One of those days
Ugh. I'm having one of those days again.
You know those days? The days where you think that you can't draw? The days where you think you can't write? The days where you think you can't sing? The days where you think you can't play an instrument? The days where you think you can't act? The days where you think you're stupid? Worthless? A waste of space?
That's what I'm talking about.
Only it's not just one of those days. Or one of those weeks. Or one of those months. Or even one of those years (at least I hope not). It's on and off, for days at a time, months at a time, weeks at a time, sometimes hours, sometimes only minutes, sometimes even just seconds and I can barely grasp it.
But I'm definitely having one of those times now.
I don't know why I have such low self-esteem. Maybe it's because other people are always ripping on me. Maybe it's because I'm not getting good grades. Maybe it's because I just feel so pressured I can't fucking take it. Maybe it's because I'm always in trouble, as if I always do something wrong, even though at least half of the time I didn't do anything wrong. Maybe iti's because nobody understands, and if they do they sure as hell don't care.
My latest punishment was the worst in the world. It pushed me over the edge. I tried to strangle myself with a feather boa. I know it sounds stupid, but if I hadn't stopped myself it would've definitely worked. I just couldn't take it. My parents punish me by taking stuff away. They feel that I'm... I don't even know what. They've used so many... "colorful" insults, I've completely lost track. They've taken away my cellphone, my iPod, my computer, my TV, my CDs, my books... But I could live without it. So this time, instead of taking those trivial things, they took something I couldn't live without, my reason for living.
Or maybe my dad just picked up the first thing he saw when he walked into my room with the "intent to smash."
So, now I bet you're asking, "What did they take?"
They took my life.
They took Michael.
For those of you who don't know, Michael is my bass guitar. Not only that, but what I'm really good at, the one thing that makes me feel like I'm worth it. I learned overnight, and you can take that literally. It makes me feel good about myself, being able to play an instrument that I enjoy and find very easy.
And they took that away.
They knew I tried to kill myself, too. But they didn't care. They didn't even care. And that just added insult to injury.
I've got a month until I get him back, and I've been using the first four strings of my old guitar I never learned.
And it's not the same.
I've been feeling shittier than ever ever since they took him. I don't feel like getting up once I'm down. I don't even feel like getting up once I'm up.
And I can tell you what I did, too. NOTHING.
I just wanted to go to church with my friends on Sunday to learn about God. I mean, I didn't want to go to hell or anything, right? I didn't even know what a f*cking Hail Mary was! So I asked, and they said the roads were bad. And yet, they were going to go to my other house and watch football. I asked them about this and they said I was "A selfish little bitch. You don't want to learn about God, you just want to hang out with your friends." Of course, that wasn't true at all. I can hang out with them any other time, whereas I hadn't been to church in FOUR YEARS. And they kept saying they'd take me, but they never did. So I said, "You want me to go to hell, like I want you to!" meaning "You want me to go to hell, it's like I want you to and you're getting me back or something!" but my dad took it out of context and told my other parents I'd damned them or something like that.
First of all, I'm just one kid. I'm not God. I can't just damn somebody. So what the hell? But no, they don't believe me. Just because I'm 13 they don't trust me. So I've got another month of pointlessly trying to live.
Just call it one of those days.
You know those days? The days where you think that you can't draw? The days where you think you can't write? The days where you think you can't sing? The days where you think you can't play an instrument? The days where you think you can't act? The days where you think you're stupid? Worthless? A waste of space?
That's what I'm talking about.
Only it's not just one of those days. Or one of those weeks. Or one of those months. Or even one of those years (at least I hope not). It's on and off, for days at a time, months at a time, weeks at a time, sometimes hours, sometimes only minutes, sometimes even just seconds and I can barely grasp it.
But I'm definitely having one of those times now.
I don't know why I have such low self-esteem. Maybe it's because other people are always ripping on me. Maybe it's because I'm not getting good grades. Maybe it's because I just feel so pressured I can't fucking take it. Maybe it's because I'm always in trouble, as if I always do something wrong, even though at least half of the time I didn't do anything wrong. Maybe iti's because nobody understands, and if they do they sure as hell don't care.
My latest punishment was the worst in the world. It pushed me over the edge. I tried to strangle myself with a feather boa. I know it sounds stupid, but if I hadn't stopped myself it would've definitely worked. I just couldn't take it. My parents punish me by taking stuff away. They feel that I'm... I don't even know what. They've used so many... "colorful" insults, I've completely lost track. They've taken away my cellphone, my iPod, my computer, my TV, my CDs, my books... But I could live without it. So this time, instead of taking those trivial things, they took something I couldn't live without, my reason for living.
