His Little Drummer Girl, chapter 36
My Mum died last night and now I want to die too. I can't believe that I'm not going to see her smiling face again. She's not going to be there when I come in from school, she won't cook for me again or touch my brow when I feel ill. She won't laugh at my stupid jokes or help with my homework. I can't hug her ever again and I won't hear her call for me to turn my music down. It's not fair and I want her back.
Dad is in his bedroom with Mike and Billie and I can hear him crying. He keeps sobbing big time but I can't go to him. I need to be alone to think about my Mum. I feel sick and empty and I don't know what to do. Buck the rabbit is laying on the floor and I go and get him then throw myself on the bed. The pillow is soaked with my tears but I don't care. I don't care how I look. Milton comes over and licks at my face but I just want my Mum back.
The door to the bedroom opens and I hear someone come in. I think it is Aunt Jen. She is sniffing but comes over to me. She touches my hair like Mum used to but it's not Mum and I don't want her there, all I want is Mum.
She speaks. "Sweetheart. I have something for you. It's something your Mum gave to Adi for you to open up after she'd gone. I think you should have it now." I saw her lay something on the bedside table and then leave the room. I look over and see it is a white envelope with Mum's familiar handwriting on it. 'My Francesca' it said, and on the other side 'for when I'm gone'. I tore it open and read the letter from my Mum.
Dear Francesca it said.
I know when you read this note I won't be with you any longer and you will be very sad but I had to write this letter to you sweetheart.
You know, I don't think you realise how beautiful you are. I've seen boys looking at you in the shopping mall and out in the street and I'm so proud of you. You have grown up into a lovely young lady and I'm sure you'll be a beautiful woman, a real head turner. I wish I could be there to see you meet someone special, get married and have children of your own but that's not to be.
Don't mope around too much after I've gone. I know it'll be hard for you but try and be happy for my sake and your Dads. You have your whole life ahead of you and you must live it. Follow your dreams and do whatever is in your heart. Don't be led by others (I'm sure you won't) but you must respect others feelings.
Take care of your Dad for me, as he may be a little sad for a while. At least you've got each other.
Always remember I shall be a shining star looking down on you my beautiful, special girl.
I love you so very much
Mum xxxx
Ps. "don't ever put a guy's phone number in your jeans pocket, it may accidentally get put in the wash"
"Oh Mum" I cry out. Hugging the letter to me I lay back on my pillow and cry for ages. Wiping my eyes I put the letter safely into my bedside table drawer and switch on my ipod. I play 'Extraordinary Girl' on full volume just for my Mum.
The Doctor has been to see Dad. I don't know what for but I think it's to give him some medicine so he can sleep. Who can sleep when my Mum has died? Why would anyone want to sleep?
At the same time...
Tre is in his room staring out the window but looking at nothing in particular. His body is shuddering from over sobbing and Mike and Billie are so concerned. They don't know what to do. The doctor has been and given him some drugs so Tre decides to lie down for a while. He soon falls asleep cuddling a T-shirt of Sammi's. Billie and Mike leave the room just as Adi comes in with the letter for Tre. She leaves it on his bedside table. She glances over at Tre's sleeping face wet from tears and feels broken hearted for him.
Adi then goes downstairs and helps Jen fix some drinks. No one has eaten for about 24 hours. They are devastated about the news. Although it was expected it still shocked them all. Such a waste, such a beautiful woman snatched away in her prime.
Billie and Mike are real grey looking thinks Adi. They need to rest and eat so they can be strong for Tre. Those three just stick together like glue, what one's feeling so does the others.
Poor Francesca. She doesn't deserve this and neither does Tre. How are they going to cope? She thinks.
A little later in his room Tre rouses from his sleep. His eyes feel sore and swollen but he doesn't care. He sniffs at Sammi's T-shirt then notices a letter on the bedside table. His heart soars. 'My Darling Tre' he reads in Sammi's handwriting and on the other side. 'For when I'm gone'. He hurriedly opens it and reads:
My Tre
When you read this letter I shall no longer be with you. At this moment in time it's so unimaginable that we won't be together. I'm so sorry that I got cancer and now can't be with you. What can I say? I don't think we've had enough time together and that's the saddest thing. I think there's so much more that we had to do but unfortunately that was all the time we had. But to me it was the best time of my life. I hope you feel the same. Yeah I'm sure you do.
