Living life to the full (in my own private suicide), chapter 4
recap
I strummed a few chords before starting to play 'She's A Rebel', singing the words quietly as I played.
end recap-
I finished the song and looked up, everyone was staring at me. I put the guitar down.
"Uh, hate to say this but... personal bubble," I said drawing an invisible circle round me.
"Wow, you're really good, where did you learn to play?" Billie asked me as I sat back down.
"Callum taught me," I replied, "My brother."
"He's an excellent teacher, I'd like to meet him," said Billie smiling.
The smile fell off my face.
"What's up?" asked Tré frowning.
"Callum joined the army a few years ago, I just found out 6 months ago that he was missing," I muttered clenching my fists.
The urge to get my hands on something sharp right now was greater than ever. I closed my eyes tight.
"Wow, I'm really sorry, I guess this must be a really hard time for you and your parents," said Billie sympathetically.
That did it. I unwillingly burst into tears, sobbing into my hands.
"We live in the local orphanage," I heard Roy explain as he put his arm round me.
"I just made things a lot worse didn't I?" Billie muttered.
"Way to go, Bill!"
I wiped my streaming eyes; I needed to get my nail scissors out my bag, just to get some relief. I grabbed my bag and muttered something about going to the bathroom and hurried off. I locked myself inside and fumbled in my bag for my scissors, band aids and wrist bands.
I breathed in sharply as I made a cut half way up my fore arm, but the pain was replaced in an instant by a feeling of relief. I breathed out shakily and washed off the blood from my arm and scissors, put a band aid on my arm, slid on my wrist band and returned the scissors to my bag.
I looked in the mirror. My eyeliner was smudged all the way down my face I washed it off and re-applied it for the second time that day. I looked at my reflection, I looked marginally better. I unlocked the door and walked straight into Billie Joe.
"Ow!"
"Sorry, I was just coming to see if you were alright, you've been gone ages," he apologized frowning slightly.
I saw his green eyes dart to my wrist band; I put my hands behind my back.
"I'm fine," I muttered going to walk back to the others.
He put a hand on my shoulder and stopped me walking away.
I glared up at him defiantly.
"Let me see your arm," he said quietly.
I just glared at him for a few seconds before I broke. I showed him my fore arm. He pulled off the wrist band and peeled back the band aid. He raised his eyebrows as he saw the fresh cut and several scars on my arm. I looked away, not wanting to see what I'd done to myself. I knew it was stupid.
"Rebel?"
I looked up at Billie.
"Nothing is worth doing this to yourself," he said quietly as he slipped the wrist band back over the cuts on my arm.
"I-I can't help it, I need to do it," I choked, breaking down completely.
"I know it's hard, but you have to stop doing this," Billie said.
"You don't understand, this is one thing I can do that makes me feel better, it makes me forget, I know its stupid and I could cut too deep and never wake up but I cant stop now I've started, I have to make the pain go away," I cried sliding to the floor.
"Rebel, I know I can't make you stop, but please, just think before you do it again," he said sitting beside me.
I didn't know what to do or say to him. My mind was racing. He was trying to help me, but why did he care?
"O.K," I mumbled wiping the tears from my cheeks.
"Good girl," Billie smiled, giving me a brief hug and helping me up, "Come on."
He turned to go back to the others.
"Billie... "
"Yeah?" he turned back
"Thanks," I murmured.
He grinned.
"No problem, now come on."
***
An hour later Roy and I left and went back to the orphanage.
"How cool was that?" asked Roy excitedly
"It was great," I smiled.
My smile faltered as the orphanage cam into view.
"Home, sweet home," I mumbled as we started up the driveway.
Roy smirked and opened the front door. We went inside and were greeted by Charlie and a plate of sandwiches.
"Good even Charles," exclaimed Roy, putting on a funny English accent and taking two sandwiches off the plate.
"Don't call me Charles!"
Roy laughed and went upstairs.
"Hi Charlie," I said helping myself to a sandwich.
"Hey, have fun?"
"Yep."
"Did you meet them?"
"Yep."
I started to make my way upstairs.
"Did you like them?" shouted Charlie after me
"Duh!"
"Night Rebel."
"Yeah!"
I went into my room and fell onto my bed and almost instantly I fell asleep.
6 months passed, I wasn't eating again, but I wasn't cutting (much) anymore. I'd been following Green Day's progress and they were still as popular as ever but tragedy had struck the Green Day family. Adrienne had become pregnant for a third time but she had lost the baby. I remember the feeling of shock and sympathy when I had heard that news, but I had other things to think about. Roy had left. He'd gone to the half way house. Now I had no one. Charlie did his best to cheer me up, but nothing would work. My social worker, Marion, had tried talking to me but I just told her to leave me alone. My grades at school were dropping and I had no friends. I confined myself to my room and played my guitar and listened to Green Day all the time. Little did I know, that soon my life was going to change.
