His Little Drummer Girl, chapter 35
The next day...
Charlie is coming in two days. I completely forgot what with mum being in hospital. I can't wait to see him. It will be his fifteenth birthday when he is here and mum said we could have a small party for him. I can't wait.
I think Charlie was a little embarrassed about the party. It was only the usual crowd, Mike, Aunt Jen, my cousins, Billie Joe was there with Adi and her two boys and Frankito and Ramona were there too. We played water polo in the pool while Adi helped mum cook a barbeque and then I brought out a cake for Charlie. It was shaped like a football and he loved it.
"Honey have you given Charlie our present yet?" Dad said while we were all sitting round outside. Charlie had gone to get some more drinks with my cousins.
"No not yet" I wanted to give it to him later when everyone was gone.
"Or do you want to give it to him in private?" said Dad winking. Everyone laughed then.
"Dad shut up," I say blushing.
"Ah, young love," said Adi.
"Stop it you guys" I say starting to get a little annoyed.
"Leave her," said Billie Joe. "She's too young to have a boyfriend. Charlie's just a good friend isn't he Titch?" Billie said.
"Yep" was all I could manage. "Anyway, I'll get his present now" and sloped off, red-faced.
Charlie was so pleased with his present. It was a top of the range camera. He loved photography and was hoping to study it when he finished school.
"Thanks everyone" he said.
"You're welcome Charlie," they all shout at once.
Everyone started leaving shortly after and we got up to say goodbye.
Mum and Dad were clearing up when Charlie asked if I wanted to go to his room to listen to some of his new music that he'd got for his birthday.
"OK" I reply going upstairs.
As soon as we got into his room he grabs me gently by the arm. "I've wanted to kiss you all day Franky. I never thought we'd get any time alone. Can I kiss you now?"
"Go right ahead" I say putting my arms round his neck and sharing a long lingering kiss with him. His hands start to wander and before long they are trying to undo my bra. What's he doing? Do I want this? The bra is undone now and I panic.
"Stop it Charlie" I say getting annoyed. "I'm not ready for this yet. Sorry" I say then hurry off to my room. Was I ready? A little bit of me wanted to. But not quite enough.
After ten minutes or so I hear a knock at the door. It's Charlie and he's very apologetic.
"Charlie don't worry." I say. "Nothing has changed between us its just that I'm not ready to go any further than kissing. I'm sorry."
"I understand," said Charlie.
We hug then and share one kiss before he goes back to his room.
Two weeks later... At the hospital...
I'm at the hospital again for more tests. This time Adi has come with me, as Tre is away overnight filming an interview in New York. He didn't really want to go to New York but I insisted.
The doctor once again calls us into the room that I have grown to hate and I just long for him to hurry up and say that everything will be fine. I've felt so well over the past few weeks I don't feel as though I've got anything wrong at all.
The news is not good. Not good at all. He actually informs me that the cancer has spread and now there is nothing more that they can do for me. What? Stop messing. What do you mean nothing you can do? Of course there is. Cut out the cancer and give me medicine. What do you want me to do here? Give up and die. No way. I have a husband and daughter who love me and need me. There is no way...
... I came round and looked up at the Doctor and Adi's faces. I must have passed out. They get me up into the chair.
I sit in the chair for ages. Adi is in tears and says she is going to call Tre home from New York. I said it was pointless he may as well carry on and do the interview and I'd see him tomorrow.
Adi took me home in absolute silence. Luckily Franky was still at Jen's house. I couldn't face her yet. Adi came with me into the house and stayed all night with me. I don't think either one of us slept or spoke much at all. We watched the guys doing the interview. Tre was laughing and joking and messing about as usual. Part of me didn't want him to come home to listen to my bad news. I wanted him to stay like that forever, smiley faced and happy, messing about with his friends, just how I love him.
The next day...
How do you tell your husband and daughter that you are dying? Well with great difficulty. It was the hardest thing in the world I've ever had to do and I wish I could just have kept it to myself and never have had to tell them.
They're dealing with it in their own ways. Franky's sobbing her heart out in her bedroom with her ipod on full blast cuddling Buck the rabbit with Milton by her side and Tre, my Tre has called up his best buddies and they are downstairs with him now. I can hear him crying. I want to go to him but I feel he needs to be with them.
One week later...
Franky at Billie Joes...
