Forever Is What I meant.
You are my survival, now hear me say. I can't imagine life without your love, even forever don't seem like long enough.
Background Information: Early Wednesday morning, my mom called me in a frantic state. She told me should couldn't tell me why, and that my stepdad would soon call to tell me what had happend. But, I couldn't wait and I begged my mom to tell me what was going on. She took two deep breaths, and said "Aunt Laura passed away". Instantly, I started to cry. Then, I said "How?". Aunt Laura had always been the healthiest of the family, the most active. My first thought was some sort of sporting accident. My mom said "We don't know yet, the corener should be calling later on". I left it at that, and slowly hung up the phone, tears streaming down my face. I went about the day, waiting for the answer. Late Thursday night my mom walks to my door and says "We got the call, but I don't know that I should tell you how she passed". But, being who I am.. I needed to know. My mom comes into my room, sits on the bed and says "Aunt Laura took her own life". And I didn't know what to say, so I screamed.
Suicide: The act of taking one's own life voluntary and intentionally; self-murder; specifically, the felonious killing of one's self; the deliberate and intentional destruction of one's own life by a person of years of discretion and of sound mind.
Aunt Laura, was more than an aunt. She was the one I could just call up and walk over there when I just needed to talk. She was the craziest, she did the wierdest things. I never saw how depressed she really was, now that I think of it.. she would have made an amazing actress. I never, not even once saw it coming.. she was always so happy and joking arond about everything. She loved to dress up as Santa Claus, and give the gifts to us.. even though by now we all knew it was her in the suit. She would randomly call us up, and ask if we wanted to go to Alaska, knowing we had school the next day. She wasn't ever the type to be upset, and so.. a phone call like that is something I just haven't been able to comprehend. I went to the viewing Friday night. It was so hard to walk up to the front of the room, to make peace with what happend. I couldn't in the end, make it up to her to say goodbye. I don;t believe it was her time to go, she had so much more to do. The hardest part was the funeral, everyone there was crying. I couldn;t contain myself, as much as I wanted to.. for my stepdad. He needed something, you could see the pain well up in his eyes. He had lost his best friend, nothing could bring her back. Watching my cousins go up and try to makepeace with Aunt Laura's passing, was both inspirational and heart-wrenching. I wish somehow, I could have stopped her.. I will never be able to find peace in how I lost my Aunt Laura.
Suicide, is something I've seen enough of to know that it simply doesn't help anyone. It honestly breaks my heart to see such wonderful people who show such promise giving their life to the knife. The number one thing I see too much with suicide, is people who pretend they're going to do it, for the purpose of getting people to pay attention to them. It kills me to know someone would go as far as actually killing themselves because they are really depressed, and people go and make them look like they're jokes.
I can't at all see why my Aunt Laura would kill herself. I lost my best friend Matty four years ago as well, to the same cause. It is such a battle, when you have dperession. The only difference between Matty and my Aunt, is that with Matty.. we knew he was feeling that way.. my Aunt never said a word about the way she felt. I really wish she would have, maybe then someone would have been able to say something to change what she had planned. Or atleast have let her know just how loved she really was, and that we would all miss her in the way we do. Matty was a tiny bit different, we got the chance to try and say what we felt, but he was a lost cause. He had given up on everything, he lost sight of who he was. I guess this is my way of saying tell the people you have, that you love them. every single day, say it because in the matter of two seconds, everything could be changed forever
I think, losing my Aunt made me realize something crazy. Life is short, and to do anything to shorten it more is plain stupid. It kills the people around you. Life is full of surprises, life never stops moving, life is yours to live. You only get a hundred years, and it'll go faster than you'll ever know. You think, "Hell, I'm only sixteen.. I've still got eighty years." But you never know what tomorrow may bring, it may be the last day you have.
Live every day like it's your last. Dance like no one is watching, and if someone is, dance a little sillier. Sing like no one can hear, and if they can, sing a little more off key.
