We're just on a random walk. It's dark. It's cold. We hold each other's hands, dancing and singing and just enjoying being stupid.
Suddenly, Fanny gets serious and turns to me.
"We're gonna walk past Axel's house."

It's like everything that has to do with him has become taboo. My friends know how to act when it comes to your name. Gestures, looks and other words are used when speaking of you.

Fanny looks scared to hurt me. I shrug my shoulders and try to seem unmoved, like I always do when I hear about you. I have developed the emotions of a brick wall. I no longer show my feelings when it comes to love. I'm afraid of uttering myself before I know it's true; I'm sick of tricking myself. I'm sick of causing my own disappointments. I'm sick of expecting too much.

So we walk on. A bit more quiet. Fanny and Marie walk a few metres further on; Sigrid and I are walking slower. I count the houses. I have tried, but never suceeded, to forget where you live. I have tried to remove you from my life. I want to start from zero. I want a clear body without scars and tattoos.
23. My heart skips a beat. 25 will be the next.
But I'm glad to see nobody's home. Of course he's out having fun on a Friday night. I rest my eyes on the door; it's hard to keep focused on it as there are no light sources.

The next second means shock. I'm just precisely exactly in front of the door, and it's opened. My blood freezes even colder; my eyes stare so that they sting, just for this very second, when my world's enchanted.
There's light from hall flowing out. His silhouette against it is jet black. I see the contoures from his messy hair, his small nose, his shoulders, and the guitar that he clutches. I clearly see the strings sprawling from the guitar head.
He's so beautiful, he's so so beautiful, will anyone ever see him like I do?

This second, this scene that will run inside my eyelids forever, is disenchanted.

I start to run. I'm shocked with this irony, this ultimate hazard, and it doesn't make me feel lucky. I scream out loud; my lungs still ache now, hours later. I scream Fanny's name, because she was the one to talk of his house. My legs by instinct carry me past my friends, I run whilst screaming, I could run for miles. I just have to leave that wonderful silhouette a few more metres behind. Avoiding suddenly becomes my addiction.

I have never before in my life run so fast.

I start to realize that I will regret this. I feel the pain of remorse. I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing.
I take a quick look over my shoulder; I see him crossing the street to go to his friend's house. Shame wells over me. He must have recognized my voice; he must have recognized my heartless laughter after stopping.

It's just like it was meant to happen. You were supposed to open that door just as I walked by.
But I can't be supposed to never let you go. I can't be supposed to constantly think of your for three years. I can't be supposed to compare everyone to you. I can't be supposed to flee from beautiful silhouettes.

Will this ever go away? Will I ever be sure in advance how I'm going to act?

I wish your name wasn't taboo. I wish we still were friends.
Posted on March 6th, 2009 at 06:38pm


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