And I, love, I am a pure acetylene virgin.
I am truly a peculiar case of the psyche.
My ego is non-existant, the super-ego a hypocrite (therefore, I ignore it) and the id...?
Don't even mention that son-of-a-bitch's name around me.
I was talking to my counselor and she said that it was strange that I was almost afraid to feel any emotions, that I wanted to dwell in a state of feeling nothingness because it was safer, I knew the territory. She fairly much implied that I didn't want to drag myself out of my slump.
No wonder.
There is too many contradicting emotions and feelings out there and they all lead to the one path: depression.
I mean, something as simple as going to the store could possibly cause a hellish ride through the emotional works.
I'm dragged through fear of seeing someone I know or like or hate; nervousness of being in a place with so many people; excitement as a look at things that are nice to me like men's ties and paper lanterns; temptation as I see books and magazines that sweetly talk to my obsessions; hatred of the entire store and the basis it worked upon; shame that I actually was in the vicinity of the store; fickleness as I decipher what I wanted in the store anyway; merriment as I pocket something without being caught again...
All ending with me coming out the store, totally disgusted at myself and feeling nervous just incase anyone saw me or what I was up to.
Whereas, under this zombie slipcover, I do as the slipcover desires and my feelings are locked up in my mind. My mind sometimes questions this slipcover, asking why I was going to the loch instead of school or why I just spent half an hour staring bleakly into the shimmering river as the slipcover contemplated jumping in.
This slipcover is my mistress and my savior.
Freedom is Slavery
Orwell meant that statement as being ruled by the all seeing Big Brother, that being part of the system gives you a certain freedom: freedom from your own pesky emotions and thoughts. Susanna Kaysen also spoke of this freedom, the freedom that you had in the mental institute; you were locked up but nothing could be asked of you. No responsibilites and the like. In both cases, strangely, privacy is the price of freedom.
How can you be truly be free in your mind when your emotions hold you captive into living a lifestyle that bothers you?
My ego is non-existant, the super-ego a hypocrite (therefore, I ignore it) and the id...?
Don't even mention that son-of-a-bitch's name around me.
I was talking to my counselor and she said that it was strange that I was almost afraid to feel any emotions, that I wanted to dwell in a state of feeling nothingness because it was safer, I knew the territory. She fairly much implied that I didn't want to drag myself out of my slump.
No wonder.
There is too many contradicting emotions and feelings out there and they all lead to the one path: depression.
I mean, something as simple as going to the store could possibly cause a hellish ride through the emotional works.
I'm dragged through fear of seeing someone I know or like or hate; nervousness of being in a place with so many people; excitement as a look at things that are nice to me like men's ties and paper lanterns; temptation as I see books and magazines that sweetly talk to my obsessions; hatred of the entire store and the basis it worked upon; shame that I actually was in the vicinity of the store; fickleness as I decipher what I wanted in the store anyway; merriment as I pocket something without being caught again...
All ending with me coming out the store, totally disgusted at myself and feeling nervous just incase anyone saw me or what I was up to.
Whereas, under this zombie slipcover, I do as the slipcover desires and my feelings are locked up in my mind. My mind sometimes questions this slipcover, asking why I was going to the loch instead of school or why I just spent half an hour staring bleakly into the shimmering river as the slipcover contemplated jumping in.
This slipcover is my mistress and my savior.
Freedom is Slavery
Orwell meant that statement as being ruled by the all seeing Big Brother, that being part of the system gives you a certain freedom: freedom from your own pesky emotions and thoughts. Susanna Kaysen also spoke of this freedom, the freedom that you had in the mental institute; you were locked up but nothing could be asked of you. No responsibilites and the like. In both cases, strangely, privacy is the price of freedom.
How can you be truly be free in your mind when your emotions hold you captive into living a lifestyle that bothers you?
Yeah, I agree with Vonny.
]:
Skippy., April 16th, 2007 at 10:53:08pm
I believe that everybody should just go with the flow. That's what I do.
Just let things be, and don't stress over tiny things. Because, in the end, we all end up the same anyways.
*shrugs*
vonny, April 16th, 2007 at 09:00:28pm
There are some things that should never be closed off.
Your emotions are one such thing.
You'll never know how life can be good to you, too.
How sometimes the darkness disappears, because if you are alive, life should be lived, if only for these moments.
Sometimes i think we convince ourselves into these things, and if we gave ourselves to the moment, it would be okay.
Miley Cyrus, April 16th, 2007 at 01:22:55pm