Background Information: Early Wednesday morning, my mom called me in a frantic state. She told me should couldn't tell me why, and that my stepdad would soon call to tell me what had happend. But, I couldn't wait and I begged my mom to tell me what was going on. She took two deep breaths, and said "Aunt Laura passed away". Instantly, I started to cry. Then, I said "How?". Aunt Laura had always been the healthiest of the family, the most active. My first thought was some sort of sporting accident. My mom said "We don't know yet, the corener should be calling later on". I left it at that, and slowly hung up the phone, tears streaming down my face. I went about the day, waiting for the answer. Late Thursday night my mom walks to my door and says "We got the call, but I don't know that I should tell you how she passed". But, being who I am.. I needed to know. My mom comes into my room, sits on the bed and says "Aunt Laura took her own life". And I didn't know what to say, so I screamed.
Suicide: The act of taking one's own life voluntary and intentionally; self-murder; specifically, the felonious killing of one's self; the deliberate and intentional destruction of one's own life by a person of years of discretion and of sound mind.
Aunt Laura, was more than an aunt. She was the one I could just call up and walk over there when I just needed to talk. She was the craziest, she did the wierdest things. I never saw how depressed she really was, now that I think of it.. she would have made an amazing actress. I never, not even once saw it coming.. she was always so happy and joking arond about everything. She loved to dress up as Santa Claus, and give the gifts to us.. even though by now we all knew it was her in the suit. She would randomly call us up, and ask if we wanted to go to Alaska, knowing we had school the next day. She wasn't ever the type to be upset, and so.. a phone call like that is something I just haven't been able to comprehend. I went to the viewing Friday night. It was so hard to walk up to the front of the room, to make peace with what happend. I couldn't in the end, make it up to her to say goodbye. I don;t believe it was her time to go, she had so much more to do. The hardest part was the funeral, everyone there was crying. I couldn;t contain myself, as much as I wanted to.. for my stepdad. He needed something, you could see the pain well up in his eyes. He had lost his best friend, nothing could bring her back. Watching my cousins go up and try to makepeace with Aunt Laura's passing, was both inspirational and heart-wrenching. I wish somehow, I could have stopped her.. I will never be able to find peace in how I lost my Aunt Laura.
Suicide, is something I've seen enough of to know that it simply doesn't help anyone. It honestly breaks my heart to see such wonderful people who show such promise giving their life to the knife. The number one thing I see too much with suicide, is people who pretend they're going to do it, for the purpose of getting people to pay attention to them. It kills me to know someone would go as far as actually killing themselves because they are really depressed, and people go and make them look like they're jokes.
I can't at all see why my Aunt Laura would kill herself. I lost my best friend Matty four years ago as well, to the same cause. It is such a battle, when you have dperession. The only difference between Matty and my Aunt, is that with Matty.. we knew he was feeling that way.. my Aunt never said a word about the way she felt. I really wish she would have, maybe then someone would have been able to say something to change what she had planned. Or atleast have let her know just how loved she really was, and that we would all miss her in the way we do. Matty was a tiny bit different, we got the chance to try and say what we felt, but he was a lost cause. He had given up on everything, he lost sight of who he was. I guess this is my way of saying tell the people you have, that you love them. every single day, say it because in the matter of two seconds, everything could be changed forever
I think, losing my Aunt made me realize something crazy. Life is short, and to do anything to shorten it more is plain stupid. It kills the people around you. Life is full of surprises, life never stops moving, life is yours to live. You only get a hundred years, and it'll go faster than you'll ever know. You think, "Hell, I'm only sixteen.. I've still got eighty years." But you never know what tomorrow may bring, it may be the last day you have.
Live every day like it's your last. Dance like no one is watching, and if someone is, dance a little sillier. Sing like no one can hear, and if they can, sing a little more off key.
i'm am so, so sorry that you had to go through this and especially with someone so loved and needed by your family. i don't know how you feel, losing someone to suicide feels different for each and every person, but i have lost people to suicide too. so if you ever want someone to talk to about anything, i'll be here. who knows? we may have gone through a lot of the same feelings. but i love your blog. it made me cry. it's so beautiful and passionate. i hope everything begins to feel at least a little less painful for you soon. <3
get famous, August 6th, 2008 at 04:33:42am
Both my Mum and sister have attempted suicide. Though I've never actually lost someone, it's a terrible experience.
I'm sorry.
germma margaret!, August 4th, 2008 at 06:44:57am
I'm sorry.
"for the purpose of getting people to pay attention to them."
I hate that so so so much.
