You're My Little Secret, chapter 19
"So you broke Tre's heart into a million pieces." Mike stated as he glanced at me over his ever-present coffee cup. "Or at least I assume you did, he hasn't exactly been a picnic in the park lately, which has been fun for the rest of us."
I didn't answer him back as I burrowed farther into my oversized sweatshirt and pushed my sunglasses up on my nose.
"Fuck you." I finally muttered, but it didn't come out with as much conviction as I intended it to.
"He said he sat outside your apartment for like six hours, Ava. What the fuck were you doing?" Mike pushed for information as I eyed Estelle from where we sat about ten feet away on a park bench. She was playing with a friend of hers from next door, the two girls were happily taking turns climbing the ladder and sliding down the big red slide.
"It's complicated." I muttered regretfully as I took a sip of my coffee, which was spiked with vodka... it gave me moral support.
"That's bullshit." He countered back, crossing his arms over his chest and stretching his long legs out.
"Don't bully me, Mike. You're the one who made me fucking come to the park with you and Estelle. I was content to sit at home and... drink." I mumbled back as he sighed.
"Just level with me. Or better yet explain why you feel the need to torture not only Tre, but yourself as well. I mean, I have an idea but I would like to understand your reasons for giving yourself a mental breakdown."
I glanced over at Mike, his blue eyes fixed on me with curiosity, sympathy and a hint of annoyance.
"Do you feel like you need Adrienne's permission, is that it?" He pushed some more as I finished off my coffee and threw my cup into the trash receptacle next to me.
"I don't need her permission... and I didn't consider that to be a mental break down, by the way. It was a means to rid myself of some stressful emotions." I replied defensively as he rolled his eyes.
"Whatever helps you sleep at night, sugar."
I shot him a 'fuck off' look as he sighed and waved at Estelle who was giggling happily and waving at her dad from the swings. "Careful!" He called as she nodded and quickly turned back to her friend.
"How come you won't talk to me about this?" Mike asked as I continued to sit silently beside him, eyes closed behind my sunglasses, willing away my pounding headache.
"Mike... I just... I can't." I mumbled regretfully. "I don't know why."
He looked a little hurt as he shifted his attention back to his daughter. "So you're going to Las Vegas for the weekend, huh?" He asked after a moment of uncomfortable silence.
"Thank you for the subject change." I acknowledged gratefully before answering, "Yeah, Jamie, my ex-roommate as you know, wanted to have her bachelorette party there. Something about Sin City always seems to entice people to rent a ridiculously expensive suite, drink at a bar with strange men, and then take said strange men back to the overpriced suite for a night of bumping and grinding before getting married to the one they are supposed to love and cherish for the rest of their years." I mumbled bitterly as Mike broke into a big grin and reached over to poke me in the side.
"There's the cynical bitch I know and love. Welcome back."
I grinned over at him. "I'm still here. I'm just... hibernating for a bit. I need to figure some shit out, Mike." I wasn't really sure why I didn't want to tell Mike what was going on in my head, all I knew was that talking to people about certain things never really made a difference lately; they were just words. And sometimes hurtful ones, at that.
"We leave for Chicago tomorrow morning at 9." Was his simple response. But it held so much meaning that my breath caught in my throat.
"I know." I whispered as I pulled my knees up to my chest.
He looked doubtful and I could feel a swift kick in the ass coming on. "Do you? Do you realize that the next time you will see him may very well be in a couple of months when you have pushed him so far away that he resents you? That he can't forgive you? Damnit it all Ava, you're fucking up big time here."
I was rather surprised at his dramatic outburst. "Well for fuck's sake, don't hold back!" I shot back, feeling myself getting rather angry at his unnecessary and painfully astute observation.
"He loves you. You love him. What else do you need? An invitation? Some sort of written permission form?" He muttered sarcastically.
I was pretty sure that he was trying to instigate an emotional response, therefore plying him with information. And he was right on. "BECAUSE IT'S NOT RIGHT." I exploded suddenly, causing several children and their parents to look over in shock. I lowered my voice considerably in embarrassment as Mike continued to stare at me, unflinching. "I can't start something with Tre when things are so unsettled with Adrienne."
"I think it's a little too late to refer to it as 'starting something', don't you think?"
"When did you become the devil's advocate?"
"When the gentle shoves and the quiet nods failed you."
"I hate you."
"I hate that my best friends are breaking each other's hearts."
I paused for a moment and cringed. "I can't talk to him because I haven't talked to Adrienne." I finally admitted.
"That makes no sense."
He gave me a patient look as I pulled my sunglasses off and turned to him. "I can't very well pick him over Adrienne... not again." I replied, searching his eyes for some sort of understanding but I saw none.
"This isn't about choosing one or the other." His voice was unforgiving and impatient, but eerily calm.
"YES IT IS. I cannot be with Tre until my sister, who means the WORLD to me, acknowledges that I fucked up. Until we bitch, cry, forgive. I could never just start dating him without some sort of acceptance that I want him to be in my life as more than a friend... that I love him. I need her to tell me that she understands and is willing to get past this fuck up." I tried to convey how I felt but he looked unimpressed, something was definitely going on with Mike this morning.
"All of this never stopped you from fucking him in the first place." He spat out bitterly and clearly without a second thought. He immediately looked ashamed.
And suddenly I was on my feet and heading back towards the parking lot, to hell with this Q & A.
"Ava!" I heard him yell at my retreating back, an apologetic tone mingling within my name.
"I don't need your grief." I replied, whipping my head around to look at him. "I'm sorry you think that I'm fucking up your life here because Tre won't be a ball of joy on tour... " I stopped for a moment and almost smiled amongst my misery, "No pun intended. But I can't help it Mike, things are fucked up right now for me too. And I can't see losing my sister for good just to make myself happy. With that being said, don't you dare assume for one SECOND that I'm not crawling out of my skin with guilt. I love him for cripe's sake; it doesn't exactly make me happy that I'm hurting him in any way, that I can't call him up or talk to him because I'm afraid of what I'll say... or worse, what he'll say. But that's something I have to live with."
His face was regretful as he stood in front of me, unsure of what to say. "And I'm sorry if you don't understand where I'm coming from."
I thought I saw tears forming in his eyes as he cleared his throat and then, "Sidney and I broke up last night, hence my dickheaded behavior here today."
My jaw almost hit the ground as I stepped closer to him. "What?" I muttered, trying to wrap my brain around yet another broken tale within our tightly knit group. "What happened?"
He hung his head in misery and suddenly I understood his bitterness, his unforgiving words. He was heartbroken.
Join the club, man.
"Let's take Estelle home and we'll talk about it, okay?" I pressed as his silence loomed and his hands covered his face.
He nodded as I hooked my hand around his arm and led him back to the bench we were previously occupying.
We sat in my living room later on after dropping Estelle home, drinking beers and listening to classic rock on my computer.
"I'm proud of you, I know how hard it must have been to end it. But Mikey it's for the best." I muttered, about ten minutes after he had poured out the entire story of their break up the night before. Basically he had gotten fed up with feeling like he was an inconvenience to her, especially since she was constantly bitching that he was never home and that flying to see him was a pain her ass. He couldn't see starting another tour and having to fight the same obstacles over and over again. And finally almost two years later, they realized that they were two very different people heading in different directions, and sadly neither party was willing to compromise for the other.
I watched as he shrugged off the compliment. He was sitting on my couch with his head back, a beer in his hand, his eyes shut.
His lips barely moved. "I feel like complete shit."
"It's because you're a good person." I replied, perched on my desk chair, watching him intently as he took a sip of his beer. "You didn't plan for any of this to happen... and quite frankly you deserve better."
He looked doubtful. "Please don't badmouth her."
