16, chapter 2
We played for a while longer and then decided to call it a day so people began to file out. Alex and James put away their instruments where they always put them (they also live in the same apartment building so they leave them in the Basement) and came over to me.
"Do you want to go get a drink?" James asked me.
"We can talk if you want," Alex added.
I looked over their heads and saw my Mum and Mike making their way over to me. "Yeah," I said, getting up. "Let's go quickly."
We stepped down off the stage and I quickly made for the door before my Mum could stop me. I got to the bottom of the stairs that lead to the door and turned around to make sure my best friend's were with me. There they were standing completely still, staring up at Mike. Obviously the baseball cap he was wearing to hide his identity wasn't going to fool two die hard Green Day fans like Alex and James.
"Shit," Alex began to stutter whilst James was also trying to string a sentence together.
"You guys were awesome," Mike said quietly and although he was only looking at me when he said it, my friends were ecstatic. I quickly walked over to them and pulled them away.
"Come on" I said pleadingly. "Let's go."
I dragged them up the stairs and out of the Basement where they gave up in resisting me and walked beside me.
"What's going on?" James asked me.
"I'll explain later," I said picking up the pace as we walked back to mine and Mum's apartment to get my bag.
"Please explain now," Alex said.
I ignored her and unlocked the door and ran to my bedroom where I picked up my canvas bag, ripped off the Green Day patch that I had been half-way through stitching on, made sure that my wallet and phone were in the bag, quickly changed into a Fall Out Boy t-shirt and went back into my living room where Alex and James were talking excitedly about why Mike Dirnt could have been at our band practice.
"Are we going?" I asked opening the door. "Shall we take my car?"
"I guess so." Alex and James followed behind me.
We walked a little way down the hall when we bumped into Mike and my Mum on the stairs. Once again Alex and James made feeble attempts to talk to the rock star, but I grabbed them both and pulled them down the stairs.
"What the fuck?" James said. "That's Mike Dirnt, why can't we talk to him?"
I continued to pull them until we were out in the sunlight of the car park when they both shook me off and turned me to look at them.
"What the hell is going on?" Alex said looking at me with concern and confusion. "Why in all hell is Mike Fucking Dirnt with your Mum and why aren't we allowed to talk to him?"
I sighed and looked down at my feet.
"What's going on?" she said very quietly.
"Mike Dirnt is my Dad."
No matter how many times I thought it, saying it definitely had a bigger effect on me. It seemed to make it all more real. I could hear Alex and James begin to talk about what I had just revealed but I didn't pay much attention to what they were saying.
What did this all mean? Mike being my Dad. Am I going to have to start spending time with him? Staying at his house? Meeting his family and friends? Meeting Estelle? Estelle... his other daughter, the daughter whose life he was there for, the daughter who he was in contact with.
I sat down on the curb of the car park and felt Alex and James sit down on either side of me. We sat there for quite a while, just thinking.
"So... " Alex began, she wasn't going to say anything to me about it just yet, she knows me too well and she knew I wouldn't want to talk about it just yet. "How about that drink?"
"Good idea," James said standing up and offering me his hand which I took with a grateful smile. He helped me up and we all walked the very small distance to my car.
"So where are we going?" Alex asked from next to me once we were all seated comfortably in the car.
"Starbucks," I said, pulling out of the car park. "I could really use a coffee right now."
***
"Are you sure you're ready?" Alex asked me. We were standing outside the empty apartment between ours (we lived two doors down from each other). We had already said goodbye to James and she was giving me a last minute pep talk. I nodded at her question.
"Are you sure you don't want me in there with you?" she said hopefully. I smirked at her badly hidden eagerness to be in the same room as her favourite bass player.
"I'll be fine." I said. "I'll call you."
We said goodbye to each other and I walked over to my door which I opened slowly and nervously after pulling my long dark brown hair, littered with bright red and black streaks, back into a messy bun. I walked into the main living area of our flat to see Mum and Mike on the couch facing each other, each holding a bottle of beer. They were deep in conversation which stopped when I entered the room. I took a deep breath.
"I want to talk," I said to Mike, looking him straight in the eye.
"I'll... just," Mum stuttered, obviously trying to think of an excuse to leave us alone. "Go down to the 7/11 to get some milk." She picked up her keys, gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug and rushed out the door.
I sat down at the kitchen table, watching out of the corner of my eye as he got up from the couch and sat down across from me. Silence set in, neither of us eager to start the conversation.
