Now I Need YOUR Guys' Help...
I like to give people advice on here, but now I'm at a loss for what to do now. Maybe some weathered GSBians could give me some help. I could really use it.
I need therapy. I need it bad. And my mom doesn't believe me. And she said, even if I DID need it, she wouldn't have enough money for the therapist I used to see. I try to tell my mom what's going on, and she's the only person I tell, but I can't articulate in words how what's wrong with me because it's WAY too complicated and it comes out all jumbled. She just thinks that it's "being a teenager" but I KNOW it's not. Unless you guys can help me out.
A. Are the things that I want help for normal or not?
B. How can I get help, given my circumstances?
SO HERE'S THE THINGS IN QUESTION:
- I KNOW my extreme paranoia isn't normal. When I go out for a walk with my cousin, for example, and we leave the parameters of my neighborhood, I become EXTREMELY afraid. I feel like there's someone who's out to get me. Not sure where, but I feel like there's a whole world of mad killers out there and they're just going to jump out of nowhere and shoot me or something. I'm afraid of going out on walks on the streets or around places in the neighborhood I'm not familiar with for that reason, when it's just me and someone else. I feel incredibly paranoid and scared and I just want to be somewhere that I know I'm safe and some mad killer won't get me. At night when I'm out for a walk, I can be driven to tears. My mom calls me crazy or a baby when we're out, or that I'm overreacting, because that kind of fear just isn't normal.
- I'm also paranoid at night. If I see a shadow I can't recognize, hear the door creak open, hear a strange noise, or see someone walk through the hallway I can't see at first, I freak out, scream and call for help. It's beyond being afraid of the dark. I flip out at hearing a slight noise or the tiniest shadow. I have to keep the TV on - not for the LIGHT, but for the SOUND so I can distract myself from those random sounds so I won't stay awake all night freaking out over them. Before I did that, I got virtually no sleep. Even still, I have trouble sleeping that night when I hear something. I feel like someone's always trying to break into my house, and whenever I hear a crash or a noise, or see a random shadow, the first thought that crosses my mind is that it's a crazy killer and, like I said, I scream and look for the nearest sharp object. When I have to go outside at night to get my bag out of the car or something, I POINTEDLY refuse. When my mom won't get it, I run outside and get it as fast as I can. Or I just won't get it and I'll go the night not doing my homework. When I'm out at night, I flip out at the first sign of a car nearing or some person in the shadows. I don't risk screaming out loud, because then I feel like they'll notice me and they'll KNOW I'm crazy. My mom tells me to grow up and stop acting like a baby. My cousin and my dad tease me, because they think it's just fear of darkness, and I'm POSITIVE that's not normal.
- I get freaked out when I'm outside and I see a car pull up in my neighborhood and I don't know whose car it is. I feel like there's someone inside who's going to run up to me and kidnap me or just shoot me. I also freak out a bit when I see someone I don't recognize walking down my block, because I feel like they're out to get me to. I run inside.
- I have IRRATIONAL and extreme fears of the following: HEIGHTS, flying, needles, bees, and the possibility of a tornado (therefore, I freak out during storms, rain, or windy days when it's cloudy). I mean... I'm POSITIVE that I've got acrophobia, and I'm so incredibly afraid of needles, bees, and tornadoes that I'm pretty sure that's not normal either. I mean... when there's SLIGHT rain (you should see me when it's cloudy and windy), I already start worrying if there would be a tornado. And I live in California. We NEVER get tornadoes. I've never been in a tornado. I DO have recurrent nightmares about them, though. The needles/bees thing is bad too. I run away when I see even a harmless little bee. And one time I had to get five shots in one days, and I was crying during my second/third shot, just because I hate needles that much. Is THAT normal? I'm not sure.
- I don't even know how to explain THIS. I've got a strange perfectionist's complex. But it's completely contradictory... Like, when I try my best at something and I just have silly mess-ups, ESPECIALLY in sports, I mentally berate myself for screwing up until I make myself feel like shit. A few, RARE times, I've cut over it. Until I've berated myself into the ground, then this "voice of reason" shoots up in my subconscious and then I try to stop berating myself and have a positive outlook so I can get better next time. And then, like... that doesn't go over well, because I beat myself up over my mistakes so that way I'll know not to do them again because I HAVE to be perfect at those things. And then that "voice of reason" shoots up again, and then I keep on having this "mental debate with myself" until I drive myself nuts and it makes me want to throw myself through a brick wall. I drive myself MAD by doing that, and I can't even help it. Those thoughts just pop up into my mind and I can't stop it.