I shook my head even though he couldn't see it. "I'm not at all, I liked Sidney. She's intelligent and worldly but she knows precisely dick about maintaining a serious relationship. I mean, I'm no expert myself but I think she was a little too carefree with your heart, Mikey. And I also don't think either of you guys ever really got to know one another, which is amusing to me because I happen to be close to both of you and I think you're two of the easiest people to get along with." I teased lightheartedly as he brought his head off the couch in mock anger.
"That's mighty helpful, thank you Ava."
I smiled at him as he sighed, holding up his beer bottle. "Here's to the memories... and the great sex." He mumbled as he polished off his beer, glancing over at me when it was gone. "And thanks for listening."
I nodded as he stared down at his hands for a moment. "I think I owe you one for all the bitching I've done in the past, oh, 7 years."
He smirked and then his face went sullen again. "I just... I just really cared for her, you know? I loved her."
I felt my heart pull at his sorrow. Crossing the room I sat on the couch next to him, and pulled him into a hug as he sighed against me and allowed himself to be comforted. "I know you did, but sometimes two people caring for one another isn't enough." I mumbled into his arm. "I speak from experience."
"You better not be talking about Tre." He mumbled back sarcastically.
I chuckled. "No, I was talking about Jack. You and Sidney kind of remind me of my relationship with him."
He nodded a little as I continued, "And yeah it sucked at first because we had been together for so long, he was all I knew... but when I walked away from him I found Tre. It was worth it."
I felt Mike chuckle so I pulled away to look at him. "And look how well that turned out for you, kid." He teased as I smacked his arm.
"Shut the fuck up."
He grinned a little. "It'll be okay." He tried to sound reassuring but for the first time I heard his hesitance.
I shrugged nonchalantly. "I'm just taking it day by day."
He stood up after a moment and I took that was an indication that he was ready to go home.
"I have to get up early... and I think I've taken up enough of your time." He said as way of explanation as I grabbed my purse and keys.
"I'm glad I drove you... that one beer you had might have impaired your ability to drive." I teased as he followed me out to my car.
Once outside his house we said our goodbyes and he promised to call once he was in Chicago. We hugged and he kissed my forehead and told me to stop drinking, that vodka was beginning to seep from my pores.
Once he was inside I felt rather lonely again. I had talked to Billie Joe a few days ago, he updated me on the details of my sister's surgery and promised to call when he heard more. He was being sweet through all of this, and I could tell he hated what was happening between my sister and me. I could only guess that my sister was driving him fucking crazy with her stubbornness.
And I had finally called my mother back... that was a mistake. She went right up one side of me and came down the other, ranting about how precious having a sister is and blah blah blah. But she never mentioned Tre, which strikes me as odd because I would think that she would see him as the driving force for all of this chaos. She had also told me that Adrienne had begged her not to come down for the surgery, that her recovery time would be short and what she couldn't manage in the first couple of days Ollie would take care of. I was surprised our mother didn't put up more of a fight but she told me that she would comply with my sister's wishes.
I guess stranger things have happened.
I hadn't realized where I was until I snapped back to reality and realized I was only a couple streets away from Tre's house. Damn my subconscious. Seeing just how far my nerve would take me I pulled on to Tre's street, and I didn't stop driving until I was parked in his driveway. I turned off my car and glanced at my watch... 11:24. He was probably in bed, having to get up early in the morning. And Frankito was definitely in bed.
I hesitated for half a second before I realized that if I didn't at least knock I would probably have another episode of regret like I had last week and I didn't think I could handle going through that again. The porch was dark as I ascended the steps, hoping to God I wouldn't trip over one of Frankito's dump trucks and split my head wide open on the front door. I tried to decide whether to knock or ring the doorbell, deciding on knocking when I only saw the back hallway light glowing through the frosted window panel next to the door. And so I did, I knocked.
And damn near threw up all over myself waiting for someone to come to the door.
My need to vomit moved to that of nearly having a stroke as I heard footsteps approaching. The look on my face must have been classic because when Claudia opened the front door and saw me standing there, I could tell she was torn between laughter and confusion.
"Ava. Hey." She said, looking behind me as though she expected to see some sort of mass murder lurking in the bushes. I must have looked terrified.
"Uh, hi Claudia." I barely whispered, trying to see around her thin body into the foyer, trying to get a glimpse or indication of whether Tre was near by.
She cracked a smile, which she chose to quickly hide behind a dainty hand as she continued to stare at me, obviously amused by the state that I was in. And as for me, well, I was still finding it hard to get any sort of oxygen into my lungs.
"Are you looking for Tre?"
At the mere mention of his name I felt the remaining color in my face drain and I was left to only nod, my ability to speak completely gone.
For fuck's sake, if I couldn't talk to Claudia how was I going to talk to Tre?
She looked unbelievably amused at this point. "He actually ran to the store to get some last minute things before he leaves in the morning. You know it's what he's good at, putting off EVERYTHING until the last minute." She dramatically waved her hands in the air as I entertained the idea of jumping off the porch and taking off at a dead run. I could be gone before he got back. But I was pulled back in to focus as she mumbled, "That's why I divorced him." I raised an eyebrow, feeling rather awkward at the mention of their civil union or now the lack there of.
She chuckled. "God, that joke never gets old." I tried to force a smile as I rocked back and forth on the heels of my shoes. "Yeah, okay, well thanks Claudia." I mumbled as I turned around to head back down the stairs. She must have been tipping back a few tonight.
"Ava, you can come in and wait." She called as I turned around and gave a polite wave. "S'okay. I'll catch him some other time."
She gave me a shrug of her shoulders and a wave as she stepped back inside and closed the door.
Back at my car I leaned against it and sighed. Was this a sign? Should I just go home and chalk it up to 'I tried'? I climbed in the driver's seat and started the car, backing out of the driveway. I got about half way down the road when I impulsively slammed on the breaks. No, I couldn't just drive away. I threw my car in reverse and thanked my lucky stars that his residential road was barren this time of night because I hadn't really bothered to glance in my rear view mirror before first slamming on my breaks and then throwing my car violently in the opposite direction.
I felt like a stalker as I sat in my car across the street from his house with my lights off, waiting for him to get back. My hands were shaking as I gripped my steering wheel trying to clear my mind. I still had no idea what I would say to him, but I felt like I needed to here. I needed to talk to him... I needed to see him.
About ten minutes later I saw headlights approach and I almost had a panic attack when I saw him turning into his driveway, looking rather oblivious to the fact that a strange car was sitting across from his house. But that was Tre, probably lost in some song on the radio.
I watched him park his SUV, get out and open the backdoor. I grabbed for my cell phone and before I could think about it called dialed his number. I suddenly knew what he meant when he said in his message that he couldn't get out of his car, I felt paralyzed just as he did last week. I watched as he leaned into the backseat before reaching into his pocket to grab his cell, the upper part of his body still hidden in the backseat of his car. I continued to watch as he suddenly straightened as he looked at the ID on his phone. I pressed my forehead against the cool glass of my window as he hesitated for a moment, and I really couldn't blame him, but I still willed him to pick up the phone because I wasn't sure if I could muster up the courage to call him again.
I saw him look up at the sky as though searching for an answer before, "Hello?"
I sucked in a breath of air. It had seemed like forever since I heard his voice. "Hey."
"Hey." He responded, sounding a little unsure.
"How are you?" I asked tentatively, woo hoo for polite conversation.
"Meh." Was his simple response and then silence. I hadn't expected much, I was impressed he answered his phone.
I took the plunge. "So I'm stalking you." I teased into the phone, but even I could hear the strangled tone in my own ears.
I saw his confused expression as he looked up from where he was studying the ground and glanced around. "Whadya mean?"
"I thought it was my turn to sit outside your house." I tried to joke but the joke tanked as he looked and sounded none too amused.
"Translation?"
"I'm across from your driveway, parked on the street." I explained as he finally turned and identified my car.
