Arranged Marriages and Dowry

An arranged marriage is a marriage that is established before involving oneself in a lengthy relationship, and often involves the arrangement of someone else other than the person getting married. Such marriages are common in the Middle East and parts of Africa and Asia. Other groups that practice this custom include the Unification Movement and royal families.


An arranged marriage involves the parents of the married couple to varying degrees:

In a forced marriage, the parents choose their son's or daughter's future spouse with no input from them. In this rare form of arranged marriage, if the son or daughter refuses the choice, he or she may be punished, or in rare cases, killed. In most such cases, the marriage simply takes place anyway, overriding the bride's or bridegroom's objections. Motivating factors for such a marriage tend to be social or economic, i.e., the interests of the family or community that are served by the marriage are seen as paramount, and the will of the individual is insignificant.

In a traditional arranged marriage (not forced), the parents choose their son's or daughter's future spouse with some input from the to be bride or bridegroom. If either the son or daughter refuse the choice, the parents tend to respect their wishes and choose another possible spouse. However, considerable pressure may be brought to bear to make the potential bride or bridegroom see the reasoning. The main motivating factor in such marriages is the happiness of the son or daughter, but viewed from a paternalistic/maternalistic angle ("Parents know best".

In a modern arranged marriage, the involvement of the to be bride or bridegroom is considerably more. Parents chooses several possible candidates. The parents will then arrange a meeting with the family of the prospective mate, and the couple will often have a short, unsupervised "date". The will then eventually choose whom they wish to marry, although parents may exert small degrees of pressure on the child to make a certain choice of which they approve. The happiness of the child is the main concern, and the parents see their role as responsible facilitators and well-wishers.

A modern arranged marriage with courtship is the same as the above, except that the children have a chance to get to know each other over a longer period of time via e-mail, phone, or multiple "dates", before making a decision. It takes considerably more courage on the part of the parents as well as the to be spouses to go through this process. Some girls actually prefer a short courtship as they fear the stigma and emotional trauma of being rejected after a courtship.

Finally, in an introduction-only arranged marriage, the parents will introduce their son or daughter to a potential spouse. The parents may briefly talk to the parents of the prospective spouse. From that point on, it is up to the children to manage the relationship and make a choice.

In almost all of the above cases, except the forced marriage and the traditional arranged marriage, the son or daughter is free to ignore the process and find a mate on their own. The parents then tend to take over and handle the logistical and financial aspects of the union.

In many cultures that are modernising, many young adults increasingly tend to view arranged marriage as an option they can either fall back on if they are unable or unwilling to spend the time and effort necessary to find a spouse on their own or even a superior alternative to seeking a spouse than social dating. The parents then become welcome partners in a hunt for marital bliss. In cultures where dating, singles' bars, etc., are not prevalent, arranged marriages perform a similar function--bringing together people who might otherwise not have met. Further, often for in several cultures, the 'last duty' of a parent to his or her son or daughter is to see that they pass through the marital rites.

Sometimes, the term "arranged marriage" is used even if the parents have no direct involvement in selecting the spouse. This could mean a meeting through a matchmaking site or third party. In several communities, often priests or religious leaders as well as trusted relatives or family friends play a major role towards matchmaking.

In India, "Love marriages" are sometimes called "Self-arranged marriages", perhaps to avoid some of the negative opinions that are still held against young people choosing their own partners.

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K, all that is from Wikipedia. My parents and everyone in family (with the exception of one uncle) has had an arranged marriage. I have a feeling my marriage (yyeaaaars from now) will also be arranged.

Forced arranged marriage, I do not believe in AT ALL. I find that wrong. My parents had either a traditional or modern arranged marriage. I think it was traditional and they basically "dated" after their engagement. They have a healthy and happy marriage and two kick-ass kids (I'm the better kid). A traditional arranged marriage with a slightly large engagemet period and modern arranged marriage, I approve of. I think it's a healthy way to find a spouse and pretty much everyone I know who has had an arranged marriage doesn't seem to regret it. Except for my aunt, but that's a long story.

The problem with arranged marriages in India is dowry. Dowry is an age old tradition. In the North, it started as "streedhan", meaning "woman's wealth". It was something that the bride could take to her new home and call her own until she got settled down in her in-law's house. Now, people take whatever they want. Cars, houses, money, jewerly, golden toilets, all sorts of stuff is demanded from the bride's parents, and it's one of the country's hugest problems.

But when someone enters an arranged marriage for the wrong reasons (wealth, dowry, escape from being killed by your parents, etc), it can go horribly wrong. Um..are there any married people here? Your views?

Thanks for the clarification. XD

So I guess the marriages that girl was talking about were forced ones, which I don't think are healthy at all. Of course, unless both people want to go through with it, but then it wouldn't be forced, I suppose. Happiness can't be gained by force. She failed to mention that Arranged Marriages were voluntary too, and that was probably intentional, but she certainly had me fooled. XD

My society has no such arrangements, and marriages are pretty much all free will choices, but I can see the benefits of having your parents input.