I can't stop getting my feelings and thoughts down on paper. There is no-one to talk to about any of this so I'm just writing away here. Dad and Mum are having some time alone together and I am around at Billie Joe and Adriennes.
Its getting quite late and Adrienne says I should really stay the night. She makes a call to Dad and then says the spare room is made up for me when I want to go up.
"What are you writing honey?" she asks.
"Oh just some stuff" I reply but she's already busying herself getting the boy's things together to go into the washing machine so doesn't really take much notice. Joey and Jakob went to bed hours ago. Billie Joe is on his computer in the study and occasionally I hear the strum of a guitar.
"Look, its past midnight Franky" Adi says coming out from the kitchen and yawning. I need to get my sleep. I'm going on up to bed. Try not to stay up too late" she says and kisses me on my head.
"I won't Adi. Goodnight" I say carrying on with my writing and getting really engrossed.
"Hey Titch" a voice from the doorway. I look up and he's there. Bedraggled and tired looking just how I like him to look. He'd look like that if he'd got out of my bed I thought to myself but the thought went as quick as it came. I was used to these feelings. I just called them my 'Billie Joe and me' thoughts, they went away from my mind as quick as they came.
"I didn't know you were still up. Its past 1am" he says checking his watch. "You still writing?" he said.
"Yeah. I'm not sleeping too good" I say but then I yawn. "But I think I'll call it a night now" I say.
"Remember I'd like to see your stuff you know, when you're ready," he says starting to lock up the house. Not this again.
"I'm not quite ready for that yet," I answer.
"Fair enough. If you need any advice you know where to come"
I follow him upstairs. "Night sweetheart" he says kissing me on the cheek.
"Night Billie" I reply going off to my own room. I wish you were coming in here with me I think closing the bedroom door and putting my writing into my folder then turning off the light.
One month later...
I actually don't feel too ill at all. Tre wants us to all go away for a week so I asked if I could go back to London for just one last time. Then I decide I'd like everyone to come with us, Mike, Jen, Billie, Adi and all the kids. Everyone agrees. The flight over is long so I just sit and watch a movie listening to everyone piss about and having fun. I didn't quite have the energy to join in.
The London weather never changes; it's so unpredictable it could start off heavy rain in the morning and then by lunchtime boiling hot sunshine. Tre hires a driver and we drive around London seeing the sights in a huge people carrier. We go to visit the Kings Arms pub where we first met but Ken the old landlord no longer works there. We show everyone the rented house where the guys stayed with me for those two weeks and then Franky and I ask to go and see our old house again. It feels weird as it's not ours anymore and never will be. I love it here in England but know that this is no longer my home, my home is now with Tre in California, but I still felt the need just to come back just one last time.
Instead of flying directly home to California Tre surprises us with a trip to Paris. It was somewhere I'd always wanted to visit but never got round to. It's a beautiful city and we all decide to climb up to the top of the Eiffel Tower. It was a struggle for me but I was determined to do it. Everyone was so patient, it took me ages but the wait was worth it and the view magnificent. Tre started messing about and he got down on one knee and proposed to me again. "What are you talking about?" I said. "We're already married."
"I know that" Tre said "but I just wanted you to know that if I had the time again I'd marry you over and over" he hugged me tight then and the Francesca came over and we all stood hugging each other close. I wanted this moment to last forever and I didn't want to leave these precious people behind. Suddenly a Japanese tourist comes by and asks if we would like him to take some pictures of us. We gave him our camera and he ends up taking loads of the three of us just messing about giggling and laughing and then loads of us with all the guys together, my friends. What a wonderful day that was.
The flight home was long and my body was aching so much. The painkillers were hardly working now but I didn't tell anyone. Tre would only worry if I told him. I had a lot of thoughts going on through my head on the flight home.
Tre is next to me but is asleep. He can never stay awake for long on a flight I smile to myself, as his head keeps bobbing about onto my shoulder and I reach over and touch his hair, it was all silky and soft as always. I kiss his head and then lean down to my bag where I get out a pen and paper. I suddenly get the urge to write letters to Tre and Franky. I look over at Franky who I love so much. She is sitting the other side of Tre with her ipod on full blast and also watching a movie at the same time. I could even hear her headphones buzzing away from here. I'm going to miss you. Who will love you as much as I do?
Those letters I wrote were the hardest I'd ever had to write. On the front of each one I made a note that the letters shouldn't be opened until I'd gone. Two of them were for Franky for later on. One when she turned 18 and the other for when she married. Two events that I'd never get to see. I'd decided to give the letters to Adi to hand over when the time was right.