"Okay." Was his simple response. God, this was painful. And yet I still didn't blame him for acting this way.
I was silent for a moment as I tried to recover from his chilly tone. "Okay, well, if you feel like coming out you know where I'll be... but you know if you can't that's fine, if you need to get to sleep that's great because I know you have to be up early to leave... cuz you're driving to Chicago. Well, YOU'RE not driving, you're not all piling in YOUR vehicle, but you as in the three of you... and Jason... and the crew... FUCK, you know what I mean..." I trailed off miserably as I leaned my forehead against the steering wheel and suddenly hated my life.
He was silent as he continued to stare at my car through the dark, phone still pressed to his ear.
"I'm going to take my shit inside... and then maybe I'll think about coming back out." And then he hung up. I was so surprised that I couldn't even flip my cell phone closed. I stared at my steering wheel listening to the sound of nothing until it finally registered. Glancing over at the house I watched as he nonchalantly plucked his bags from the backseat and strolled up to the front door. I think he might even have been whistling. The bastard.
The stubborn, scorned woman in me wanted to start my car and drive away screaming 'fuck you' until I reached Los Angeles, but the woman in love with that stupid, very hurt, and sometimes overly male individual that just walked through his front door reminded herself that he was worth it. I deserved to be put to the test and I was willing to make a gesture. I put my cell phone down and flipped on the radio, taking comfort in the familiar sounds of Jimmy Eat World. According to the clock in my car it was now 12:02, I wondered how long he was going to make me wait.
I leaned back against the headrest and tried to think of what I would say if he did come out, I had nothing once again. I switched gears and thought about Adrienne, sending a silent apology her way for about the millionth time this week. I couldn't help it, I thought about her a lot. 12:16. I wish I possessed patience but I just didn't. I made a mental grocery list for the week, limiting my vodka intake to only two bottles this time. 12:20. I rearranged the CD's in my CD visor, putting all the artists and bands in alphabetical order. I thought of Jake Gyllenhaal naked... .with Heath Ledger. 12:28. For fuck's sake.
I shifted in my seat and glanced up at his house. His bedroom light was on and I could see a shadow moving across the room every so often. Probably packing.
I shuddered at the thought of me and him dating all of a sudden. Two stubborn, pig-headed people would surely equal moments of complete disaster, and then I really scared myself when I thought of what it would be like to be married to him. Where the fuck did that come from? As if I thought the answer was in the backseat I looked behind me, still concerned for my mental health as I continued to wonder what it would be like to have kids with him. He is an amazing father. OH. MY. GOD. That's it, put me in a padded room with four walls, I've lost it. I think I would need him to actually speak to me before giving birth to his children.
Scarily enough I was just beginning to name our unborn children when someone smacked the driver's window with their hands. I screamed and put my hand to my chest, slowly turning my head to look out the window. There stood a very smug looking Tre. I glared at him as he shrugged and made his way around the front of my car. Two can play this game sweetie; when he was directly in front of the hood of my car I laid on my horn and watched with pleasure as he jumped a mile and then glared at me. I shrugged innocently as he had a few minutes earlier and thought of locking him out but I was too nervous to do anything creative, I was having hard enough time breathing.
"Hey." He simply said, crawling in and slamming the door behind him.
"Hey, you scared the shit out of me." I mumbled, glad that I could blame my shallow breathing on being frightened.
He smirked down at his feet, having yet to really look at me. "You looked really weird sitting in here with a dumb expression on your face, I thought it would be a good time to scare the living fuck right out of you."
"Thank you." I muttered sarcastically. And then a silence fell over us. I started slapping my palms against my thighs as he bit at his fingernails. I tried not to notice how close he was sitting or how particularly good his sculptured upper body looked in his t-shirt today, but that failed me almost immediately. Damn him for having nice arms... .arms that used to hold me close...
"So to what do I owe the pleasure of your stalking this evening?"
I jumped from my daydream and shrugged. "I dropped Mike off at this house and I just sort of started driving... and I ended up here." I answered and then cleared my throat nervously.
He didn't say anything, I think he may have wanted a more emotionally based answer than that.
"So did you need to pick up some things before you leave tomorrow?" I asked as he played with the radio, looking bored.
"Uh huh." More playing with the radio.
This bizarre situation reminded me of the time he picked me up from the bar when Sidney and I got drunk, he had wanted to talk and all I wanted to do was find a decent song on the radio. It's amazing what a couple months can do to a relationship and how quickly the tables had turned. I resisted the urge to slap his hands away, as he had done to me, from the dashboard as he flipped through my presets.
"Have you heard this song?" He asked as a random song began playing.
"Are you excited to leave tomorrow?" I asked, ignoring his question.
"You already know my answer to that. It's the same every damn time." He bit back, surprising me with his sharp tone.
I recoiled a little in my seat and turned to look at him better. "Okay, you know what? I'm trying here. This is really fucking hard."
He whipped his head to look at me, seeming not to notice that the radio had fallen on a country station, "Well, someone bake you a big fucking cake because you're trying." He mumbled sarcastically and then an appalled look crossed his face. "And what the fuck is this? Shania Twain?"
He went back to fumbling with the stations and I realized I needed to come at this from a different angle because otherwise we would never get anywhere. Trying to properly argue with him is like banging your head against a wall, he just doesn't follow the rules.
"I'm sorry." I offered quietly as he dropped his hand from the dashboard and turned to look out the window.
"I'm sorry for the night in the bar, and I'm sorry for last week when you sat outside my apartment. I'm just... I'm sorry." He didn't move and he didn't speak and all I could see was the window fogging up slightly as he breathed in and out against the glass.
I thought he was going to ignore me forever but then he turned to me slowly, his blue eyes dark under the glowing street lights.
"I just wish you would talk to me." He replied quietly, fixing his eyes on the console that sat between us.
I reached over and touched his forearm, catching him a little off guard at the sudden contact. "I'm here now. I want to talk." I offered as he stared at my hand that still rested on his arm.
"How could you just walk away from me?" He demanded, causing me to jump a little as his voice echoed rather loudly within the interior my car.
I found myself hoping that I had enough energy and drive to get through this conversation with him. Remembering and constantly reminding myself that he was worth it, he was worth the fight in the end.
"I was so upset, Tre." I paused for a moment as he turned his head to look at me. "But I don't regret her finding out, maybe the manner in which she did, yes, but I'm glad she knows. And I guess I didn't expect her to be so disappointed and so completely closed off that she would walk away without muttering so much as a 'fuck you'... I mean, you know Adrienne, she's very opinionated and open. It scared me I guess... and I'm sorry, that was just how I chose to deal with it in that moment. Not necessarily a good choice in retrospect but hey, it's how I reacted and all I can do is apologize." I explained as best I could as he continued to stare at me.
"Billie Joe said you guys haven't talked... I'm so sorry, Ava."
I nodded. "Yeah, it's pretty shitty but I'm dealing." I responded and then quickly realized that was a lie. "Or not, I guess."
He looked away again. "I'm sorry I pushed you like that in the bar... I just, I snapped. And I realize now that I was being a selfish fuck. I should have waited until you were ready." He mumbled apologetically.
I shook my head furiously. "Don't apologize for that, like I said I don't regret her finding out. If you hadn't given me a shove I probably would have kept dragging my feet until Christmas. And that wouldn't have been fair to you."
He remained quiet for a moment, thinking of something constructive to say next.
"What do you want to do, Ava?" He had asked the million dollar question. I felt panic rise in my body as he locked those blue eyes on me. I couldn't look at him, I knew whatever I said in this moment would either make us or break us. And I figured he wouldn't like what I had to say.
I sighed and cursed the tears that were gathering at the corner of my eyes.
