it's only just started.

there was a time when things were the best. this was fifth grade. the last time i remember honestly being okay. it's been four years. and all i can think about lately are the losses.
there's been so many amazing people i've seemed to cross paths with, so many amazing people that i've had intertwined paths with. but they all have something in common. our paths unraveled until it's two separate roads. just as it was beforehand but this time with the memories of the former. and then soon you forget. soon they're nothing more than what used to be. and then there comes a time when it all comes back to you. this is one of those times. this time i'm going to keep the anger boiling underneath my skin, the feelings of abandonment to a minimum.

you saved me. saved me from myself. showed me there is something more here than a small town with nothing to offer. and now we never talk, not ever. once a year maybe. and it's all reminiscing. no more new memories. and i get my hopes up every time. maybe, maybe we can be the same again. but that never happens, does it?

you brought the party back to my life. reminded me that yeah, it's okay to get wasted and bake cookies. now i wish i had never remembered that. because now you wish you never remembered me. it's working, isn't it?

i love you. and you know that. but you've betrayed me. everything isn't there anymore. you've ruined it all. and i love you for it. if it weren't for you, i wouldn't be my brooding self at this very moment. you've ruined me. someone always comes along that seems great, and then ruins me. and you know what? every time i come out stronger. it's a long process, and it hurts. and that's fine. it's worth it.

it's dark and gray and ugly outside right now. it's perfect weather for you. i remember when it would rain, you would talk to me. because you knew, that i needed it more than anything else. you knew just how much it killed me on the inside when it rained. you knew that i needed someone in general. now i don't. thank you. thank you for helping me get over that. thank you for making me feel loved, and needed, and wanted. thank you for being there and changing my life while you could. but now you're gone. you're not technically gone though, and that's what hurts the most. you're still there, i can still touch you, and see you, and hear your voice. but it's disconnected now. now the touches, and the sights, and that smell. and your voice have no meaning to me. because it feels like i have no meaning to you. i'm not okay. and i need you still. i loved you first. i loved you the most. i still do. i still do. i still do. i love you so much i'm willing to believe in god for you. i love you so much i would do anything for you. and i'm glad that we're not together. because you need her. i know that. she's happy, and she's okay. you're not. you need that. she fills everything that you need filled. i know that. and i'm so glad that you have her. you've always assured me that i'll have someone the equivalent of her. and i believe you. it will happen. thank you for giving me the will to believe you. thank you for letting me trust you while i could.

and then there's all of you. you know who you are. i've never actually met you. but it feels like i've known you since the beginning of forever. you've changed too. i remember this summer. was fucking priceless. i also remember every conversation last week was pricless. some things don't change. what has changed is the fact that i love every one of you even more. more than i ever thought possible. ever. i trust you more than anyone ever. just promise me you'll never leave?
Posted on December 22nd, 2009 at 04:57pm

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