I can't image life going on without you and me together. Selfish I know but how can the world carry on without us two together in it. You will have to carry on though and you must be strong for Francesca. She'll need you very much.
I'm sure you know how much I love you, you must do by now. I love everything about you. You are the kindest, handsomest, most talented person in the whole wide world and I'm going to miss you.
I know I shouldn't be saying this but please when you are ready, settle down with someone again. You need a woman around you and you have so much love to give. I give you my blessing Mr T.C.
I love you so so much. I don't know what else to say. Don't cry too many tears and think of me sometimes. When you look up into the night sky I'll be the brightest star there twinkling away at you but I'll get to be with our Samuel again. He needs someone to look after him. You have Franky now. She's going to need you.
Forever yours
Sammi xxxx
Downstairs as they were drinking coffee a shout from upstairs made them all go running to Tre. 'SAMMI! WHERE ARE YOU? Sobbed Tre.
Franky's bedroom...
It wasn't Dad that came to comfort me it was Billie Joe. He came to my dimly lit room and lay on the bed and just took me in his arms. We didn't speak to each other at all; he just held me and stroked my hair. Then he made me laugh by getting out a tissue, wiping my tears away and saying he wasn't in the mood for a tissue fight at that moment so threw it into the waste bin.
We laughed. He always makes me laugh. Mum said that Dad always made her laugh even when she was real sad. I must have fallen asleep on Billie Joe and he must have quietly left the room because when I awoke the quilt was over me and he was gone and I desperately wanted him back. He was the only one who understood how I was feeling.
The Next Day...
Billie Joe, Mike and Tre head off to the funeral parlour to make the arrangements for the funeral.
"Adi it was awful," said Billie on their return. Mike had taken Tre upstairs, as he couldn't face anyone.
"It's something I never want to have to do - Tre was just a gibbering wreck. I think its been sorted though and she's going to have a beautiful send off... " then Billie burst into tears. "I'm sorry Adi, it's all got too much for me. I can't bear to see Tre and Franky like this. It's just not fair." Adrienne went over to hug her man and they stayed there for ages, devastated at the loss.
The Funeral, 1 week later...
There are so many people here it is untrue. All the neighbours are here, even Fat Larry from the shop. I look around and see all the familiar faces. My Chemical Romance are here too. They look so cool standing there at the back but they also look sad. Their video of Helena has been on TV loads lately but I can't watch it all the way through as it makes me think of Mum. I haven't seen them since my party but Mum and Dad have seen them loads since then. They loved Mum and they had come to say their goodbyes. Everyone loved Mum.
I feel like I'm in a daze and that this isn't really happening and that Mum is going to jump out of that white coffin in a minute and say 'hey guys, just a little joke". Well come on then Mum and hurry up and do it, the joke is going on a bit too long now. I look around. All I can see are red roses, Mum's favourites but their sweet smell makes me feel sick and dizzy.
The priest is talking. 'I don't like you' I thought. 'You married my Mum and Dad, then you buried my brother and now you are burying my Mum. I hope I never see your face again.'
He did say some wonderful things about my Mum though. He even managed to make us smile a little about some of the quirky English things she would say. Suddenly people were getting up and going over to lift Mum's coffin. Uncle Mike, Billie Joe, my cousins William and Harry, Charlie and an undertaker were picking up the coffin and carrying Mum out. 'Come back Mum' I wanted to say. 'Don't go. Not yet. Please.'
Outside by the grave there is a cool breeze and I shiver. They are now lowering Mum into the ground. Come on Mum, now is your last chance to get out, but I knew that she wouldn't. I would never again see my Mum's face or see her sweet smile. What is Dad doing? He has fallen on his knees and is sobbing. He is throwing some red rose petals into the grave.