"I want... no, I NEED to straighten this shit out with Adrienne first." I replied cautiously, gauging his reaction. His jaw tensed slightly but he remained eerily calm. "But that doesn't mean I feel any less for you than what I do." And as I said it I knew it wasn't going to be enough for him. His eyes darted downward and I inwardly cringed.
Without a second thought I reached out and touched his cheek with my fingers.
"Do you understand where I'm coming from?" I whispered, not trusting myself to ask any louder. When he reached up and wrapped my hand in his I swallowed back a sob.
"I understand." He mumbled taking my hand in his lap and drawing symbols on my palm with his fingers.
"I'm scared that you don't though." I whispered again and this time when he looked up at me I felt my resolve crumble and the tears that were threatening to fall began a silent march down my cheeks.
His face crumpled a little as he reached out and brushed my tears away. "You're leaking again."
I laughed a little, which made him smile. "Remember when I cried all over your shirt that morning after I got drunk and you took me home? Christ, that was embarrassing." I muttered as he chuckled.
"I'll tell you the same thing now as I told you back then... you're too beautiful to cry. Especially over the likes of me."
I shook my head. "You're worth it, trust me."
For some reason this made his face go sour as he looked back out his window. "Then how come we're not making this work?" He implored as I felt my mind begin to reel. "How come you didn't come here tonight with the intentions of telling me that you're sick of dicking around and you want to be with me?"
"I told you why." I replied, wiping at my face with the back of my hand.
"No, you're telling me that you're hiding behind your sister but you're not actually explaining to me WHY we're not together."
I felt like I was losing him as I struggled to put together a logical explanation in my mind and as he dropped my hand. "Tre, of COURSE I want to be with you. I can't imagine anything making me happier, but first my sister and I need to hash some things out... ."
He cut me off, "So you need your sister to tell you that you can date me, is that it? Fuck this." He spat out as he fumbled to open the door.
"Wait! Where are you going?" I asked as he threw the door open and clamored out, slamming the door so loudly that my entire car shook, the sound reverberating in my ears. I threw my door open and followed him as he marched across the empty street.
"I'm trying to explain to you how I feel, which you WANTED me to do and you're fucking walking away from me. What gives?" I demanded to the back of his t-shirt as I stomped after him.
"Go home, Ava. Go stick your fucking head in the sand and live in your safe little world where no one gets hurt and no one has to make choices. Living out here in the real world doesn't really agree with you, you're not really very fucking good at it."
He really might as well have slapped me across the face but I refused to give up; I grabbed on to the back of his t-shirt as we walked up his driveway.
"Fuck you! This from the guy who has acted like he's 12 for more than half of his life. When are YOU going to grow up? Stop pushing your insecurities off on me just because you're afraid one more relationship is going to fail, you're afraid that one more woman is going to get SICK of you and kick your ass to the curb."
He turned suddenly, causing me to crash into the front of him.
"Fuck you back." He muttered, his eyes glowing with anger.
"That's creative." I replied, realizing just how immature I was sounding. How immature we both sounded standing outside exchanging vicious words... and for what? What purpose did it serve?
I realized it didn't have any purpose as I stepped away from him and put my hand against my forehead.
"I don't want to do this with you. I don't want to fight." I mumbled as he struggled a few feet away from me to get his temper under control. "I don't know why I came over here tonight... mostly because I wanted to see you before you left. And yes, maybe that is selfish." I said as he stared at me. "But I didn't know what else to do. I don't have all the answers."
I watched out of the corner of my eye as he walked towards me and then suddenly I was burying my face against his chest as his arms went around my body. My mind did a mental happy dance as I breathed in his familiar smell and practically melted into his arms. It felt so right but there was that ever-present nagging voice telling me that Adrienne needed to come first this time, that I needed to do this the right way.
But for the moment I was going to enjoy immersing myself in him, it had been too long. I wrapped my arms tighter around his neck as he held me against his body, letting his head drop to rest his cheek against mine.
"I love you." I whispered before I could even think about it. It sort of came out as a breathy sigh and I felt his body tense as my words registered in his brain.
He jerked his head back to look at me as my face turned an unnatural shade of red.
"I, uh... " I started to make up an excuse as he looked down at me and placed a finger against my lips.
"So you think you can just come over here and say these three magical words and I'll forgive you?" He mumbled and I honestly couldn't tell if he was serious or not.
And then he was dipping his head and his lips connected with mine and I was struggling to breathe and struggling to take him in all at the same time. My hands tangled in his hair as he gripped my waist and I entertained the idea of just climbing up the front of him and living in his shirt forever if it meant being this close to him. He kissed me with such fervor I thought I was going to die, but then he was loosening his grip on my waist and he was slowly pulling away, placing one final lingering kiss on my lips. My eyes fluttered open as he opened his mouth to speak.
"I love you too." He whispered back, which sent about a thousand more shivers down my spine, mingling with the already present ones. Somewhere I felt something inside of me ignite as his words echoed in my brain and as he stared at me through the darkness I tried to figure out why he looked so sad. But then I understood. He took a step back from me, my arms having nothing to hold on to fell to my sides in defeat. I felt like I was losing him all over again, like he was taking a piece of me with him as he took another step back and then another. I crossed my arms over my chest to fend off a chill that went through my body and I couldn't even think of something to say because there wasn't much left to say, and the lump forming in my throat didn't exactly help.
He sighed, "I love you Ava, but I can't be your last resort."
I stuttered. "You aren't my last resort... I just need some time to work this stuff out." Knowing that it sounded incredibly lame outside the realms of my head.
He shook his head. "I'm sick of waiting for our shit to work out. Something always seems to go wrong or someone gets pissed, and I'm tired of the back and forth... you were right in the beginning, maybe we're just not meant to be together. Maybe we should take this time while I'm gone to get on with our lives. I mean, you obviously have some issues with Adrienne you want to clear up and her surgery is in a couple weeks. I have the tour..." He trailed off as he jammed his hands in his pocket, his voice cracking a little.
I couldn't say anything as I stood there in shock, as my worst fear came true and my fight was gone. After all of this time he was really ending it... all the good moments couldn't quite outweigh the bad and that realization hurt. He looked at me rather imploringly as though he wanted my opinion on the matter, but I didn't have anything left to say because in that moment outside in his driveway I knew the truth. It really was over, whether I said anything or not we were still going to walk away tonight knowing that he and I were through.
I understood why he did it and I think I even knew in the back of my mind it had to be this way, but that didn't stop the tears or the hurt as I turned away from him and began walking back down his driveway in defeat. My feet felt like led as I stumbled back to my car, fighting not to turn around and scream at him. I felt his eyes stare into my back as I slumped against the driver's side door and fought to get the damn thing open.
"Son of a bitch." I muttered impatiently.
I finally slid into my car and fought the urge to stab myself in the eye with my car keys, my car even smelled like him. I started my engine and sat for a moment, trying to decide whether or not this felt like closure. I felt like shit, did closure make you feel like shit?
I realized this wasn't what I wanted and I sensed it wasn't what he wanted either as I glanced over to see him still rooted in his driveway, mumbling to himself. But maybe for right now this was all we could manage. Maybe this was for the best.
"Well, thank God everything makes sense now." I muttered sarcastically to myself as I regretfully shifted my car into drive and started rolling down the street.
But before I could leave I knew I needed to say something to him even if it was over, even if it didn't change the outcome. I needed to get some things off my chest if this was going to be the last time I saw him for a month, sort of like my closing remarks. I hit the breaks and slowly rolled my window down as he looked up from where he stood curiously.
I stuck my head out my window. "I need you to know that I've loved you since I was 18... that's seven years. And in those seven years I have had A LOT of time to second guess myself and to fuck a lot of things up... but through it all I've loved you, even if I never realized it until now, and through it all we've always managed to stay together, one way or another. So not even tonight will change how I feel about you. Just so you know." I half yelled so he could hear me from where he stood. "Have a good tour, Tre... I'll miss you." And with that I rolled my window up and backed down the driveway, allowing myself only one glance back at him in my rear view mirror.
