Dear you...
Dear you,
I watch you talking to people, and I see you're having fun with them. I experience you talking to me, and I see you're not having fun anymore. I wonder why you keep the distance between you and me so high. I wonder why you seem uneasy around me, why you can't seem to open up for my jokes, my stories, why you can't open up to tell me stories about you.
Is it what I said to you when I was upset? I know a lot of things have happened in the past and I know we might not be able to go back to that time. I guess we both have felt too much pain. I know I've been unfair at one point, I know calling you untrue was unfair, I know it hurt you. But if you haven't had acted the way you did, I would never have said or even thought those things.
We met 2 years ago. Our friendship was so much fun. We were so stupid, so random, so funny. It makes me smile thinking of all the crazy stuff we have done together, the stupid questions I always asked you. We laughed so much. Then something happened. We fell in love with each other. I don't regret it at all. I had some of the best months in my life with you. I felt so much love for you, and I had so much love yet to give.
I loved your kisses and hugs. You made me feel so safe, so warm, so amazingly happy. I think back of the time we spent and sometimes I wished I could turn back time. But I know those times will not come back anymore. And I know it's for the best. Yet I look at old pictures of you and me and it secretly makes me wish we were like that again. You seemed perfect for me. You were everything I ever wanted.
Maybe it wasn't the right place, the right time. Maybe if we had met 5 years later everything would have went different. But this time it wasn't meant to be. You hurt me a lot when you suddenly started ignoring me out of a sudden. I never knew what it meant. You've never even seen the tears I've cried. But I made mistakes, too. I apologize for calling your love fake, I was upset, I was told things but I should have asked you and not them. You were never talking though.
Now we're talking again every now and then. I want to be friends, but I don't just want to be random friends. I want to go back to being friends like we used to. I want to laugh with you. At the beginning it seemed like we could do that. But it has changed. I've said something stupid and you started ignoring me again. But can you blame me?
I have not known that my words hurt you that much. You told me it's okay now, and yet it doesn't feel like it. I wished you could talk to me like you talk to all those people that you have not even ever met? I try my best, I tell you funny stories, I try to entertain you but all i get are "ok"s or "uhm"s. When I ask you you say nothing is wrong. But to be honest, you make me feel like you don't even care about me anymore.
All I want is to be like we used to. I want to ask you how spiders make love, I want to play being monkeys with you. I just want to be stupid. But I guess those times have passed. I guess we can't be friends like we used to again. Maybe too much has happened. Maybe we both have changed. I don't know.
All I know is that I'm ready for all that, for being big friends again who have a lot of fun together, and I hope some day you will, too. I'm waiting for the day to come when the distance between you and me will grow smaller.
I don't know if what I wrote even makes sense. But I think about those things a lot and I needed to write this to you, even if you might never read this. Today the love has faded, but I want you to know one thing: You're always in my heart.
Love,
Susi.
I watch you talking to people, and I see you're having fun with them. I experience you talking to me, and I see you're not having fun anymore. I wonder why you keep the distance between you and me so high. I wonder why you seem uneasy around me, why you can't seem to open up for my jokes, my stories, why you can't open up to tell me stories about you.
Is it what I said to you when I was upset? I know a lot of things have happened in the past and I know we might not be able to go back to that time. I guess we both have felt too much pain. I know I've been unfair at one point, I know calling you untrue was unfair, I know it hurt you. But if you haven't had acted the way you did, I would never have said or even thought those things.
We met 2 years ago. Our friendship was so much fun. We were so stupid, so random, so funny. It makes me smile thinking of all the crazy stuff we have done together, the stupid questions I always asked you. We laughed so much. Then something happened. We fell in love with each other. I don't regret it at all. I had some of the best months in my life with you. I felt so much love for you, and I had so much love yet to give.
I loved your kisses and hugs. You made me feel so safe, so warm, so amazingly happy. I think back of the time we spent and sometimes I wished I could turn back time. But I know those times will not come back anymore. And I know it's for the best. Yet I look at old pictures of you and me and it secretly makes me wish we were like that again. You seemed perfect for me. You were everything I ever wanted.
Maybe it wasn't the right place, the right time. Maybe if we had met 5 years later everything would have went different. But this time it wasn't meant to be. You hurt me a lot when you suddenly started ignoring me out of a sudden. I never knew what it meant. You've never even seen the tears I've cried. But I made mistakes, too. I apologize for calling your love fake, I was upset, I was told things but I should have asked you and not them. You were never talking though.
Now we're talking again every now and then. I want to be friends, but I don't just want to be random friends. I want to go back to being friends like we used to. I want to laugh with you. At the beginning it seemed like we could do that. But it has changed. I've said something stupid and you started ignoring me again. But can you blame me?
I have not known that my words hurt you that much. You told me it's okay now, and yet it doesn't feel like it. I wished you could talk to me like you talk to all those people that you have not even ever met? I try my best, I tell you funny stories, I try to entertain you but all i get are "ok"s or "uhm"s. When I ask you you say nothing is wrong. But to be honest, you make me feel like you don't even care about me anymore.
All I want is to be like we used to. I want to ask you how spiders make love, I want to play being monkeys with you. I just want to be stupid. But I guess those times have passed. I guess we can't be friends like we used to again. Maybe too much has happened. Maybe we both have changed. I don't know.
All I know is that I'm ready for all that, for being big friends again who have a lot of fun together, and I hope some day you will, too. I'm waiting for the day to come when the distance between you and me will grow smaller.
I don't know if what I wrote even makes sense. But I think about those things a lot and I needed to write this to you, even if you might never read this. Today the love has faded, but I want you to know one thing: You're always in my heart.
Love,
Susi.
Give it time.
If you've hurt each other the worst thing to do, I feel, is to keep on trying every second you get the chance. It can aggravate the situation. Just give it some time and patience.
chuff_off, May 26th, 2008 at 06:05:39am
Wow. You pretty much just summed up the last two years of my life. A couple of the things were off in my situation, but I think I can say I know how you feel.
The being close friends, falling in love, breaking up, not being as good of friends, wanting to be better friends...I can relate to that.
Anyway, nice blog. I wish I could express my feelings as well as you, sometimes :]
Benedict Cumberbatch, May 22nd, 2008 at 09:29:32pm
*hugs*
Grandma, May 22nd, 2008 at 12:42:29am
That was so.. wow.
I know how you feel.
No matter how much you want things to go back to the way they were they never will. Even if it's for the best, it still sucks.
In time though maybe it'll feel like he never existed in the first place.
threeam., May 21st, 2008 at 11:51:11pm