California, Two weeks later...
Franky in her room...
Mum has been in bed practically since we got back from Europe. She's lost loads of weight and her colour isn't right. I don't like going in to her bedroom to see her as it makes me sad. I don't think she has got long to go. I can't imagine Mum not being here with us. I try and get on with things the best I can but it's on my mind the whole time. I know that she can't stay like that forever and is going to die soon and I also know that she won't ever again be getting out of bed, coming downstairs to cook a meal, cleaning up after everyone, cracking jokes and dancing around the house like she does. I'm really scared about all this and I'm frightened that one day I'm going to go into her room and she'd have died. I've never seen a dead person before. Everyone is really kind and Adi and Aunt Jen are always coming round and doing stuff for mum. They try to make her look nice by putting on her make up and doing her hair but she just ends up looking weird.
Tre in the Bathroom...
This is killing me. Every time I go into our bedroom I'm scared she has died. When I wake up next to her in the morning I hold my breath in case she has passed away during the night. This is so unfair. She is in so much pain but never complains. Why should she have to suffer, someone who is so sweet, gentle and good shouldn't have to go through this. What will I do without her? I love her so much it hurts so to see her like this...
One week later...
Sammy's bed...
Tre and Franky are sitting next to me and I'm so very tired now. I'm finding it so difficult to keep my eyes open. I'm practically asleep nearly all the time and I've been lying in this bed for weeks and am sick of it. Tre and Franky are crying a little and who is that over there? Oh it's Billie Joe, Mike, Jen and look, Adi is standing over by the door. How nice of them all to come by.
It's a shame that I'm so tired and haven't got the energy to chat to them all. Tre and Franky are stroking my hands and saying that they love me. "I love you both too," I manage to whisper. I do so want to stay awake to see them but I'm just so tired I haven't got any energy left. I open my eyes for one last time to capture those two precious faces. I love them so very very much but I feel I can't carry on anymore. I'm so tired and aching that I just want to sleep. I think I'm ready now, the time has come so lets just get on with it shall we. Take me somewhere where I can sleep forever. Goodnight my lovely Tre and darling Franky...
Charlie is coming in two days. I completely forgot what with mum being in hospital. I can't wait to see him. It will be his fifteenth birthday when he is here and mum said we could have a small party for him. I can't wait.
I think Charlie was a little embarrassed about the party. It was only the usual crowd, Mike, Aunt Jen, my cousins, Billie Joe was there with Adi and her two boys and Frankito and Ramona were there too. We played water polo in the pool while Adi helped mum cook a barbeque and then I brought out a cake for Charlie. It was shaped like a football and he loved it.
"Honey have you given Charlie our present yet?" Dad said while we were all sitting round outside. Charlie had gone to get some more drinks with my cousins.
"No not yet" I wanted to give it to him later when everyone was gone.
"Or do you want to give it to him in private?" said Dad winking. Everyone laughed then.
"Dad shut up," I say blushing.
"Ah, young love," said Adi.
"Stop it you guys" I say starting to get a little annoyed.
"Leave her," said Billie Joe. "She's too young to have a boyfriend. Charlie's just a good friend isn't he Titch?" Billie said.
"Yep" was all I could manage. "Anyway, I'll get his present now" and sloped off, red-faced.
Charlie was so pleased with his present. It was a top of the range camera. He loved photography and was hoping to study it when he finished school.
"Thanks everyone" he said.
"You're welcome Charlie," they all shout at once.
Everyone started leaving shortly after and we got up to say goodbye.
Mum and Dad were clearing up when Charlie asked if I wanted to go to his room to listen to some of his new music that he'd got for his birthday.
"OK" I reply going upstairs.
As soon as we got into his room he grabs me gently by the arm. "I've wanted to kiss you all day Franky. I never thought we'd get any time alone. Can I kiss you now?"
"Go right ahead" I say putting my arms round his neck and sharing a long lingering kiss with him. His hands start to wander and before long they are trying to undo my bra. What's he doing? Do I want this? The bra is undone now and I panic.
"Stop it Charlie" I say getting annoyed. "I'm not ready for this yet. Sorry" I say then hurry off to my room. Was I ready? A little bit of me wanted to. But not quite enough.
After ten minutes or so I hear a knock at the door. It's Charlie and he's very apologetic.
