Worst Valentine's day. Everrr. Almost. Well, actually, i'll say it is.
Because you see my grandad died on Valentine's day last year, and kind of thinking on my feet(or fingers, whatever) i decided that that HAS to make it a worse day than today... right?
But you know, Valentine's day last year was kind of numb. My mum told me he's died first thing n the morning. We'd all been expecting it, and lying awake at 4am i heard my mum's mobile go off, and straight away thought "It's the hospital" and it was.
But last year... i dunno. It wasn't a school day. We drifted about kind of silently, not happy but not crying. We went to Hebden, we sat quietly in a cafe and ate toasties and drank milkshakes and tea. We dropped off a present at my mum's freind's house because it was her birthday, but she wasn't in. I texted my boyfreind to say happy Valentines day. He didn't reply.
But one year on, no deaths, no outward reason to be sad. And the day has been a peice of shit.
Here's why. They are shallow reasons but somehow they add up.
Last night i felt somehow optimistic for today. I don't have a boyfreind for Valentine's day this year, but there are a few guys who i vaguely like, and one who i love, but we shall disregard. That is for some other long, long blog some day. And i thought... you know, i might get asked out. No matter who i am, what i look like, how wierd i am seen as, i thought it may well happen. And i went to sleep fairly confident that that could very well happen. After all, it is Valentines day and all.
But no. I have learned that in this brutal generation of 13/14 year olds, you cannot trust people not to be shallow. One of the first things said to me this morning, a boy called Jamie was hugging the few people who were at school that early, saying he was 'spreading the love', hugging everyone 'exept Rennie(the boy with Aspergers) and That Fat Gypsy Thing".
And that is what i am. That Fat Gypsy Thing. Or That Fat Hippie Gypsy Thing. Or Him...It...That. Thake your pick
And that is what i accepted a couple of weeks ago but has finally hit home. I really am not an attractive person. You know your parents say it's all jealousy if kids call yu ugly? They're wrong. Because i doubt they're jealous of the mentally disabled kid, or the fat kid, or whatever. 13 year olds don't tease if they're jealous. They tease because they're pointing out the obvious, they see a freak and they call it a freak, simple as.
Personality can't help you be loved. If you meet someone, they see your face, not your soul. It would take a long time and a remarkable boy to start flirting with an ugly girl because she is smart and cleaver and kind.
So, for the near future, i suppose that's it. It's all i want really, to be loved. Yes, i am 13, you may say i have plenty more time for that to happen, but... i feel so goddamn old sometimes, you know? I feel about 30, like i've been living so so long and the world is taking such a long time to sort itself out, and i'm a 13 year old stuck in a 30 year old's body. A pretty girl stuck in an ugly girl's body.
And that ruined it, the dull realisation that what i see in the mirror when i feel good isn't what other people see, and what i see at times like this is.
And i'm sick of being an underdog with my freinds. With Kathy. I am actually sick of taking her shit. I'm the one who is shot down, dumped on, made to feel guilty, all the time. I said to her yesterday if it made her feel good, shooting me down. She said yes, it made her feel a lot better. So i am her stress ball, and she can crush me up if she likes to make her feel big. And i can't stand it. I realise now that however many times i sort it out, and it's fine for a few months, it's always going to go like this again. It's just how she is, in her nature. She's always been a strong personality, and i'm just... kind of floaty. I wear a vacant expression and let people do what they like, and it's instinct to just let it happen, however much it hurts.
And i have a cold and feel sick.
And have felt like i was being followed all day.
That concludes this essay on why my day was shit.
I really know how to fill a blog up, don't i?
Aye.
Over and out.
But you know, Valentine's day last year was kind of numb. My mum told me he's died first thing n the morning. We'd all been expecting it, and lying awake at 4am i heard my mum's mobile go off, and straight away thought "It's the hospital" and it was.
But last year... i dunno. It wasn't a school day. We drifted about kind of silently, not happy but not crying. We went to Hebden, we sat quietly in a cafe and ate toasties and drank milkshakes and tea. We dropped off a present at my mum's freind's house because it was her birthday, but she wasn't in. I texted my boyfreind to say happy Valentines day. He didn't reply.
But one year on, no deaths, no outward reason to be sad. And the day has been a peice of shit.
Here's why. They are shallow reasons but somehow they add up.
Last night i felt somehow optimistic for today. I don't have a boyfreind for Valentine's day this year, but there are a few guys who i vaguely like, and one who i love, but we shall disregard. That is for some other long, long blog some day. And i thought... you know, i might get asked out. No matter who i am, what i look like, how wierd i am seen as, i thought it may well happen. And i went to sleep fairly confident that that could very well happen. After all, it is Valentines day and all.
But no. I have learned that in this brutal generation of 13/14 year olds, you cannot trust people not to be shallow. One of the first things said to me this morning, a boy called Jamie was hugging the few people who were at school that early, saying he was 'spreading the love', hugging everyone 'exept Rennie(the boy with Aspergers) and That Fat Gypsy Thing".
And that is what i am. That Fat Gypsy Thing. Or That Fat Hippie Gypsy Thing. Or Him...It...That. Thake your pick
And that is what i accepted a couple of weeks ago but has finally hit home. I really am not an attractive person. You know your parents say it's all jealousy if kids call yu ugly? They're wrong. Because i doubt they're jealous of the mentally disabled kid, or the fat kid, or whatever. 13 year olds don't tease if they're jealous. They tease because they're pointing out the obvious, they see a freak and they call it a freak, simple as.
Personality can't help you be loved. If you meet someone, they see your face, not your soul. It would take a long time and a remarkable boy to start flirting with an ugly girl because she is smart and cleaver and kind.
So, for the near future, i suppose that's it. It's all i want really, to be loved. Yes, i am 13, you may say i have plenty more time for that to happen, but... i feel so goddamn old sometimes, you know? I feel about 30, like i've been living so so long and the world is taking such a long time to sort itself out, and i'm a 13 year old stuck in a 30 year old's body. A pretty girl stuck in an ugly girl's body.
And that ruined it, the dull realisation that what i see in the mirror when i feel good isn't what other people see, and what i see at times like this is.
And i'm sick of being an underdog with my freinds. With Kathy. I am actually sick of taking her shit. I'm the one who is shot down, dumped on, made to feel guilty, all the time. I said to her yesterday if it made her feel good, shooting me down. She said yes, it made her feel a lot better. So i am her stress ball, and she can crush me up if she likes to make her feel big. And i can't stand it. I realise now that however many times i sort it out, and it's fine for a few months, it's always going to go like this again. It's just how she is, in her nature. She's always been a strong personality, and i'm just... kind of floaty. I wear a vacant expression and let people do what they like, and it's instinct to just let it happen, however much it hurts.
And i have a cold and feel sick.
And have felt like i was being followed all day.
That concludes this essay on why my day was shit.
I really know how to fill a blog up, don't i?
Aye.
Over and out.
that would really suck!!! i would be dead sad.
Numb Skull, February 16th, 2007 at 03:29:45am