Sweet sixteen

It's past midnight, so tomorrow is my birthday. 16 is not old, but scares the shit out of me. There is so much I want to have time to do, so much I want to see, so much I want to experience. Impatient energy becoming too much, spinning too fast, passes to apathy and I don't manage anything. Det är ett handikapp att livet, hoppet, ivern brinner för starkt. I'm unmotivated and don't know where to start, keep getting these impulsive kicks of inspiration but never complete them, I'm way too spontaneous, structure doesn't make me happy, but neither does the randomness in the long run. And I can't describe myself, because I don't really know for sure. Maybe since I'm so unplanned and rich in contrast.
When looking back on the latest years, I've had such a blast, but haven't gotten anywhere. Maybe I'm not supposed to, but I'm turning 16 and haven't gotten a centimetre on the way since the day I was 11 and wrote a letter to my future self about who I wanted to become, what I wanted to be like, what I wanted to achieve.

I'm insightful yet naive, a quick thinker yet realizing the truth too late, alert yet tired, I can't sit still but I'm good at concentrating, I can take responsibilites but prioritate other things, I'm restless yet easily entertained, I live for the moment but always look forward, I take life as it comes but need full control. I'm not getting anywhere, I'm soon 16 but standing on zero.

Out of a coincidence, I stumbled upon the sentence "being 15 never comes again". Suitable and depressing, because I don't want to. I want to be young, I'm so damn afraid of growing old.

Tomorrow, I'm going to dance and jump and scream and sing in front of a stage, it's going to be wonderful, and I'm going to be 15 just as much as I can. Before it's too late.
Posted on February 19th, 2010 at 09:29pm


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