"You are a really good drummer," Mike said breaking the silence. "Tre would-"
"Stop with the small talk," I cut him off. "I want you to answer my questions."
"Okay." He said, leaning back in his chair.
"I want you to tell me what happened; what happened between you and my Mum and why you never contacted me," I said calmly but shakily, looking down at my hands as I fiddled with the table cloth.
Mike took a deep breath, filled with what seemed to be anxiety, before beginning the story. "I met your mother at Gilman Street before the band was even called Green Day," he began, talking slowly. "We dated for a while, but ended up breaking up some time after Kerplunk but before Dookie. We stayed friends, she had always been rather close to Billie Joe and she got on really well with Tre so she was always around, it would have been difficult if we didn't get along. Some time in 1994, I got into a really big fight with my fiancé, so I went to some local pub. Jackie had also had a fight with her boyfriend at the time and she just happened to go to the same place as me." He paused for a few seconds, trying to think of the right words to say what he was trying to say, without grossing me out or making me angry.
"We got talking about old times and what went wrong in our relationship and stuff, we drank a few drinks to many... and... one thing... lead to another."
Thankfully he realized that I can put two and two together and stopped there. He took a swig of his beer before continuing the story in another direction.
"A couple of days later I went back to my fiancé and we sorted everything out. I didn't hear from your mother for three months, we were both too embarrassed and ashamed to call each other and Jackie was becoming more and more distant from Billie Joe and Tre as well. When she called me and told me she was pregnant, I had been married for two months and I really didn't want to screw my marriage up. I made one of the worst decisions of my life, and decided to not tell anyone but Tre and Billie, I set up a direct debit from my bank account to Jackie's, for child support and I never spoke about it." His voice seemed to crack a little bit so I looked up into his eyes, despite how hard it was for me to hear what he was saying, I realized for the first time how much my blue eyes resembled his.
"I planned to tell Anastasia one day, but as time went on it became harder and harder. When you were born, Billie, Tre and I went and visited you and your mother together. She told me that I didn't have to be there, that she could handle it on her own. I was stupid and I believed her. I left and I haven't seen you since then. I do regret it, I want you to know that," he said looking down at his hands and then back up to look at me.
"What happened then?" I said, realizing for the first time that I had been crying, I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand and then continued. "Did you ever tell your wife about me? Does anyone know apart from Tre and Billie Joe? Does Estelle know that I exist?"
"The year after you were born, I got swept up in everything, my marriage, the rock and roll life, we had Estelle the year after that. I never did tell Anastasia until last week. I decided that it was time to contact you and I knew that before I did, I had to do what was right by everybody, and that meant telling her and clearing the air, even though we're not married anymore."
"How did she take it?" I asked.
"She was shocked, but I think she took the news a bit better than Estelle. I told Estelle last week too, she was extremely pissed off that she had a big sister her whole life that she never knew about. She's not angry at you, don't worry about that," he added, picking up on my anxiousness at having Estelle hate me before she even met me.
"What made you come here now?" I said. "Why now after all this time?"
"I have been thinking about you more and more in the past year. I realized that I have missed out on too much of your life."
"Damn right," I couldn't help but mutter.
"I realized that the longer I put it off the harder it would be. I thought you'd be able to understand better, now that you're older."
"So you left it longer?" I was getting angry now. "You thought that the older I was, the easier it would be for me to understand that while I was here waiting for my Dad, you were traveling all over the world making millions of dollars and being a proper Dad to your 'little hero'." I was getting so angry that I stood up and ran my hands through my hair, trying to calm myself down. Mike remained seated but looked up at me.
"It's been hard for me too."
I can't believe he just said that.
"Hard for you? You have no idea what I have been through. For years I waited for some sign of my father. I waited and waited until I eventually gave up. I knew you were out there somewhere; that you knew I existed because I know about the money that goes into Mum's account every month. When I was little I didn't understand but it was easier than it has been over the last few years, I held onto the small amount of hope that I still had. It became harder when I got older and realized that you just didn't fucking care!" I yelled, slamming my fist on the table with the last four words. "And you know what the few things that got me through were? My Mum, who I just found out, lied to me my whole life; my drums and friends, which I thankfully still have; and your bands fucking music which now just seems to make everything worse!" Tears flowed freely down my face and I dropped my voice and tried to speak calmly.
"I am willing to forgive you, but right now I just... " I couldn't think of the right words to say what I wanted to say. "I just... I want you to know how hard it was for me and how much I wanted you in my life." I wanted to say more but I was unsure what and how so, with that I turned around and walked back to my bedroom, leaving Mike, sitting alone at the kitchen table.
