Whats the point of a best friend like this.

I hate my best friend.

I call this girl my best friend in the world, my sister. But when I do I feel like a fake, I feel like a liar. Everything she says I laugh at. Everything she does I look down on. I see her as a liar. I see her as ugly, inside and out. I see the real and true person she is, not the one she wants everyone to see and I just hate her. I know this sounds terrible, but let me explain.

I met my best friend almost three years ago when we both started college. We came from neighboring towns and were put together as room mates by our university. We had a rough start. Our friendship started with sort of a rivalry. Eventually we got over it and became "best friends". She's been there for me through a lot of really bad times and I guess thats why I call her my best friend. But, she has neglected me through a lot of very bad times and very good times, times you would expect a friend to be there for you.

At first I trusted her and believed her because she puts off this saintly, caring front. I soon realized that its just a facade, but for some reason I thought maybe the fake girl was only fake to everyone else, not me. Then as time passed I learned about her lies. I trusted her so completely that when other people would tell me she was lying to me and talking about me behind my back I didn't believe them. Eventually so many people had said she was doing these horrible things I had no choice but to believe that it had to be at least partially true. Being around her I figured out that she was fake to each and every person she came into contact with. She lied for no reason, she made up excuses, she talked behind any one and every one's back. So why wouldn't she do the same to me?

Six months ago I fell in love with my boyfriend. I met him because he is my "best friend"'s older brother's best friend. He has known her for much longer than I have and sadly he confirmed the things I feared. She is a fake.

I have tried to hold on to our friendship but sadly my hatred has begun to grow out of control. Every time I hear her name its like a stab to my heart. She has lied to me about so many things that it isn't bearable. The worst part is, she not only lied to me about the big things, she lied about the little things, the things I wouldn't have cared if she had just told the truth. Worst of all I have found her pattern, she has become the most predictable pathetic person I know.

Our friendship is fading and it is not due to me at all. Like always, she will turn to those who she sees on a daily basis and begin this sick hatred for those who do not constantly physically see her. I've seen it with others and it will be a cold day in hell when I too hang on to her as she viciously rips me apart. To her its a crime not to be doing what she is doing, living the life she is leading. She only needs me if I'm the only one left, which I often am. Eventually she will need me again, I just don't know if I will be there. I don't know if she deserves it.

The hatred I have for her is one that stems from love. I loved her like my own sister, and I hate her like a sister as well. I know her so well that every flaw is apparent and believe me she has many. This may seem harsh, but it takes three or more years of knowing this girl to judge her this way. Every bit of animosity towards her is deserved.

I am not a hateful person. I am very loving and forgiving. But she has hurt me in a way that my worst enemy couldn't. She was supposed to love me but instead she treated me like trash, just like she treats the rest of the world. In the end, though, i feel very sorry for her. One day she will finally see herself the way the world sees her.

stuck up
pill addicted
ugly inside

Maybe she will come to me when she finds this out. Or maybe she will go to one of her temporary friends. Or, maybe she already knows these things but sees her self as too fucked up to change.

I don't even know if I should be there for her when her life crashes down yet again. I am ALWAYS there for her, she is never there for me.

I am sad that I have so much hate for a person that I am supposed to love unconditionally. I am just so tired of being the friend that is used and abused. I am tired of being the fat ugly girl that is the convenient friend. Sometimes I think she is only my friend when she can feel like she is better than me. The sad truth is I have everything I need, everything I want. I have the life she thought she was supposed to have. But instead of sharing in my joy, she wants to pull away because she can't take it. Its times like this why I wonder why I even try to have friends. Does it really matter? I am 20 years old, I live with my boyfriend, I rent my own house, pay my own bills, work my job, and try to find a way through it all to make it through college. What do I even need friends like this for?
Posted on June 11th, 2010 at 09:03pm


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