I wrote my first song when I was 12, and my writing style used to be a lot like yours. Except, I used metaphors more often. They're often quite powerful, I find.
And, sometimes, a rhyme isn't all that bad. It makes it seem more together and flow a little better. If you don't like that, use the syllable rule. Which means trying to keep all the lines within 3-5 syllables of each other. It works really well, too.
Not a bad effort overall, but metaphors would have painted an image that was much stronger and longer lasting.
Sara. This Board Is My Home Age: - Gender: - Posts: 31155
May 24th, 2006 at 11:22pm
As Sweet As Sin:
That's sooooo cool.
I love it.
Sylar Falling In Love With The Board Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 5703
May 24th, 2006 at 11:36pm
Underneath the cliche's there's something... If you worked on it, it could be good sweetheart.
Try using some different language techniques
Cutting is so overated. If you want to die so badly, shoot yourself. And, I'm not trying to be mean, it's just kind of pathetic to me, that's all. But the poem is still good, I just think what its about is pointless. But, good job, anyway.
billie's_little_jinx King For A Couple Of Days Age: 32 Gender: Female Posts: 2055
i also uesed to write poems like that....and now i just write them every once in a while. People used to read them and they were like, your really deppressing.
newagecarny Was Here Two Weeks Ago Age: 33 Gender: Female Posts: 42495
May 25th, 2006 at 03:15am
druscilla_armstrong:
I wrote this song while I was cutting, popping pills, contemplating suicide, etc.
Why are you saying this on a messageboard with 1486598746289 registered people?
Things like that are rather personal, mate.
What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451
May 25th, 2006 at 06:44am
Ella:
druscilla_armstrong:
I wrote this song while I was cutting, popping pills, contemplating suicide, etc.
Why are you saying this on a messageboard with 1486598746289 registered people?
Things like that are rather personal, mate.
Well, it does suggest that she’s one of those attention seekers.
(Not accusing you, dear. That’s just how it comes across.)
And about the poem. Or so called poem. That’s just venting, right?
So yeah, if to be judge as a poem it does suck. Badly. Use proper language first of all.
Then try to make it flow. If you like, use metaphors and if you don’t feel like using them
at least use some kind of poetic way to tell your message. The good thing about it is that
it’s easy to grasp and not hard to relate to, so that’s a plus. Overall it’s just plain bad though.
That doesn’t mean you can’t improve of course. So keep writing.
Sylar Falling In Love With The Board Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 5703
May 25th, 2006 at 10:19am
Ella:
druscilla_armstrong:
I wrote this song while I was cutting, popping pills, contemplating suicide, etc.
Why are you saying this on a messageboard with 1486598746289 registered people?
Things like that are rather personal, mate.
Sometimes it's easier to say these things on a message board- you don't know the people, you get either their unbiased sympathy or criticism. They feel no need to hold their tongues like your true friends if you see where I'm coming from
Brendon Urie.. King For A Couple Of Days Age: 37 Gender: Female Posts: 2394
May 25th, 2006 at 07:07pm
Mikko Lindstrom:
Ella:
druscilla_armstrong:
I wrote this song while I was cutting, popping pills, contemplating suicide, etc.
Why are you saying this on a messageboard with 1486598746289 registered people?
Things like that are rather personal, mate.
Sometimes it's easier to say these things on a message board- you don't know the people, you get either their unbiased sympathy or criticism. They feel no need to hold their tongues like your true friends if you see where I'm coming from
I don't care if people think I'm an attention seeker. I'm not. I no longer cut or make myself throw up. I was just explaining where the poem came from. But I have no problem talking about my past problems. I don't know why. I just don't see any problem with discussing them.
What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451
May 26th, 2006 at 05:26am
I didn’t say that I thought you were an attention seeker. It’s just that people who
do talk so carelessly about such things often only wants to be noticed.
Perhaps you have no problem talking about past problems
because it’s all in the past? It’s easier to say (things like) “I was suicidal”
than “I am suicidal“. I think the reaction you got was a result of the pretty
careless way you told everybody here that you’ve been cutting etc.
But what I’m actually trying to say here is: no hard feelings.
I never meant to offend you or anything (if you were offended).
Take care
spill_no_sick Falling In Love With The Board Age: 31 Gender: - Posts: 8588
May 26th, 2006 at 11:34am
Teh Coolest Mohican....:
Ella:
Ugh.
Give her some critisim at least, don't just go 'ugh'.
She could improve it!
no I think Ella gave the best reveiw. Suicide and emo poems are getting REALLY old in this forum.
spill_no_sick Falling In Love With The Board Age: 31 Gender: - Posts: 8588
May 26th, 2006 at 11:38am
druscilla_armstrong:
Mikko Lindstrom:
Ella:
druscilla_armstrong:
I wrote this song while I was cutting, popping pills, contemplating suicide, etc.
Why are you saying this on a messageboard with 1486598746289 registered people?
Things like that are rather personal, mate.
Sometimes it's easier to say these things on a message board- you don't know the people, you get either their unbiased sympathy or criticism. They feel no need to hold their tongues like your true friends if you see where I'm coming from
I don't care if people think I'm an attention seeker. I'm not. I no longer cut or make myself throw up. I was just explaining where the poem came from. But I have no problem talking about my past problems. I don't know why. I just don't see any problem with discussing them.
I don't want you to be offended by anything I say so: A lot of people here are tired of straight-forward suicide/anorexic/bullemic/emo/cutting/etc. poems. Where you just say everything straight-forward with nothing poetic other than incomplete sentences. If you need to vent through poetry I suggest the Journals. Title a journal: Warning: Cutting Poem.
That way the people who aren't sick of this know not to read it. That way they won't waste their time rolling emoticon eyes at you for writing a poem that sounds like half of the poems on here.
I'm saying this with your best intrest in mind. This really sounded like a journal as opposed to a Poetry forumm poem.
I just don't want people yelling at you for venting.
I never talk about past suicide problems in the forums, but my journals are riddled with them (I really only post journals in the summer anyway.)
I'll never ever tell a poet they can't write about any subject matter and it's stupid. I will tell you that there is more to poetry then dark emotions. Especially when nothing makes this one stand out, it's just kind of bland. If you choose to write "emo" poems, do it with vivid details and descriotive words, so it's different. Don't make it sound like everything else.
spill_no_sick Falling In Love With The Board Age: 31 Gender: - Posts: 8588
May 26th, 2006 at 11:53am
I_worship_tre_Cool:
I'll never ever tell a poet they can't write about any subject matter and it's stupid. I will tell you that there is more to poetry then dark emotions. Especially when nothing makes this one stand out, it's just kind of bland. If you choose to write "emo" poems, do it with vivid details and descriotive words, so it's different. Don't make it sound like everything else.
I'm just concentrated on her reputation on here.
She did this for venting but posted it as a poem that has been done a million times before...I don't want her turned away from GSB because she posted venting in a forum.