"Do you want to go get a drink?" James asked me.
"We can talk if you want," Alex added.
I looked over their heads and saw my Mum and Mike making their way over to me. "Yeah," I said, getting up. "Let's go quickly."
We stepped down off the stage and I quickly made for the door before my Mum could stop me. I got to the bottom of the stairs that lead to the door and turned around to make sure my best friend's were with me. There they were standing completely still, staring up at Mike. Obviously the baseball cap he was wearing to hide his identity wasn't going to fool two die hard Green Day fans like Alex and James.
"Shit," Alex began to stutter whilst James was also trying to string a sentence together.
"You guys were awesome," Mike said quietly and although he was only looking at me when he said it, my friends were ecstatic. I quickly walked over to them and pulled them away.
"Come on" I said pleadingly. "Let's go."
I dragged them up the stairs and out of the Basement where they gave up in resisting me and walked beside me.
"What's going on?" James asked me.
"I'll explain later," I said picking up the pace as we walked back to mine and Mum's apartment to get my bag.
"Please explain now," Alex said.
I ignored her and unlocked the door and ran to my bedroom where I picked up my canvas bag, ripped off the Green Day patch that I had been half-way through stitching on, made sure that my wallet and phone were in the bag, quickly changed into a Fall Out Boy t-shirt and went back into my living room where Alex and James were talking excitedly about why Mike Dirnt could have been at our band practice.
"Are we going?" I asked opening the door. "Shall we take my car?"
"I guess so." Alex and James followed behind me.
We walked a little way down the hall when we bumped into Mike and my Mum on the stairs. Once again Alex and James made feeble attempts to talk to the rock star, but I grabbed them both and pulled them down the stairs.
"What the fuck?" James said. "That's Mike Dirnt, why can't we talk to him?"
I continued to pull them until we were out in the sunlight of the car park when they both shook me off and turned me to look at them.
"What the hell is going on?" Alex said looking at me with concern and confusion. "Why in all hell is Mike Fucking Dirnt with your Mum and why aren't we allowed to talk to him?"
I sighed and looked down at my feet.
"What's going on?" she said very quietly.
"Mike Dirnt is my Dad."
No matter how many times I thought it, saying it definitely had a bigger effect on me. It seemed to make it all more real. I could hear Alex and James begin to talk about what I had just revealed but I didn't pay much attention to what they were saying.
What did this all mean? Mike being my Dad. Am I going to have to start spending time with him? Staying at his house? Meeting his family and friends? Meeting Estelle? Estelle... his other daughter, the daughter whose life he was there for, the daughter who he was in contact with.
I sat down on the curb of the car park and felt Alex and James sit down on either side of me. We sat there for quite a while, just thinking.
"So... " Alex began, she wasn't going to say anything to me about it just yet, she knows me too well and she knew I wouldn't want to talk about it just yet. "How about that drink?"
"Good idea," James said standing up and offering me his hand which I took with a grateful smile. He helped me up and we all walked the very small distance to my car.
"So where are we going?" Alex asked from next to me once we were all seated comfortably in the car.
"Starbucks," I said, pulling out of the car park. "I could really use a coffee right now."
***
"Are you sure you're ready?" Alex asked me. We were standing outside the empty apartment between ours (we lived two doors down from each other). We had already said goodbye to James and she was giving me a last minute pep talk. I nodded at her question.
"Are you sure you don't want me in there with you?" she said hopefully. I smirked at her badly hidden eagerness to be in the same room as her favourite bass player.
"I'll be fine." I said. "I'll call you."
We said goodbye to each other and I walked over to my door which I opened slowly and nervously after pulling my long dark brown hair, littered with bright red and black streaks, back into a messy bun. I walked into the main living area of our flat to see Mum and Mike on the couch facing each other, each holding a bottle of beer. They were deep in conversation which stopped when I entered the room. I took a deep breath.
"I want to talk," I said to Mike, looking him straight in the eye.
"I'll... just," Mum stuttered, obviously trying to think of an excuse to leave us alone. "Go down to the 7/11 to get some milk." She picked up her keys, gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug and rushed out the door.
I sat down at the kitchen table, watching out of the corner of my eye as he got up from the couch and sat down across from me. Silence set in, neither of us eager to start the conversation.
"You are a really good drummer," Mike said breaking the silence. "Tre would-"
"Stop with the small talk," I cut him off. "I want you to answer my questions."
