Issues

hello everyone, currently (while i am writing this) it is about 2 30... in the afternoon, in ohio... somewhere an hour outside of cleveland, today i suppose is an ok day... normal for me in most sences, but to give you an idea of that ill walk you through it... typically, i get up at 6 30... ( i try to get up as late as possable of corse) and then i drive my mom's car to school (thats how awsome i am!) today i listened to Maraylin Manson (Antichrist Superstar)... ive found an attraction to him latly... which is funny cuse im not really a serious gothic person nor do i have bizzare clothing tastes... but black is a good color... when it goes with silver... so anyways not to get off track... after that i went to all my classes (im a senior this year so the schoolwork isnt really bothering me) this is where my issues start...

about a year and a half ago i took up a sort of bad habit... and this little bad habit led to a lot of little bad habbits... and for a while last year (my junior year) i didnt even know who i was, where i was, or what i was.... needless to say, it felt good to take sh*tloads of drugs and forget about everything... even in skool... especally in skool.... well, i kinda dropped the habit at the begginning of summer... just doing geen every now and then... no biggie... and then school started again... and i told myself that it wouldnt turn out like that again... well today... i found myself looking for pills again... hehehe... you see, and i know exactly why i was looking for them...

im perfectly fine when im alone, nothing ever upsets me, basically i hide behind a wall... emotions are a big big big struggle with me... im not emo... far from it... in fact i try my best not to come close (sorry emo people out there) i just cant stand the thought of looking weak in front of people... which is funny becuase i really am weak.... anyways... homecoming is coming up... and its usually not a big deal, but every year it seems to get worse and worse for me.... see the whole "you gotta find a date" thing is what gets to me... ive never had a serious relationship with any girl, im kinda scared of them (but thats ok cuse i can admit that on here... i dont actully know any of you) but im not gay or anything... anyways, all the dudes are trying to find me a date... and of corse im getting shot down like crazy.... and i dunno just this whole mess... id rather dream thrugh it then try and live through it....