Everybody's changing
I'm fourteen years old. That'd make you quickly judge me as immature, naive, new to how this world works and inexperienced. But if I'd count on fingers how many phases my life has been through, I could as well seem like eighty.
I bought my first horse comic with dad when aged three. I still have it. I began riding horses three years later. I was never the daring girl who'd aim at the next target and then immediately the next; I was afraid of falling, afraid of hurting the horse, jumping, galloping. I'd rather look after the horses, take them for a slow walking pace. I tried competing but didn't like it. I went to riding camps, took lessons once a week. After five years I was sick and tired of horses and riding; that phase of my life was over.
I've learned that I'm careful when it comes to sports, afraid of getting hurt. I don't want to measure my own capacity to others; I'm myself and I will not compete against anyone else than me.
In third to fifth grade, I listened to pop music such as Britney Spears and hit radio stations. Why would I be ashamed? I was nine years old and that was my life then. I was telling my parents that they had to help me build a career, 'cause all super stars begun training early, I heard. I sang horribly indeed in front of my mirror; the living room was my stage with thousands of screaming fans, accompanied by my karaoke machine.
The summer after fifth grade, I had gotten into Green Day. I could (and already have) write an entire other blog about it. I put the American Idiot album on repeat the entire summer, bought all the cds and began adoring these three guys.
I don't listen to Green Day 24/7 anymore, but they will remain my favorite band. I've got no idea where I'd be today if I never heard those songs on the radio almost four years ago. I've learned so much about music and entertainment, confidence, politics, english, even geography. It got me into photography, writing, poetry, guitar, singing. I've figured how I love performing; material that came straight from my heart.
My first love struck me when I was twelve; he was fifteen. I still think he's beautiful; black hair that he always shook out of those eyes which color I could never put words to - somewhere between blue, green and grey. He played guitar nearly every break in school. He fascinated me. Just a few words from him and I'd be walking on clouds. It was all those clichés; weak knees, speeding pulse and shy smiles. But things go wrong, people change, you know? He moved. He got out of my life.
I don't cry over that guy anymore, but I learned so much from being in love with him. It was a huge thing for me to fall in love, it was a huge thing for me to fall out of love, but I learned that life goes on and no matter how cliché and silly it sounds, I believe there will come a day when you meet someone who loves you more than anyone else in the entire world, just like you love him/her. It was my first experience of love, relationships and sex. Even though that phase of my first love is over, the experiences are still inside me, part of who I am today.
For a while, I adored harajuku girls. I stole the ideas I liked and used them and modeled them myself. I'd walk around wearing huge polkadot skirts, bows in my hair, funny t-shirts and bought dozens of knee socks. I don't dress like that anymore; but I had so much fun, felt akin with others wearing different clothes.
During a year, I hated myself. I hated everything about my body, from hair to toes. I considered myself a disgusting, mean, disloyal, selfish creature; I barely thought I had the rights to call myself human. I thought worrying about everything would eventually kill me, I was almost preparing to die young.
I know now, two years later, that I never was a horrible person. I don't know why I thought I was, but I guess it's part of growing up. I hope that one day, maybe when I've grown another two years older, I will know what actually happened to my mind. There is no reason for me to hate myself. I'm far from perfect just like everyone, but at least I'm kind to people around me, understanding and caring. I'm a lot of fun and make people laugh. I've got a lot of friends. I get good grades. I'm creative. I'm comfortable in this body; I focus on my best parts. This world is a beautiful place, this life we all live is a miracle, and I'm going to spend my time loving it. There is no reason for me to block all these wonderful things out.
I had a short phase of obsessing over Sid Vicious. I no longer do, but I learned about revolution, what drugs really do to people, I learned more about psychology, I learned to not judge drug addicts or people behaving badly before I know the reasons.
I've gone through thousands of changes, some lasted for a week, some for years, some will never change. I've dreamed of so many guys. I've gotten sick of so many t-shirts. I've had so many different hair cuts. I've played so many CDs til they break.
It might frustrate you how your life changes so much. But I think these phases stay within and become a part of who you are now and who you will eventually become. Your choices in this life are your own, I'd say, follow what your heart says now. Live for today, who you are now, not who'd you like to be, not for what everybody else says or thinks. You might change your mind in a year or two, but there's no reason to look back and feel ashamed. Our memories are beautiful. They show who we were, who we are, but probably most beautifully - not who we will become. Because that is completely up to you.
I bought my first horse comic with dad when aged three. I still have it. I began riding horses three years later. I was never the daring girl who'd aim at the next target and then immediately the next; I was afraid of falling, afraid of hurting the horse, jumping, galloping. I'd rather look after the horses, take them for a slow walking pace. I tried competing but didn't like it. I went to riding camps, took lessons once a week. After five years I was sick and tired of horses and riding; that phase of my life was over.
I've learned that I'm careful when it comes to sports, afraid of getting hurt. I don't want to measure my own capacity to others; I'm myself and I will not compete against anyone else than me.
