Jealousy
I know that this is shit, I know I'm going on a rant, but this is how it feels. I know I sound silly, I know I say stupid things, I know I sound selfish. But this is how I feel.
he was mine, okay? It was us against the world. It doesn't feel okay to see him with someone else. She seems fun and nice. People like her. Oh, sure, I agree, but I can't help hating her. I hate hate hate her. I could kill her.
he is still mine. He should be. He could be. I don't know why it's not us two any longer. It doesn't feel okay to know she got flowers from him. It doesn't feel okay to follow their every move from far distance. But nowadays I feel like I need the full control. I must know who he talked to last night. Did he hug anyone? What was his voice like when greeting someone? Did he wear this or that shirt? He was mine. He is mine. I need full control; it's driving me crazy, because... I can't get full control. Controlling two people in a relationship is impossible. And my heart says no but my head says yes. It's all spinning around.
I can't sleep at nights. I miss him so. It hurts me to know that threehundred kilometres away, she is sleeping in her arms. It was always me. Out of six billion people, it was me!, and I was so proud. I was so happy for once. I felt appreciated. There were butterflies in my stomach when you grabbed my hand and everyone could see us; I felt like the queen of the world and you were my king. I've been pushed from the throne. I'm out of control. Please come back. Please tell me she's not for real. Please tell me this is just a nightmare.
I've seen myself die when reflected in hiseyes. I don't want to die. I want to live, and I want to live with him. I'm not really alive, I'm in some sort of sleepy daze. Alive, but not lively. My life was our life. What am I without you, darling? Everything is nothing without him.
I just want him to be happy. But still, I want to be the one to put a smile to his face. I'm going insane when I see him smile at her. It feels like I haven't slept or eaten for weeks when I see her hand in his.
There is always a clump of sorrow in my chest. Will it ever go away? Oh please, this can't be true. You're mine. I'm yours. Our life was my life. How am I supposed to live this life alone?
It hits me when I wake up. It hits me when I eat my breakfast. It hits me when I turn on the tv. It hits me when I meet my friends. It hits me when I walk home. It hits me when I go to sleep. It hits me during my dreams. I always think of him. His face is everywhere. His name is always the first one on my tongue. He is still mine.
I miss his scent, his safe arms, his eyes, his smile, his words, I miss laughing like only he can make me do. It's tearing me apart. Yearning kills me. I'm f*cking dying. I hate her. I love him.
he was mine, okay? It was us against the world. It doesn't feel okay to see him with someone else. She seems fun and nice. People like her. Oh, sure, I agree, but I can't help hating her. I hate hate hate her. I could kill her.
he is still mine. He should be. He could be. I don't know why it's not us two any longer. It doesn't feel okay to know she got flowers from him. It doesn't feel okay to follow their every move from far distance. But nowadays I feel like I need the full control. I must know who he talked to last night. Did he hug anyone? What was his voice like when greeting someone? Did he wear this or that shirt? He was mine. He is mine. I need full control; it's driving me crazy, because... I can't get full control. Controlling two people in a relationship is impossible. And my heart says no but my head says yes. It's all spinning around.
I can't sleep at nights. I miss him so. It hurts me to know that threehundred kilometres away, she is sleeping in her arms. It was always me. Out of six billion people, it was me!, and I was so proud. I was so happy for once. I felt appreciated. There were butterflies in my stomach when you grabbed my hand and everyone could see us; I felt like the queen of the world and you were my king. I've been pushed from the throne. I'm out of control. Please come back. Please tell me she's not for real. Please tell me this is just a nightmare.
I've seen myself die when reflected in hiseyes. I don't want to die. I want to live, and I want to live with him. I'm not really alive, I'm in some sort of sleepy daze. Alive, but not lively. My life was our life. What am I without you, darling? Everything is nothing without him.
I just want him to be happy. But still, I want to be the one to put a smile to his face. I'm going insane when I see him smile at her. It feels like I haven't slept or eaten for weeks when I see her hand in his.
