A few words on MCR and diet coke induced temporary insanity.

I think it started as i was sitting up in bed, kind of daydreaming, even though it was the night. I was listening to my Ipod, MCR in particular. And as i don't generally sing along to my ipod at half past 9 at night, i was miming the words to myself, my crazy eyes in my planned stage-prescence persona, raving around like a deranged person, overly expressionful and kind of spazzy. And that led to a wonderful buzzy feeling in my stomach. By some logic i decided that that was my future, it was my frustrated future that was stuck here in the present and wanted to get out of me, buzzing through my stomach. So yeah, my future was buzzing through my stomacvh, and though i can't recall my exact chain of thought, i decided i wasn't going to grow old. Simple as. I wouldn't let myself.
Thats something that scares me. My mind is as much taken up being my future self as it is my present one. I know whats going to happen in my future, and i have no idea what will happen if it doesn't, as somehow i just know that that is what i am and that is what i am going to do, that is what i have to be, where i have to be, the only thing to preserve a sane state of mind and anything else that goes on inside me that's good. I'm going to be on a stage, or a recording studio, or a camera, and i'm going to be playing music. I'm going to be rocking faces. And i am so driven to that that i can see it clearly, but i can also see clearly now that i'm going to die young.
I don't know why. I just can't see, imagine, comprehend not having the option of a life in front of me, or being chased by death. I would much rather just knock on deaths door before he decides he even should be thinking about coming to fetch me, and thats just what i've decided.
Or what i decided last night. And i decided that, and then i laughted about how ludicrous it all was, deciding my futuure before it had happened. But in my mind it had. It was like i had read the book and now i was just watching the movie. It was all set out anyway.
So i laughed, and laughed, alone until my ribs ached, and then the tears ran down my face and i cried, while still laughing. And then 'Romance', the first track on MCR's first album, came on shuffle. And i stopped in my tracks, giggling to myself quietly now, wiping my eyes, and something about the song scared me shitless. If you don't know it, it simply acts as an intro to the album, a lone guitar playing an old-fashioned tune repeatedly for a couple of minutes, through the effect of a crackling radio. And it was making me shudder. It wasn't the first time i had heard it, and, true the first time it had been haunting, but this time it was goddamn terrifying. Then, i looked at the pile of coats on the spare bed, and damn near dove under my covers and cried again. And i have no idea why. Just in a pile, i stared at them, convinced that if i took my eyes off them they would come to life and kill me. No word of a lie. And then i sat on my bed and my door scared the shit out of me, as did my lamp, my posters, my guitar, my books... everything. Everythiong was sinister, everything frightening.
I sat in this paralyzed state for about 10 minutes until i felt slightly better, then started to read the Green Day biography i am reading at the moment, to try and restore some calm and normality. They started talking about the Insomniac album cover. I invisioned it in my mind and it scared me enough to slam the book shut, throw it to the floor, and read some fluffy Jacqueline Wilson kid's trash instead. But even that tinged into darkness, gripped me again, and i threw it to the floor. I put The Ramones on my ipod, something that didn't sound at all sinister or creepy, got up, turned the bathroom light on, left the door open and went back to my room, so i would have some light when i turned off my lamp. I did, tried to get to sleep, even though i had enough energy to get up and run a marathon. When i tried counting sheep, they all turned into strange, yellow-eyed beasts, foaming at the mouth and bleeding through the nose, scary, scary monsters. One of them, after i got to about 60, tripped over the fence and got impaled. Suddednly i felt as though the dead sheep's body was pressing down on me on the bed, crushing me. I quickly thought of something more mundane to count, and settled immediately on twigs falling down a waterfall. With that, i soon fell asleep.



If you read that, which many of you may not have bothered to, you could at least read this. It probably won't turn out as long, you won't hurt your eyes.

Insanity is a word thats bandied about a bit by us teenagers. We're paranoid by nature, and love the individuality and the general crazy idea of mental illness. I don't know whether it's because of punk or not, and maybe the 'Basket Case' video draws attention to it, but it's kind of a cool thing, i admit. Most of the great artists of our time and further back were in some way clinically insane. It opens new parts of the brain, lets us think and see things that we wouldn't normally.
And so with it brought forward and glamourized, maybe we have blurred ideas on what is and isn't insanity. Some people say that you don't know about it if you're insane. But my first thought when i thought the coats were going to kill me was mental illness, i admit.
So i have no idea what it was. And it's not me going to the shrink tonight, it's my little brother. Because the clearly doted upon child has developed a complex that he is under-appreciated, unloved and doesn't get enough attention, and has developed the worrying habit of scratching his face until it is red raw when frustrated.

You can't compete with visible stuff like that. He has scars. I just have wide, stary eyes and talk too fast and have mild insomnia and feel every emotion too deeply, like many other 13 year olds.

I dunno.

That was a few thousand words on insanity. Feel free to discuss.

Over and out.