Sleepiness and Hopelessness

The feeling of sleepiness is magical. It makes things, complicated things so much easier. Who cares about the future, oil crisises, my own miseries...when I can sleep. People often say that cliché of : How can they sleep at night?

How can anyone if they don't feel sleepy?

I've slept 32 hours in the last 48. I only ever got up to feed the cat or take my meds then I crawled back into bed. I feel ill. Light burns with all it's mystical radiation. It hurts my eyes and hurts my head. But even so, all the blankets do not feel heavy enough. Even if I crawled under my mattress it still wouldn't feel heavy enough.

I live alone now, with my anxiety-ridden cat who looks more like a kitten because she hardly ever eats.

I have two films that I watch continously : Girl, Interrupted and Little Miss Sunshine. The first one makes me paranoid and jumpy and the second makes me cry. It's supposed to be a comedy film but when the guy's dream of being a jet pilot ended...I can't help but cry.

Hopelessness, on the other hand, is the only other feeling I can feel right now. How can I bother to study or do anything "normal" when it feels doomed anyway? Then the sleepiness comes and I forget all about it until I wake up again.

Sometimes, I wish I had a physical disease that could kill me or something tangible at least. A cold, a flu, an infested cut or two. Something I can see and cure - more or less - or if not cure, at least know it's there, that I'm not making it all up in my head or spend so long trying to figure out what is my mental illness. I know I have depression (Oh wonderful.) but there is something else. I know there is. Maybe it's only because the pills don't work or I'm a hypochondriac or maybe they are keeping it from me. Borderline Personality Disorder - I have the symptoms for that -, Manic Depression - That too even the hell of all illnesses, schizophrenia. I could have a million and one mental illnesses and yet they still insist it's only plain old simple pimple depression. Why? I'm not terrifically sad all the time, I don't need to be on 24 hour suicide watch. There's periods of insane happiness for which I can't explain and even greater periods of nothing, like right now. No feelings. No tears. No laughter.

Nothing.

I don't want to study for my exams. I'm going to fail anyway. Who cares? Everyone else gives a damn except me. That makes me feel inept, childlike, outsider - again. Why are my thoughts different?

I have different views to everyone else. I don't like Disney or Wal-Mart or McDonalds because the whole concept makes me scared. Deal with it. I have a fear of big business. I have a fear of politics too. I love politics but because my opinions are so skewed, there's little point in me having a say at all. My grandmother's sheltered housing is gonna get knocked down and I'm gonna try and help but it won't work, then it'll be my fault that they all have to move. I can't handle that pressure - but I can't refuse.

Maybe I should just run away and become a hermit in Belgium. I can't annoy anyone if I'm stuck in a cave.

That's all I ever do, annoy people. I've probably pissed off a lot of people with my blogs already so I should just shut up. Then again, I'll probably just continue to piss people off.

I wish that my mother had aborted me then I wouldn't need to think or talk so much.

Or, maybe I wish I could just sleep. Sleep and write poems and sleep some more.

I'm such a useless artivcle. I feel like a chocolate kettle.

I wish I hadn't said chocolate now. I feel ill again.