Billie Joe and Mike are trying to hold him up. Poor Dad. I feel like I am floating, I feel like I am about to fall into the grave with Mum. Please let me fall in; please let me get in there with her. Suddenly Aunt Adi and Aunt Jen are on either side of me, are they holding me up too? They are throwing earth on Mum now. 'Stop it!' I think. 'She wouldn't like that. She doesn't like dirt. Stop throwing earth on my Mum!'
"No!" I shouted. "Mum won't like that on her. It's cold and dark in there, get it off her, please get it off her." I sobbed.
The next minute I am being led away by Aunt Adi and Aunt Jen, back to some great big black car that smelt of leather. They give me a drink of water and a tissue. I look out towards the grave and see Dad. He is still standing there with Mike and Billie and they have a hold of him. They are almost dragging him back to the car. He gets in next to me and we cling to each other.
Back at the house everyone is having a drink but hardly anyone is talking. Dad is sitting looking out the window. He isn't crying anymore, just looking really pale, sad and lonely. I want to go over to him to give him a hug but I can't. Not yet.
I wish everyone would go home and just leave us alone. I want to be with Dad but they are all hovering around and Aunt Adi is filling glasses. How can you have a drink at a time like this? I look over at Dad and he has the photograph in his hand of Mum and him at Milton Keynes.
Their favourite photograph. He is hugging it to himself. Dad is in a real bad way but I still can't go to him. The room is full of people I don't want to talk to or see, some of them are even laughing at some stories about Mum. How can they laugh when my Mum has just died? Please leave my house and don't come back.
I decide to go out into the garden for some air but someone is already out there having a cigarette. It is Gerard Way. "Hey honey," he says kindly coming over to me and holding my shoulders. I could see his eyes clearer now they were a dark dark green. "Are you OK? Did you just want to get some air?" he said quite concerned.
"Yes just a little" I respond. He is so tall I'd forgotten how tall. Then I start to cry. He gets out a hanky from his pocket and gives it to me. He hugs me close then. He smells good; just the same as he had at my party, back when we were all happy.
"Thanks" I say. "But I think I need to be alone for a bit."
"I fully understand," he says. I didn't know what to do with his hanky but he just said "Keep it".
I go upstairs and lay on the bed and glance at the picture of me and my Mum on my beside table. "I love you Mum, you're so beautiful." I said and picked up my ipod. I find the song I want "Wake me up when September ends" then lay down and turn up the volume full blast. It made me feel a little better...
Dad is in his bedroom with Mike and Billie and I can hear him crying. He keeps sobbing big time but I can't go to him. I need to be alone to think about my Mum. I feel sick and empty and I don't know what to do. Buck the rabbit is laying on the floor and I go and get him then throw myself on the bed. The pillow is soaked with my tears but I don't care. I don't care how I look. Milton comes over and licks at my face but I just want my Mum back.
The door to the bedroom opens and I hear someone come in. I think it is Aunt Jen. She is sniffing but comes over to me. She touches my hair like Mum used to but it's not Mum and I don't want her there, all I want is Mum.
She speaks. "Sweetheart. I have something for you. It's something your Mum gave to Adi for you to open up after she'd gone. I think you should have it now." I saw her lay something on the bedside table and then leave the room. I look over and see it is a white envelope with Mum's familiar handwriting on it. 'My Francesca' it said, and on the other side 'for when I'm gone'. I tore it open and read the letter from my Mum.
Dear Francesca it said.
I know when you read this note I won't be with you any longer and you will be very sad but I had to write this letter to you sweetheart.
You know, I don't think you realise how beautiful you are. I've seen boys looking at you in the shopping mall and out in the street and I'm so proud of you. You have grown up into a lovely young lady and I'm sure you'll be a beautiful woman, a real head turner. I wish I could be there to see you meet someone special, get married and have children of your own but that's not to be.
Don't mope around too much after I've gone. I know it'll be hard for you but try and be happy for my sake and your Dads. You have your whole life ahead of you and you must live it. Follow your dreams and do whatever is in your heart. Don't be led by others (I'm sure you won't) but you must respect others feelings.
Take care of your Dad for me, as he may be a little sad for a while. At least you've got each other.
Always remember I shall be a shining star looking down on you my beautiful, special girl.