In third to fifth grade, I listened to pop music such as Britney Spears and hit radio stations. Why would I be ashamed? I was nine years old and that was my life then. I was telling my parents that they had to help me build a career, 'cause all super stars begun training early, I heard. I sang horribly indeed in front of my mirror; the living room was my stage with thousands of screaming fans, accompanied by my karaoke machine.
The summer after fifth grade, I had gotten into Green Day. I could (and already have) write an entire other blog about it. I put the American Idiot album on repeat the entire summer, bought all the cds and began adoring these three guys.
I don't listen to Green Day 24/7 anymore, but they will remain my favorite band. I've got no idea where I'd be today if I never heard those songs on the radio almost four years ago. I've learned so much about music and entertainment, confidence, politics, english, even geography. It got me into photography, writing, poetry, guitar, singing. I've figured how I love performing; material that came straight from my heart.
My first love struck me when I was twelve; he was fifteen. I still think he's beautiful; black hair that he always shook out of those eyes which color I could never put words to - somewhere between blue, green and grey. He played guitar nearly every break in school. He fascinated me. Just a few words from him and I'd be walking on clouds. It was all those clichés; weak knees, speeding pulse and shy smiles. But things go wrong, people change, you know? He moved. He got out of my life.
I don't cry over that guy anymore, but I learned so much from being in love with him. It was a huge thing for me to fall in love, it was a huge thing for me to fall out of love, but I learned that life goes on and no matter how cliché and silly it sounds, I believe there will come a day when you meet someone who loves you more than anyone else in the entire world, just like you love him/her. It was my first experience of love, relationships and sex. Even though that phase of my first love is over, the experiences are still inside me, part of who I am today.
For a while, I adored harajuku girls. I stole the ideas I liked and used them and modeled them myself. I'd walk around wearing huge polkadot skirts, bows in my hair, funny t-shirts and bought dozens of knee socks. I don't dress like that anymore; but I had so much fun, felt akin with others wearing different clothes.
During a year, I hated myself. I hated everything about my body, from hair to toes. I considered myself a disgusting, mean, disloyal, selfish creature; I barely thought I had the rights to call myself human. I thought worrying about everything would eventually kill me, I was almost preparing to die young.
I know now, two years later, that I never was a horrible person. I don't know why I thought I was, but I guess it's part of growing up. I hope that one day, maybe when I've grown another two years older, I will know what actually happened to my mind. There is no reason for me to hate myself. I'm far from perfect just like everyone, but at least I'm kind to people around me, understanding and caring. I'm a lot of fun and make people laugh. I've got a lot of friends. I get good grades. I'm creative. I'm comfortable in this body; I focus on my best parts. This world is a beautiful place, this life we all live is a miracle, and I'm going to spend my time loving it. There is no reason for me to block all these wonderful things out.
I had a short phase of obsessing over Sid Vicious. I no longer do, but I learned about revolution, what drugs really do to people, I learned more about psychology, I learned to not judge drug addicts or people behaving badly before I know the reasons.
I've gone through thousands of changes, some lasted for a week, some for years, some will never change. I've dreamed of so many guys. I've gotten sick of so many t-shirts. I've had so many different hair cuts. I've played so many CDs til they break.
It might frustrate you how your life changes so much. But I think these phases stay within and become a part of who you are now and who you will eventually become. Your choices in this life are your own, I'd say, follow what your heart says now. Live for today, who you are now, not who'd you like to be, not for what everybody else says or thinks. You might change your mind in a year or two, but there's no reason to look back and feel ashamed. Our memories are beautiful. They show who we were, who we are, but probably most beautifully - not who we will become. Because that is completely up to you.
Amazing.
We all have to go through life and things will always change,
but we'll always have the things that stay the same. <3
threeam., November 15th, 2008 at 07:29:20pm
this blog is amazing! :)
Kr!sta's Inferno, November 15th, 2008 at 05:20:45pm
i like this blog. :) life does change so much, but, personally, i like it. i couldn't stand living a life thats the same all the time. good blog!
get famous, November 15th, 2008 at 04:36:14pm
Everyone goes through changes growing up. I havent changed much in the past few years. Although I have changed alot in life.
Blarg!, November 15th, 2008 at 04:24:42pm
ohmygoodness.
this blog touches me, mainly because i've changed so much also.
i used to be the shy kid in the corner, wearing the shirt with the flowers on it, and playing with toys that no one else would.
and from there, i'm now this loud, outgoing girl who's friends with people from all walks of life.
and i wouldn't change any choices i've made for the world.
because every stage i've gone though is another thing that has made me who i am today.
and maybe i hate who i am now. but who knows? i might get out of this ugly cocoon and become a gorgeous butterfly again.
I've gone through thousands of changes, some lasted for a week, some for years, some will never change. I've dreamed of so many guys. I've gotten sick of so many t-shirts. I've had so many different hair cuts. I've played so many CDs til they break
i think that line got to me the most, mainly because it makes me think of me so much.
This world is a beautiful place, this life we all live is a miracle, and I'm going to spend my time loving it. There is no reason for me to block all these wonderful things out.
also that line.
that's almost exactly how i used to feel for awhile.
all in all, i love this blog sososo much.
:]!
deus ex obstreperous, November 15th, 2008 at 04:01:44pm