You've Changed?

You keep telling me the same things: "You've changed." "You're a completely different person." "You're supposed to be my friend." "What happened to the Skylar who___?" "Until you're you again we'll call you Ralyks."

Do you have any idea how hypocritical that is? Everyone changes, you especially!

Flynn, how many different guys have you liked in the past two years, even if it was only for a breif time? How many different idols have you gone through? Matt Flynn, Bob Bryar, Joe Trohman, and those guys I forget? How many times have your views on whatever changed?

And Erin, how many religions have you gone through? Roman Catholic, Atheist, Satanist, Jewish, Agnostic, Goatanist! You actually worshipped "The all-knowing Goat Hoigenjoiterpheil"! (Which you got from me, from my joke)

But have I ever called you on it? No. Sure, I joked around. "They're going to have to start making up new religions, you're running out fast." and stuff like that.

But if my views change once, you flip out. For the past, what, year, all you've been saying is, "You've changed."

No duh I've changed! Nobody's the same person forever! We all change, but I'm the only one who ever gets called on it! Just because I talked to Lindsey and said she was nice, you start calling me "Ralyks," my name backwards. I hate you so much for it, you have no fucking idea. You have no ficking idea how much you're hurting me every freaking time you say I changed.

Maybe you don't know, maybe you do. If you do I just hate you more. If you don't you're a pathetic friend. Sometimes I feel like you don't even fucking care.

And I'm sure you've heard, I'm sure I've said it at least once:

When I was a little kid I strived to make everyone happy. So much so that I was a different person around different people. I didn't even know I was doing it! Around daddy I was "Daddy's girl". Around mummy I was "Mummy's angel." Around Auntie Donna I was "Sweet little Sky-ann" and so on and so on. Around every different kid at school I was a different person. I needed someone to care, so I threw away myself without knowing it. Call me pathetic, I don't care. You've already done worse.

Now I'm cursed. After that I had to start fresh. I had to try to be myself, but there was nothing left to work from but little snippets of how I should be. So I went mad. Then Green Day threw everything into perspective for me, mostly, and I could do the rest. But I'm cursed to change forever. I can never be the same. Ever.

You know this, but you don't care! And you say I treat you like crap and I'm not a real friend. I've heard some of your other friends making jokes at my expense. I've told you stuff and you didn't care. You just brush everything off, or pretend to listen. You never even talk to me anymore. Erin, you never pick up your phone! Flynn, you're always busy! And then I'm just supposed to throw everything away to call you. If something comes up, "You've changed. You're not a real friend. Blablabla." I've heard it all before. It's all I hear anymore!

You guys just don't care that you hurt me. I don't think I make it too obvious when I'm in pain. That's the beauty of being a changeling: Everything's fake. Everything's just an act put on so nobody really knows what's going on behind closed doors. I'll always know what to do to get someone off my back, but I'll pretend I have no idea. I'll deal with assholes and stumble through an explanation and do God-knows-what, but it's all an act. I already know what to do, but pretending that I don't keeps closed doors closed. So yeah, you're right. I am manipulative. But around you I pretend to deny it.

Do you know how much it sucks to be as manipulative as me? You have no idea what's real and what's a product of something you did. "Oh, that's a nice picture." Is it, or are you just telling me what I want to hear? I hate getting compliments because I know that they probably aren't true. Somewhere along the line I manipulated some person into complimenting me somehow, probably without even knowing I did it, and therefore it's not real. That's why I feel so inferior. Do they really mean it? There's no way for me to know. Ever.

The only place I can be open is on GSB. The only place that I know everything is real is GSB. I write to people who don't care if I'm not the same person I was yesterday. I type blogs to anyone who'll read. I post on the forums and upload fanart and backgrounds and layouts and God-knows-what. And I always feel like I belong. Like there's someone who cares, someone who'll actually listen to me. Someone who's response to everything isn't just "You've changed."

So you know what? I'm not even going to talk to you tomorrow. You'll ask me what's wrong and I'll say you should already know. You'll snap at me and I'll snap back and we'll be pissed at each other all day. It'll finally end when I feel even more alone than usual and just apologize a million times and you'll finally be concerned with what's wrong when you're done being pissed, or when I refuse to leave the bathroom or break down crying on the spot and you finally care about what you've caused me.

So when I don't even talk to you tomorrow, don't blame me if you don't know why. If you want to know you should keep up with my blogs.