I didn't answer him back as I burrowed farther into my oversized sweatshirt and pushed my sunglasses up on my nose.
"Fuck you." I finally muttered, but it didn't come out with as much conviction as I intended it to.
"He said he sat outside your apartment for like six hours, Ava. What the fuck were you doing?" Mike pushed for information as I eyed Estelle from where we sat about ten feet away on a park bench. She was playing with a friend of hers from next door, the two girls were happily taking turns climbing the ladder and sliding down the big red slide.
"It's complicated." I muttered regretfully as I took a sip of my coffee, which was spiked with vodka... it gave me moral support.
"That's bullshit." He countered back, crossing his arms over his chest and stretching his long legs out.
"Don't bully me, Mike. You're the one who made me fucking come to the park with you and Estelle. I was content to sit at home and... drink." I mumbled back as he sighed.
"Just level with me. Or better yet explain why you feel the need to torture not only Tre, but yourself as well. I mean, I have an idea but I would like to understand your reasons for giving yourself a mental breakdown."
I glanced over at Mike, his blue eyes fixed on me with curiosity, sympathy and a hint of annoyance.
"Do you feel like you need Adrienne's permission, is that it?" He pushed some more as I finished off my coffee and threw my cup into the trash receptacle next to me.
"I don't need her permission... and I didn't consider that to be a mental break down, by the way. It was a means to rid myself of some stressful emotions." I replied defensively as he rolled his eyes.
"Whatever helps you sleep at night, sugar."
I shot him a 'fuck off' look as he sighed and waved at Estelle who was giggling happily and waving at her dad from the swings. "Careful!" He called as she nodded and quickly turned back to her friend.
"How come you won't talk to me about this?" Mike asked as I continued to sit silently beside him, eyes closed behind my sunglasses, willing away my pounding headache.
"Mike... I just... I can't." I mumbled regretfully. "I don't know why."
He looked a little hurt as he shifted his attention back to his daughter. "So you're going to Las Vegas for the weekend, huh?" He asked after a moment of uncomfortable silence.
"Thank you for the subject change." I acknowledged gratefully before answering, "Yeah, Jamie, my ex-roommate as you know, wanted to have her bachelorette party there. Something about Sin City always seems to entice people to rent a ridiculously expensive suite, drink at a bar with strange men, and then take said strange men back to the overpriced suite for a night of bumping and grinding before getting married to the one they are supposed to love and cherish for the rest of their years." I mumbled bitterly as Mike broke into a big grin and reached over to poke me in the side.
"There's the cynical bitch I know and love. Welcome back."
I grinned over at him. "I'm still here. I'm just... hibernating for a bit. I need to figure some shit out, Mike." I wasn't really sure why I didn't want to tell Mike what was going on in my head, all I knew was that talking to people about certain things never really made a difference lately; they were just words. And sometimes hurtful ones, at that.
"We leave for Chicago tomorrow morning at 9." Was his simple response. But it held so much meaning that my breath caught in my throat.
"I know." I whispered as I pulled my knees up to my chest.
He looked doubtful and I could feel a swift kick in the ass coming on. "Do you? Do you realize that the next time you will see him may very well be in a couple of months when you have pushed him so far away that he resents you? That he can't forgive you? Damnit it all Ava, you're fucking up big time here."
I was rather surprised at his dramatic outburst. "Well for fuck's sake, don't hold back!" I shot back, feeling myself getting rather angry at his unnecessary and painfully astute observation.
"He loves you. You love him. What else do you need? An invitation? Some sort of written permission form?" He muttered sarcastically.
I was pretty sure that he was trying to instigate an emotional response, therefore plying him with information. And he was right on. "BECAUSE IT'S NOT RIGHT." I exploded suddenly, causing several children and their parents to look over in shock. I lowered my voice considerably in embarrassment as Mike continued to stare at me, unflinching. "I can't start something with Tre when things are so unsettled with Adrienne."
"I think it's a little too late to refer to it as 'starting something', don't you think?"
"When did you become the devil's advocate?"
"When the gentle shoves and the quiet nods failed you."
"I hate you."
"I hate that my best friends are breaking each other's hearts."
I paused for a moment and cringed. "I can't talk to him because I haven't talked to Adrienne." I finally admitted.
"That makes no sense."
He gave me a patient look as I pulled my sunglasses off and turned to him. "I can't very well pick him over Adrienne... not again." I replied, searching his eyes for some sort of understanding but I saw none.
"This isn't about choosing one or the other." His voice was unforgiving and impatient, but eerily calm.
"YES IT IS. I cannot be with Tre until my sister, who means the WORLD to me, acknowledges that I fucked up. Until we bitch, cry, forgive. I could never just start dating him without some sort of acceptance that I want him to be in my life as more than a friend... that I love him. I need her to tell me that she understands and is willing to get past this fuck up." I tried to convey how I felt but he looked unimpressed, something was definitely going on with Mike this morning.
"All of this never stopped you from fucking him in the first place." He spat out bitterly and clearly without a second thought. He immediately looked ashamed.
And suddenly I was on my feet and heading back towards the parking lot, to hell with this Q & A.
"Ava!" I heard him yell at my retreating back, an apologetic tone mingling within my name.
"I don't need your grief." I replied, whipping my head around to look at him. "I'm sorry you think that I'm fucking up your life here because Tre won't be a ball of joy on tour... " I stopped for a moment and almost smiled amongst my misery, "No pun intended. But I can't help it Mike, things are fucked up right now for me too. And I can't see losing my sister for good just to make myself happy. With that being said, don't you dare assume for one SECOND that I'm not crawling out of my skin with guilt. I love him for cripe's sake; it doesn't exactly make me happy that I'm hurting him in any way, that I can't call him up or talk to him because I'm afraid of what I'll say... or worse, what he'll say. But that's something I have to live with."
His face was regretful as he stood in front of me, unsure of what to say. "And I'm sorry if you don't understand where I'm coming from."
I thought I saw tears forming in his eyes as he cleared his throat and then, "Sidney and I broke up last night, hence my dickheaded behavior here today."
My jaw almost hit the ground as I stepped closer to him. "What?" I muttered, trying to wrap my brain around yet another broken tale within our tightly knit group. "What happened?"
He hung his head in misery and suddenly I understood his bitterness, his unforgiving words. He was heartbroken.
Join the club, man.
"Let's take Estelle home and we'll talk about it, okay?" I pressed as his silence loomed and his hands covered his face.
He nodded as I hooked my hand around his arm and led him back to the bench we were previously occupying.
We sat in my living room later on after dropping Estelle home, drinking beers and listening to classic rock on my computer.
"I'm proud of you, I know how hard it must have been to end it. But Mikey it's for the best." I muttered, about ten minutes after he had poured out the entire story of their break up the night before. Basically he had gotten fed up with feeling like he was an inconvenience to her, especially since she was constantly bitching that he was never home and that flying to see him was a pain her ass. He couldn't see starting another tour and having to fight the same obstacles over and over again. And finally almost two years later, they realized that they were two very different people heading in different directions, and sadly neither party was willing to compromise for the other.
I watched as he shrugged off the compliment. He was sitting on my couch with his head back, a beer in his hand, his eyes shut.
His lips barely moved. "I feel like complete shit."
"It's because you're a good person." I replied, perched on my desk chair, watching him intently as he took a sip of his beer. "You didn't plan for any of this to happen... and quite frankly you deserve better."
He looked doubtful. "Please don't badmouth her."
I shook my head even though he couldn't see it. "I'm not at all, I liked Sidney. She's intelligent and worldly but she knows precisely dick about maintaining a serious relationship. I mean, I'm no expert myself but I think she was a little too carefree with your heart, Mikey. And I also don't think either of you guys ever really got to know one another, which is amusing to me because I happen to be close to both of you and I think you're two of the easiest people to get along with." I teased lightheartedly as he brought his head off the couch in mock anger.