Or maybe my dad just picked up the first thing he saw when he walked into my room with the "intent to smash."
So, now I bet you're asking, "What did they take?"
They took my life.
They took Michael.
For those of you who don't know, Michael is my bass guitar. Not only that, but what I'm really good at, the one thing that makes me feel like I'm worth it. I learned overnight, and you can take that literally. It makes me feel good about myself, being able to play an instrument that I enjoy and find very easy.
And they took that away.
They knew I tried to kill myself, too. But they didn't care. They didn't even care. And that just added insult to injury.
I've got a month until I get him back, and I've been using the first four strings of my old guitar I never learned.
And it's not the same.
I've been feeling shittier than ever ever since they took him. I don't feel like getting up once I'm down. I don't even feel like getting up once I'm up.
And I can tell you what I did, too. NOTHING.
I just wanted to go to church with my friends on Sunday to learn about God. I mean, I didn't want to go to hell or anything, right? I didn't even know what a f*cking Hail Mary was! So I asked, and they said the roads were bad. And yet, they were going to go to my other house and watch football. I asked them about this and they said I was "A selfish little bitch. You don't want to learn about God, you just want to hang out with your friends." Of course, that wasn't true at all. I can hang out with them any other time, whereas I hadn't been to church in FOUR YEARS. And they kept saying they'd take me, but they never did. So I said, "You want me to go to hell, like I want you to!" meaning "You want me to go to hell, it's like I want you to and you're getting me back or something!" but my dad took it out of context and told my other parents I'd damned them or something like that.
First of all, I'm just one kid. I'm not God. I can't just damn somebody. So what the hell? But no, they don't believe me. Just because I'm 13 they don't trust me. So I've got another month of pointlessly trying to live.
Just call it one of those days.
How unfair.
They should be pleased you wanted to go to church.
But taking your guitar, that's just. Horrible.
But whatever happens, don't kill yourself.
padfoot, January 23rd, 2009 at 12:54:34pm
Your parents were being unfair by taking away your bass. But maybe just maybe there is part of them that cares and wants you to learn "obedience" so you don't end up causing more problems for yourself when your older.
That was the parents pov
This is mine
Your parents had no right. Killing yourself isn't the answer hunny trust me I've been there a lot and doing it only makes it worse when you wake up. Don't do anything that drastic, a month isn't that long away. You can do it you just have to shake off their words and think to yourself " They've got it all wrong"
schooldropout, January 21st, 2009 at 10:23:12am
If people rip on you, completely ignore them. You're better than that. And there's always going to be someone who cares. Heck, everyone who comments this blog cares, I promise you. If you're not getting good grades, it doesn't matter, so long as you're giving it your best shot. And like Dani said, that's a really unfair thing for your parents to do. Although it may be hard, be positive. You will get Michael back, and when you do, you'll feel really happy, and you'll make up for all the time he was gone. (:
Skippy., January 20th, 2009 at 09:41:45pm
When those days turn into weeks and those weeks turn into months and those months turn into years, I'm sorry to say you might get used to it. I positive you mean no harm on the world, just your parents are unbelievable. Killing yourself would do you and especially everyone else that really cares about you no good. I for one, would terribly miss you, and so will Flynn. I promise. And for as your parents, something really bad would happen to them either now or later. And you who suffer all I can say is something that's bad always leads to something good, no matter how long it takes. Try not to kill yourself, you still have dreams to live for. I wish you the best of luck.
Spider Billie, January 20th, 2009 at 08:50:45pm
:/ awh hun.
that's totally unfair of them to do that to you.
but hey, life can royally suck ass sometimes.
and sometimes, parents really DON'T understand.
as for the self-esteem portion, I can totally relate.
those 'one of those days' is my every second of every day.
I won't get into how low my self esteem is, but I can't think of one thing that I like, that I'm good at. I can't even fathom the thought that I'm worth anything. Just thinking I might be anything but disgustingly hideous, fat, useless and a waste of space makes me gag because I feel it's so untrue. I understand how you feel with the self-esteem. I'm here if you'd like to talk. about anything. hang in there, and please don't try to kill yourself again. i've had many attempts, and in the end the suffering pays off and something good will happen. < 3
Bubble Wrap., January 20th, 2009 at 07:30:30pm