I strummed a few chords before starting to play 'She's A Rebel', singing the words quietly as I played.
end recap-
I finished the song and looked up, everyone was staring at me. I put the guitar down.
"Uh, hate to say this but... personal bubble," I said drawing an invisible circle round me.
"Wow, you're really good, where did you learn to play?" Billie asked me as I sat back down.
"Callum taught me," I replied, "My brother."
"He's an excellent teacher, I'd like to meet him," said Billie smiling.
The smile fell off my face.
"What's up?" asked Tré frowning.
"Callum joined the army a few years ago, I just found out 6 months ago that he was missing," I muttered clenching my fists.
The urge to get my hands on something sharp right now was greater than ever. I closed my eyes tight.
"Wow, I'm really sorry, I guess this must be a really hard time for you and your parents," said Billie sympathetically.
That did it. I unwillingly burst into tears, sobbing into my hands.
"We live in the local orphanage," I heard Roy explain as he put his arm round me.
"I just made things a lot worse didn't I?" Billie muttered.
"Way to go, Bill!"
I wiped my streaming eyes; I needed to get my nail scissors out my bag, just to get some relief. I grabbed my bag and muttered something about going to the bathroom and hurried off. I locked myself inside and fumbled in my bag for my scissors, band aids and wrist bands.
I breathed in sharply as I made a cut half way up my fore arm, but the pain was replaced in an instant by a feeling of relief. I breathed out shakily and washed off the blood from my arm and scissors, put a band aid on my arm, slid on my wrist band and returned the scissors to my bag.
I looked in the mirror. My eyeliner was smudged all the way down my face I washed it off and re-applied it for the second time that day. I looked at my reflection, I looked marginally better. I unlocked the door and walked straight into Billie Joe.
"Ow!"
"Sorry, I was just coming to see if you were alright, you've been gone ages," he apologized frowning slightly.
I saw his green eyes dart to my wrist band; I put my hands behind my back.
"I'm fine," I muttered going to walk back to the others.
He put a hand on my shoulder and stopped me walking away.
I glared up at him defiantly.
"Let me see your arm," he said quietly.
I just glared at him for a few seconds before I broke. I showed him my fore arm. He pulled off the wrist band and peeled back the band aid. He raised his eyebrows as he saw the fresh cut and several scars on my arm. I looked away, not wanting to see what I'd done to myself. I knew it was stupid.
"Rebel?"
I looked up at Billie.
"Nothing is worth doing this to yourself," he said quietly as he slipped the wrist band back over the cuts on my arm.
"I-I can't help it, I need to do it," I choked, breaking down completely.
"I know it's hard, but you have to stop doing this," Billie said.
"You don't understand, this is one thing I can do that makes me feel better, it makes me forget, I know its stupid and I could cut too deep and never wake up but I cant stop now I've started, I have to make the pain go away," I cried sliding to the floor.
"Rebel, I know I can't make you stop, but please, just think before you do it again," he said sitting beside me.
I didn't know what to do or say to him. My mind was racing. He was trying to help me, but why did he care?
"O.K," I mumbled wiping the tears from my cheeks.
"Good girl," Billie smiled, giving me a brief hug and helping me up, "Come on."
He turned to go back to the others.
"Billie... "
"Yeah?" he turned back
"Thanks," I murmured.
He grinned.
"No problem, now come on."
***
An hour later Roy and I left and went back to the orphanage.
"How cool was that?" asked Roy excitedly
"It was great," I smiled.
My smile faltered as the orphanage cam into view.
"Home, sweet home," I mumbled as we started up the driveway.
Roy smirked and opened the front door. We went inside and were greeted by Charlie and a plate of sandwiches.
"Good even Charles," exclaimed Roy, putting on a funny English accent and taking two sandwiches off the plate.
"Don't call me Charles!"
Roy laughed and went upstairs.
"Hi Charlie," I said helping myself to a sandwich.
"Hey, have fun?"
"Yep."
"Did you meet them?"
"Yep."
I started to make my way upstairs.
"Did you like them?" shouted Charlie after me
"Duh!"
"Night Rebel."
"Yeah!"
I went into my room and fell onto my bed and almost instantly I fell asleep.
6 months passed, I wasn't eating again, but I wasn't cutting (much) anymore. I'd been following Green Day's progress and they were still as popular as ever but tragedy had struck the Green Day family. Adrienne had become pregnant for a third time but she had lost the baby. I remember the feeling of shock and sympathy when I had heard that news, but I had other things to think about. Roy had left. He'd gone to the half way house. Now I had no one. Charlie did his best to cheer me up, but nothing would work. My social worker, Marion, had tried talking to me but I just told her to leave me alone. My grades at school were dropping and I had no friends. I confined myself to my room and played my guitar and listened to Green Day all the time. Little did I know, that soon my life was going to change.
