Living with a Heroin addict.
“It’s that distance in your eyes and y’know . . . all those fantasies we had are like gold. There feckin’ hard to get.”
I still remember him saying those words to me after he had come around from a hit.
He’s just like any other person - except that he has a secret darker then most teenagers.
He gets up every morning and goes to sleep at night. He can read and he can write. He can drive a car but he prefers his customized chopper. Does anything in that sequence sound wrong to you?
While most people preferred to go to school and work, he preferred to shoot up in his bedroom. The smallest room in the house, with just one window and a double locked door.
Life isn’t easy. No one has a great life that rolls in a circle of fortune. But for others, life just doesn’t want to roll properly. It prefers to just halt, and take a new direction. I know this because I live with a recovering Heroin addict. It sounds dramatic, I know. But the reality of life is that drama is everywhere. We all have our own bucket of drama, mine is just a bit bigger then others.
I’ve always known he lacked the capacity to turn his back on addictions. But I never thought the guy I’d fall in love with, would put his life and family at risk, to get his next hit. On a good morning, I’d wake up and that familiar heat would still be enclosed around my body. I could feel his arm strewn across me and despite his loud snoring, I’d get a surge of happiness because I knew he had slept a heroin free night. Those were the days when he’d make breakfast and play with Kieran, who’s now a year old.
But then, in spite of those good days, there are days that are now occurring more frequently. The greatest example would be last Thursday. It was his birthday. He had turned 20 and instead of spending the night on the town with his friends, he decided to stay at home with me and Kieran. That’s the thing I love about him you see, he’s willing to put aside his day to stay with his family. It was a nice night. We just stayed on the couch watching Bad Boys (because even though he hates that film he watched it because I wanted to see it). I bought him a few cans of Dutch Gold, his favourite alcohol and told him “I loved you” and “Happy Birthday”. We went to bed and he fell asleep.
I fell asleep in peace, with the tips of his discolouring green Mohawk flopping into face. He didn’t have a hit that night. After spending 2 months in a rehab clinic in Limrick, he had learned to beat his struggle and use the drug less.
I woke up around 4:30, I thought I had heard Kieran crying in the next room. Turns out it was my imagination, so rolled over. The familiar heat had disappeared and even though I knew what was wrong, and I knew he was probably wondering the streets, I couldn’t help but allow myself to shed just one tear before I went looking for him. I didn’t have to look far. I found him in the bathroom.
Sitting cross legged on the cold, hard floor, his shirt and pyjama bottoms were gone. A cold sweat had plagued his face and a distant look in eyes told me all I needed to know. I didn’t have to look for the miniscule red mark where the needle had been. I knew he had injected into his thigh, probably the only place left in his body that shows the faint outline of a vain. Because that’s what Heroin does you see, in most cases your veins collapse. I heard him mumble something but to be honest, I didn’t care what he had to see. It’s become routine in life. He shoots up, vomits, I cry and stay with Kieran and at the end of the day it’s all hugs and tears about how it’ll never happen again.
The side affects of heroin are not just evident in the abuser, but also in the loved ones. Sometimes, I’m afraid to leave Kieran alone with him, and I can’t leave him on the floor until I’ve made sure there are no E tablets hidden beneath a chair.
So to be honest, I haven’t poured my hear and soul into this blog, because I don’t feel the need to. We all hear of it, the junkies, the losers, the deaths. Yeah sure, we hear about it, but do we understand it.
Most teenagers will say that part of growing up is about experimenting with drugs. Fuck that, my boyfriend experimented when he was younger and because of a stupid bit of weed, he’s now been to more court sessions then you’ve had hot meals. He’s been fined, jailed, threatened by other junkies, he’s turned on members of his own family and why? Because he decided he was going to try a bit of weed for the laugh. It got worse, he wanted to try more and then he ended up in rehab after heart problems.
In rehab they kept notebooks of their progress and they said prayers every night, asking for help.
I have an addiction. I can come to believe that I can cope with the help of a higher power. God help me get through the day.
That little prayer is still something I can hear him mumbling to himself around the house. It’s one of life’s ironies, that the harder you try the worse it gets. But I love him anyway.