"That's mighty helpful, thank you Ava."
I smiled at him as he sighed, holding up his beer bottle. "Here's to the memories... and the great sex." He mumbled as he polished off his beer, glancing over at me when it was gone. "And thanks for listening."
I nodded as he stared down at his hands for a moment. "I think I owe you one for all the bitching I've done in the past, oh, 7 years."
He smirked and then his face went sullen again. "I just... I just really cared for her, you know? I loved her."
I felt my heart pull at his sorrow. Crossing the room I sat on the couch next to him, and pulled him into a hug as he sighed against me and allowed himself to be comforted. "I know you did, but sometimes two people caring for one another isn't enough." I mumbled into his arm. "I speak from experience."
"You better not be talking about Tre." He mumbled back sarcastically.
I chuckled. "No, I was talking about Jack. You and Sidney kind of remind me of my relationship with him."
He nodded a little as I continued, "And yeah it sucked at first because we had been together for so long, he was all I knew... but when I walked away from him I found Tre. It was worth it."
I felt Mike chuckle so I pulled away to look at him. "And look how well that turned out for you, kid." He teased as I smacked his arm.
"Shut the fuck up."
He grinned a little. "It'll be okay." He tried to sound reassuring but for the first time I heard his hesitance.
I shrugged nonchalantly. "I'm just taking it day by day."
He stood up after a moment and I took that was an indication that he was ready to go home.
"I have to get up early... and I think I've taken up enough of your time." He said as way of explanation as I grabbed my purse and keys.
"I'm glad I drove you... that one beer you had might have impaired your ability to drive." I teased as he followed me out to my car.
Once outside his house we said our goodbyes and he promised to call once he was in Chicago. We hugged and he kissed my forehead and told me to stop drinking, that vodka was beginning to seep from my pores.
Once he was inside I felt rather lonely again. I had talked to Billie Joe a few days ago, he updated me on the details of my sister's surgery and promised to call when he heard more. He was being sweet through all of this, and I could tell he hated what was happening between my sister and me. I could only guess that my sister was driving him fucking crazy with her stubbornness.
And I had finally called my mother back... that was a mistake. She went right up one side of me and came down the other, ranting about how precious having a sister is and blah blah blah. But she never mentioned Tre, which strikes me as odd because I would think that she would see him as the driving force for all of this chaos. She had also told me that Adrienne had begged her not to come down for the surgery, that her recovery time would be short and what she couldn't manage in the first couple of days Ollie would take care of. I was surprised our mother didn't put up more of a fight but she told me that she would comply with my sister's wishes.
I guess stranger things have happened.
I hadn't realized where I was until I snapped back to reality and realized I was only a couple streets away from Tre's house. Damn my subconscious. Seeing just how far my nerve would take me I pulled on to Tre's street, and I didn't stop driving until I was parked in his driveway. I turned off my car and glanced at my watch... 11:24. He was probably in bed, having to get up early in the morning. And Frankito was definitely in bed.
I hesitated for half a second before I realized that if I didn't at least knock I would probably have another episode of regret like I had last week and I didn't think I could handle going through that again. The porch was dark as I ascended the steps, hoping to God I wouldn't trip over one of Frankito's dump trucks and split my head wide open on the front door. I tried to decide whether to knock or ring the doorbell, deciding on knocking when I only saw the back hallway light glowing through the frosted window panel next to the door. And so I did, I knocked.
And damn near threw up all over myself waiting for someone to come to the door.
My need to vomit moved to that of nearly having a stroke as I heard footsteps approaching. The look on my face must have been classic because when Claudia opened the front door and saw me standing there, I could tell she was torn between laughter and confusion.
"Ava. Hey." She said, looking behind me as though she expected to see some sort of mass murder lurking in the bushes. I must have looked terrified.
"Uh, hi Claudia." I barely whispered, trying to see around her thin body into the foyer, trying to get a glimpse or indication of whether Tre was near by.
She cracked a smile, which she chose to quickly hide behind a dainty hand as she continued to stare at me, obviously amused by the state that I was in. And as for me, well, I was still finding it hard to get any sort of oxygen into my lungs.
"Are you looking for Tre?"
At the mere mention of his name I felt the remaining color in my face drain and I was left to only nod, my ability to speak completely gone.
For fuck's sake, if I couldn't talk to Claudia how was I going to talk to Tre?
She looked unbelievably amused at this point. "He actually ran to the store to get some last minute things before he leaves in the morning. You know it's what he's good at, putting off EVERYTHING until the last minute." She dramatically waved her hands in the air as I entertained the idea of jumping off the porch and taking off at a dead run. I could be gone before he got back. But I was pulled back in to focus as she mumbled, "That's why I divorced him." I raised an eyebrow, feeling rather awkward at the mention of their civil union or now the lack there of.
She chuckled. "God, that joke never gets old." I tried to force a smile as I rocked back and forth on the heels of my shoes. "Yeah, okay, well thanks Claudia." I mumbled as I turned around to head back down the stairs. She must have been tipping back a few tonight.
"Ava, you can come in and wait." She called as I turned around and gave a polite wave. "S'okay. I'll catch him some other time."
She gave me a shrug of her shoulders and a wave as she stepped back inside and closed the door.
Back at my car I leaned against it and sighed. Was this a sign? Should I just go home and chalk it up to 'I tried'? I climbed in the driver's seat and started the car, backing out of the driveway. I got about half way down the road when I impulsively slammed on the breaks. No, I couldn't just drive away. I threw my car in reverse and thanked my lucky stars that his residential road was barren this time of night because I hadn't really bothered to glance in my rear view mirror before first slamming on my breaks and then throwing my car violently in the opposite direction.
I felt like a stalker as I sat in my car across the street from his house with my lights off, waiting for him to get back. My hands were shaking as I gripped my steering wheel trying to clear my mind. I still had no idea what I would say to him, but I felt like I needed to here. I needed to talk to him... I needed to see him.
About ten minutes later I saw headlights approach and I almost had a panic attack when I saw him turning into his driveway, looking rather oblivious to the fact that a strange car was sitting across from his house. But that was Tre, probably lost in some song on the radio.
I watched him park his SUV, get out and open the backdoor. I grabbed for my cell phone and before I could think about it called dialed his number. I suddenly knew what he meant when he said in his message that he couldn't get out of his car, I felt paralyzed just as he did last week. I watched as he leaned into the backseat before reaching into his pocket to grab his cell, the upper part of his body still hidden in the backseat of his car. I continued to watch as he suddenly straightened as he looked at the ID on his phone. I pressed my forehead against the cool glass of my window as he hesitated for a moment, and I really couldn't blame him, but I still willed him to pick up the phone because I wasn't sure if I could muster up the courage to call him again.
I saw him look up at the sky as though searching for an answer before, "Hello?"
I sucked in a breath of air. It had seemed like forever since I heard his voice. "Hey."
"Hey." He responded, sounding a little unsure.
"How are you?" I asked tentatively, woo hoo for polite conversation.
"Meh." Was his simple response and then silence. I hadn't expected much, I was impressed he answered his phone.
I took the plunge. "So I'm stalking you." I teased into the phone, but even I could hear the strangled tone in my own ears.
I saw his confused expression as he looked up from where he was studying the ground and glanced around. "Whadya mean?"
"I thought it was my turn to sit outside your house." I tried to joke but the joke tanked as he looked and sounded none too amused.
"Translation?"
"I'm across from your driveway, parked on the street." I explained as he finally turned and identified my car.
"Okay." Was his simple response. God, this was painful. And yet I still didn't blame him for acting this way.