- I don't think that suicidal THOUGHTS are normal. I mean, it's like... I know I wouldn't ACT on my thoughts, because I'm just too afraid of death. I don't know what's going to happen when I die, so I'm afraid of taking that step. So I wouldn't do it because of that, and I really don't want to go through the pain. But I have these thoughts that pop up, and they're like... "Let's just end it now." They pop up every now and then, and it's because I know my mind is SO fucked up and I don't know how to talk to anyone about it. The only person I've told this to is my high school counselor, but he had to leave and since then I've never been able to articulate it right. I feel like no one understands and that I'm the world's biggest fuck up and I hate myself for all my shortcomings and problems. I don't think this is normal either, wanting to end my life. I'm afraid that there's going to be a time that I won't care about the pain and the future and I'll just DO IT, all on a whim. I'm not sure if that moment will come, and I don't want to risk it, because at the same time I have a lot of goals and I don't want to hurt my family and friends. But one day, maybe I'll just forget about all that, I can't say.
And my mom doesn't believe me. I've tried to tell my mom about my weird perfectionist complex thing, or my paranoia about the dark or being in situations where I feel incredibly vulnerable and that people are always after me, or my incredibly irrational fears of virtually NOTHING, and she just tells me to grow up. I can't tell my dad because he'll overreact and start crying and take me into therapy and he'll stress himself out. I can't see my dad cry, he's not supposed to. He's in enough pain with his cancer and all, I REFUSE to burden him. It's not happening. My grandma will just tell my dad. My cousin... she's the only person I have. But then she'll tell my mom about the "suicidal thing," and then she'll tell my dad and then everyone will be all concerned about me and... pretty much, yeah. I don't want that. I just want to pretend that it's not there and when my problems resurface, they do. I'll put my suffering in the back of my head because I can't stress anyone out.
I need therapy and I don't know how to explain this to my mom. And I want to see a therapist with my parents NOT in the room. I need one-on-one. Or do I? I'm sure all the things I listed aren't normal. And I hate opening up to everyone on here again, but I REALLY need to resolve all these issues with someone who can help. And there's GSBians on here who give GRADE A advice. I really need advice. How can I get help?
I need therapy. I need it bad. And my mom doesn't believe me. And she said, even if I DID need it, she wouldn't have enough money for the therapist I used to see. I try to tell my mom what's going on, and she's the only person I tell, but I can't articulate in words how what's wrong with me because it's WAY too complicated and it comes out all jumbled. She just thinks that it's "being a teenager" but I KNOW it's not. Unless you guys can help me out.
A. Are the things that I want help for normal or not?
B. How can I get help, given my circumstances?
SO HERE'S THE THINGS IN QUESTION:
- I KNOW my extreme paranoia isn't normal. When I go out for a walk with my cousin, for example, and we leave the parameters of my neighborhood, I become EXTREMELY afraid. I feel like there's someone who's out to get me. Not sure where, but I feel like there's a whole world of mad killers out there and they're just going to jump out of nowhere and shoot me or something. I'm afraid of going out on walks on the streets or around places in the neighborhood I'm not familiar with for that reason, when it's just me and someone else. I feel incredibly paranoid and scared and I just want to be somewhere that I know I'm safe and some mad killer won't get me. At night when I'm out for a walk, I can be driven to tears. My mom calls me crazy or a baby when we're out, or that I'm overreacting, because that kind of fear just isn't normal.
- I'm also paranoid at night. If I see a shadow I can't recognize, hear the door creak open, hear a strange noise, or see someone walk through the hallway I can't see at first, I freak out, scream and call for help. It's beyond being afraid of the dark. I flip out at hearing a slight noise or the tiniest shadow. I have to keep the TV on - not for the LIGHT, but for the SOUND so I can distract myself from those random sounds so I won't stay awake all night freaking out over them. Before I did that, I got virtually no sleep. Even still, I have trouble sleeping that night when I hear something. I feel like someone's always trying to break into my house, and whenever I hear a crash or a noise, or see a random shadow, the first thought that crosses my mind is that it's a crazy killer and, like I said, I scream and look for the nearest sharp object. When I have to go outside at night to get my bag out of the car or something, I POINTEDLY refuse. When my mom won't get it, I run outside and get it as fast as I can. Or I just won't get it and I'll go the night not doing my homework. When I'm out at night, I flip out at the first sign of a car nearing or some person in the shadows. I don't risk screaming out loud, because then I feel like they'll notice me and they'll KNOW I'm crazy. My mom tells me to grow up and stop acting like a baby. My cousin and my dad tease me, because they think it's just fear of darkness, and I'm POSITIVE that's not normal.
