Internal Quarrel

I’ve been a bit busy but here’s a new poem. Constructive criticism and feedback, thanks
Btw, I’ll try to drop a comment at your poems ASAP.

Internal Quarrel

Hand pressed over ears
But the sound can only
Be kept inside,
Echoing.

Whispers mutilated into screams
Claw the back of my mind.
Sour ears are bleeding
With desperation
From the razor sharp thoughts
Deep down inside.

Webs of rationality are unable
To catch the raging storm.
Insane howls escape
By way of a chink
Cracking open in my features,
Disfiguring them.

Curling up inside, searching shelter.
From an avalanche of turmoil.

Murmurs from the depths
Rush towards shrieks,
Colliding
In a mess upon my psyche.

Wrapping my soul around me
As a blanket from better times,
Crawling away through
Scattered pieces,
Leaving the battlefield behind.

Twigg Violence.:

i REALLY like it!!!!!!

Thank you
Just remember 1#, please ^^

I liked it a lot.
Word use was great, and I loved the metaphors! And the imagery was great as well.

In this line:
Wrapping my soul around me
As a blanked from better times
I think you meant 'blanket.'
[i'm really anal with typos. XD]

<3 Sandy

Hand pressed over ears
But the sound can only
Be kept inside,
Echoing. to be honest, I liked the feel of this part but it was my least favourite stanza. So maybe, it needs to be...primped a bit?

Whispers mutilated into screams
Claw the back of my mind.
Sour ears are bleeding
With desperation
From the razor sharp thoughts,
Inside my head. my absolute favourite stanza, I liked the red part especially.


Cracking open in my features,
Disfiguring them. also a favourite line.




Wrapping my soul around me
As a blanked from better times,
Crawling away through
Scattered pieces,
Leaving the battlefield behind. As Morbidrose mentioned, I figured you meant blanket and not Blanked.

Anyway, overall, I've liked some of your other poems a lot more, but this was good as usual. I know I'm not that good at constructive critisms...but hope I helped ._.

"Crawling away through
Scattered pieces,
Leaving the battlefield behind."

I loved that part. Comparing an internal battle to an external battle. Very awesome

I thought it was great, just a few wee criticisms.

Whispers mutilated into screams

For some reason I don't think that mutilated was the best word to use there. I can't really explain it; it just felt...wrong, I guess.

In a mess on my psyche.

I think it would sound even better if you changed 'on' to 'upon'. Just me?

Overall, great job.

I changed the darn typo.

To Sandy: Thank you, dear. I hate typos as well.

To Misanthropist: Perhaps just putting the first stanza in italics might work? Otherwise, any other suggestions on how to improve it??

Thank you, and it does help

To Brendon Urie. [FDDrienne]: Thanks. It means a lot.

To Panda: I’m gonna keep it that way though because I’m stubborn like that =]
I was gonna put “upon”…*wonders why I didn’t*
Anyway, thank you sweetie ^_^

Webs of rationality are unable
To catch the raging storm.
Insane howls escape
By way of a chink
Cracking open in my features,
Disfiguring them.

Oh la la. I like it so much. No wonder why you're the moderator of this forum.
You've mastered pretty much everything you need to in poetry and above all, I enjoyed every damn bit of it.

'Wrapping my soul around me
As a blanket from better times,
Crawling away through
Scattered pieces,
Leaving the battlefield behind'.

WTF is up with that stanza? It's too awesome.

'Curling up inside, searching shelter.
From an avalanche of turmoil'.

And that. You have a way with words which is absolutely phenomenal considering English isn't your first language.

Criticism - 'By way of a chink'. I didn't like that. It was too forced and harsh in comparison with the rest of the poem. I'm not too sure yet what you could replace it with, but it was mainly the word 'chink' itself which I wasn't keen on...

Very good.

Quote

Whispers mutilated into screams
Claw the back of my mind.
Sour ears are bleeding
With desperation
From the razor sharp thoughts,
Inside my head.

The last line is redundant in my opinion.

Thanks Ella.

Why do you think that line is redundant?

Ginger Nuts:

'Wrapping my soul around me
As a blanket from better times,
Crawling away through
Scattered pieces,
Leaving the battlefield behind'.

WTF is up with that stanza? It's too awesome.

'Curling up inside, searching shelter.
From an avalanche of turmoil'.

And that. You have a way with words which is absolutely phenomenal considering English isn't your first language.

Criticism - 'By way of a chink'. I didn't like that. It was too forced and harsh in comparison with the rest of the poem. I'm not too sure yet what you could replace it with, but it was mainly the word 'chink' itself which I wasn't keen on...

Pssh I’ve just been watching you guys, studying how you combine words etc. I’m simply a fast learner. Anyway, thank you a lot. I’ve been struggling with that in the past so it’s a relief to know that I’ve gotten better.

About the criticism: Well, yeah I agree with you. I wanted to write “through a chink” but I wasn’t to keen on using “through” twice. And about the word chink. I had to look it up and since I didn’t know it from before I wasn’t able to find a more suitable synonym. But what about “crevice”? Or do you have a suggestion?

Winter Wonderland.:

Webs of rationality are unable
To catch the raging storm.
Insane howls escape
By way of a chink
Cracking open in my features,
Disfiguring them.

Oh la la. I like it so much. No wonder why you're the moderator of this forum.
You've mastered pretty much everything you need to in poetry and above all, I enjoyed every damn bit of it.

Thank you. I'm glad tha you appreciate my poetry. It means a lot

What's in a name?:

Thanks Ella.

Why do you think that line is redundant?

Because the rest just speaks for itself.

Ellaisonfire:

What's in a name?:

Thanks Ella.

Why do you think that line is redundant?

Because the rest just speaks for itself.

Know what? You're right. *changes*

What about something like 'through the pores of my skin', or if you didn't want to use through, you could use 'into'. I don't know, it was just an idea that suddenly came into my head. It would fit in with 'cracking open my features' too.

That’s a real good idea. I’ll think about it but I don’t know if I’ll change it.