"Okay." He said, leaning back in his chair.
"I want you to tell me what happened; what happened between you and my Mum and why you never contacted me," I said calmly but shakily, looking down at my hands as I fiddled with the table cloth.
Mike took a deep breath, filled with what seemed to be anxiety, before beginning the story. "I met your mother at Gilman Street before the band was even called Green Day," he began, talking slowly. "We dated for a while, but ended up breaking up some time after Kerplunk but before Dookie. We stayed friends, she had always been rather close to Billie Joe and she got on really well with Tre so she was always around, it would have been difficult if we didn't get along. Some time in 1994, I got into a really big fight with my fiancé, so I went to some local pub. Jackie had also had a fight with her boyfriend at the time and she just happened to go to the same place as me." He paused for a few seconds, trying to think of the right words to say what he was trying to say, without grossing me out or making me angry.
"We got talking about old times and what went wrong in our relationship and stuff, we drank a few drinks to many... and... one thing... lead to another."
Thankfully he realized that I can put two and two together and stopped there. He took a swig of his beer before continuing the story in another direction.
"A couple of days later I went back to my fiancé and we sorted everything out. I didn't hear from your mother for three months, we were both too embarrassed and ashamed to call each other and Jackie was becoming more and more distant from Billie Joe and Tre as well. When she called me and told me she was pregnant, I had been married for two months and I really didn't want to screw my marriage up. I made one of the worst decisions of my life, and decided to not tell anyone but Tre and Billie, I set up a direct debit from my bank account to Jackie's, for child support and I never spoke about it." His voice seemed to crack a little bit so I looked up into his eyes, despite how hard it was for me to hear what he was saying, I realized for the first time how much my blue eyes resembled his.
"I planned to tell Anastasia one day, but as time went on it became harder and harder. When you were born, Billie, Tre and I went and visited you and your mother together. She told me that I didn't have to be there, that she could handle it on her own. I was stupid and I believed her. I left and I haven't seen you since then. I do regret it, I want you to know that," he said looking down at his hands and then back up to look at me.
"What happened then?" I said, realizing for the first time that I had been crying, I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand and then continued. "Did you ever tell your wife about me? Does anyone know apart from Tre and Billie Joe? Does Estelle know that I exist?"
"The year after you were born, I got swept up in everything, my marriage, the rock and roll life, we had Estelle the year after that. I never did tell Anastasia until last week. I decided that it was time to contact you and I knew that before I did, I had to do what was right by everybody, and that meant telling her and clearing the air, even though we're not married anymore."
"How did she take it?" I asked.
"She was shocked, but I think she took the news a bit better than Estelle. I told Estelle last week too, she was extremely pissed off that she had a big sister her whole life that she never knew about. She's not angry at you, don't worry about that," he added, picking up on my anxiousness at having Estelle hate me before she even met me.
"What made you come here now?" I said. "Why now after all this time?"
"I have been thinking about you more and more in the past year. I realized that I have missed out on too much of your life."
"Damn right," I couldn't help but mutter.
"I realized that the longer I put it off the harder it would be. I thought you'd be able to understand better, now that you're older."
"So you left it longer?" I was getting angry now. "You thought that the older I was, the easier it would be for me to understand that while I was here waiting for my Dad, you were traveling all over the world making millions of dollars and being a proper Dad to your 'little hero'." I was getting so angry that I stood up and ran my hands through my hair, trying to calm myself down. Mike remained seated but looked up at me.
"It's been hard for me too."
I can't believe he just said that.
"Hard for you? You have no idea what I have been through. For years I waited for some sign of my father. I waited and waited until I eventually gave up. I knew you were out there somewhere; that you knew I existed because I know about the money that goes into Mum's account every month. When I was little I didn't understand but it was easier than it has been over the last few years, I held onto the small amount of hope that I still had. It became harder when I got older and realized that you just didn't fucking care!" I yelled, slamming my fist on the table with the last four words. "And you know what the few things that got me through were? My Mum, who I just found out, lied to me my whole life; my drums and friends, which I thankfully still have; and your bands fucking music which now just seems to make everything worse!" Tears flowed freely down my face and I dropped my voice and tried to speak calmly.
"I am willing to forgive you, but right now I just... " I couldn't think of the right words to say what I wanted to say. "I just... I want you to know how hard it was for me and how much I wanted you in my life." I wanted to say more but I was unsure what and how so, with that I turned around and walked back to my bedroom, leaving Mike, sitting alone at the kitchen table.
