Forever Is What I meant.

You are my survival, now hear me say. I can't imagine life without your love, even forever don't seem like long enough.

Background Information: Early Wednesday morning, my mom called me in a frantic state. She told me should couldn't tell me why, and that my stepdad would soon call to tell me what had happend. But, I couldn't wait and I begged my mom to tell me what was going on. She took two deep breaths, and said "Aunt Laura passed away". Instantly, I started to cry. Then, I said "How?". Aunt Laura had always been the healthiest of the family, the most active. My first thought was some sort of sporting accident. My mom said "We don't know yet, the corener should be calling later on". I left it at that, and slowly hung up the phone, tears streaming down my face. I went about the day, waiting for the answer. Late Thursday night my mom walks to my door and says "We got the call, but I don't know that I should tell you how she passed". But, being who I am.. I needed to know. My mom comes into my room, sits on the bed and says "Aunt Laura took her own life". And I didn't know what to say, so I screamed.

Suicide: The act of taking one's own life voluntary and intentionally; self-murder; specifically, the felonious killing of one's self; the deliberate and intentional destruction of one's own life by a person of years of discretion and of sound mind.

Aunt Laura, was more than an aunt. She was the one I could just call up and walk over there when I just needed to talk. She was the craziest, she did the wierdest things. I never saw how depressed she really was, now that I think of it.. she would have made an amazing actress. I never, not even once saw it coming.. she was always so happy and joking arond about everything. She loved to dress up as Santa Claus, and give the gifts to us.. even though by now we all knew it was her in the suit. She would randomly call us up, and ask if we wanted to go to Alaska, knowing we had school the next day. She wasn't ever the type to be upset, and so.. a phone call like that is something I just haven't been able to comprehend. I went to the viewing Friday night. It was so hard to walk up to the front of the room, to make peace with what happend. I couldn't in the end, make it up to her to say goodbye. I don;t believe it was her time to go, she had so much more to do. The hardest part was the funeral, everyone there was crying. I couldn;t contain myself, as much as I wanted to.. for my stepdad. He needed something, you could see the pain well up in his eyes. He had lost his best friend, nothing could bring her back. Watching my cousins go up and try to makepeace with Aunt Laura's passing, was both inspirational and heart-wrenching. I wish somehow, I could have stopped her.. I will never be able to find peace in how I lost my Aunt Laura.

Suicide, is something I've seen enough of to know that it simply doesn't help anyone. It honestly breaks my heart to see such wonderful people who show such promise giving their life to the knife. The number one thing I see too much with suicide, is people who pretend they're going to do it, for the purpose of getting people to pay attention to them. It kills me to know someone would go as far as actually killing themselves because they are really depressed, and people go and make them look like they're jokes.

I can't at all see why my Aunt Laura would kill herself. I lost my best friend Matty four years ago as well, to the same cause. It is such a battle, when you have dperession. The only difference between Matty and my Aunt, is that with Matty.. we knew he was feeling that way.. my Aunt never said a word about the way she felt. I really wish she would have, maybe then someone would have been able to say something to change what she had planned. Or atleast have let her know just how loved she really was, and that we would all miss her in the way we do. Matty was a tiny bit different, we got the chance to try and say what we felt, but he was a lost cause. He had given up on everything, he lost sight of who he was. I guess this is my way of saying tell the people you have, that you love them. every single day, say it because in the matter of two seconds, everything could be changed forever

I think, losing my Aunt made me realize something crazy. Life is short, and to do anything to shorten it more is plain stupid. It kills the people around you. Life is full of surprises, life never stops moving, life is yours to live. You only get a hundred years, and it'll go faster than you'll ever know. You think, "Hell, I'm only sixteen.. I've still got eighty years." But you never know what tomorrow may bring, it may be the last day you have.

Live every day like it's your last. Dance like no one is watching, and if someone is, dance a little sillier. Sing like no one can hear, and if they can, sing a little more off key.

Posted on August 4th, 2008 at 12:29am


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