- I get freaked out when I'm outside and I see a car pull up in my neighborhood and I don't know whose car it is. I feel like there's someone inside who's going to run up to me and kidnap me or just shoot me. I also freak out a bit when I see someone I don't recognize walking down my block, because I feel like they're out to get me to. I run inside.
- I have IRRATIONAL and extreme fears of the following: HEIGHTS, flying, needles, bees, and the possibility of a tornado (therefore, I freak out during storms, rain, or windy days when it's cloudy). I mean... I'm POSITIVE that I've got acrophobia, and I'm so incredibly afraid of needles, bees, and tornadoes that I'm pretty sure that's not normal either. I mean... when there's SLIGHT rain (you should see me when it's cloudy and windy), I already start worrying if there would be a tornado. And I live in California. We NEVER get tornadoes. I've never been in a tornado. I DO have recurrent nightmares about them, though. The needles/bees thing is bad too. I run away when I see even a harmless little bee. And one time I had to get five shots in one days, and I was crying during my second/third shot, just because I hate needles that much. Is THAT normal? I'm not sure.
- I don't even know how to explain THIS. I've got a strange perfectionist's complex. But it's completely contradictory... Like, when I try my best at something and I just have silly mess-ups, ESPECIALLY in sports, I mentally berate myself for screwing up until I make myself feel like shit. A few, RARE times, I've cut over it. Until I've berated myself into the ground, then this "voice of reason" shoots up in my subconscious and then I try to stop berating myself and have a positive outlook so I can get better next time. And then, like... that doesn't go over well, because I beat myself up over my mistakes so that way I'll know not to do them again because I HAVE to be perfect at those things. And then that "voice of reason" shoots up again, and then I keep on having this "mental debate with myself" until I drive myself nuts and it makes me want to throw myself through a brick wall. I drive myself MAD by doing that, and I can't even help it. Those thoughts just pop up into my mind and I can't stop it.
- I don't think that suicidal THOUGHTS are normal. I mean, it's like... I know I wouldn't ACT on my thoughts, because I'm just too afraid of death. I don't know what's going to happen when I die, so I'm afraid of taking that step. So I wouldn't do it because of that, and I really don't want to go through the pain. But I have these thoughts that pop up, and they're like... "Let's just end it now." They pop up every now and then, and it's because I know my mind is SO fucked up and I don't know how to talk to anyone about it. The only person I've told this to is my high school counselor, but he had to leave and since then I've never been able to articulate it right. I feel like no one understands and that I'm the world's biggest fuck up and I hate myself for all my shortcomings and problems. I don't think this is normal either, wanting to end my life. I'm afraid that there's going to be a time that I won't care about the pain and the future and I'll just DO IT, all on a whim. I'm not sure if that moment will come, and I don't want to risk it, because at the same time I have a lot of goals and I don't want to hurt my family and friends. But one day, maybe I'll just forget about all that, I can't say.
And my mom doesn't believe me. I've tried to tell my mom about my weird perfectionist complex thing, or my paranoia about the dark or being in situations where I feel incredibly vulnerable and that people are always after me, or my incredibly irrational fears of virtually NOTHING, and she just tells me to grow up. I can't tell my dad because he'll overreact and start crying and take me into therapy and he'll stress himself out. I can't see my dad cry, he's not supposed to. He's in enough pain with his cancer and all, I REFUSE to burden him. It's not happening. My grandma will just tell my dad. My cousin... she's the only person I have. But then she'll tell my mom about the "suicidal thing," and then she'll tell my dad and then everyone will be all concerned about me and... pretty much, yeah. I don't want that. I just want to pretend that it's not there and when my problems resurface, they do. I'll put my suffering in the back of my head because I can't stress anyone out.