Skippy., August 4th, 2008 at 04:58:05am
I'm so sorry about Laura and Matty D:
you're so strong to write all of this.
Lissie!, August 4th, 2008 at 04:45:59am
i know how you feel...but from two perspectives.
one- our town lost a freshman in high school, my best guy friend's cousin, a girl who used to be a close friend's sister. it was really heartbreaking to see how many people came to see her one last time and how many people came to the funeral...the line into the funeral home stretched through the entire parking lot and down the street. it was like that all day. it took three hours for me to get to see laura. the funeral was worse. instead of having it at a church, they had to have it in our high school auditorium, her school, the auditorium she had been through so many times, the hallways she walked through every day...our auditorium was completely packed, every seat filled and folding chairs were brought out for about 30 extra people, not including the probably 40 standing all around the walls. it seemed like everyone in our town, even the people who had never met her, never seen her came (we live in a pretty small town, btw). no one could understand how a girl so beautiful, so happy, so alive could be so depressed. we didn't even know it. she played just about every sport, she was in 4H, she had tons of friends...i couldn't understand why she killed herself.
two- me. i tried to kill myself. twice. once i tried to hang myself but chickened out, my mom caught me with the belts around my neck...another time i was trying to get to the bathroom to drown myself but my dad held me down. i told them i was going to kill myself. but it wasn't for attention. i know some kids DO tell people they want to kill themselves for attention, but i was visibly depressed, i was a cutter, i was sad at school, sad at home, very very angry and argumentative. we found out i had bipolar after i tried to kill myself the first time, after the second my parents sent me to the hospital. i was there for two weeks and they found out that the two medicines i was taking caused a reverse effect when taken together. they made me more violent, more depressed...i never told anyone that i wanted to kill myself, other than my parents. but it was never for attention. when people do that, sometimes it IS for attentions, but a lot of times its a cry for help. to them, theres no other way to tell someone you are that sad. in reality, people who aren't depressed can't understand what its like. they often say "well just think about something to make you happy!". it doesn't work that way...
but i have learned so much from all this. one time i was really thinking about suicide, so i told a close friend. he really surprised me by saying that one time he took a bunch of pills, meaning to overdose. he always seemed so happy, never sad, never angry, nothing at all. he told me something i will never, ever forget- when he was knocked out by the pills he had this dream. he dreamed that he was dead and he was watching his family and his friends' reactions. then it was all clear- one, it wasn't his time to die or else he would be dead, not having a dream. two- he realized how heartbroken everyone would be if he died. he told me this story and i haven't really thought about seriously killing myself since. i wish i could tell everyone this story, or even better, show everyone my friends dream somehow...
suicide is so hard to understand, especially from someone like your aunt...
its so hard to get past it. in my opinion, its worse than an accidental death. when you die in an accident or from being sick, everybody thinks "well, it must have been his/her time to go" they know you aren't suffering, that you are in a better place. when someone commits suicide, family and friends feel horribly guilty..they can't stop thinking about how they missed the signs, how they could have helped them if only they knew...
i hope i never lose another friend. i know now i'll never lose myself.
all that is left for you to do is stop thinking you could have saved her. its really hard to bring someone out of depression, esp. if they are so far that they are thinking about suicide. its a mental disorder..nothing but medicine and counseling can help...
i hope that this will eventually get easier for you. some religions think that if you kill yourself, you go to hell. i don't knowthi if your religion, if you have one, is one that thinks that. i think its a bunch of bullsh*t. people who are that sad deserve to go straight to heaven...they've suffered more than most.
suburban.zombie, August 4th, 2008 at 02:22:52am
i loved this blog, a lot.
sh*t daddy it made me think.
I'm so sorry about your Aunt, i really am man D:
and Matty D:
It makes me mad when people joke about suicide and depression, cause its not a joke. If they had it, they wouldn't want people joking about it. If they had someone close to them commit suicide, they wouldn't joke about it. People shouldn't walk around going "OmFg Th4T GuY D035N'T L0o0O0V3 M3 1M G01NG T0 K177 My S37F." its dumb D:
it made me think.
so now i'ma live my life to all of what it can be.
i really will.
:D
i love you hardcore man !
amazing blog x fifty thousand.
garrett nickelsen., August 4th, 2008 at 12:37:30am