I fucking hate it.
Where do I fucking go? I feel like I was dropped down into this stupid hole again. I fucking hate it all.
He doesn't want me to go back with him. Well, hey, that's like a smack to the fucking face. Thanks, buddy. I was so fucking determined for this to happen. So ready. I had all these plans, all these wonderful dreams.
I guess that's why they are called dreams, huh?
[b]Definition:[b/]
1. sequence of mental images during sleep: a sequence of images that appear involuntarily to the mind of somebody who is sleeping, often a mixture of real and imaginary characters, places, and events
Of course, there's more than one meaning. But I had a dream about him. The one where you're in the REM sleep, and images and scenarios happen. Yeah, that kind of dream.
And I was in Germany. It was so wonderful there. Everything was so fit, and the scenery was so beautiful.
It was a nice dream. Too bad it will just be that. I did not even THINK that he wouldn't want me along. Never did it cross my mind. All I wanted was to get the money and the permission so I could do so. All I've thought about since it was brought up, which was in December or so. It gave me a false sense of security. Of course, I never knew it was false. I thought it was possible to do this trip before my senior year, and just go out and enjoy myself. He'd be with me, I'd get to meet his family, his friends, and all that.
But nope. I mention it the other day, and he says he doesn't want me to go.
Would he have ever said anything to me, or would I have been an ignorant moron, saving up, getting my permission and my ticket, then realizing he didn't even want me with him?
Somehow, I find it would have been the second one. I would've become so eager and happy, then he would have just dumped it on me like a fucking ton of bricks. Or boulders. Crushing all my god damn hopes. I guess he already did so, though. I guess it's good that I don't have the tickets or any shit.
Not that it makes a difference. I still wanted to go. I wanted to go before my senior summer. I wanted to go while I still thought about him, while he still gives a shit. After a year, he'll likely forget, and so will I. He doesn't want me to go back. I can't get it out of my head. I can't. It hurts so god damn bad. My well being just can't be well all on its own, apparently.
I hate having this stupid reliance on other people, on their every damn word. Mostly his, since I'm head over heels for him.
What is the point of feeling anything, when somehow, I constantly get shoved back into the hole?
I'm sure this is going to be my grave. I've been here before, many, many times. It always gets deeper, and it's always darker.
I'm stuck here. I wish I knew how the fuck to get out.
He doesn't want me to go back with him. Well, hey, that's like a smack to the fucking face. Thanks, buddy. I was so fucking determined for this to happen. So ready. I had all these plans, all these wonderful dreams.
I guess that's why they are called dreams, huh?
[b]Definition:[b/]
1. sequence of mental images during sleep: a sequence of images that appear involuntarily to the mind of somebody who is sleeping, often a mixture of real and imaginary characters, places, and events
Of course, there's more than one meaning. But I had a dream about him. The one where you're in the REM sleep, and images and scenarios happen. Yeah, that kind of dream.
And I was in Germany. It was so wonderful there. Everything was so fit, and the scenery was so beautiful.
It was a nice dream. Too bad it will just be that. I did not even THINK that he wouldn't want me along. Never did it cross my mind. All I wanted was to get the money and the permission so I could do so. All I've thought about since it was brought up, which was in December or so. It gave me a false sense of security. Of course, I never knew it was false. I thought it was possible to do this trip before my senior year, and just go out and enjoy myself. He'd be with me, I'd get to meet his family, his friends, and all that.
But nope. I mention it the other day, and he says he doesn't want me to go.
Would he have ever said anything to me, or would I have been an ignorant moron, saving up, getting my permission and my ticket, then realizing he didn't even want me with him?
Somehow, I find it would have been the second one. I would've become so eager and happy, then he would have just dumped it on me like a fucking ton of bricks. Or boulders. Crushing all my god damn hopes. I guess he already did so, though. I guess it's good that I don't have the tickets or any shit.
Not that it makes a difference. I still wanted to go. I wanted to go before my senior summer. I wanted to go while I still thought about him, while he still gives a shit. After a year, he'll likely forget, and so will I. He doesn't want me to go back. I can't get it out of my head. I can't. It hurts so god damn bad. My well being just can't be well all on its own, apparently.
I hate having this stupid reliance on other people, on their every damn word. Mostly his, since I'm head over heels for him.
What is the point of feeling anything, when somehow, I constantly get shoved back into the hole?
I'm sure this is going to be my grave. I've been here before, many, many times. It always gets deeper, and it's always darker.
I'm stuck here. I wish I knew how the fuck to get out.
Maybe he only said he doesn't want you to go cause he's nervous about you meeting his family, or he doesn't want you to go through financial trouble for him.
Perhaps if you talk to him about how you really want to go, and tell him why now is the best time for you study wise, and tell him that you've been saving up just for this and that you want to go with him.
Don't give up. =]
waiting_a_long_time, March 1st, 2009 at 03:10:03am
:/ That blows.. Feel better soon.
Skippy., March 1st, 2009 at 01:08:02am
:( Clare bb :hug:
I'm sorry. What a douche thing to do.
Olivia Wilde., February 28th, 2009 at 10:43:52pm