I love you so very much
Mum xxxx
Ps. "don't ever put a guy's phone number in your jeans pocket, it may accidentally get put in the wash"
"Oh Mum" I cry out. Hugging the letter to me I lay back on my pillow and cry for ages. Wiping my eyes I put the letter safely into my bedside table drawer and switch on my ipod. I play 'Extraordinary Girl' on full volume just for my Mum.
The Doctor has been to see Dad. I don't know what for but I think it's to give him some medicine so he can sleep. Who can sleep when my Mum has died? Why would anyone want to sleep?
At the same time...
Tre is in his room staring out the window but looking at nothing in particular. His body is shuddering from over sobbing and Mike and Billie are so concerned. They don't know what to do. The doctor has been and given him some drugs so Tre decides to lie down for a while. He soon falls asleep cuddling a T-shirt of Sammi's. Billie and Mike leave the room just as Adi comes in with the letter for Tre. She leaves it on his bedside table. She glances over at Tre's sleeping face wet from tears and feels broken hearted for him.
Adi then goes downstairs and helps Jen fix some drinks. No one has eaten for about 24 hours. They are devastated about the news. Although it was expected it still shocked them all. Such a waste, such a beautiful woman snatched away in her prime.
Billie and Mike are real grey looking thinks Adi. They need to rest and eat so they can be strong for Tre. Those three just stick together like glue, what one's feeling so does the others.
Poor Francesca. She doesn't deserve this and neither does Tre. How are they going to cope? She thinks.
A little later in his room Tre rouses from his sleep. His eyes feel sore and swollen but he doesn't care. He sniffs at Sammi's T-shirt then notices a letter on the bedside table. His heart soars. 'My Darling Tre' he reads in Sammi's handwriting and on the other side. 'For when I'm gone'. He hurriedly opens it and reads:
My Tre
When you read this letter I shall no longer be with you. At this moment in time it's so unimaginable that we won't be together. I'm so sorry that I got cancer and now can't be with you. What can I say? I don't think we've had enough time together and that's the saddest thing. I think there's so much more that we had to do but unfortunately that was all the time we had. But to me it was the best time of my life. I hope you feel the same. Yeah I'm sure you do.
I can't image life going on without you and me together. Selfish I know but how can the world carry on without us two together in it. You will have to carry on though and you must be strong for Francesca. She'll need you very much.
I'm sure you know how much I love you, you must do by now. I love everything about you. You are the kindest, handsomest, most talented person in the whole wide world and I'm going to miss you.
I know I shouldn't be saying this but please when you are ready, settle down with someone again. You need a woman around you and you have so much love to give. I give you my blessing Mr T.C.
I love you so so much. I don't know what else to say. Don't cry too many tears and think of me sometimes. When you look up into the night sky I'll be the brightest star there twinkling away at you but I'll get to be with our Samuel again. He needs someone to look after him. You have Franky now. She's going to need you.
Forever yours
Sammi xxxx
Downstairs as they were drinking coffee a shout from upstairs made them all go running to Tre. 'SAMMI! WHERE ARE YOU? Sobbed Tre.
Franky's bedroom...
It wasn't Dad that came to comfort me it was Billie Joe. He came to my dimly lit room and lay on the bed and just took me in his arms. We didn't speak to each other at all; he just held me and stroked my hair. Then he made me laugh by getting out a tissue, wiping my tears away and saying he wasn't in the mood for a tissue fight at that moment so threw it into the waste bin.
We laughed. He always makes me laugh. Mum said that Dad always made her laugh even when she was real sad. I must have fallen asleep on Billie Joe and he must have quietly left the room because when I awoke the quilt was over me and he was gone and I desperately wanted him back. He was the only one who understood how I was feeling.
The Next Day...
Billie Joe, Mike and Tre head off to the funeral parlour to make the arrangements for the funeral.
"Adi it was awful," said Billie on their return. Mike had taken Tre upstairs, as he couldn't face anyone.
"It's something I never want to have to do - Tre was just a gibbering wreck. I think its been sorted though and she's going to have a beautiful send off... " then Billie burst into tears. "I'm sorry Adi, it's all got too much for me. I can't bear to see Tre and Franky like this. It's just not fair." Adrienne went over to hug her man and they stayed there for ages, devastated at the loss.
