoughts in my mind come back. Every time I see him log into msn my heart is having a roller coaster ride. It starts beating really fast and my stomach gets sick.
And even in my dreams it is haunting me. I dream of driving to his town again. I dream that I am walking through the streets. And even at daytime I find myself recognize places from there in my own town. I walk through some streets and feel as if I am back at the place where I spent so many happy days with him.
You probably think I'm whiny and stupid and pathetic. But you can't feel what I feel. And to be honest, I dislike how whenever you talk about something that gets you down, people tell you you're "whiny" and "emo" and to "get over it" . I'm not emo or whiny, I'm hurt.
I just wanna live again. I've tried so hard. I don't want to feel this burden anymore. Every day I keep on wondering what he's doing when he's not on msn, if he maybe has a new girlfriend, even though he broke up with me for not wanting to be committed. What is he thinking about me now? I feel like I'm nothing special anymore. I'm just a random stupid girl to have some good sex with. Thats how I feel.
And I want to tell him so many things, I want to tell him how much this actually hurts, how much I have sacrificed for him, what I have gone through for him, but it wouldn't change or help anything. He doesn't know so many things. He doesn't know how much I've actually cried in the past weeks of our relationship. He doesn't even know that I had my one and only panic attack during that time. I should be pissed at him, but this whole year he was my world, he was everything to me. I would have done anything for him and what have I ever gotten back?
Yet I would love if we could go back to being best friends, like we used to be. I'm trying my best, but my heart doesn't let me. It hurts more than anything. Can you blame me?
To be honest, right now I could kick myself for letting this get me down that much. Where is the happy, always smiling sunshine girl Susi gone? Goddamnit, he's just a boy, I should move on! Why can't I????
I've never felt like this in my life before, and I'm scared I might not get it work again. Time heals all wounds but what if it rips open new wounds? I'm scared I won't find myself again. I'm out of ideas of what to do. It is so hard to just forget about it and move on.
I don't even want to know what it would be like if I wouldn't have the support of all my friends. Jen, you have absolutely no idea how much you always help me. I don't think anyone on the internet has ever been here that much for me, has ever cared that much about me. I wished I could do anything in return but nothing would be enough to thank for all that you have done for me. Every time I'm feeling down I read your letter. Your words cheer me up so much. I want to thank you for everything you have done for me. I love you so much. And please know that I'm always there for you.
Now I'm sitting here and I don't even know why I'm writing all this or what I am actually writing at all. I wonder if anything I wrote actually makes sense. Maybe it doesn't but nothing in my head seems to make sense lately.
Maybe you should just ignore this blog, it's none of those "great, amazing, oh my god, best blogger" blogs. It's not meant to be that anyways. It's a cry for help.
Now I rest my head from
Such an endless dreary time
A time of hopes and happiness
That had you on my mind
Those days are gone and now it seems
As if I'll get some rest
But now and then I'll see you again
And it puts my heart to test
So when are all my problems
Going to end?
I'm understanding now that
We are only friends
To this day I'm asking why
I still think about you
I understand exactly how you feel, those things that remind you of the time you had. Unfortunately there is no quick fix, no switch we can flip that'll snap us out of it. You feel this way because the feelings you had for him were so deep and true. And that takes time to overcome, I actually think that if you get over it pretty quick then those feelings weren't in reality that deep. You have an immense capacity to love, and I would very much not like to see you lose faith in any future relationships. I know it's cliche but you will heal in time, and quite frankly nothing anyone says can make those feelings go away. Losing someone you love due to a breakup is similar to losing them to death, you still have to go through the grieving process, and that is different for us all. I suspect hun that a part of you still wishes you were with him and that you haven't completely accepted the fact that it's over, even just a tiny bit can hold you back. I am always here for you and I'll do whatever I can to make you smile and laugh even if it is only a short term relief for you. You need those times.
I love you girl, and so do many others here. What can you do for me? Just believe that at some point it will get easier, please don't sink into a dark place, there is light ahead for you.
*hugs tight*
<3
Grandma, November 27th, 2007 at 05:17:13am
Honey, I am sorry. I am so so sorry. You know, I could make a comment twice the size of your Blog now. But, I won't. 'Cause I know, it would be pointless.
So, to make a long story short, I love you and if you need anything I'm here for you. K?
*huggles*
brompton cocktail., November 26th, 2007 at 12:30:04pm
I feel like this every day.
I don't know what there is to make it better, I suppose time. That's what they all say, but time just seems to make it harder.
I honestly don't know what I can say to make it all better, cause there really is nothing anyone can say. I know that.
But you're not alone, really, So many people have their heartbroken and so many people feel just the way you do right now.
You're not weird, weak or stupid to feel this way.
-hugs-
waiting_a_long_time, November 26th, 2007 at 08:34:57am
I know how you feel...it hurts, and I still havn't figured how to let go yet either. But I am confident you will find someone who will love you unconditionally for the rest of your life soon, and you will love them back....you will find the right one for you, and you will feel whole soon. you will love again, you will feel alive. and all the pain will go away...
I know how hard it is...but just keep hanging in there. I'm always here to talk.
ily,
things'll get better *hugs*
Bubble Wrap., November 26th, 2007 at 02:19:51am
I know how you feel and I can relate to how hurt you are right now. Part of you feels empty. Something feels like it's missing... Even if you feel really pathetic I don't blame you for it at all. One way or another & over time you'll feel better about this. Those memories may never go away, but I'm sure that they'll at least fade. *hugs*
threeam., November 26th, 2007 at 01:01:25am
*hugs* i was coming really close to a breakup a few days ago...on my 4 month anniversary. but we managed to work things out and so far things are okay. but i still feel like a part of me is missing. he really hurt me that day but im willing to get over it as long as i know that he'll always be around. but i still cant help but think about it. i wish i knew how to help you, but i hope for the best for you. you've helped me quite a bit and i wish to help you as well.
The Evil Alchemist, November 26th, 2007 at 12:52:34am
...*hugs*
vonny, November 26th, 2007 at 12:50:56am