Lacrymosa...

life is so weird.

i never thought my life would be like this. never thought my heart would be broken by some crazy guy with a kid or two. and i never thought i'd get drunk all the time. and i never thought i'd smoke a cigarette. and i never thought college would be like this. i never thought i'd be this kind of girl.

drinking is really fun. but hangovers aren't. I spent Valentine's day puking my guts out every five seconds. i drank a lot on Friday. I wanted to drink away the pain. I saw Chris...and I saw Lily, his maybe kid. But he didn't let me hold her, in fact he didn't even acknowledge my existence until Jackie, his ex-wife/wife was completely gone, taking the cute three day old baby away. am i really that insignificant to him? just another pawn, right? to make himself feel better. to ease the pain of being alone. there when he needs me, thrown aside when he doesn't...

so an old ex-boyfriend brings over a shit-ton of alcohol cause he knows i'm depressed. i get quite intoxicated and invite my friend Margo over. she decides to hook up with the ex. i don't really mind because i am not attached to him at all, we dated about three years ago for just a month. but it is a little weird seeing my two worlds collide, high school and college. for some reason i get the idea to invite my friend Eddie over. now Eddie is this skinny white kid who wears these gangsta hats and skate shoes...lol. he's really shy and quiet but really polite. he always walks me back to my dorm, no matter how cold it is outside, whenever i am anywhere on campus other than my dorm. he's sweet...and my own age. he lives on campus, of course. no kids, no baggage. likes to drink and smoke weed, but isn't a druggie at all, if that makes sense. really laid back...

so anyway...Eddie comes over and i'm REALLY drunk. i fall out of my moon chair and knock over a smirnoff and really just make a fool of myself. i apologize to Eddie because he's the only one i care to impress. Margo has seen me drunk many times and my ex...well i just don't care. my ex decides it would be smart to tell Eddie that i like him when i left the room...Eddie apparently says he doesn't know if he likes me like that...i'm a little upset.

i don't want a boyfriend right now. first of all, Chris tore me to pieces. and second, i'm still pathetically wishing and waiting for him to come back. i know i need to just let go, but i can't. i see him and i die a little more inside but i cling on for dear life. but why? why do i like him...i need someone like Eddie. someone who actually has manners and gives a shit. Eddie is just a friend yet he treats me like i'm worth something, like he cares. I barely know the kid but he's been sincere and sweet from the beginning...

I can't decide if i like Eddie as more than a friend. At first i thought, no way. This kid seems weird. then i figured out he's just quiet and kinda shy...and now i respect and admire him. my next boyfriend has to be someone like Eddie, a nice guy for once...i can't fall for another jerk, another Chris McCoy...

It kind of kills me a bit that Eddie might think i like him. And it kinda kills me a bit that he said he doesn't know if he likes me as more than a friend. Idk if i believe it or nto...i mean he was talking to my ex, what was he supposed to say? Eddie invites me over sometimes. He is always polite and walks me back, like i said. I've caught him staring at me in the cafeteria many times. but of course all that really doesn't mean that much. Its shocking and rare, but there are guys who respect girls. and maybe i'm just weird looking so he stares. and maybe he just wants to be my friend. but i laugh and smile and feel good when he's around. he smiles at me back...oh how i wish i could just be happy again

with or without a boyfriend i wish things could just go back to normal...

but what in the world is normal and how do i know i've found it?

i guess i'll keep looking...

and in this short life, there's no time to waste on giving up
my love wasn't enough