The Funeral, 1 week later...
There are so many people here it is untrue. All the neighbours are here, even Fat Larry from the shop. I look around and see all the familiar faces. My Chemical Romance are here too. They look so cool standing there at the back but they also look sad. Their video of Helena has been on TV loads lately but I can't watch it all the way through as it makes me think of Mum. I haven't seen them since my party but Mum and Dad have seen them loads since then. They loved Mum and they had come to say their goodbyes. Everyone loved Mum.
I feel like I'm in a daze and that this isn't really happening and that Mum is going to jump out of that white coffin in a minute and say 'hey guys, just a little joke". Well come on then Mum and hurry up and do it, the joke is going on a bit too long now. I look around. All I can see are red roses, Mum's favourites but their sweet smell makes me feel sick and dizzy.
The priest is talking. 'I don't like you' I thought. 'You married my Mum and Dad, then you buried my brother and now you are burying my Mum. I hope I never see your face again.'
He did say some wonderful things about my Mum though. He even managed to make us smile a little about some of the quirky English things she would say. Suddenly people were getting up and going over to lift Mum's coffin. Uncle Mike, Billie Joe, my cousins William and Harry, Charlie and an undertaker were picking up the coffin and carrying Mum out. 'Come back Mum' I wanted to say. 'Don't go. Not yet. Please.'
Outside by the grave there is a cool breeze and I shiver. They are now lowering Mum into the ground. Come on Mum, now is your last chance to get out, but I knew that she wouldn't. I would never again see my Mum's face or see her sweet smile. What is Dad doing? He has fallen on his knees and is sobbing. He is throwing some red rose petals into the grave.
Billie Joe and Mike are trying to hold him up. Poor Dad. I feel like I am floating, I feel like I am about to fall into the grave with Mum. Please let me fall in; please let me get in there with her. Suddenly Aunt Adi and Aunt Jen are on either side of me, are they holding me up too? They are throwing earth on Mum now. 'Stop it!' I think. 'She wouldn't like that. She doesn't like dirt. Stop throwing earth on my Mum!'
"No!" I shouted. "Mum won't like that on her. It's cold and dark in there, get it off her, please get it off her." I sobbed.
The next minute I am being led away by Aunt Adi and Aunt Jen, back to some great big black car that smelt of leather. They give me a drink of water and a tissue. I look out towards the grave and see Dad. He is still standing there with Mike and Billie and they have a hold of him. They are almost dragging him back to the car. He gets in next to me and we cling to each other.
Back at the house everyone is having a drink but hardly anyone is talking. Dad is sitting looking out the window. He isn't crying anymore, just looking really pale, sad and lonely. I want to go over to him to give him a hug but I can't. Not yet.
I wish everyone would go home and just leave us alone. I want to be with Dad but they are all hovering around and Aunt Adi is filling glasses. How can you have a drink at a time like this? I look over at Dad and he has the photograph in his hand of Mum and him at Milton Keynes.
Their favourite photograph. He is hugging it to himself. Dad is in a real bad way but I still can't go to him. The room is full of people I don't want to talk to or see, some of them are even laughing at some stories about Mum. How can they laugh when my Mum has just died? Please leave my house and don't come back.
I decide to go out into the garden for some air but someone is already out there having a cigarette. It is Gerard Way. "Hey honey," he says kindly coming over to me and holding my shoulders. I could see his eyes clearer now they were a dark dark green. "Are you OK? Did you just want to get some air?" he said quite concerned.
"Yes just a little" I respond. He is so tall I'd forgotten how tall. Then I start to cry. He gets out a hanky from his pocket and gives it to me. He hugs me close then. He smells good; just the same as he had at my party, back when we were all happy.
"Thanks" I say. "But I think I need to be alone for a bit."
"I fully understand," he says. I didn't know what to do with his hanky but he just said "Keep it".
I go upstairs and lay on the bed and glance at the picture of me and my Mum on my beside table. "I love you Mum, you're so beautiful." I said and picked up my ipod. I find the song I want "Wake me up when September ends" then lay down and turn up the volume full blast. It made me feel a little better...