I need therapy and I don't know how to explain this to my mom. And I want to see a therapist with my parents NOT in the room. I need one-on-one. Or do I? I'm sure all the things I listed aren't normal. And I hate opening up to everyone on here again, but I REALLY need to resolve all these issues with someone who can help. And there's GSBians on here who give GRADE A advice. I really need advice. How can I get help?
I can't help much with the other stuff, even though I've been through it all, but the night paranoia thing I can. Just listen to a CD or your iPod when you're trying to sleep and just focus on the music and nothing else. It seems to work a lot of me lately.
Lor, May 16th, 2007 at 11:26:34am
Firstly, stop refering to yourself as crazy. You're no such thing and you have to understand that. Any therapist you ever see will tell you that upfront and first.
Heights, flying, needles, bees, and the possibility of a tornado are not such abnormal fears, especially if you've ever experienced a tornado. I know how it is, it's extremely scary and it does make you nervous about storms. I understand that it must be very difficult living life, and being afraid of it quite a bit of the time. Some people have the opposite problem compared to you; they think they're invincible. They take no caution or safety advice and its just as hazordous as living confined to your own home, just dangerous in a different way.
If you feel that you need help for the things you said above, then it doesn't matter if it's normal or not, because you feel there is a problem. As long as you feel like that problem exists, it hinders your ability to be able to live happily and for that you need help.
Now, seeing as how your mother isn't taking you seriously, have you ever considered talking to a school guidance counsler? It's diffcult to share things like that with someone you barely even know, but they truely are there to help you. They won't be your therapist , what they will do is talk to your parents. Your mother would be alot more likely to take a professional seriously than she would you. From there it would be possible to set up therapy sessions. It will take alot of courage to walk into that office and confess that you need help to a stranger, but I know you can do it. If you feel that there is absolutely no way you can open up to a school counsler your options become much more limited. They have help hotlines you can call anonymously and they can provide you with advice. Is there any public health clinics in your area you could have access to? Im looking at your age and it's only 15, which I am as well and I know my parents wouldn't allow me to walk around a city without supervision or being with a group of friends. However, if you do have access to one, a doctor there can see you and anything the two of you discuss will remain confidential, depending on your regions laws reguarding patient-doctor confidentiality. They may be able to refer you to a therapist. The problem there would be paying and going without help from your parents. However, the doctor can also perscribe you medication if they feel that the problem could be a chemical imbalance or something of that sort. You could be producing too much adrenalin which leads to your intense paranoria.
On another note; you should never, ever take suicidal thoughts lightly. You know, you may feel they are only thoughts when reflecting on them, or think you're too scared of death to kill yourself, so do alot of kids. Some of those same kids ended up dead. When you're experiencing those fits of depression or extreme desperation, you can do all kinds of things you would never expect yourself to do. I firmly believe that no suicidal person truely wants to die, the problem is that they're tired of living how they are. So many people who attempt suicide and fail are so very greatful, because they didn't want to die. They just wanted help, they wanted things to change, and in an act of desperation they tried one solution to make things change. Normally, they'd never have done it, they didn't take their thoughts seriously, but when you're dealing with so many heavy, powerful emotions you can lose all control.
Kurtni, May 16th, 2007 at 07:48:40am
with the whole phobia at night thing, the very same thing used to happen with me.
what i did was when i got the feeling something was there, i imagined some form of protective type person fighting it of and keeping guard. it really worked for me.
ZootSuitRiot, May 16th, 2007 at 03:30:16am
i understand what you mean about the paranoia at night, i can relate to it i guess. Last year it as very bad though, i could hardly sleep at night cause i always thought something was there, nothing ever turned out to be there though, even though i seriously felt someone touch my head in my sleep and someone knock 3 times on my window, i just have to put that past me.
Try pulling the sheets over you head and turning out all of the lights so that there are no possible ways for a shadow to appear, and face a wall, it much easier facing walls when your sleeping cause you cant see anything but a blank wall.
im not sure if im much of a help, but i suggest you try some of those things if you cant sleep.
Vegemite, May 16th, 2007 at 02:34:29am
The phobias are different. Phobias aren't fears, you know? It's completely different when you're afraid of the dark, compared to lying awake fearing that some mad killer is going to jump through my window or be the shadow I see from behind the door when it's really my cousin coming back from the kitchen getting something for my baby cousin. You know?