There is always a clump of sorrow in my chest. Will it ever go away? Oh please, this can't be true. You're mine. I'm yours. Our life was my life. How am I supposed to live this life alone?
It hits me when I wake up. It hits me when I eat my breakfast. It hits me when I turn on the tv. It hits me when I meet my friends. It hits me when I walk home. It hits me when I go to sleep. It hits me during my dreams. I always think of him. His face is everywhere. His name is always the first one on my tongue. He is still mine.
I miss his scent, his safe arms, his eyes, his smile, his words, I miss laughing like only he can make me do. It's tearing me apart. Yearning kills me. I'm f*cking dying. I hate her. I love him.
Jealousy just makes you realise that you want that person more than you thought before. If my boyfriend hadn't kissed a girl when we broke up the first time, I certainly wouldn't be with him now.
But, you can't hate her because she's with him. If anything, you should hate him, I mean, didn't he know you felt so strongly towards him?
I hope it all goes well.
germma margaret!, August 4th, 2008 at 06:59:29am
Fair enough.
Skippy., August 3rd, 2008 at 06:51:47am
Maybeshewill; I don't really care what the bible says at the moment.
Ferb & reject08; Thank you so much!
Lissie!, August 3rd, 2008 at 04:02:44am
Jealousy is not love. Even the Bible says so. I'm going through a similar type thing.
Skippy., August 3rd, 2008 at 02:35:23am
oh that is totally how i felt when my boyfriend broke up with me for another girl...it just wasn't right...and i'm a horrible jealous person, my jealousy kills me. i'm back together with my boyfriend and we've been dating for two years now...but it will never be right again. if he talks to another girl, i feel like everything is coming back, hurting me. i'm paranoid. afraid he likes every girl when he'd never cheat on me, i know that. i just get jealous.
i know what its like to see the one person you truly love, the person who promised you the world and that he'd love you forever, holding someone else in his arms...it hurts so so bad.
but you have to move on. you will move on, even if everyday feels really horrible, you'll move on. you are still very young. i believe 100% that young people can be in love, i was that person, my boyfriend was that person. but i also know that you have a lot of life ahead of you and there will be someone out there for you that will somehow manage to make you happier than the other boy ever did. you just have to wait a bit, try to put away the past and make room for someone else when they come along.
do what you need to get over this. cry every night if you feel like crying, i know i did. but one night you'll go to bed and realize you didn't cry, you didn't think about him. you'll wake up in the morning, go to school, and realize you didn't even think of him during classes. you'll see him and it will still hurt, no matter what. but you'll realize that it doesn't hurt as bad. believe me, things will be good again. think of it this way- you don't need a guy who doesn't think you are the only girl in the world for him. you don't need a guy that can break up with you and just move on. the right guy will stay and he will love you so much you won't be able to believe its true. and you'll know that he would never break up with you for another girl.
i hope you start to get over the pain sooner than later, but take your time. don't throw yourself into another relationship if you aren't ready. good luck, and if you ever need to talk message me =]
suburban.zombie, August 3rd, 2008 at 01:30:17am
Relationships are hard. Very hard. But your only 14 years old and you've yet got a lot of growing up to do when refering to relationships. I know your probably don't want to hear this but, relationships get harder. It's just one of these things in life that tests our strength - you need to be strong.
Your like me. I want what I can't have and the more I can't get it, the more I want it. But you need to realise eventually you'll find someone else. It's always fresh on your mind, but eventually it dulls to a low ache and eventually to just happy memories and a lesson in life.
Try to remember that this is a test. A painful one, obviously, but it gets easier and you can always remain friends. Learn to control your jealousy.
I think it's great of you to vent your feelings here, that's so brave to admit your jealous.
If you need to talk, don't hesitate to PM. I'd be more than happy to talk with you and share some of my disasters with you. That's what girls do. We help eachother.
Ferb, August 2nd, 2008 at 06:59:31pm