I miss you and I hate myself.

I fucked it up so badly, and I'm sorry. I've known for so long that we are meant to be. I knew that you would come into my life the way you did. I knew we would get together and be together, but I didn't think it would be for such a short time. I've liked you for so long, wanted you for so long, and I still want you.
the flame has not faded since the day it was lit

And maybe it never will. I don't know. But fucking shit, I miss you. It hasn't even been a month that we've been apart, but almost. It's almost been one month. I've loved you for four years and I don't know what the future will bring. All I can do is live on optimism and hope. I hope to God that I will be with you again. You are the only person I've felt so connected with, ever. The only person I've ever felt so deeply for. I've felt like you could legitimately be a part of my life in the future, in a major way. I could picture marrying you. I could picture you and I in the mountains, being happy. I could picture it all, and I thought it was just a stupid fantasy.
And it was real, for a minute. And it went away, like some kind of euphoric dream. And although I am managing my life in a menial sort of way, I still miss you horribly. And now it's not because I don't want to be alone. This is legitimate.
I don't even WANT anyone else. I only want to be with you. It's weird. Usually when I get dumped, I want to jump right to someone else so I don't have the feelings of being alone.
Now I want just you.
And since you want to be alone, I'm respecting your decision. I love you deeply, and I respect you deeply.

Although I acted like a fool, I love you. I showed my impulsive and selfish side and I freaked you out. And I'm so sorry. But everywhere I go, everything I do, it reminds me of you. Every stupid fucking red truck I see, I think it's you. I always do a double take. Every time I hear the song "Banquet", I can hear you screaming out 'CAUSE YOU KNOW I'M ON FIRE WHEN YOU COME!"
I swear to God every damn moment of January-March, I can remember being with you. I swear it.
Every time I see the fucking sign for the highway that goes into the city, I think of you. I drive by that goddamn pizza place and think of you. I can't go into the city anymore. I dreamt that I saw you in the city, briefly, you were leaving and I was going into it. Which is weird, because I need to go there tomorrow to get my ticket.
You're in all of my dreams, every night for the past few months.
I've probably said this about other guys, but fuck that. I was stupid. I've liked you for four years. You've always been in the back of my mind, somewhere in the depths of my thoughts.
I can hear your voice in my mind sometimes. In my dreams, especially. I can see your smile. Your eyes. I feel your presence sometimes. I wish I would wake up to you, and see you. I don't know what will happen. You always said "babe, we've got nothing but time"
I hope you're right.

I have no idea what will happen in the future. I hope I get to talk to you again. I love you. I promise you I will not fuck up again if you gave me a second chance. I sound so god damn pathetic, but I need to vent. I need to write this. It looks so horrible, but it feels bad too. It hurts.
Posted on April 21st, 2011 at 02:33am


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