this shit

for three weeks, I've felt like hell. I feel like dying, crying, drowning, choking. I hate being alive. There's been so much that's happened in my life, I am too weak. People always say "What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger." I think it's made me like 85908495894 times weaker, all that shit.

Now, there's this. The break-up. The "moving on". I don't wanna move on. I don't want him to be out of my life. I won't and can't let it happen. The rest of my summer is going to be a huge fucking bummer because I am so god damn upset. I've already had to deal with my mom dying, then four more of my relatives, then moving to Missouri, and now this?

I was never so sure about anything as I was about him. There was NEVER anything else I was so sure of in my whole entire life, besides him. For a month or so, I faltered. I FUCKING FALTERED. I was such a god damn fool. I totally thought I wanted to be with someone else, or just out in the single life.

How truly wrong I was. I miss him now. I miss every fucking thing about him. I was so in love with him, and even when it was vague, I still loved him. I miss it all. Now I have to wait who knows how long before he might MAYBE talk to me again. I don't even know if he really wants to ever. So now I get to sit here and wonder, wait, wish, hope, and dream. I am barely functioning. I hate getting on the internet now, because I always look at what I can see of his myspace, and his picture, and how happy he looks. His adorable smile.

And when I look at myself in the mirror, I look like hell. I feel like the walking dead. My face has never been shittier looking than it is now. I feel like the ugliest girl alive because now I don't have the amazing boy of my dreams to tell me how great I am. How gorgeous I look.
I don't look gorgeous anymore. I don't feel gorgeous anymore. I feel nasty, fat, pale, lifeless. I used to stare in the mirror and know what Taylor would say to me if he were standing there with me. Now I know he would never say it again. Not anymore. That stings me deep. This all stings me deep. Every mother fucking thing reminds me of him. And I swear to it, EVERYTHING I experience and see on a daily basis reminds me of him. Everything that my life is made up of reminds me of him.
I can't stop thinking of the last time he cared. My dad's best friend's wedding. I was in a dress and looking pretty good. Taylor kept texting me saying how I must have looked beautiful, and how he wished he could've been there with me, slow dance with me, or just sit and talk to me. And how much of a fucking jackass was I? I ignored it all.
Now I hate myself for ruining one of the greatest things I've had in a long ass time. I waited my whole life to meet a guy like him, and stay with him, and be near him, and be good friends with him.
Now, it's all gone because of me. I hate myself so fucking much for ruining what I've always wanted. I hate myself. I hate how I fucked myself over so many god damn times. What is the point anymore?
WHAT?