"Charlie don't worry." I say. "Nothing has changed between us its just that I'm not ready to go any further than kissing. I'm sorry."
"I understand," said Charlie.
We hug then and share one kiss before he goes back to his room.
Two weeks later... At the hospital...
I'm at the hospital again for more tests. This time Adi has come with me, as Tre is away overnight filming an interview in New York. He didn't really want to go to New York but I insisted.
The doctor once again calls us into the room that I have grown to hate and I just long for him to hurry up and say that everything will be fine. I've felt so well over the past few weeks I don't feel as though I've got anything wrong at all.
The news is not good. Not good at all. He actually informs me that the cancer has spread and now there is nothing more that they can do for me. What? Stop messing. What do you mean nothing you can do? Of course there is. Cut out the cancer and give me medicine. What do you want me to do here? Give up and die. No way. I have a husband and daughter who love me and need me. There is no way...
... I came round and looked up at the Doctor and Adi's faces. I must have passed out. They get me up into the chair.
I sit in the chair for ages. Adi is in tears and says she is going to call Tre home from New York. I said it was pointless he may as well carry on and do the interview and I'd see him tomorrow.
Adi took me home in absolute silence. Luckily Franky was still at Jen's house. I couldn't face her yet. Adi came with me into the house and stayed all night with me. I don't think either one of us slept or spoke much at all. We watched the guys doing the interview. Tre was laughing and joking and messing about as usual. Part of me didn't want him to come home to listen to my bad news. I wanted him to stay like that forever, smiley faced and happy, messing about with his friends, just how I love him.
The next day...
How do you tell your husband and daughter that you are dying? Well with great difficulty. It was the hardest thing in the world I've ever had to do and I wish I could just have kept it to myself and never have had to tell them.
They're dealing with it in their own ways. Franky's sobbing her heart out in her bedroom with her ipod on full blast cuddling Buck the rabbit with Milton by her side and Tre, my Tre has called up his best buddies and they are downstairs with him now. I can hear him crying. I want to go to him but I feel he needs to be with them.
One week later...
Franky at Billie Joes...
I can't stop getting my feelings and thoughts down on paper. There is no-one to talk to about any of this so I'm just writing away here. Dad and Mum are having some time alone together and I am around at Billie Joe and Adriennes.
Its getting quite late and Adrienne says I should really stay the night. She makes a call to Dad and then says the spare room is made up for me when I want to go up.
"What are you writing honey?" she asks.
"Oh just some stuff" I reply but she's already busying herself getting the boy's things together to go into the washing machine so doesn't really take much notice. Joey and Jakob went to bed hours ago. Billie Joe is on his computer in the study and occasionally I hear the strum of a guitar.
"Look, its past midnight Franky" Adi says coming out from the kitchen and yawning. I need to get my sleep. I'm going on up to bed. Try not to stay up too late" she says and kisses me on my head.
"I won't Adi. Goodnight" I say carrying on with my writing and getting really engrossed.
"Hey Titch" a voice from the doorway. I look up and he's there. Bedraggled and tired looking just how I like him to look. He'd look like that if he'd got out of my bed I thought to myself but the thought went as quick as it came. I was used to these feelings. I just called them my 'Billie Joe and me' thoughts, they went away from my mind as quick as they came.
"I didn't know you were still up. Its past 1am" he says checking his watch. "You still writing?" he said.
"Yeah. I'm not sleeping too good" I say but then I yawn. "But I think I'll call it a night now" I say.
"Remember I'd like to see your stuff you know, when you're ready," he says starting to lock up the house. Not this again.
"I'm not quite ready for that yet," I answer.
"Fair enough. If you need any advice you know where to come"
I follow him upstairs. "Night sweetheart" he says kissing me on the cheek.
"Night Billie" I reply going off to my own room. I wish you were coming in here with me I think closing the bedroom door and putting my writing into my folder then turning off the light.
One month later...
I actually don't feel too ill at all. Tre wants us to all go away for a week so I asked if I could go back to London for just one last time. Then I decide I'd like everyone to come with us, Mike, Jen, Billie, Adi and all the kids. Everyone agrees. The flight over is long so I just sit and watch a movie listening to everyone piss about and having fun. I didn't quite have the energy to join in.
