I Want My Life Back.

I want my life back.
I want my sister back.
I want my daddy back.
I want my brother back.
I want my son back.
I want my best friend back.
I want my love back.
I want my future back.

I want my happiness back.

Isn’t it amazing to think that just this summer I was perfectly happy with my life? It is to me. To know that everything was going so right, that I could forget my sister had died, and my dad was gone, and my brother was disowning himself from our family.

Now it’s finally settling in that I don’t have the grades to go to college, that I’ll never get over him, that I failed at raising not only my sister, but my own son. That my best friend could possibly be dead, yet I have no idea. That my dad and brother walked out on me. On us. What ‘s left for me? Helping my mom through rehab? Making sure that my adopted sister gets off to school each day, packing her lunch, watching her go through life with just as many problems that I had as a 13 year old girl.

I don’t think I can do it.

Always look to the future. Always look towards what might happen. Always change the things you want to change. I’ve told myself that over and over again.

The future is me being the mother for my sister, and either watching my mom kill herself with drugs, or constantly being the one monitoring it. I’ll be working a minimum wage job, because I was too obsessed with being pissed off at the world to care about grades. No college. No high paying job.

Yes, of course I could just walk out of my sisters life right now. My mom is on her way to recovery, I could just pretend that I knew for a fact that things would be alright and never look back. Why not? My brother did it. My dad did it. He did it. My mom spent her life not caring, why can’t I? Everyone else is doing it.

It’s because I can’t.

I can’t walk out on them. I can’t do what everyone else did. I know what its like to abandoned your own blood, and be abandoned by your own blood. I hate the feeling. I hate the feeling of knowing that you are no longer cared for. I hate the feeling that you were the cause of a death, that you left someone.

I can’t change things. I can’t all of a sudden get accepted to a University. I can’t magically make sure my mom stops using drugs. I can’t go back in time. I can’t change the past. I can’t make my dad come back or my brother.

And I can’t stop crying.

I guess I was just numb all this time. Knowing that things would get better. That they would change. They only really got worse. When I was 13 and all depressed, I thought that maybe things would turn around for me. Well, they did. But…than they were taken away. Why? Why me? How is it fair? What did I do to deserve this?

The best things in life really are free. Happiness is free. And it’s the best feeling in the world. I really was the happiest person on Earth at one time. Unfortunately, I can’t say that anymore.

Thank you Chanyn, Emma, & Michelle. 2/14/08
Thank you Mikey, Rachel, Amanda, & Zacky.

Posted on February 16th, 2008 at 01:23pm


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