A Letter Concerning an Abusive Relationship

Dear sallaD,

I need you to understand that in what I am going to say I am not being rude, insensitive, or mean. I am being blunt.

I, along with the rest of our friends, am very concerned about you. This must seem very repetitive and redundant, but I think you don’t get the point that we’re trying to make. We (your friends… Remember us?) all love you very much. We aren’t hell bent on making you unhappy. It’s actually quite the opposite, Dallas. We are trying to make you happy!

I know that you love Skylar; I don’t doubt that. The way he’s actually been changing you, some ways for the worse, is wrong. We wouldn’t have spoken up in the beginning without good reason. All the signs are there, Dalai Llama. He’s isolating you, intimidating you and dominating you. Those three are signs of an abusive relationship.

“Isolation: He’s increasing your dependence on him by cutting you off from the outside world. He may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.” When he said he gets jealous of you going on MSN, when you spend time with your guy friends, or when you go to cheerleading… that’s what he’s doing. We’ve noticed that you haven’t had any Facebook activity since January 27th, 2009. He’s also pushed us out of your life by insisting that you spend so much time with him. Skylar may not expressly say “I don’t want you going on MSN anymore”, but his reactions to you going on MSN make you want to stop it just to please him. Do you remember when Anthony came down for Christmas break? Do you remember that phone call we had at 12AM about you not wanting to make him jealous? In effect you had to ask him permission to see Anthony. You did not literally ask “May I go with Roslynn to see Anthony?” but by looking for his approval you pretty much did. He controls what you do. When he says that he wants you to quit cheerleading, he’s jealous that you find enjoyment in something else other than him, he’s jealous of your friendship and companionship with the girls at cheerleading and he’s jealous of the time you’re not spending with him. He’s not going to want you to quit badminton because he can keep an eye on you there. He wants you all to himself, which is wrong. He wants you to depend solely on him. Whether he knows all of this in his mind or not, it’s true. By buying you the cell phone and paying for it, he’s watching who you call or text and he can check up on you wherever you are. Again, he might not be literally asking “Where are you? What are you doing? Do I still have control over you?”… But it’s there.

He is giving you something you don’t get a lot of at home- attention. You don’t get your mom’s or dad’s full attention at home at all. He’s probably saying that “Oh, I just care about you, that’s all”. He very well might actually love you. But trying to change you, not supporting you and controlling you shows that there’s something wrong in the situation. If he’s trying to change you so drastically, what is he saying? That he doesn’t like who you are? You’ve started to swear (which you did specifically because he asked/told you to), done your hair the way he wanted, and I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that you’ve started to drink pop again. I don’t think you realize how extreme these changes are! You aren’t your usual bubbly self anymore. I can tell you aren’t happy in the relationship and he isn’t either. If being with him doesn’t make you completely happy, it’s not right.

“Emotional or psychological abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Its aim is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse-sometimes even more so. Furthermore, emotional abuse usually worsens over time, often escalating to physical battery.”

Physical abuse or battering is a crime. If he’s hitting you, get help now. It isn’t right. You do not deserve to be hurt. I don’t know what’s going on in your mind but please, dear God, don’t let him hit you. If he hits you once, he will hit you again.

According to the internet, a few warning signs of domestic violence are:
-frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents”
-frequent and sudden absences from work or school
-frequent, harassing phone calls from the partner
-fear of the partner, references to the partner’s anger
- Personality changes (e.g.: an outgoing woman becomes withdrawn)
- Excessive fear of conflict
- Submissive behavior, lack of assertiveness
- Isolation from friends and family
- Depression, crying, low self-esteem

Dally-ally-allas, we all love you. I miss you so much. It’s been hard without you. I’m not going to force you to do anything. I’m not going to force you to make a decision between him and us. I just want you go understand what is going on. He is abusing you, Dallas. Why didn’t you want me to know about him wanting you to stop cheerleading? Were you worried I’d intervene again? I’m not being a nosy bitch, sticking my nose in places it doesn’t belong. I care about you so much and I don’t want you to be hurt. He is hurting you, I hope you realize. I think deep down you know I’m right.

If you decide to talk to me again, I’m here for you. If you need help ending the relationship, I’m here for you. The same goes for all of your friends. I love you. Please understand that.

I miss you.

Love, Roslynn
Posted on March 31st, 2009 at 09:14pm


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