What do you do when you know you are living a lie?

The past two weeks have been a real emotional roller coaster to me. In this short amount of time, an acquaintance has became a friend then a best friend then someone who I am afraid I am truly falling for...Unfortunately, this has started a major mess of lies and dishonesty, something totally against my character.

The man I am falling for is my friend's boyfriend. And they have been dating for almost 6 years now. When he started really talking to me, things changed a lot. He has been having a lot of problems with his girlfriend...they almost broke up. And I think he's latched on to whoever is closest, meaning me. Flirty texts that he would send to anyone (he's just a naturally flirty guy) became deep texts about himself. When we started talking, we just clicked. We are a lot alike, and under any other circumstance we would be a great match. He picked up on this before I did...and his little texts have turned into ones that are deleted when he walks in the door and begin again once he leaves. She got mad at him before anything started happening for texting me all night and I think that caused him to lash out at her by texting even more during the day. All day, every single day. From the minute he walks out the door to go to work until his head hits the pillow we talk. He gets away with it at home because his gf texts me too, a lot of the time. Not to mention I'm sure he lies about who he is texting. Which is making things so much worse for me.

He is the sweetest guy I have ever met and he would never in a million years cheat on his girlfriend...and I would never let him. But he is also not trying to break up with her. He's trying to have me emotionally and her physically, though I know if he wasn't with her he'd want me physically too. This all sounds crazy, I'm sure. Believe me, it sounds crazy to me too. I would have never done something like this in the past, until I met him.

No one has ever respected me and cared about me as much as he does, and with little motivation to do so. But we will never be together. I get it, I'm the girl she is not. I am what he wants, but he has her. I am, more or less, what he wishes she was. She has his heart, but I am something new and exotic, something rare to find but he didn't find soon enough. Six years ago I was just a 13 year old kid and he fell in love with her. He didn't know me, and if he did I wouldn't be like I am now. I am just like him and I know how he thinks and she just doesn't get it. But she loves him, she really does. If I was with him, I think we would be great. But I'm not sure if we would have fallen for each other any other way. He is at a time in his life where stuff just isn't seeming right or fair. When his world crashes down, she doesn't know how to fix it and he found someone who does...or the thinks I can. I'm not saying I'm better than her, because I'm not. They have made it this long for a reason. But I am different, an entirely different person than she is and something he has never found. Does that make it right? Not at all.

Today I hung out with his girlfriend, all day. I felt like such a liar because I deleted my inbox full of nothing but texts from him as I walked up the stairs into her apartment. He does it every day. She would take even normal texts to mean something more, but these she would flip out about. And I honestly wouldn't blame her. Last night he made up a lie that was really pointless. He's doing that a lot lately. I was going to let him borrow my xbox so he was going to come pick it up. A normal thing that would happen with any of my friends. He told her that but added that I was borrowing a movie so she would suspect less. Then we drove around for about 20 minutes talking about everything I needed to talk about. The whole going behind his girlfriend's back thing. He told me that I understood him where she didn't and that he was going to try to patch things up with her. If it didn't work, he would definitely date me. I accepted it, relieved that he wasn't going to break up with his girlfriend for me. But I keep thinking about it more and more, and I just don't know what to do.

I adore him so much its sick. I just want him to be happy, and if that means with her so be it. And if that means he talks to me all the time...fine. But when he says things about how he would date me under different circumstances it absolutely kills me...and makes me think maybe I shouldn't be talking to him the way I do. Seeing him with his girlfriend today made me feel so awkward. She told him she loved him a billion times and he said he loved her back. The feeling was like none I had ever had before. It wasn't jealousy, because jealousy is when someone else is getting something you think you deserve...but it was this empty feeling...a feeling like nothing will ever be right. How can you say "I love you" to one girl then turn around and tell another you absolutely adore her, think she is gorgeous, and wish you could be with her if only things were different...I think I know...I don't think he realizes that I am getting some serious feelings for him out of this that he can't return without being a cheater.

I'm sweet and kind towards him, and I think he just thinks I'm that kind of person. But I think so much of him that I couldn't possibly act any other way. I never ever flirt back with him...and I think he thinks thats because I don't like him the way he likes me. Indeed, that is part of it. I like him more than he likes me. I like him enough that I would lose his gf as one of my best friends if I could be with him. I don't know what it is about him but he is like no one I have ever met. Its scaring me so much, I don't want to fall for someone I will never have. I'm starting to think I'm too far gone.

We are both leading horrible double lives. To the world, he is her boyfriend and my friend. We talk on Facebook through status comments and I see him a few hours a week when I'm with his girlfriend. I am one of his girlfriend's best friends. But inside we can't stop talking to each other. I am someone he would have loved to be with if things were different. He is someone I have always dreamed of knowing, always dreamed would one day be mine. That dream just won't come true from me, and this is it. I have never met someone who I connected with better than Storm until I met Him. I don't think there is anyone else out there like Him.

The obvious problem with this is that even if we did date someday he would do the same thing he is doing to his girlfriend to me. Do I really want a liar as someone to spend my life with? Part of me is holding on to the possibility that this is the only time it has ever happened and it is because he found in me something he has never seen in anyone else. Another part is telling me that he is just using me and the longer I let him the better his relationship with his girlfriend will get because he won't have to pry out of her the things I willingly give (nothing sexual has ever happened between us, btw, this is all about emotions). He is emotionally cheating on his girlfriend. He is using my emotions to feed what he thinks he needs and isn't getting from her. So I predict things will seem all better between him if I let this happen. If I leave, maybe they will go back to being shitty and he will find me, maybe not. If I stay, I am giving him what he wants. One girl's emotions and another girl's history.

I just don't know how I can leave him. I don't know how I can do this without killing myself and killing him. He is sad when he can't talk to me for a day, I would crush him if I told him I didn't want to talk to him at all. I promised him I'd always be there for him. And I want more than anything to keep that promise, but how can I? He is leading me on, straight into a brick wall. And his girlfriend is right behind it getting everything I'm not. If this continues, I think I will get hurt so much. I can't be around them without getting that empty feeling, the feeling of being used.

I know if he knew he was hurting me this all would end. He has been completely honest with me if no one else...I haven't been honest with him. I need to let him know that he is hurting me because when he says he is too old and ugly for me and I don't really say anything back, I think he thinks its true. But its not. Six years is nothing to me, he is not old by any means. And he doesn't see himself the way I do. I don't think most people would see him the way I do. If I was shallow, I wouldn't find him attractive. But his personality just radiates and makes him so insanely gorgeous.

I don't understand the world. I don't understand God. Why would I be destined to meet this person who I just adore and love so much and who treats me like an angel, someone who is my knight in shining armor, who cares about me deeply..but he doesn't care about me enough to actually be with me.

I understand this is hard on him too...he already has someone, so I'm sure he's confused that he has found someone else that he could see himself with. I don't think he realizes how hard it is on me to watch someone you love love someone else...but keep you hanging on.
Posted on December 18th, 2009 at 01:50am

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