Just out of curiosity, what society are you from? Like what country?

When we did Romeo and Juliet in eighth grade (back when I still lived in the US), we were discussing arranged marriage. So our teacher was like "How many of your parents had arranged marriages" as a joke and and every Indian kid except one raised his or her hand. I think there were like 10 of us in a class of 22. And the teacher's like "O_o...k. How many of you expect to have an arranged marriage?" and the same people raised their hands. So yeah. These are all people (including me) who grew up in the US and lived in the US at the time. So it's very...expected. And me and my Indian friends used to talk about how our parents would probably kill us if we even mentioned the word "boyfriend".

And I have a cute story. My dad used to have a moped and after they got engaged, he'd take my mom out to random places and yadda yadda. So one time, she was at her aunt's house. So my dad went there to pick her up and my mom decided she was going to be lazy and not go anywhere so her aunt tells my dad she's gone out and will be in like twenty minutes.

He spent two hours circling the neighborhood on his moped waiting.

lyrical_mess:

Just out of curiosity, what society are you from? Like what country?

I'm white and British.
I think for me, or any of my peers and our parents, it would be very unusual for any of us to have an arranged marriage. There are, of course, a huge number of asian/middle eastern people living within Britain now and many have British citizenship, so thats why I added the 'white' bit, not because I'm a supremacist or something.

my daughter goes to school with a young girl who's marrage has been arranged for her by her family, and she is so happy, the man is 25 years older than her, and she doesnt want to marry him, and why should she, unless the two people are happy to marry each other then that's fine, but if one of the two doesnt want it then they shouldnt have to,

marrage is for two people who love each other, i would never consider making my daughter marry a guy she doesnt love

Oh my god...is that legal? And that's a forced arranged marriage, probably for economic reasons.

I wouldn't mind an arranged marriage, as long as I got to know the dude first. I mean, my parents are happy.

lyrical_mess:

Oh my god...is that legal? And that's a forced arranged marriage, probably for economic reasons.

I wouldn't mind an arranged marriage, as long as I got to know the dude first. I mean, my parents are happy.

stastically arrange marriage have a lower divorce rate than ''normal'' marriage. Even in countries where divorce is not frowned upon, this is because the parents who choose for their daughter or son take in account all aspect of what married life would be. Like economic status, personality, looks and age. So those joined together really do have alot in common and maybe would have no met if it wasn't for their parents.

However religious marriages such as the moonies is a bit to farfetched even for me.

As long as both spouses are consenting then I do not object to it. It is an age old tradition which should be kept if wanted. Besides, all most parents usually ever want for their children is to be happy. It's not like they'll arrange a marriage to a bum. As long as both people have a say in it then I think it's OK.

I always find like 16 year old and 50 year old couples weird. You get them in Thailand a lot. All the farang (foreigners) looking for some new beef as a wife will ignore the generation gap usually.

Anji:

As long as both spouses are consenting then I do not object to it. It is an age old tradition which should be kept if wanted. Besides, all most parents usually ever want for their children is to be happy. It's not like they'll arrange a marriage to a bum. As long as both people have a say in it then I think it's OK.

I always find like 16 year old and 50 year old couples weird. You get them in Thailand a lot. All the farang (foreigners) looking for some new beef as a wife will ignore the generation gap usually.

That's sick. And it does happen a lot in lower caste/class communities and in Muslim families that don't have a lot of money. They want their daughter to marry someone rich so their daughter and grandchildren can be happy. And the guy sometimes ends up being some old fart.

Actually, this girl who lives above my grandpa got married. She's sixteen. They pulled her out of the eleventh grade to get her married and she's usually all happy-jolly. I talked to her. She told me they asked her if she wanted to continue school and she was like "uh...no." 'Course, maybe her in-laws just told her to say that, but whatever. Her husband is this 24 computer programmer guy. They seem happy. The legal age for marriage in India is sixteen for girls and 18 for guys.

Most of the problems from Indian arranged marriages, again, are from dowry. It's a sick system. People get beaten for refusing to give dowry.

[offtopic]
Also, is "farang" a Thai word? That is reallllly cool because the Hindi word for foreigner is "firangee" or "firang". And if you read the word "foreigner", without knowing the word, it sounds the same. for-en-ger. [/offtopic]

lyrical_mess:

Anji:

As long as both spouses are consenting then I do not object to it. It is an age old tradition which should be kept if wanted. Besides, all most parents usually ever want for their children is to be happy. It's not like they'll arrange a marriage to a bum. As long as both people have a say in it then I think it's OK.

I always find like 16 year old and 50 year old couples weird. You get them in Thailand a lot. All the farang (foreigners) looking for some new beef as a wife will ignore the generation gap usually.

