Life.

Hello, love, it's been awhile.

So I've been wondering around in this vast, white tundra and all I can hear is a screaming whisper at the peak of every mountain I've climbed. I'm so tired and running out of things to shout at the top of them that I've dropped where I am for the impending avalanche I've been waiting for my whole life.

I've become so sensitive to my physical being. I used to be so numb, but now I feel a rush when I'm up and alive. It's like my bones are power lines exploding with electric currents too wild to know only one way. It's so refreshing to feel this way, to be bright, to explode into a galaxy. I'm not embarrassed anymore.

This has been the greatest summer of my life. Though I have lost almost every friend from online, I'm just not unhappy. More and more do I feel good even after something very distressing happens. I just can't help but feel cured. I didn't think I could do this alone, but I did. I didn't need... him.

I start college early this year, so I'm counting on it to take me somewhere outside this town. I walked in there with a huge heart beating with nothing but determination and no one was going to stop me from making it. Words have been flying out of my mouth like birds. I can't even stop myself when I'm telling you what's in my head. I could write a book. I will write a book.

I am 99% complete.
There is only one thing missing.

I can't tell you how long I've waited to know the answer. I need to know that love is real. I need to know that two people can be made for each other. I need to know what's in store for me.

What was so bad about me?

I am so afraid of the truth. I am so afraid to find out I'm just another insignificant human being whose been victimized of factory produced love. It makes perfect sense to me to say I want a car crash. I want to accidentally fall in love. I want to be blindsided. I don't want to plan it out, because it always ends so badly. I want to be in the dark. I want to let go of the wheel and just go with it. I could love you, I could.

If you could see what I see... if you could know what's in my heart...
please.

---

this makes no sense, i'm only passing the time
Posted on August 2nd, 2008 at 03:08am

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