Funky Platypus, May 16th, 2007 at 02:13:19am
I think that phobias are normal. Maybe you're just a little too paranoid, but that's ok. It seems as though you really want to get rid of all of this. If you can't overcome things on your own I think you should get therapy. They're here to help you, not tell you that you're just acting like a baby.
As for overcoming your fears I think that if you can't get hold of a therapist, try getting over your fears one at a time. Like what Punk! said with the bee. Just stand still and don't move. It won't do anything. Once you see how harmless certain things are you'll stay calmer.
*hugs* Hang in there. It's ok to have fears, just don't let them take over your life.
;) I'm afraid of the dark too.
threeam., May 16th, 2007 at 02:09:24am
The bee thing sounds like many people, but the other stuff (I will be candid with you), does not.
However, while this may seem cheesy and cliche, you are not weird or a freak or any other names you may call yourself. Please bear in mind before you beat yourself up that you were born this way and certainly did not choose it, so it is therefore natural.
Sleeping with the TV on:
While this may seem like a good idea, it can cause dependancies and when a TV is not available, only maximize pain. I suggest other ways of distracting yourself, such as reading for 30 minutes before bed and when finished contemplate what will happen next and how the story will play out.
I have had suicidal thoughts many, many times. I almost carried out my thoughts once, but I overcame it. If you ever have these thoughts again, always remember that there is no relief in death. You cannot stop the pain by killing yourself, because there will be no you to feel better. It is not a solution and cazn only complicate the lives of others.
The paranoia is a difficult one, which is much better answered by a therapist. Yes, I think you do need one, just because there is no one else to talk to.
Talk to a teacher and ask them to direct you to one. A school guidance counselor might even help, even though the old one left.
As for your sports related problem, think of someone you look up to, even someone you wish you were. Are they good at every sport? No! Do they berate themselves for it? No! Choose one or two sports or activities you are naturally good at and stick with them, and just seek to get better and better, but not perfect. No one, nothing, is perfect.
I'm sorry I couldn't be of much help, but please bear in mind what I've said.
Miley Cyrus, May 15th, 2007 at 08:12:59pm
My advice would be to sit down and write out these things to your mom. If you have trouble telling her these things in person, try writing it all out. I'd agree that the vast majority of your list is not normal. The bee/needle phobia, that's more or less common. I wouldn't be overly worried about it. Although if you were to go see a therapist you should definetly mention it. You're trouble with going on walks and leaving you 'comfort zone' is something to be concerned about. And the suicidal thoughts most certainly need to be dealt with, preferably with a therapist or your mom. You need to tell someone. Get the help you need. Writing it out in a letter would probably be easier for you seeing as how you write a lot. I hope things get better for you. I'm here if you ever need to talk.
TMTCR, May 15th, 2007 at 08:05:06pm
Well, since you seem to have such a problem articulating it to your mother in words, you did a great job of it here, and I suppose you could maybe show this to her. Print it out, have her read it, etc... and then maybe she'll understand.
And you're right. Those problems aren't normal and it would be beneficial to you to see a counselor. I don't know, if your mother doesn't listen to you, and you feel you can't articulate this to anyone else either, there is always the prospect of printing it out and showing it to a school counselor. They aren't going to be able to provide the help you need, but they could probably talk to your mother and convince her that she should, in fact, take you to get therapy.
And I understand not wanting anyone else to be in the room with you. If you do manage to get to a therapist, all you'd have to do was tell your therapist that you want your sessions to be private, and the therapist will be bound by his job to provide you that, and unable to disclose anything to your mother or whoever that you don't want to be disclosed.
Teenage.Assassin, May 15th, 2007 at 08:04:43pm
i agree with punk it is very normal,i know many people with the same exact problem. On telling your mom make sure she is really listening, and you shouldn't be ashamed of telling her it not like you can help (as of now) she will understand you. she loves you she would want you to get help
i hope it helps
Fallop!an Cwac Cwac., May 15th, 2007 at 08:02:24pm
A. It is normal. I'm guessing you have a lot of phobias. You can't get over the phobias right away, but after a couple of years, maybe less, you can get over them, then you won't be afraid of bees, needles and all that.
B. Getting help would probably be just trying to over-come your phobias. Try to stand still with a bee flying around your head one day, and you'll see it won't harm you if you don't harm it.
I hope I helped.
Protest, May 15th, 2007 at 07:57:15pm