I was silent for a moment as I tried to recover from his chilly tone. "Okay, well, if you feel like coming out you know where I'll be... but you know if you can't that's fine, if you need to get to sleep that's great because I know you have to be up early to leave... cuz you're driving to Chicago. Well, YOU'RE not driving, you're not all piling in YOUR vehicle, but you as in the three of you... and Jason... and the crew... FUCK, you know what I mean..." I trailed off miserably as I leaned my forehead against the steering wheel and suddenly hated my life.
He was silent as he continued to stare at my car through the dark, phone still pressed to his ear.
"I'm going to take my shit inside... and then maybe I'll think about coming back out." And then he hung up. I was so surprised that I couldn't even flip my cell phone closed. I stared at my steering wheel listening to the sound of nothing until it finally registered. Glancing over at the house I watched as he nonchalantly plucked his bags from the backseat and strolled up to the front door. I think he might even have been whistling. The bastard.
The stubborn, scorned woman in me wanted to start my car and drive away screaming 'fuck you' until I reached Los Angeles, but the woman in love with that stupid, very hurt, and sometimes overly male individual that just walked through his front door reminded herself that he was worth it. I deserved to be put to the test and I was willing to make a gesture. I put my cell phone down and flipped on the radio, taking comfort in the familiar sounds of Jimmy Eat World. According to the clock in my car it was now 12:02, I wondered how long he was going to make me wait.
I leaned back against the headrest and tried to think of what I would say if he did come out, I had nothing once again. I switched gears and thought about Adrienne, sending a silent apology her way for about the millionth time this week. I couldn't help it, I thought about her a lot. 12:16. I wish I possessed patience but I just didn't. I made a mental grocery list for the week, limiting my vodka intake to only two bottles this time. 12:20. I rearranged the CD's in my CD visor, putting all the artists and bands in alphabetical order. I thought of Jake Gyllenhaal naked... .with Heath Ledger. 12:28. For fuck's sake.
I shifted in my seat and glanced up at his house. His bedroom light was on and I could see a shadow moving across the room every so often. Probably packing.
I shuddered at the thought of me and him dating all of a sudden. Two stubborn, pig-headed people would surely equal moments of complete disaster, and then I really scared myself when I thought of what it would be like to be married to him. Where the fuck did that come from? As if I thought the answer was in the backseat I looked behind me, still concerned for my mental health as I continued to wonder what it would be like to have kids with him. He is an amazing father. OH. MY. GOD. That's it, put me in a padded room with four walls, I've lost it. I think I would need him to actually speak to me before giving birth to his children.
Scarily enough I was just beginning to name our unborn children when someone smacked the driver's window with their hands. I screamed and put my hand to my chest, slowly turning my head to look out the window. There stood a very smug looking Tre. I glared at him as he shrugged and made his way around the front of my car. Two can play this game sweetie; when he was directly in front of the hood of my car I laid on my horn and watched with pleasure as he jumped a mile and then glared at me. I shrugged innocently as he had a few minutes earlier and thought of locking him out but I was too nervous to do anything creative, I was having hard enough time breathing.
"Hey." He simply said, crawling in and slamming the door behind him.
"Hey, you scared the shit out of me." I mumbled, glad that I could blame my shallow breathing on being frightened.
He smirked down at his feet, having yet to really look at me. "You looked really weird sitting in here with a dumb expression on your face, I thought it would be a good time to scare the living fuck right out of you."
"Thank you." I muttered sarcastically. And then a silence fell over us. I started slapping my palms against my thighs as he bit at his fingernails. I tried not to notice how close he was sitting or how particularly good his sculptured upper body looked in his t-shirt today, but that failed me almost immediately. Damn him for having nice arms... .arms that used to hold me close...
"So to what do I owe the pleasure of your stalking this evening?"
I jumped from my daydream and shrugged. "I dropped Mike off at this house and I just sort of started driving... and I ended up here." I answered and then cleared my throat nervously.
He didn't say anything, I think he may have wanted a more emotionally based answer than that.
"So did you need to pick up some things before you leave tomorrow?" I asked as he played with the radio, looking bored.
"Uh huh." More playing with the radio.
This bizarre situation reminded me of the time he picked me up from the bar when Sidney and I got drunk, he had wanted to talk and all I wanted to do was find a decent song on the radio. It's amazing what a couple months can do to a relationship and how quickly the tables had turned. I resisted the urge to slap his hands away, as he had done to me, from the dashboard as he flipped through my presets.
"Have you heard this song?" He asked as a random song began playing.
"Are you excited to leave tomorrow?" I asked, ignoring his question.
"You already know my answer to that. It's the same every damn time." He bit back, surprising me with his sharp tone.
I recoiled a little in my seat and turned to look at him better. "Okay, you know what? I'm trying here. This is really fucking hard."
He whipped his head to look at me, seeming not to notice that the radio had fallen on a country station, "Well, someone bake you a big fucking cake because you're trying." He mumbled sarcastically and then an appalled look crossed his face. "And what the fuck is this? Shania Twain?"
He went back to fumbling with the stations and I realized I needed to come at this from a different angle because otherwise we would never get anywhere. Trying to properly argue with him is like banging your head against a wall, he just doesn't follow the rules.
"I'm sorry." I offered quietly as he dropped his hand from the dashboard and turned to look out the window.
"I'm sorry for the night in the bar, and I'm sorry for last week when you sat outside my apartment. I'm just... I'm sorry." He didn't move and he didn't speak and all I could see was the window fogging up slightly as he breathed in and out against the glass.
I thought he was going to ignore me forever but then he turned to me slowly, his blue eyes dark under the glowing street lights.
"I just wish you would talk to me." He replied quietly, fixing his eyes on the console that sat between us.
I reached over and touched his forearm, catching him a little off guard at the sudden contact. "I'm here now. I want to talk." I offered as he stared at my hand that still rested on his arm.
"How could you just walk away from me?" He demanded, causing me to jump a little as his voice echoed rather loudly within the interior my car.
I found myself hoping that I had enough energy and drive to get through this conversation with him. Remembering and constantly reminding myself that he was worth it, he was worth the fight in the end.
"I was so upset, Tre." I paused for a moment as he turned his head to look at me. "But I don't regret her finding out, maybe the manner in which she did, yes, but I'm glad she knows. And I guess I didn't expect her to be so disappointed and so completely closed off that she would walk away without muttering so much as a 'fuck you'... I mean, you know Adrienne, she's very opinionated and open. It scared me I guess... and I'm sorry, that was just how I chose to deal with it in that moment. Not necessarily a good choice in retrospect but hey, it's how I reacted and all I can do is apologize." I explained as best I could as he continued to stare at me.
"Billie Joe said you guys haven't talked... I'm so sorry, Ava."
I nodded. "Yeah, it's pretty shitty but I'm dealing." I responded and then quickly realized that was a lie. "Or not, I guess."
He looked away again. "I'm sorry I pushed you like that in the bar... I just, I snapped. And I realize now that I was being a selfish fuck. I should have waited until you were ready." He mumbled apologetically.
I shook my head furiously. "Don't apologize for that, like I said I don't regret her finding out. If you hadn't given me a shove I probably would have kept dragging my feet until Christmas. And that wouldn't have been fair to you."
He remained quiet for a moment, thinking of something constructive to say next.
"What do you want to do, Ava?" He had asked the million dollar question. I felt panic rise in my body as he locked those blue eyes on me. I couldn't look at him, I knew whatever I said in this moment would either make us or break us. And I figured he wouldn't like what I had to say.
I sighed and cursed the tears that were gathering at the corner of my eyes.
"I want... no, I NEED to straighten this shit out with Adrienne first." I replied cautiously, gauging his reaction. His jaw tensed slightly but he remained eerily calm. "But that doesn't mean I feel any less for you than what I do." And as I said it I knew it wasn't going to be enough for him. His eyes darted downward and I inwardly cringed.