To be honest, I don't know why I'm writting this. I don't know what it's supposed to be. It's kind of an I don't fucking know blog.
I'm not sure if I'm angry, annoyed . . . confused, which is what I probably am. I don't fucking know!
But for the sake of us all, and youselves more, dont do drugs. Don't make the mistake of believeing the person who says "That's part of growing up, experimenting with drugs and drink."
Are those people idiot!?!?!
Look what they did to my boyfriend. I just don't understand some people. I'm no angel, Jesus, I could write a novel on the things I've done. But please, just because your favourite bands experimented with drugs or your friend did it and got away scot free, doesn't mean you will. This stuff is deadly.
I don't know.
I still remember him saying those words to me after he had come around from a hit.
He’s just like any other person - except that he has a secret darker then most teenagers.
He gets up every morning and goes to sleep at night. He can read and he can write. He can drive a car but he prefers his customized chopper. Does anything in that sequence sound wrong to you?
While most people preferred to go to school and work, he preferred to shoot up in his bedroom. The smallest room in the house, with just one window and a double locked door.
Life isn’t easy. No one has a great life that rolls in a circle of fortune. But for others, life just doesn’t want to roll properly. It prefers to just halt, and take a new direction. I know this because I live with a recovering Heroin addict. It sounds dramatic, I know. But the reality of life is that drama is everywhere. We all have our own bucket of drama, mine is just a bit bigger then others.
I’ve always known he lacked the capacity to turn his back on addictions. But I never thought the guy I’d fall in love with, would put his life and family at risk, to get his next hit. On a good morning, I’d wake up and that familiar heat would still be enclosed around my body. I could feel his arm strewn across me and despite his loud snoring, I’d get a surge of happiness because I knew he had slept a heroin free night. Those were the days when he’d make breakfast and play with Kieran, who’s now a year old.
But then, in spite of those good days, there are days that are now occurring more frequently. The greatest example would be last Thursday. It was his birthday. He had turned 20 and instead of spending the night on the town with his friends, he decided to stay at home with me and Kieran. That’s the thing I love about him you see, he’s willing to put aside his day to stay with his family. It was a nice night. We just stayed on the couch watching Bad Boys (because even though he hates that film he watched it because I wanted to see it). I bought him a few cans of Dutch Gold, his favourite alcohol and told him “I loved you” and “Happy Birthday”. We went to bed and he fell asleep.
I fell asleep in peace, with the tips of his discolouring green Mohawk flopping into face. He didn’t have a hit that night. After spending 2 months in a rehab clinic in Limrick, he had learned to beat his struggle and use the drug less.
I woke up around 4:30, I thought I had heard Kieran crying in the next room. Turns out it was my imagination, so rolled over. The familiar heat had disappeared and even though I knew what was wrong, and I knew he was probably wondering the streets, I couldn’t help but allow myself to shed just one tear before I went looking for him. I didn’t have to look far. I found him in the bathroom.
Sitting cross legged on the cold, hard floor, his shirt and pyjama bottoms were gone. A cold sweat had plagued his face and a distant look in eyes told me all I needed to know. I didn’t have to look for the miniscule red mark where the needle had been. I knew he had injected into his thigh, probably the only place left in his body that shows the faint outline of a vain. Because that’s what Heroin does you see, in most cases your veins collapse. I heard him mumble something but to be honest, I didn’t care what he had to see. It’s become routine in life. He shoots up, vomits, I cry and stay with Kieran and at the end of the day it’s all hugs and tears about how it’ll never happen again.
The side affects of heroin are not just evident in the abuser, but also in the loved ones. Sometimes, I’m afraid to leave Kieran alone with him, and I can’t leave him on the floor until I’ve made sure there are no E tablets hidden beneath a chair.
So to be honest, I haven’t poured my hear and soul into this blog, because I don’t feel the need to. We all hear of it, the junkies, the losers, the deaths. Yeah sure, we hear about it, but do we understand it.
Most teenagers will say that part of growing up is about experimenting with drugs. Fuck that, my boyfriend experimented when he was younger and because of a stupid bit of weed, he’s now been to more court sessions then you’ve had hot meals. He’s been fined, jailed, threatened by other junkies, he’s turned on members of his own family and why? Because he decided he was going to try a bit of weed for the laugh. It got worse, he wanted to try more and then he ended up in rehab after heart problems.