That's sick. And it does happen a lot in lower caste/class communities and in Muslim families that don't have a lot of money. They want their daughter to marry someone rich so their daughter and grandchildren can be happy. And the guy sometimes ends up being some old fart.

Actually, this girl who lives above my grandpa got married. She's sixteen. They pulled her out of the eleventh grade to get her married and she's usually all happy-jolly. I talked to her. She told me they asked her if she wanted to continue school and she was like "uh...no." 'Course, maybe her in-laws just told her to say that, but whatever. Her husband is this 24 computer programmer guy. They seem happy. The legal age for marriage in India is sixteen for girls and 18 for guys.

Most of the problems from Indian arranged marriages, again, are from dowry. It's a sick system. People get beaten for refusing to give dowry.

[offtopic]
Also, is "farang" a Thai word? That is reallllly cool because the Hindi word for foreigner is "firangee" or "firang". And if you read the word "foreigner", without knowing the word, it sounds the same. for-en-ger. [/offtopic]

Continues with the off topicness. Yes, it's Thai, cause Thai originated fron Sanskrit like Indian and a bit of English. I forget the word for 'mother' and 'father' in Indian, but I remember...wait, I think I remember 'father' was somthing like paap or similar, in Thai it's paw, and in English you say 'papa'. It's all really similar.

[continues] It's "baap" in Hindi or "pitha" if you want to go into formal Hindi [done]

perhaps we should continue speculating through PM before Steph comes on and locks this.

'Baap', 'paap', same difference.

my friend did a project on womans rights in the middle east and she said in alot of middle eastern countrys in a girl gets raped and they are not marryed then thier whole famaly goes in shame and everyone goes agianst them. so parents marry off thier girls when the girls are like 10

That's normal too. Well, not "normal", but it's not unusual. Especially around the time when India partitioned into India and Pakistan. A lot of women were carried away, but the Muslim abductor people would not touch married women. So they were married off young.

My great grandmother was married when she was a year old. My great grandpa was sixteen at the time and climbed a tree because he didn't want to get married. My grandmother (who recently passed away) was married when she was 9. Imagine being married in the third grade. My aunt got married when she was fourteen to my grandpa's cousin's son.

And it's also a reason why a lot of young women don't report being raped. It's sad, really.

Also, Anji, "paap" means sin. That's not something you'd want to call your dad.

lyrical_mess:

Also, Anji, "paap" means sin. That's not something you'd want to call your dad.

You know what I mean!

I'm not Indian, that was still a good guess though, and my point still stands.

While I would not appreciate it at all, it is a part of Indian culture, and the decision on whether or not it is right for the daughter rests with her parents.

And of course, the daughter should have final say in the arrangements.

WeFoundTheDuck:

While I would not appreciate it at all, it is a part of Indian culture, and the decision on whether or not it is right for the daughter rests with her parents.

And of course, the daughter should have final say in the arrangements.

No, the daughter should decide whether or not its right for the daughter. I am an Indian daughter. I mean, I'd trust my parents to find me good, loving suitors, but the decision should be up to me as to whether I want to find my own husband or if I want my parents to find someone for me.

It is a part of our culture. It was originally there because parents know what it takes to have a marriage. So they can find someone who's right for their daughter/son with all the qualities that would make sure the couple gets along, develops a form of love, and maintains a healthy and long relationship.

But people have mutilated it so much. In so many instances, it's become about money, status, caste, dowry, "family honor", whatever excuses people cook up. And it's become sick, too. The educated families know how and what to do. But what about the poor ones and the lower castes? They're still being stomped down. Girl children are thought of as free slaves. They're married off young. Dowry is demanded. It just...rowigwoh!

lyrical_mess:

No, the daughter should decide whether or not its right for the daughter. I am an Indian daughter. I mean, I'd trust my parents to find me good, loving suitors, but the decision should be up to me as to whether I want to find my own husband or if I want my parents to find someone for me.

It is a part of our culture. It was originally there because parents know what it takes to have a marriage. So they can find someone who's right for their daughter/son with all the qualities that would make sure the couple gets along, develops a form of love, and maintains a healthy and long relationship.

But people have mutilated it so much. In so many instances, it's become about money, status, caste, dowry, "family honor", whatever excuses people cook up. And it's become sick, too. The educated families know how and what to do. But what about the poor ones and the lower castes? They're still being stomped down. Girl children are thought of as free slaves. They're married off young. Dowry is demanded. It just...rowigwoh!

The educated families were what I was basing my opinion on. I apologize.

While there are certain instances that I know of in which things have worked out, I see your point. The system is flawed, yes.

i have nothing agains it, but i dont plan to marry...ever, i dont believe that it would be the right thing for me, but as for people and arranged marriages, forced ones i dont believe are a good option but if the kids are okay with it, fine. as long as no one involves me in it, everything is allright