Without a second thought I reached out and touched his cheek with my fingers.
"Do you understand where I'm coming from?" I whispered, not trusting myself to ask any louder. When he reached up and wrapped my hand in his I swallowed back a sob.
"I understand." He mumbled taking my hand in his lap and drawing symbols on my palm with his fingers.
"I'm scared that you don't though." I whispered again and this time when he looked up at me I felt my resolve crumble and the tears that were threatening to fall began a silent march down my cheeks.
His face crumpled a little as he reached out and brushed my tears away. "You're leaking again."
I laughed a little, which made him smile. "Remember when I cried all over your shirt that morning after I got drunk and you took me home? Christ, that was embarrassing." I muttered as he chuckled.
"I'll tell you the same thing now as I told you back then... you're too beautiful to cry. Especially over the likes of me."
I shook my head. "You're worth it, trust me."
For some reason this made his face go sour as he looked back out his window. "Then how come we're not making this work?" He implored as I felt my mind begin to reel. "How come you didn't come here tonight with the intentions of telling me that you're sick of dicking around and you want to be with me?"
"I told you why." I replied, wiping at my face with the back of my hand.
"No, you're telling me that you're hiding behind your sister but you're not actually explaining to me WHY we're not together."
I felt like I was losing him as I struggled to put together a logical explanation in my mind and as he dropped my hand. "Tre, of COURSE I want to be with you. I can't imagine anything making me happier, but first my sister and I need to hash some things out... ."
He cut me off, "So you need your sister to tell you that you can date me, is that it? Fuck this." He spat out as he fumbled to open the door.
"Wait! Where are you going?" I asked as he threw the door open and clamored out, slamming the door so loudly that my entire car shook, the sound reverberating in my ears. I threw my door open and followed him as he marched across the empty street.
"I'm trying to explain to you how I feel, which you WANTED me to do and you're fucking walking away from me. What gives?" I demanded to the back of his t-shirt as I stomped after him.
"Go home, Ava. Go stick your fucking head in the sand and live in your safe little world where no one gets hurt and no one has to make choices. Living out here in the real world doesn't really agree with you, you're not really very fucking good at it."
He really might as well have slapped me across the face but I refused to give up; I grabbed on to the back of his t-shirt as we walked up his driveway.
"Fuck you! This from the guy who has acted like he's 12 for more than half of his life. When are YOU going to grow up? Stop pushing your insecurities off on me just because you're afraid one more relationship is going to fail, you're afraid that one more woman is going to get SICK of you and kick your ass to the curb."
He turned suddenly, causing me to crash into the front of him.
"Fuck you back." He muttered, his eyes glowing with anger.
"That's creative." I replied, realizing just how immature I was sounding. How immature we both sounded standing outside exchanging vicious words... and for what? What purpose did it serve?
I realized it didn't have any purpose as I stepped away from him and put my hand against my forehead.
"I don't want to do this with you. I don't want to fight." I mumbled as he struggled a few feet away from me to get his temper under control. "I don't know why I came over here tonight... mostly because I wanted to see you before you left. And yes, maybe that is selfish." I said as he stared at me. "But I didn't know what else to do. I don't have all the answers."
I watched out of the corner of my eye as he walked towards me and then suddenly I was burying my face against his chest as his arms went around my body. My mind did a mental happy dance as I breathed in his familiar smell and practically melted into his arms. It felt so right but there was that ever-present nagging voice telling me that Adrienne needed to come first this time, that I needed to do this the right way.
But for the moment I was going to enjoy immersing myself in him, it had been too long. I wrapped my arms tighter around his neck as he held me against his body, letting his head drop to rest his cheek against mine.
"I love you." I whispered before I could even think about it. It sort of came out as a breathy sigh and I felt his body tense as my words registered in his brain.
He jerked his head back to look at me as my face turned an unnatural shade of red.
"I, uh... " I started to make up an excuse as he looked down at me and placed a finger against my lips.
"So you think you can just come over here and say these three magical words and I'll forgive you?" He mumbled and I honestly couldn't tell if he was serious or not.
And then he was dipping his head and his lips connected with mine and I was struggling to breathe and struggling to take him in all at the same time. My hands tangled in his hair as he gripped my waist and I entertained the idea of just climbing up the front of him and living in his shirt forever if it meant being this close to him. He kissed me with such fervor I thought I was going to die, but then he was loosening his grip on my waist and he was slowly pulling away, placing one final lingering kiss on my lips. My eyes fluttered open as he opened his mouth to speak.
"I love you too." He whispered back, which sent about a thousand more shivers down my spine, mingling with the already present ones. Somewhere I felt something inside of me ignite as his words echoed in my brain and as he stared at me through the darkness I tried to figure out why he looked so sad. But then I understood. He took a step back from me, my arms having nothing to hold on to fell to my sides in defeat. I felt like I was losing him all over again, like he was taking a piece of me with him as he took another step back and then another. I crossed my arms over my chest to fend off a chill that went through my body and I couldn't even think of something to say because there wasn't much left to say, and the lump forming in my throat didn't exactly help.
He sighed, "I love you Ava, but I can't be your last resort."
I stuttered. "You aren't my last resort... I just need some time to work this stuff out." Knowing that it sounded incredibly lame outside the realms of my head.
He shook his head. "I'm sick of waiting for our shit to work out. Something always seems to go wrong or someone gets pissed, and I'm tired of the back and forth... you were right in the beginning, maybe we're just not meant to be together. Maybe we should take this time while I'm gone to get on with our lives. I mean, you obviously have some issues with Adrienne you want to clear up and her surgery is in a couple weeks. I have the tour..." He trailed off as he jammed his hands in his pocket, his voice cracking a little.
I couldn't say anything as I stood there in shock, as my worst fear came true and my fight was gone. After all of this time he was really ending it... all the good moments couldn't quite outweigh the bad and that realization hurt. He looked at me rather imploringly as though he wanted my opinion on the matter, but I didn't have anything left to say because in that moment outside in his driveway I knew the truth. It really was over, whether I said anything or not we were still going to walk away tonight knowing that he and I were through.
I understood why he did it and I think I even knew in the back of my mind it had to be this way, but that didn't stop the tears or the hurt as I turned away from him and began walking back down his driveway in defeat. My feet felt like led as I stumbled back to my car, fighting not to turn around and scream at him. I felt his eyes stare into my back as I slumped against the driver's side door and fought to get the damn thing open.
"Son of a bitch." I muttered impatiently.
I finally slid into my car and fought the urge to stab myself in the eye with my car keys, my car even smelled like him. I started my engine and sat for a moment, trying to decide whether or not this felt like closure. I felt like shit, did closure make you feel like shit?
I realized this wasn't what I wanted and I sensed it wasn't what he wanted either as I glanced over to see him still rooted in his driveway, mumbling to himself. But maybe for right now this was all we could manage. Maybe this was for the best.
"Well, thank God everything makes sense now." I muttered sarcastically to myself as I regretfully shifted my car into drive and started rolling down the street.
But before I could leave I knew I needed to say something to him even if it was over, even if it didn't change the outcome. I needed to get some things off my chest if this was going to be the last time I saw him for a month, sort of like my closing remarks. I hit the breaks and slowly rolled my window down as he looked up from where he stood curiously.
I stuck my head out my window. "I need you to know that I've loved you since I was 18... that's seven years. And in those seven years I have had A LOT of time to second guess myself and to fuck a lot of things up... but through it all I've loved you, even if I never realized it until now, and through it all we've always managed to stay together, one way or another. So not even tonight will change how I feel about you. Just so you know." I half yelled so he could hear me from where he stood. "Have a good tour, Tre... I'll miss you." And with that I rolled my window up and backed down the driveway, allowing myself only one glance back at him in my rear view mirror.
