17....And A Family?
At the age of 13, as many of you on GSB know, I got pregnant. Despite what my mother advised me to do, I put my baby boy up for adoption versus aborting it. I wanted nothing to do with the baby that had grown inside me, and even though the bond that I had with him was strong, I gave him up as soon as I could. I didn't even name him.
Should I have kept him? At age 13 I had just overcome a terrible eating disorder, my father had left my mother, me, and my siblings and I was in the midst of a self-mutilation frenzy. Not a good mother in my eyes at all. I have heard of young mothers keeping their babies and raising them with the help of their mom. But my was mom is a drug addict and an alcoholic.
Maybe I was just scared, either way keeping the baby seemed way out of the question and aborting it was just unfair. So I put it up for adoption.
If you've read previous blogs...I was and still am in love with a boy named Frankie Scott.Young love may seem stupid and it may seem we were not ready...but yes I was engaged to that boy this summer. I had known him since I was 5 and never stopped having feelings for him. Was it fate..? Obviously not considering the father of my child had killed himself before I had the chance to walk down the isle with him.
So since I am graduating in 5 months and turning 18 in 6...I know its time to start thinking about my future hardcore after all those years of putting it off. So the question was...step into the life of my child or go to college?
My grades weren't reassuring in the fact that I could make it into a university, but even a community college would benefit me in some way. But now after the guilt of leaving behind my son and not telling his father about him...the possibility of perhaps adopting my 4 year old son was in the back of my mind for months.
And about a month ago I made up my mind and decided to go after my son. At the very least just putting myself in his life, even if that means adopting him or not. With the help from my mother (who has currently been drug free and sober for a whole 2 1/2 months) and some friends they were able to find him.
His name was Issiah and he was killed on August 22nd, 2007 by a collision that his drunken foster dad had caused.
I had a family. I had a soon to be husband...and a child. Yet, we were never together. I'm not even 18 yet and I've lost my father, brother, sister, husband, and son.
I Miss You: Samantha, Frankie, Jack, and daddy.
R.I.P: Issiah. I'm sorry I was never their for you.
Should I have kept him? At age 13 I had just overcome a terrible eating disorder, my father had left my mother, me, and my siblings and I was in the midst of a self-mutilation frenzy. Not a good mother in my eyes at all. I have heard of young mothers keeping their babies and raising them with the help of their mom. But my was mom is a drug addict and an alcoholic.
Maybe I was just scared, either way keeping the baby seemed way out of the question and aborting it was just unfair. So I put it up for adoption.
If you've read previous blogs...I was and still am in love with a boy named Frankie Scott.Young love may seem stupid and it may seem we were not ready...but yes I was engaged to that boy this summer. I had known him since I was 5 and never stopped having feelings for him. Was it fate..? Obviously not considering the father of my child had killed himself before I had the chance to walk down the isle with him.
So since I am graduating in 5 months and turning 18 in 6...I know its time to start thinking about my future hardcore after all those years of putting it off. So the question was...step into the life of my child or go to college?
My grades weren't reassuring in the fact that I could make it into a university, but even a community college would benefit me in some way. But now after the guilt of leaving behind my son and not telling his father about him...the possibility of perhaps adopting my 4 year old son was in the back of my mind for months.
And about a month ago I made up my mind and decided to go after my son. At the very least just putting myself in his life, even if that means adopting him or not. With the help from my mother (who has currently been drug free and sober for a whole 2 1/2 months) and some friends they were able to find him.
His name was Issiah and he was killed on August 22nd, 2007 by a collision that his drunken foster dad had caused.
I had a family. I had a soon to be husband...and a child. Yet, we were never together. I'm not even 18 yet and I've lost my father, brother, sister, husband, and son.
I Miss You: Samantha, Frankie, Jack, and daddy.
R.I.P: Issiah. I'm sorry I was never their for you.
woah.
i'm sorry for you.
losing a son,husband,father,bor and sis.
m friend and i lost our fathers too.
you allways come back with a smile even through really tough stuff.
wow.
you're amazing. :]
CanYouFeelIt, March 26th, 2008 at 06:51:34pm
oh my lord.
this touched me, it really did.
what you've gone through must have ripped your heart out.
you always seem so happy on gsb, tbh.
and i would never suspect such bad things to have happened to you.
you really have a lot of will power, it's quite insiprational, tbh.
Fallop!an Cwac Cwac., January 25th, 2008 at 08:35:04pm
Good god, everything's been so... unfair for you.
But I guess the one thing for it is to move on. It's impossible to stop thinking about people when they were so close, but now that you've seen all them pass away, do you want to waste away your life, when everybody, everybody is lucky to have one?
I say go to college. There's nothing better in the world that you can find right there than education. Go out there and apply yourself.
Miley Cyrus, January 24th, 2008 at 10:35:19pm
Oh my, I'm so sorry!! That's terrible, i can't even imagine what that must feel like. Wow..
I don't know what to say to make u feel better, either, but all i do know is that what threearm said is true. Moving on is what u have to do. I know it's hard. U've lost so much at such a young age. U are allowed to express emotion though it helps u deal with it.
You have a lot to look forward to in life, graduating may help u feel better as walking at graduation is like crossing a bridge and looking forward. Figuritvely speaking. It's a milestone.
Maybe going to college will help too as u can meet new people. Going to college is way to start over.
You are a strong young women for trying to find ur son. I'm sorry about what happened to him.
So stay strong for yourself.....
Barney Stinson, January 24th, 2008 at 02:58:38pm
Man.. life's been really tough for you.
I don't exactly know what to say to you to make you feel better, but keep moving on and you can always start over. In the end this stuff will only make you stronger and it'll make you who you are.
You inspire me. No matter what you go through you still come out with a smile. Never change that.
threeam., January 23rd, 2008 at 02:10:09am
:[ woah
i can't even know how you feel, because i haven't been through that
but i like to think that things happen for something, and maybe thats a sign which is telling you to star over again go to college find someone special and then have a new family..
anyways i'm sorry about you son :(
Emo Orange Bunneh Ears, January 22nd, 2008 at 09:31:42pm