The London weather never changes; it's so unpredictable it could start off heavy rain in the morning and then by lunchtime boiling hot sunshine. Tre hires a driver and we drive around London seeing the sights in a huge people carrier. We go to visit the Kings Arms pub where we first met but Ken the old landlord no longer works there. We show everyone the rented house where the guys stayed with me for those two weeks and then Franky and I ask to go and see our old house again. It feels weird as it's not ours anymore and never will be. I love it here in England but know that this is no longer my home, my home is now with Tre in California, but I still felt the need just to come back just one last time.
Instead of flying directly home to California Tre surprises us with a trip to Paris. It was somewhere I'd always wanted to visit but never got round to. It's a beautiful city and we all decide to climb up to the top of the Eiffel Tower. It was a struggle for me but I was determined to do it. Everyone was so patient, it took me ages but the wait was worth it and the view magnificent. Tre started messing about and he got down on one knee and proposed to me again. "What are you talking about?" I said. "We're already married."
"I know that" Tre said "but I just wanted you to know that if I had the time again I'd marry you over and over" he hugged me tight then and the Francesca came over and we all stood hugging each other close. I wanted this moment to last forever and I didn't want to leave these precious people behind. Suddenly a Japanese tourist comes by and asks if we would like him to take some pictures of us. We gave him our camera and he ends up taking loads of the three of us just messing about giggling and laughing and then loads of us with all the guys together, my friends. What a wonderful day that was.
The flight home was long and my body was aching so much. The painkillers were hardly working now but I didn't tell anyone. Tre would only worry if I told him. I had a lot of thoughts going on through my head on the flight home.
Tre is next to me but is asleep. He can never stay awake for long on a flight I smile to myself, as his head keeps bobbing about onto my shoulder and I reach over and touch his hair, it was all silky and soft as always. I kiss his head and then lean down to my bag where I get out a pen and paper. I suddenly get the urge to write letters to Tre and Franky. I look over at Franky who I love so much. She is sitting the other side of Tre with her ipod on full blast and also watching a movie at the same time. I could even hear her headphones buzzing away from here. I'm going to miss you. Who will love you as much as I do?
Those letters I wrote were the hardest I'd ever had to write. On the front of each one I made a note that the letters shouldn't be opened until I'd gone. Two of them were for Franky for later on. One when she turned 18 and the other for when she married. Two events that I'd never get to see. I'd decided to give the letters to Adi to hand over when the time was right.
California, Two weeks later...
Franky in her room...
Mum has been in bed practically since we got back from Europe. She's lost loads of weight and her colour isn't right. I don't like going in to her bedroom to see her as it makes me sad. I don't think she has got long to go. I can't imagine Mum not being here with us. I try and get on with things the best I can but it's on my mind the whole time. I know that she can't stay like that forever and is going to die soon and I also know that she won't ever again be getting out of bed, coming downstairs to cook a meal, cleaning up after everyone, cracking jokes and dancing around the house like she does. I'm really scared about all this and I'm frightened that one day I'm going to go into her room and she'd have died. I've never seen a dead person before. Everyone is really kind and Adi and Aunt Jen are always coming round and doing stuff for mum. They try to make her look nice by putting on her make up and doing her hair but she just ends up looking weird.
Tre in the Bathroom...
This is killing me. Every time I go into our bedroom I'm scared she has died. When I wake up next to her in the morning I hold my breath in case she has passed away during the night. This is so unfair. She is in so much pain but never complains. Why should she have to suffer, someone who is so sweet, gentle and good shouldn't have to go through this. What will I do without her? I love her so much it hurts so to see her like this...
One week later...
Sammy's bed...
Tre and Franky are sitting next to me and I'm so very tired now. I'm finding it so difficult to keep my eyes open. I'm practically asleep nearly all the time and I've been lying in this bed for weeks and am sick of it. Tre and Franky are crying a little and who is that over there? Oh it's Billie Joe, Mike, Jen and look, Adi is standing over by the door. How nice of them all to come by.
It's a shame that I'm so tired and haven't got the energy to chat to them all. Tre and Franky are stroking my hands and saying that they love me. "I love you both too," I manage to whisper. I do so want to stay awake to see them but I'm just so tired I haven't got any energy left. I open my eyes for one last time to capture those two precious faces. I love them so very very much but I feel I can't carry on anymore. I'm so tired and aching that I just want to sleep. I think I'm ready now, the time has come so lets just get on with it shall we. Take me somewhere where I can sleep forever. Goodnight my lovely Tre and darling Franky...