In rehab they kept notebooks of their progress and they said prayers every night, asking for help.
I have an addiction. I can come to believe that I can cope with the help of a higher power. God help me get through the day.
That little prayer is still something I can hear him mumbling to himself around the house. It’s one of life’s ironies, that the harder you try the worse it gets. But I love him anyway.
To be honest, I don't know why I'm writting this. I don't know what it's supposed to be. It's kind of an I don't fucking know blog.
I'm not sure if I'm angry, annoyed . . . confused, which is what I probably am. I don't fucking know!
But for the sake of us all, and youselves more, dont do drugs. Don't make the mistake of believeing the person who says "That's part of growing up, experimenting with drugs and drink."
Are those people idiot!?!?!
Look what they did to my boyfriend. I just don't understand some people. I'm no angel, Jesus, I could write a novel on the things I've done. But please, just because your favourite bands experimented with drugs or your friend did it and got away scot free, doesn't mean you will. This stuff is deadly.
I don't know.
I honestly understand as much as one could possibly feel toward you.
I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I mean that sometimes people say that they understand but you know that they can't, so I'm saying that I can understand your feelings as much as anyone could.
My family has problems with drugs all around. Pills, cocaine, weed, and more pills.
But I am in love with a boy now, and he too has a problem with drinking and some problem with drugs. He drinks a lot, and I know that this isn't a big deal to people, and he also smokes pot, and I know that this isn't a good quality. But it was probably one of the most difficult things for me to stand up and go out with him, because I am in love with him despite the fact that he now makes the drug circle complete with everyone around me. I used to think that I wanted a boyfriend and I wouldn't have to worry about where he is and how he's getting home, or how high he was the night before or why he never called. But love does it to everyone- it chooses a challenge for you.
I hope everything will be okay and work out for you both. I pray that you both will get through this and your baby also.
-Tori
eh?, February 25th, 2008 at 11:05:05pm
I'm so sorry. Drugs do a lot of damage in families, too much damage. And it's damage that takes years to get over....I'm so sorry to hear about this. If it helps, I went through a dark time just like you when someone close to me turned to drugs instead of talking to her family. It ate me up inside knowin this. It's a hard thing to go through......I'm so sorry...
Barney Stinson, February 25th, 2008 at 03:38:43pm
wow, thats so scary...i'm so sorry.
i've already made up my mind that i will never touch drugs in my life, no matter what. the guy that has my heart right now smokes, and it tears me apart knowing what he's doing to himself....
i'm sure many people are going to not do drugs after reading this.
Bubble Wrap., February 24th, 2008 at 11:56:36pm
Drugs rob your soul, your mind and body and those who think otherwise are kidding themselves =/
I hope your partner makes it through to the other side, he will if he truly wants to and has the continued support you are giving him. It's a tough road, but he can make it. I've known a lot of addicts, some recovered, some haven't, but the one thing I always ask them is "What do you love more? Your family or your chemicals?" Sometimes that question sorts their mindset out.
Grandma, February 24th, 2008 at 04:59:06pm
Great blog. And I agree, drugs are bad. End off.
You gave me inspiration to what I can write about in a new blog =)
Thank you ^^,
Wino Forever, February 24th, 2008 at 03:56:21pm
I can't even imagine going through that..o_o..
threeam., February 24th, 2008 at 02:10:31pm
I don't know what to say.
But well, it's more difficult to be one,
I know better.
brompton cocktail., February 24th, 2008 at 01:52:21pm
I feel another inspirational blog coming on.
And you might be credited.
If I write it.
:I
captain america, February 24th, 2008 at 01:37:53pm
Well I don't really know what to say..
I'm going through almost the same thing with my dad and his drinking habits and stuff..
But I still don't really know what to think of that.
captain america, February 24th, 2008 at 01:37:23pm
Good! I'm delighted you said wow, It means you understand.
:feels better that someone will probably learn from this:
Mike N Tre Erections, February 24th, 2008 at 12:24:31pm
Wow.
BREASTS, February 24th, 2008 at 12:15:43pm